Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays
Chapter 119 : TOURIST [_angrily_]. Do you mean to tell me it's genuine if it isn't stolen?

TOURIST [_angrily_]. Do you mean to tell me it's genuine if it isn't stolen? Go on. Not much.

MILITARY WOMAN [_amiably_]. Are all these your children?

TOURIST. Yes, madam. A father's duty. You see, they are protesting. It is the eternal conflict between fathers and children. Here is such a tragedy going on, such a heart-rending tragedy--Mary, you are blinking your eyes again.

MILITARY WOMAN. You are quite right. Children must be hardened to things. But why do you call this a terrible tragedy? Every roofer, when he falls, falls from a great height. But this here--what is it? A hundred, two hundred feet. I saw a man fall plumb from the sky.

TOURIST [_overwhelmed_]. You don't say?

ALECK. Children, listen. Plumb from the sky.

MILITARY WOMAN. Yes, yes. I saw an aeronaut drop from the clouds and go crash upon an iron roof.

TOURIST. How terrible!

MILITARY WOMAN. That's what I call a tragedy. It took two hours to bring me back to consciousness, and all that time they pumped water on me, the scoundrels. I was nearly drowned. From that day on I never step out of the door without taking spirits of ammonia with me.

[_Enter a strolling troop of Italian singers and musicians: a short, fat tenor, with a reddish beard and large, watery, stupidly dreamy eyes, singing with extraordinary sweetness; a skinny humpback with a jockey cap, and a screeching baritone; a ba.s.s who is also a mandolinist, looking like a bandit; a girl with a violin, closing her eyes when she plays, so that only the whites are seen. They take their stand and begin to sing: "Sul mare lucica--Santa Lucia, Santa Lucia--"_]

MARY [_dismally_]. Papa, children, look. He is beginning to wave his hands.

TOURIST. Is that the effect the music has upon him?

MILITARY WOMAN. Quite possible. Music usually goes with such things. But that'll make him fall sooner than he should. Musicians, go away from here! Go!

[_A tall tourist, with up-curled mustache, violently gesticulating, enters, followed by a small group attracted by curiosity._]

TALL TOURIST. It's scandalous. Why don't they save him? Ladies and gentlemen, you all heard him shout: "Save me." Didn't you?

THE CURIOUS [_in chorus_]. Yes, yes, we heard him.

TALL TOURIST. There you are. I distinctly heard these words: "Save me!

Why don't they save me?" It's scandalous. Policemen, policemen! Why don't you save him? What are you doing there?

POLICEMEN. We are cleaning up the place for him to fall.

TALL TOURIST. That's a sensible thing to do, too. But why don't you save him? You ought to save him. If a man asks you to save him, it is absolutely essential to save him. Isn't it so, ladies and gentlemen?

THE CURIOUS [_in chorus_]. True, absolutely true. It is essential to save him.

TALL TOURIST [_with heat_]. We are not heathens, we are Christians. We should love our neighbors. When a man asks to be saved every measure which the government has at its command should be taken to save him.

Policemen, have you taken every measure?

POLICEMAN. Every one!

TALL TOURIST. Every one without exception? Gentleman, every measure has been taken. Listen, young man, every measure has been taken to save you.

Did you hear?

UNKNOWN MAN [_in a scarcely audible voice_]. Save me!

TALL TOURIST [_excitedly_]. Gentlemen, did you hear? He again asked to be saved. Policemen, did you hear?

ONE OF THE CURIOUS [_timidly_]. It is my opinion that it is absolutely necessary to save him.

TALL TOURIST. That's right. Exactly. Why, that's what I have been saying for the last two hours. Policemen, do you hear? It is scandalous.

ONE OF THE CURIOUS [_a little bolder_]. It is my opinion that an appeal should be made to the highest authority.

THE REST [_in chorus_]. Yes, yes, a complaint should be made. It is scandalous. The government ought not to leave any of its citizens in danger. We all pay taxes. He must be saved.

TALL TOURIST. Didn't I say so? Of course we must put up a complaint.

Young man! Listen, young man. Do you pay taxes? What? I can't hear.

TOURIST. Jimmie, Katie, listen! What a tragedy! Ah, the poor young man!

He is soon to fall and they ask him to pay a domiciliary tax.

KATE [_the girl with gla.s.ses, pedantically_]. That can hardly be called a domicile, father. The meaning of domicile is--

JAMES [_pinching her_]. Lickspittle.

MARY [_wearily_]. Papa, children, look! He's again beginning to fall.

[_There is excitement in the crowd, and again a bustling and shouting among the photographers._]

TALL TOURIST. We must hurry, ladies and gentlemen. He must be saved at any cost. Who's going with me?

THE CURIOUS [_in chorus_]. We are all going! We are all going?

TALL TOURIST. Policemen, did you hear? Come, ladies and gentlemen!

[_They depart, fiercely gesticulating. The cafe grows more lively.

The sound of clinking beer gla.s.ses and the clatter of steins is heard, and the beginning of a loud German song. The bartender, who has forgotten himself while talking to somebody, starts suddenly and runs off, looks up to the sky with a hopeless air and wipes the perspiration from his face with his napkin. Angry calls of Waiter! Waiter!_]

UNKNOWN MAN [_rather loudly_]. Can you let me have some soda water?

[_The waiter is startled, looks at the sky, glances at the man on the rock, and pretending not to have heard him, walks away._]

MANY VOICES. Waiter! Beer!

WAITER. One moment, one moment!

[_Two drunken men come out from the cafe._]

LADY. Ah, there is my husband. Come here quick.

MILITARY WOMAN. A downright brute.

DRUNKEN MAN [_waving his hand to the unknown man_]. Say, is it very bad up there? Hey?