Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays
Chapter 118 : TOURIST. Under you, under you, lady.LITTLE LADY. I am so tired. What a wretched camera

TOURIST. Under you, under you, lady.

LITTLE LADY. I am so tired. What a wretched camera you have. I thought it felt uncomfortable and I was wondering why. Now I know; I am sitting on your camera.

TOURIST [_agonized_]. Lady!

LITTLE LADY. I thought it was a stone. I saw something lying there and I thought: A queer-looking stone; I wonder why it's so black. So that's what it was; it was your camera. I see.

TOURIST [_agonized_]. Lady, for heaven's sake!

LITTLE LADY. Why is it so large, tell me. Cameras are small, but this one is so large. I swear I never had the faintest suspicion it was a camera. Can you take my picture? I would so much like to have my picture taken with the mountains here for a background, in this wonderful setting.

TOURIST. How can I take your picture if you are sitting on my camera?

LITTLE LADY [_jumping up, frightened_]. Is it possible? You don't say so. Why didn't you tell me so? Does it take pictures?

VOICES. Waiter, one beer!--What did you bring wine for?--I gave you my order long ago.--What will you have, sir?--One minute.--In a second.

Waiter!--Waiter--Toothpicks!--

[_A fat tourist enters in haste, panting, surrounded by a numerous family._]

TOURIST [_crying_]. Mary! Aleck! Jimmie!--Where is Mary? For G.o.d's sake!

Where is Mary?

STUDENT [_dismally_]. Here she is, papa.

TOURIST. Where is she? Mary!

GIRL. Here I am, papa.

TOURIST. Where in the world are you? [_He turns around._] Ah, there!

What are you standing back of me for? Look, look! For goodness' sake, where are you looking?

GIRL [_dismally_]. I don't know, papa.

TOURIST. No, that's impossible. Imagine! She never once saw a lightning flash. She always keeps her eyes open as wide as onions, but the instant it flashes she closes them. So she never saw lightning, not once. Mary, you are missing it again. There it is! You see!

STUDENT. She sees, papa.

TOURIST. Keep an eye on her. [_Suddenly dropping into tone of profound pity._] Ah, poor young man. Imagine! He'll fall from that high rock.

Look, children, see how pale he is! That should be a lesson to you how dangerous climbing is.

STUDENT [_dismally_]. He won't fall to-day, papa!

SECOND GIRL. Papa, Mary has closed her eyes again.

FIRST STUDENT. Let us sit down, papa! Upon my word, he won't fall to-day. The porter told me so. I can't stand it any more. You've been dragging us about every day from morning till night visiting art galleries.

TOURIST. What's that? For whose benefit am I doing this? Do you think I enjoy spending my time with a dunce?

SECOND GIRL. Papa, Mary is blinking her eyes.

SECOND STUDENT. I can't stand it, either. I have terrible dreams.

Yesterday I dreamed of garcons the whole night long.

TOURIST. Jimmie.

FIRST STUDENT. I have gotten so thin I am nothing but skin and bones. I can't stand it any more, father. I'd rather be a farmer, or tend pigs.

TOURIST. Aleck.

FIRST STUDENT. If he were really to fall--but it's a fake. You believe every lie told you! They all lie. Baedeker lies, too. Yes, your Baedeker lies!

MARY [_dismally_]. Papa, children, he's beginning to fall.

[_The man on the rock shouts something down into the crowd.

There is general commotion._ (_Voices._) _"Look, he's falling."

Field-gla.s.ses are raised; the photographers, violently agitated, click their cameras; the policemen diligently clean the place where he is to fall._]

PHOTOGRAPHER. Oh, hang it! What is the matter with me? The devil! When a man's in a hurry--

SECOND PHOTOGRAPHER. Brother, your camera is closed.

PHOTOGRAPHER. The devil take it.

VOICES. Hus.h.!.+ He's getting ready to fall.--No, he's saying something.--No, he's falling.--Hus.h.!.+

UNKNOWN MAN ON THE ROCK [_faintly_]. Save me! Save me!

TOURIST. Ah, poor young man. Mary, Jimmie, there's a tragedy for you.

The sky is clear, the weather is beautiful, and has he to fall and be shattered to death? Can you realize how dreadful that is, Aleck?

STUDENT [_wearily_]. Yes, I can realize it.

TOURIST. Mary, can you realize it? Imagine. There is the sky. There are people enjoying themselves and partaking of refreshments. Everything is so nice and pleasant, and he has to fall. What a tragedy! Do you remember Hamlet?

SECOND GIRL [_prompting_]. Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, of Elsinore.

JAMES. Of Helsingfors, I know. Don't bother me, father!

MARY [_dismally_]. He dreamed about garcons all night long.

ALECK. Why don't you order sandwiches, father.

COMB-VENDER [_mysteriously_]. Tortoise-sh.e.l.l. Genuine tortoise-sh.e.l.l.

TOURIST [_credulously_]. Stolen?

VENDOR. Why, sir, the idea!