Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays
Chapter 120 : UNKNOWN MAN [_rather loudly_]. Yes, it's bad. I am sick and tired of it.DRUNKEN M

UNKNOWN MAN [_rather loudly_]. Yes, it's bad. I am sick and tired of it.

DRUNKEN MAN. Can't you get a drink?

UNKNOWN MAN. No, how can I?

SECOND DRUNKEN MAN. Say, what are you talking about? How can he get a drink? The man is about to die and you tempt him and try to get him excited. Listen, up there, we have been drinking your health right along. It won't hurt you, will it?

FIRST DRUNKEN MAN. Ah, go on! What are you talking about? How can it hurt him? Why, it will only do him good. It will encourage him. Listen, honest to G.o.d, we are very sorry for you, but don't mind us. We are going to the cafe to have another drink. Good-by.

SECOND DRUNKEN MAN. Look, what a crowd.

FIRST DRUNKEN MAN. Come, or he'll fall and then they'll close the cafe.

[_Enter a new crowd of tourists, a very elegant gentleman, the chief correspondent of European newspapers at their head. He is followed by an ecstatic whisper of respect and admiration. Many leave the cafe to look at him, and even the waiter turns slightly around, glances at him quickly, smiles happily and continues on his way, spilling something from his tray._]

VOICES. The correspondent! The correspondent! Look!

LADY. Oh, my, and my husband is gone again!

TOURIST. Jimmie, Mary, Aleck, Katie, Charlie, look! This is the chief correspondent. Do you realize it? The very highest of all. Whatever he writes goes.

KATE. Mary, dear, again you are not looking.

ALECK. I wish you would order some sandwiches for us. I can't stand it any longer. A human being has to eat.

TOURIST [_ecstatically_]. What a tragedy! Katie, dear, can you realize it? Consider how awful. The weather is so beautiful, and the chief correspondent. Take out your note-book, Jimmie.

JAMES. I lost it, father.

CORRESPONDENT. Where is he?

VOICES [_obligingly_]. There, there he is. There! A little higher.

Still higher! A little lower! No, higher!

CORRESPONDENT. If you please, if you please, ladies and gentlemen, I will find him myself. Oh, yes, there he is. Hm! What a situation!

TOURIST. Won't you have a chair?

CORRESPONDENT. Thank you. [_Sits down._] Hm! What a situation! Very interesting. Very interesting, indeed! [_Whisks out his note-book; amiably to the photographers._] Have you taken any pictures yet, gentlemen?

FIRST PHOTOGRAPHER. Yes, sir, certainly, certainly. We have photographed the place showing the general character of the locality--

SECOND PHOTOGRAPHER. The tragic situation of the young man--

CORRESPONDENT. Ye-es, very, very interesting.

TOURIST. Did you hear, Aleck? This smart man, the chief correspondent, says it's interesting, and you keep bothering about sandwiches. Dunce!

ALECK. May be he has had his dinner already.

CORRESPONDENT. Ladies and gentlemen, I beg you to be quiet.

OBLIGING VOICES. It is quieter in the cafe.

CORRESPONDENT [_shouts to the unknown man_]. Permit me to introduce myself. I am the chief correspondent of the European press. I have been sent here at the special request of the editors. I should like to ask you several questions concerning your situation. What is your name? What is your general position? How old are you? [_The unknown man mumbles something._]

CORRESPONDENT [_a little puzzled_]. I can't hear a thing. Has he been that way all the time?

VOICE. Yes, it's impossible to hear a word he says.

CORRESPONDENT [_jotting down something in his note-book_]. Fine! Are you a bachelor? [_The unknown man mumbles._]

CORRESPONDENT. I can't hear you. Are you married? Yes?

TOURIST. He said he was a bachelor.

SECOND TOURIST. No, he didn't. Of course, he's married.

CORRESPONDENT [_carelessly_]. You think so? All right. We'll put down, married. How many children have you? Can't hear. It seems to me he said three. Hm! Anyway, we'll put down five.

TOURIST. Oh, my, what a tragedy. Five children! Imagine!

MILITARY WOMAN. He is lying.

CORRESPONDENT [_shouting_]. How did you get into this position? What? I can't hear? Louder! Repeat. What did you say? [_Perplexed, to the crowd._] What did he say? The fellow has a devilishly weak voice.

FIRST TOURIST. It seems to me he said that he lost his way.

SECOND TOURIST. No, he doesn't know himself how he got there.

VOICES. He was out hunting.--He was climbing up the rocks.--No, no! He is simply a lunatic!

CORRESPONDENT. I beg your pardon, I beg your pardon, ladies and gentlemen! Anyway, he didn't drop from the sky. However--[_He quickly jots down in his note-book._] Unhappy young man--suffering from childhood with attacks of lunacy.--The bright light of the full moon--the wild rocks.--Sleepy janitor--didn't notice--

FIRST TOURIST [_to the second, in a whisper_]. But it's a new moon now.

SECOND TOURIST. Go, what does a layman know about astronomy.

TOURIST [_ecstatically_]. Mary, pay attention to this! You have before you an ocular demonstration of the influence of the moon on living organisms. What a terrible tragedy to go out walking on a moonlit night and find suddenly that you have climbed to a place where it is impossible to climb down or be taken down.

CORRESPONDENT [_shouting_]. What feelings are you experiencing? I can't hear. Louder! Ah, so? Well, well! What a situation!

CROWD [_interested_]. Listen, listen! Let's hear what his feelings are.

How terrible!

CORRESPONDENT [_writes in his note-book, tossing out detached remarks_].

Mortal terror, numbs his limbs.--A cold s.h.i.+ver goes down his spinal column.--No hope.--Before his mental vision rises a picture of family bliss: Wife making sandwiches; his five children innocently lisping their love.--Grandma in the armchair with a tube to her ear, that is, grandpa in the arm-chair, with a tube to his ear and grandma.--Deeply moved by the sympathy of the public.--His last wish before his death that the words he uttered with his last breath should be published in our newspapers--