The Memoirs of Cleopatra
Chapter 119 : Antony nodded. "And to think they are all cousins--and cousins to Octavian."

Antony nodded. "And to think they are all cousins--and cousins to Octavian."

"That is what makes them dangerous to one another," I said.

So we had arranged the ceremonies, the day when Caesarion would ride in his chariot through the streets of the city, wearing his royal robes, clutching the scroll and medals admitting him to the Ephebic College, and then present himself to me for a public declaration. Antyllus, though only fourteen, qualified for elevation into adulthood as well.

I was proud to show myself to the city and put an end to wild rumors about my health, my appearance, my state of mind. And I was grateful for Antony to have the chance to do likewise.

He seemed to have recovered from the nadir of Actium and the humiliation by Gallus and the trumpets. It told me that perhaps the cruelest thing about a very high, visible position was that one could never withdraw to let nature perform her healing, but must remain chained and hoisted up to public view. If only Caesar, after Spain, had had the luxury of those months of Antony's! He, too, might have regained his balance and peace of mind. But enough of that, I told myself sternly.

Now Antony and I sat side by side, wearing our best ceremonial attire, watching our eldest children--by other mates--come into their own. The children we had made together were seated behind us. I wondered what future awaited them. Perhaps Antony was right, and they would win out in the end. They would have the magic of our names but not the stink of our opprobrium, and their very youth and innocence could preserve them. I had thought of sending Alexander and Selene to Media, where Alexander's betrothed waited. But I did not know. I just did not know. . . .

A blare of trumpets told us that the procession was drawing near. We sat up straighter and prepared to welcome our sons to the platform. Around the side of the Gymnasion the glittering chariots wheeled, and a burst of cheers exploded on the air.

How tall they stood! How proud, how impervious to any blows! Flowers flew through the air, pelting them with approval and admiration.

Remember it always, my son, I prayed silently. son, I prayed silently. Hear those cries, see the faces, taste the joy of total acceptance, most intoxicating of wine. It does not stay. Hear those cries, see the faces, taste the joy of total acceptance, most intoxicating of wine. It does not stay.

The chariots approached, and at the foot of the platform they drew up abreast, then stopped. The boys--men now--stepped out and mounted the platform where we awaited them, as proud parents as any farmer or fisherman whose son first takes the plow or the net.

Caesarion stood beside me, taller than I, infinitely lovely and promising, at the very brink and threshold of his own life apart from mine. What he would be, he himself must now unfold.

I took his hand and held it high, aloft. I felt the weight of my crown and headdress, bearing down upon me. Before me the mult.i.tude spread out.

"My people," I said, and my voice, trained as well as Antony's, rang out. "Today you have a man, a King in Egypt, to lead you. Hearken to him!"

Then I turned to look at Caesarion, my firstborn, my pride, seeing on his face all the high solemnity and mystery of this day. My own life fell away like the lighthouse the children had made, and it seemed but so much sand. Here was my achievement, here was my legacy. And Caesar's.

Afterward we retired to the palace for a banquet. Always there must be a banquet, although I do not know why. I suppose our mortal natures need to feast and raise cups in jubilation.

Now we were seated at a long table--no Roman reclining today--and Caesarion took the place of honor, while Antony and I flanked him, Antyllus beside Antony.

Caesarion was still wearing his celebratory crown, his fine features flattered by it. What a king he would make. I was not being sentimental, but my eyes were keen discerners of what really was. Somehow, in the dim hours between dusk and dawn in the palace as it then was, Caesar and I had created a rare creature, and all by accident, all unknowing. Such is fate.

My voice would tremble; I could not trust it. And so I silently raised my cup and drank to him, to my jewel, my achievement.

"My boys, you acquitted yourselves well today," said Antony loudly. "Mark you, I do not expect to lose games to you anytime soon, regardless of your new status."

I was drinking from an agate cup, one that had been in our family for generations. I let my lips linger over its rim, which seemed to impart a very smoothness to the wine. Still I could not trust myself to speak, but I hoped that would soon pa.s.s. I did not like being mute.

The feast continued. I could report every dish, every comment. But time is becoming a very short commodity with me now. I still have gold, but time ... ... no time. Octavian has s.n.a.t.c.hed that from me. And so I must leave the dinner, which was set such a short time ago. A short time ... a lifetime. no time. Octavian has s.n.a.t.c.hed that from me. And so I must leave the dinner, which was set such a short time ago. A short time ... a lifetime.

The sea was calm, that peculiar Alexandrian blue-green, the one hue not captured in any gem; turquoise is too opaque, aquamarine too pallid, lapis too thick and stubbornly dark. But the reply did not come by sea. As befitted its message, the letter from Octavian slithered in un.o.btrusively by land. I received it, delivered by a regular messenger: a high insult.

To the Queen Cleopatra, intransigent enemy of Rome: the Queen Cleopatra, intransigent enemy of Rome: Salutations. I have received your tokens of submission, and dm gratified thereby. As to As to your requests, I cannot answer at present. Too much stands between us. How can I consider the deposition of the crown when you have shown me no goodwill? I need a.s.surance that you are a thinking being--which you always were before your alliance with the unfortunate Marcus Antonius--and are stable and dependable. Therefore I require some reasonable proof. What should serve? The head of said Antonius, or else to drive him from your domains into our hands. He is a spent force, and an impediment between heads of state such as ourselves. your requests, I cannot answer at present. Too much stands between us. How can I consider the deposition of the crown when you have shown me no goodwill? I need a.s.surance that you are a thinking being--which you always were before your alliance with the unfortunate Marcus Antonius--and are stable and dependable. Therefore I require some reasonable proof. What should serve? The head of said Antonius, or else to drive him from your domains into our hands. He is a spent force, and an impediment between heads of state such as ourselves.

Do it, and you shall find us most reasonable. But first, do it. Otherwise we shall determine that you are not trustworthy.

Imperator G. Caesar .

I kept rereading it. His boldness was head-spinning. So I was to sacrifice Antony . . . and for what? He had not specified. "You shall find us most reasonable." It meant nothing. And he was astute enough never to commit anything to paper that could come back to haunt him or nip at his heels.

I noted that he had not returned the crown and scepter. He was probably stroking them this very minute, cooing to them! And the "we"! He was royal already, I noted.

Antony's head. Did he think I would station a servant behind the curtains, drawing his breath slowly, ready to strike after we had finished making love, ending Antony's life as he drowsed off? Did he think I would kiss him, caress his hair, welcome him, planning his murder immediately thereafter?

Oh, Octavian, I thought, you have believed all the evil you have put.

abroad about me! The evil Queen, slave to her ambition: Cleopatra! Cleopatra, most vile! The evil Queen, slave to her ambition: Cleopatra! Cleopatra, most vile!

When Antony came into my room that night, I could not help thinking: that head. To strike off that head . . . what an ugly, squalid, offer Octavian had made, treating that n.o.ble head like meat in a market stall. Had all the glory melted down to such vulgarity?

The end was here, and nothing remained to us but to meet it with honor. How does one throw open the doors to the enemy, with honor? I did not know. It was not written. I must discover it.

That dear head, more precious than all kingdoms; that head which had given me freedom and bliss--I would fight to my last breath to preserve it. Octavian was dead wrong in his supposition. Perhaps he was equally wrong in his other suppositions. I could only pray so.

The days crept by, each one perfect and bracing. Every morning was a s.h.i.+ning bead of dew, clear and pure and untroubled; the white noons were filled with purpose and motion; the evenings, with dark, wine-colored clouds playing in the fading sky, as the stars behind them came out, as always. As always . . . it went on as always, and only by the sheerest act of imagination could we force ourselves to believe a threat hovered somewhere just over the horizon, beyond our sight.

The end was supposed to be accompanied by the flash and smoke of battle, or the rattling cough of old age, or even the spots of plague. It was not supposed to come into a perfect world, a world so beguiling, so sweet, so quiet. Perhaps this was the final enemy to be confronted: this false sense of safety.

I could delay no longer. It was already late May. Caesarion would have to leave. We had heard that Octavian had now transferred his legions from Asia into Syria. He had gone to Antioch, sitting himself down in our palace, that drafty relic which had served our hours of joy so well. Then he had pa.s.sed on, going south. He was less than five hundred miles from our eastern border fortress, while Gallus was sitting less than two hundred miles to our west, having already captured our stronghold there. They would close in on us; although the southern desert would remain open, Caesarion had to reach Coptos by mid-June. He must go.

But, O! the world of woe in those three words! I had to cast him adrift at the mercy of fate for the rest of his life. I knew that when he sailed away, I would never see him again.

I would go with him until he reached the main channel of the Nile, and then I must turn back. And so we set out, in a small boat from the steps of the lake harbor, and retraced the journey I had made so many years ago with Mardian, Olympos, and Nebamun, when we ran away from the palace. Now my son was also running away from the palace.

The tall lake reeds had grown thicker than ever, and the boatmen had to work hard to push them aside. They showered us with golden pollen and stirred up pairs of white dancing b.u.t.terflies to circle our heads. Then we were entering the ca.n.a.l that would bring us to the Canopic branch of the Nile, and from thence into the Nile proper. I almost hated the smoothness of our progress. I had seen to it that the ca.n.a.l was dredged and the weeds cut back, so it was faster going these days.

Once we reached the Canopic branch, we hoisted our sail to catch the north breeze, and made steady progress, past the green fields, the towering palms, the donkeys and their waterwheels.

"The Nile will just be starting to rise down near the first cataract," I told him. " "But you should reach Coptos before the full extent of it."

"I know." We were standing by the railing, watching the land slide past, and he covered one of my hands with his. "I have studied all of it extensively." He gave one of his winning smiles.

Another journey, up the Nile, with Caesar, when this boy was still in my womb--yes, he was retracing that unremembered journey now. "But you have only made the journey once or twice," I said. I remembered our excursion to Dendera, to show him his portrait as a Pharaoh on the temple walls. "It always looks different when one really sees it, after studying it in books." I saw how clean and firm his jaw was, tilted up in confidence. He wore Caesar s mother's pendant around his neck, the one Caesar had given me when-- Perhaps the worst thing about the end of something is the compulsion to remember and recount all that has come before. The memories were strangling me like the tangle of waterlilies fouling boats' oars. No more, no more ... ... I ordered my mind to stop, to shut the vivid memories down. I ordered my mind to stop, to shut the vivid memories down.

Let me just stand here, on the deck with my son, and be only here, only with him, and only now, I begged.

And it was granted to me, so that all the rest of it fell away like tattered wrappings, and those days were ours alone.

When we reached the Nile proper, a stoutly fitted barge awaited us at the landing just downstream from Memphis. It was not identified as a royal vessel, for I did not want to make Caesarion a target of attention. This one was owned by a grain merchant who was utterly trustworthy. The soldiers and guides who were to accompany him across the desert track to Berenice, and serve as his bodyguard all the way to India, were on board. His tutor, Rhodon, would also make the journey, and had packed two trunks of books.

Now it could be delayed no longer. We must part.

"Can you not come with us as far as the pyramids?" he asked, his eyes searching. "We could stop and have an excursion--"

And see nothing, I thought, because our eyes would be too full of tears.

"No. It is better thus. We will come again, together, in happier days," I said, letting myself look at his face as if this one last time would somehow give me something different.

He bent and embraced me, his words in my ear. "Oh, Mother," was all he said.

"May all the G.o.ds go with you," I whispered. "And may your father protect you." Yes, let the G.o.d preserve his son! I held him as close as I could for as long as I could. Then I forced myself to let go, to drop my arms away and step back.

This little s.p.a.ce between us, only two feet or so, must grow to enormous lengths, must stretch to almost the width of the world. It was too much to bear to understand it truly.

"Farewell, my son."

I let him be the one to turn and mount the gangplank to the waiting barge. Against his back I hurled prayer after prayer, beseeching Caesar to come to the aid of his only earthly son and heir.

Do not fail us! I cried from the depths of my soul. Do not fail us now!

The sober return trip was made without sails, as we rode downstream on the Nile current. Caesarion's barge grew smaller and finally vanished. Just before we steered toward the Canopic branch, we took a connecting ca.n.a.l to halt at the landing for the temple at Heliopolis. I would not go ash.o.r.e, but I wanted to send greetings to Nakht. He surprised me by hurrying down to the landing stage with two white-robed priests in tow, and then, with my permission, coming aboard.

"Most divine Majesty," he said, bending low. "I am so thankful you are here. It is in answer to my devout prayers, for there is important news that I could not trust to a messenger." He indicated the other two priests. "These, my brothers in service to the G.o.ds, are from the temples at Philae and at Abydos."

I was startled; I had not even prayed about this, and yet here they were, the answers. "My heart rejoices to see you," I said. Both the highest pilgrimage temples of Isis and Osiris had come to me in the persons of these priests.

"We bring you important news," the taller one--from Philae--said. "The people of Upper Egypt stand ready to rise and fight for you."

I was deeply touched. This meant that they considered me--a Ptolemy-- to be a true Egyptian as well. And offering to do battle was the ultimate proof and sacrifice. But I did not even have to think about it.

"Tell the people I accept their loyalty and pledges, and that I am moved to the depths of my heart to know that they love me as a queen and as one of their own countrymen. But I will not inflict needless suffering on my people." It was pointless for them to rise against the twenty or more Roman legions. And if even Antony could not bring himself to draw up his forces for battle, trying to hold the line of the Nile, then why should they?

"But--" The priest of Abydos looked dashed.

I held up my hands. "Do not think we belittle the offer. But it would be in vain, and I will spare them any hopeless efforts, which would only lead to harsh punishment."

They had to accept it. "Very well."

"But there are two great services you, and only you, can do for me." I ushered them belowdecks to my private quarters, and there I made the arrangements: with the priest at Philae for the testament I would send him by Olympos; with Nakht of Heliopolis for instructions for him to obey when the time came. Thus I secured both the continuance of my life and the ending of it, through the mercy of Isis.

Chapter 81.

"Put a few more in this corner." Antony was directing a servant to upend a basket of rose petals where he stood pointing.

The servant shook the container, and a flood of red and white petals gushed onto the floor. The inimitable smell of roses filled the air.

"Isn't it something?" Antony asked, his voice betraying nothing but light curiosity. "Why is it that luxury goods always get through a blockade? Cyrenaica may be occupied by hostile forces, Paraetonium in the hands of Gallus, but somehow cargoes of fresh roses continue to reach us."

"I suppose it's because they are so unimportant in the eyes of Octavian." Beauty got through the filter when all else failed, because it was so insubstantial. Yet it can feed us better than food sometimes.

"We must be the most well-fed, pampered siege victims in the history of the world. What they've done is to seal us in with all our riches." He picked up a heavy gold goblet and poured it full. Carefully he looked in it, widening his eyes at the sight within. "Laodicean." He sipped carefully. "And just think, warehouses full of it, just waiting for us. Ah, what a way to go!"

I imitated him; why not? I might as well drink it as let it turn to vinegar after Octavian took over. The liquid was heady and full of the memories of autumn sun. It caressed my mouth and slicked my lips with sweetness.

"Do you think twenty amphorae are enough for tonight?" he asked, gesturing to the vessels already lined up and waiting.

"That's almost enough for a legion," I said. "Surely you don't expect--"

"Only joking. It's just for show. Tonight we must be as lavish and overabundant as the Nile Valley after flood time, our bounty bursting from every seam like overripe melons."

"As overripe as your similes?" I said, smoothing the hair at the back of his head.

That head. . . the one Octavian wanted. Now we had each had offers to kill the other; Herod had advised Antony to do away with me, and Octavian had suggested I do the same with Antony. Yet here we were, planning a banquet together in defiance of them both.

"I thought you liked my extravagances," he said. "In every part of my life. I, who do not withhold rewards, or impulses, or food and drink, am not likely to stint with mere words!" He turned and kissed me. "Nor kisses."

The wine made a sticky seal of our lips.

"Indeed, no," I agreed. But this banquet... I could not believe he had wanted to do it.

"Good." He picked up the goblet again. "Now, as to our guests--amazing how many of the old Incomparables are still about. And of course we've got new candidates for the order." He took a deep swallow of the wine.

"The . . . order? Antony, what are you thinking of?"

"My secret. My surprise! Just wait and see."

"Don't be mysterious. It's tiresome." What I meant was that his surprise might be so inappropriate I should know about it in advance, in order that I might be able to stop it.

"Ah, ah!" he wagged his finger at me. "No, you'll just have to wait, like all the rest!"

"Antony--"

He stepped back. "No! No persuasion! I am a rock, not to be moved!"

"Well, that's something new;" I said. Why were his surprises always something one had to brace oneself for? "I thought that was Octavian. They say sometimes longtime enemies take on each other's traits."

He shrugged. "Then we'd best deplete all the wine in Alexandria in case he wants to drown himself in it, in imitation of me!" He poured more out. "And the best time to start is now."

I returned to my quarters and let him finish preparing for his . . . what? I had encouraged his high spirits, I was so fearful of a return of his despair, but I realized this was just its mirror image. At any moment it might turn itself inside out, and the sunny mood show its other side--black opaqueness.

Since Caesarion had left, I had felt some relief. He should be almost to Coptos by now. I had completed most of my other preparations. The treasure-pyramid stood ready for torching in the mausoleum, the sarcophagi were lined and finished, letters had gone out to Media about sheltering Alexander and Selene--but no reply had been received yet. Writing the account of my life absorbed me, gave me solace in the brilliant sunlit days as we waited. I had almost reached the present time in it, and was determined to press on until the very last instant. Then I would trust Mardian and Olympos to write the final chapter. This they could do at their leisure, at as long a perspective as they wished. There was certainly no hurry. I did not expect Isis to reveal it to any eyes until a long time hence. In fact, the further removed it was from this era, the fairer a hearing I was likely to get. But of course that decision lay in her wisdom. It was my task only to write it.

Charmian and Iras had been both sad and solicitous, and I regretted that they were bound up with me. They did not have the choice of leaving, as did lesser people like Plancus and Dellius. What a bitter jest, that bad people are given more freedoms than good ones.

We still had four legions here in Egypt, as well as the Egyptian troops and my Macedonian Household Guard. The fortress at Pelusium was garrisoned with Egyptians to block Octavian's way. We also had a fleet of some hundred s.h.i.+ps--survivors of Actium as well as newly built ones. Attached to the Roman legions was a small but well-trained cavalry force. Also, word had come that the Cyzicus gladiators were still on their way to us, having successfully fought past both Amyntas and the Cilicians. We certainly had enough manpower at our command to put up a fierce defense. But Antony refused to consider deploying the legions or mapping out any strategy at all. He seemed to regard any resistance as futile.