The Memoirs of Cleopatra
Chapter 120 : "We are hopelessly outnumbered," he said. "Why slaughter people needles

"We are hopelessly outnumbered," he said. "Why slaughter people needlessly?" I could not object; had I not said exactly the same thing about my supporters in Upper Egypt? But Egyptians far up the Nile could escape any partic.i.p.ation, whereas the legions and fleet were already drawn up. It was useless, however, without a leader who wished to lead. And Antony would never lead again.

Admitting it had caused me deep pain. But the price of having him back at all was to watch him step aside from that command he had held for so long, stop exercising its power.

The city now knew all too well what had happened at Actium, and I could feel it holding its breath, waiting to see what would come next. Alexandria had never bent the knee to anyone but Caesar, and that was a fight the Alexandrians themselves had provoked. But this . . .

Would there be a siege? Would there be fighting in the streets? If people tried to flee, where would they go? They prepared themselves as a city of traders and sophisticates would: they took inventory, kept buying and selling, and tried to figure out ways of escape or bribe or barter. Oh, I knew them, and I knew what they were about. Not for them the heroics of the city of Xanthus, which burnt itself to the ground rather than be taken, nor the weeping and wailing of the Trojans. They gave elegant dinner parties and argued the fine points of philosophical schools of thought in regard to suffering. They downed expensive wine at a ferocious rate, doused themselves in long-h.o.a.rded perfume, and draped themselves in jewelry, as if to use it all up this side of the tomb. They would expire wrapped in all the good things of life.

At dusk I began readying myself for Antony's banquet. Was I not the most Alexandrian of Alexandrians? Should I not therefore enjoy my own royal version of what was taking place in mansions all over the city? Yes, let me put on my best. Let Charmian bring out the red Grecian gown with the pearl border and gold fringe. And let there be the brooch given me by the King of Pontus, mounded with gems from beyond the Black Sea, to pin the shoulder folds. Around my neck must lie the glittering wedding necklace. And yes--where was the gold bracelet the Kandake had presented me." I wanted it weighing heavy on my arm.

And as for perfume--I had more than any merchant. Aromatic oils lay waiting in their stoppered alabaster bottles: lily, rose, narcissus, hyacinth. Tonight I would not choose rose; I wanted to smell different from the rest of the room. Narcissus, that would do. Its rainy dark scent was perfect for this gathering of the doomed.

Iras spread delicate oil on my cheeks, making tiny circles. She dabbed reddened ointment on my lips, rubbing it in carefully.

"Your skin was always your beauty," she said. "And it looks no different now from when you were twenty."

"Well, I am almost twice that," I said. But most likely I was never to reach forty.

She took a comb and began to dress my hair. Usually Iras did it, but tonight I preferred Charmian. The feel of her hands, drawing my hair into a thick rope, pulling it out to its full length, was very soothing.

"Shall I braid it?" she asked. "Small braids to frame the rest?"

"As you like," I said. In the heat of the evening, I wanted it up off my neck.

My hair, always my vanity. I had tended it carefully all the years, and it had certainly rewarded me, giving me the illusion of beauty. I had indeed been blessed in the hair the G.o.ds saw fit to give me.

"There's so much of it," Charmian complained. "I do not think I can gather it all up in this fillet."

"Then let some of it escape over the sides." Just as long as it did not lie damp on my neck.

"There." She handed me a polished mirror and let me stare at myself.

The face looking back did not show all it had been through. It was as if I had willed my body not to absorb the blows of my experiences, and it had obeyed. There was nothing written on the clear eyes, the arched brows, the smooth and unlined skin--nothing of childbirth, field conditions, trial, or pain. I looked like a virgin of the world. I laughed out loud, seeing it.

"My lady?" Charmian frowned. "Don't you like it? I can redo--"

"The hair is fine," I a.s.sured her. "I was just marveling at how heavy blows don't always imprint themselves on our flesh."

"I think it must be either the flesh or the soul," said Charmian quietly.

"Then I am sure it is my soul and spirit that have taken the brunt of it," I said. I wondered what they would look like, in a mirror. Better not to see.

I rose. Time to be going, time to be mirthful.

The chamber was filled with people--where had Antony rounded them all up? They were jolly, wearing bright colors and flas.h.i.+ng jewelry. They were mainly Romans, doubtless from the legions, but there were also Alexandrians from the Gymnasion, the Library, the Museion, and Zeus only knew where else. They had the flushed and expensive look of aristocrats, except for the token philosophers there. And even they were well-to-do, mostly adherents of the school of Epicurus.

The delicate scent of the roses, their perfume released by feet treading upon them, filled the room. I breathed deeply, trying to pretend, for one brief moment, that I was in a garden rather than here. But the buzz of voices, the heat from so many bodies, and the tinkling music from harpists made that impossible.

"A crown, most gracious Queen," one of the servants said, coming toward me holding an elaborate chaplet of willow leaves, berries of nightshade, and poppies. I allowed myself to be crowned, although the plants were a.s.sociated with the underworld.

Antony saw me and immediately rushed over. "Welcome, my heart!" he said, offering me a br.i.m.m.i.n.g goblet of what proved to be rose-flavored wine. "Drink, drink of Lethe, and remember nothing!"

If only that were possible! But this wine could not do it.

"Who would have thought there were so many?" he asked, looking around. The milling company filled the room, making colorful eddies around one speaker or another.

"So many what?" I asked. "So many high-spirited Alexandrians?"

"You will see," he said.

I saw stands holding bowls filled with gold coins, into which people dipped their hands, helping themselves as they pa.s.sed. I also saw some familiar objects: actors' masks, the bust of Octavian, some gold vessels and plate on a display table.

I saw no dining couches or tables anywhere. "When do we dine?" I asked.

He shrugged. "When it seems right. I cannot predict."

"But the food--"

"Oh, that's no problem," he said airily. "The food will always be done to perfection. I have the kitchens preparing a dozen oxen, all roasting at different rates, so one of them will be exactly right whenever we choose to eat."

My mouth fell open. The waste! Was he mad?

"What are we saving it for?" he said, answering my thoughts. "Let us leave the pastures empty, the kitchens bare, to greet Octavian." He drank some more Lethe. "Let us strip ourselves bare before Death does it."

He was always theatrical--was this only a performance? Or was he pretending pretending to give a performance to mask his real intentions? to give a performance to mask his real intentions?

"Ah--and here is our true host," he said, greeting someone costumed as Hades, lord of the underworld. His black cloak dragged on the ground, and he had a circlet depicting flickering flames around his head.

Silently he bowed. Behind his eye-mask I could see dark irises.

"Are you prepared to welcome such a large company?" Antony asked. "They are here to be initiated."

Hades turned his head slowly. 'The company may not be as large as you suppose," he said, with a voice that suggested hollows, wells, caves: hints of ripples, drips, echoes. "Do not be disappointed if they do not all wish to set their feet upon the sill of night." He gave a smooth, but infinitely unpleasant, little laugh. "It is, after all, still high summer here. But doubtless there will be enough to have made my journey worthwhile." He bowed supplely and insinuated himself in the crowd, disappearing.

"Who was that?" that?" I asked. He was too realistic. I asked. He was too realistic.

"Isn't he marvelous?" said Antony. "He's a well-known actor here in Greek comedies."

"Comedies? Clearly he's missed his calling."

Antony steered me past a knot of men and women encircling someone holding forth on the meaning of life.

"Young, young, he's very young," said Antony. "All the young philosophers like to declaim on that that topic." topic."

Behind me I could hear him droning, "Whether one is or is not, one and the others in relation to themselves and one another, all of them, in every way, are and are not, and appear to be and appear not to be."

"Plato," I said, more to myself than to Antony.

His brows went up in surprise. "My little Alexandrian," he said fondly. "Perhaps you'd like to declaim?"

"No," I said. "What I have learned in life would not help many others." There were few general rules to be gleaned from me.

We strolled about for some time, greeting the guests, listening to their conversations. Remarkably, there was no mention of Octavian or the political situation. Instead the talk was all of fas.h.i.+ons, food, entertainments, and excursions.

Finally Antony strode to the front of the chamber and clapped his hands for attention. "My good friends--going all the way back to that first winter I came to Alexandria--welcome! Ah, what times we had then! Remember the fis.h.i.+ng? Remember the visits to Canopus? Remember the banquets, the races? Ten years ago--how can that be? Now it is time to embark on a new adventure together. First I will auction off some items from those former days. You may use the gold I have placed in the bowls for you, to bid on them if you wish."

He flicked his hand over toward the objects I had noticed earlier, and a servant held the first one up.

"What am I bid for this fine mask of comedy, with its mate, tragedy? You might well have need of them in the days to come, when you play a part. . . .

"What am I bid for this bust of Gaius Octavia.n.u.s? It lately graced the hall of Marcus t.i.tius. This will help you recognize him. . . .

"And this! An outstanding specimen of its type, a solid gold chamber pot? Its fame has spread as far as Rome. It has other uses as well.. . perhaps for flowers?"

I had never seen such a thing in my life. He must have commissioned it especially for the auction!

He conducted the rest of the auction briskly, finally saying, "And thus do I bid my former life farewell."

He motioned to the harpists, and they plucked the strings of their instruments.

"Listen!" said Antony, as a slender singer appeared beside them. "Heed the words."

She sang in a hushed, sweet voice that caused the company to cease talking and strain to hear. "Follow thy heart's desire while still thou remainest in life! Pour perfume on thy head; let thy garment be of finest linen, anointed with the true most wondrous substances."

She moved her graceful hand, barely lifting a fold of her sheer linen gown. I could see all the fingers through it.

"Do that which is pleasing to thee more than thou didst aforetime; let not thy heart be weary. Follow thy heart's desire and that which is well pleasing in thine eyes. Arrange thine affairs on earth after the will of thy heart."

Now her voice was plain to hear in the quiet of the chamber.

"Weeping obtains not the heart of a man who dwelleth in the grave. On! live out a joyful day; rest not therein. Lo! it hath not been granted to man to take away with him his belongings. Lo! there is none who hath gone hence and returned hither." Those words ... I had heard them in Rome, long ago. . . .

"Thank you," said Antony. He turned to the company. "Friends, long ago we had a brotherhood, a society, we called it Amimetobioi, the Incomparable Livers. Now I propose we form another, suitable for today, and call it the Incomparable Livers. Now I propose we form another, suitable for today, and call it Syriapothanoumenoiy Syriapothanoumenoiy We Who Will Die Together. Yes. Let those who will join hands with us, and we will seal the pact by dancing once around the chamber to the sound of the harp. A dance of death. And Hades will lead us." We Who Will Die Together. Yes. Let those who will join hands with us, and we will seal the pact by dancing once around the chamber to the sound of the harp. A dance of death. And Hades will lead us."

The actor appeared at Antony's side, and extended his gloved hand. He spoke no word.

The stunned guests just stared at him, and then, to my astonishment, the first man stepped forward and took my hand. Another followed him, until almost everyone had joined hands and formed a chain stretching around all the walls.

"Now!" Antony signaled to the harpists, who began playing softly, and the line of dancers moved slowly around the room, crossing their steps, bowing their heads. The flowers on their heads trembled with the motion. The high solemnity made a funeral procession.

Then one of the women took off her bracelets and held them up to make a rattle, and the jangle livened the parade; others turned their jewelry into cymbals, clappers, and bells. The pace speeded up, until we were running, our feet thumping the marble floor, making it resound. The cortege had turned raucous. Life burst defiantly through the mourning.

"Wine, wine!" yelled one man, holding out his hand for a quick servant to press a cup in it.

"More here!" yelled another, and finally the line fell apart, as panting people grabbed cups of wine.

"And now the food!" cried Antony, and at his word a team of slaves dashed in from all the entrances, bearing couches and tables. Superbly well rehea.r.s.ed, they managed to set up a dining room for over a hundred people in an instant.

People dived and flopped onto the couches, squealing with glee. Before they were served, Antony spoke again.

"Feast well! The best of Alexandria is here for your pleasure. Eat, drink, play, come hither!" He paused. "For as long as we still have, we will gather to do thus. And let us not grieve at what is to come, but remember the epitaph of an Epicurean: 'I was not, I was, I am not, I do not care.' Thus are summarized all the states a soul pa.s.ses through on its way to eternity."

After he took his place near me, I leaned over and said, "That is too cynical."

He was chewing vigorously on a fig. "Why, do you think otherwise?"

"Yes," I said. "What you quoted was ign.o.ble. It sounds like a beast of the field."

He made a wry face. "I envy them."

"No, you don't. They have no memories." I motioned to one of the servers to find my agate cup and bring it to me. When it arrived, I turned it around in my hands. "I am not ready to auction this off. It belonged to my father. Yet it seems fitting to drink from it tonight." He had met many crises with courage.

"Sir, how do you like this maxim?" a youth on Antony's other side was saying. " 'Why dost thou not retire like a guest sated with the banquet of life, and with calm mind embrace, thou fool, a rest that knows no care?' Is that what our club is about?"

Antony clapped his shoulder. "Yes, my lad, yes."

He was clearly enjoying his game--who was I to spoil it? It was better than the hermitage. But that it was merely a game I had no doubt; it did not reveal anything of his true state of mind. He was theatrical to the marrow of his bones, always taking refuge behind costumes. He might have auctioned off the masks of tragedy and comedy tonight, but he had others waiting in reserve.

From every couch, so it seemed, people were declaiming their philosophies, seeing who had the greatest command of quotes. It was all very clever, like anything Alexandrian. I sipped my wine from the agate cup and said little. The delicacies of orchard, sea, and field pa.s.sed my palate unnoticed.

Hades ate heartily; he was quite robust for a shade.

Late that night, preparing for bed, I heaped my jewelry in a pile by my forest of perfume bottles. Iras could put it away in the morning. I pulled off the wilted crown of flowers and placed it alongside.

"You outdid yourself," I finally said to Antony. "I must say, I could never have predicted any of it." Because it was so bizarre, I added to myself. I hoped people did not think he was deranged, but then, they had joined in with gusto. Perhaps they were all deranged. It was said that in the last days, people in a group could behave very strangely.

But I did not feel a part of that confusion and despair. That my life might end, and be ended by me, I accepted. But it was a political fact, not a philosophical one. I would not glorify a political necessity by trapping it in all sorts of nonsense.

I had no innate wish to die, I was not eager to die; I would far prefer to live, unless it was incompatible with honor--mine or my country's. Death, like life, should serve a purpose.

"What are you thinking?" Antony asked quietly. He was already lying down, his arms behind his head. "I wish to know your thoughts."

I was thinking I am not in love with death, as you are. I looked down at him. He looked oddly happy, as if he had crossed some barrier tonight. I looked down at him. He looked oddly happy, as if he had crossed some barrier tonight.

"I was thinking ... I was trying to remember an old Egyptian poem. All that quoting tonight put me to shame." It was looking down at him that had brought it to mind. I sat down beside him. "It went: The voice of the dove is calling; it sayeth: "The earth is bright, where is my way?" Thou bird, thou art calling to me.' "

He looked puzzled. I had to think hard to recall the lost words, once known so well, of the rest of it.

"Then ... it went. . . let's see ..." I willed the words to return, and they obeyed. " 'But I, I found my beloved on his couch. My heart is rejoiced above all measure, and each of us sayeth: "I will not part from thee." ' "

I felt for his hand and found it. " ' "My hand is in thy hand. I walk and am with thee in each beautiful place, thou madest me the first of the fair maidens, thou hast not grieved my heart." ' "

It was true. I leaned over and kissed him.

"That is not in the mood of the evening," he said quietly.

"No," I admitted. "We are still too much alive to embrace that mood."

He sighed. "You are banis.h.i.+ng it, I fear." He reached his arms up to embrace me. "Do you really feel that way about me?"