The Book of Humorous Verse
Chapter 28 : I would not dance with smoke-consuming Puffer, If I were you!|nellie| If I were you, I

I would not dance with smoke-consuming Puffer, If I were you!

|nellie| If I were you, I would not, Sir, be bitter, Even to write the "Cynical Review";--

|frank| No, I should doubtless find flirtation fitter, If I were you!

|nellie| Really! You would? Why, Frank, you're quite delightful,-- Hot as Oth.e.l.lo, and as black of hue; Borrow my fan. I would not look so _frightful_, If I were you!

|frank| "It is the cause." I mean your chaperon is Bringing some well-curled juvenile. Adieu!

_I_ shall retire. I'd spare that poor Adonis, If I were you!

|nellie| Go, if you will. At once! And by express, Sir!

Where shall it be? To China--or Peru?

Go. I should leave inquirers my address, Sir, If I were you!

|frank| No--I remain. To stay and fight a duel Seems, on the whole, the proper thing to do-- Ah, you are strong,--I would not then be cruel, If I were you!

|nellie| One does not like one's feelings to be doubted,--

|frank| One does not like one's friends to misconstrue,--

|nellie| If I confess that I a wee-bit pouted?

|frank| I should admit that I was _pique_, too.

|nellie| Ask me to dance. I'd say no more about it, If I were you!

[Waltz--_Exeunt_.]

_Austin Dobson._

NOTHING TO WEAR.

Miss Flora McFlimsey, of Madison Square, Has made three separate journeys to Paris; And her father a.s.sures me, each time she was there, That she and her friend Mrs. Harris (Not the lady whose name is so famous in history, But plain Mrs. H., without romance or mystery) Spent six consecutive weeks without stopping, In one continuous round of shopping;-- Shopping alone, and shopping together, At all hours of the day, and in all sorts of weather: For all manner of things that a woman can put On the crown of her head or the sole of her foot, Or wrap round her shoulders, or fit round her waist, Or that can be sewed on, or pinned on, or laced, Or tied on with a string, or st.i.tched on with a bow, In front or behind, above or below; For bonnets, mantillas, capes, collars, and shawls; Dresses for breakfasts, and dinners, and b.a.l.l.s; Dresses to sit in, and stand in, and walk in, Dresses to dance in, and flirt in, and talk in; Dresses in which to do nothing at all; Dresses for winter, spring, summer, and fall,-- All of them different in color and pattern, Silk, muslin, and lace, c.r.a.pe, velvet, and satin, Brocade, and broadcloth, and other material Quite as expensive and much more ethereal: In short, for all things that could ever be thought of, Or milliner, modiste, or tradesman be bought of, From ten-thousand-francs robes to twenty-sous frills; In all quarters of Paris, and to every store: While McFlimsey in vain stormed, scolded, and swore.

They footed the streets, and he footed the bills.

The last trip, their goods s.h.i.+pped by the steamer _Argo_ Formed, McFlimsey declares, the bulk of her cargo, Not to mention a quant.i.ty kept from the rest, Sufficient to fill the largest-sized chest, Which did not appear on the s.h.i.+p's manifest, But for which the ladies themselves manifested Such particular interest that they invested Their own proper persons in layers and rows Of muslins, embroideries, worked underclothes, Gloves, handkerchiefs, scarfs, and such trifles as those; Then, wrapped in great shawls, like Circa.s.sian beauties, Gave _good-by_ to the s.h.i.+p, and _go-by_ to the duties.

Her relations at home all marvelled, no doubt, Miss Flora had grown so enormously stout For an actual belle and a possible bride; But the miracle ceased when she turned inside out, And the truth came to light, and the dry-goods beside, Which, in spite of collector and custom-house sentry, Had entered the port without any entry.

And yet, though scarce three months have pa.s.sed since the day The merchandise went, on twelve carts, up Broadway, This same Miss McFlimsey, of Madison Square, The last time we met, was in utter despair, Because she had nothing whatever to wear!

|Nothing to wear|! Now, as this is a true ditty, I do not a.s.sert--this you know is between us-- That she's in a state of absolute nudity, Like Powers's Greek Slave, or the Medici Venus; But I do mean to say I have heard her declare, When at the same moment she had on a dress Which cost five hundred dollars, and not a cent less, And jewelry worth ten times more, I should guess, That she had not a thing in the wide world to wear!

I should mention just here, that out of Miss Flora's Two hundred and fifty or sixty adorers, I had just been selected as he who should throw all The rest in the shade, by the gracious bestowal On myself, after twenty or thirty rejections Of those fossil remains which she called her "affections,"

And that rather decayed but well-known work of art, Which Miss Flora persisted in styling "her heart."

So we were engaged. Our troth had been plighted Not by moonbeam or starbeam, by fountain or grove; But in a front parlor, most brilliantly lighted, Beneath the gas-fixtures we whispered our love-- Without any romance, or raptures, or sighs, Without any tears in Miss Flora's blue eyes, Or blushes, or transports, or such silly actions; It was one of the quietest business transactions, With a very small sprinkling of sentiment, if any, And a very large diamond imported by Tiffany.

On her virginal lips while I printed a kiss, She exclaimed, as a sort of parenthesis, And by way of putting me quite at my ease, "You know, I'm to polka as much as I please, And flirt when I like,--now stop,--don't you speak,-- And you must not come here more than twice in the week, Or talk to me either at party or ball; But always be ready to come when I call: So don't prose to me about duty and stuff,-- If we don't break this off, there will be time enough For that sort of thing; but the bargain must be, That as long as I choose I am perfectly free: For this is a sort of engagement, you see, Which is binding on you, but not binding on me."

Well, having thus wooed Miss McFlimsey, and gained her, With the silks, crinolines, and hoops that contained her, I had, as I thought, a contingent remainder At least in the property, and the best right To appear as its escort by day and by night; And it being the week of the Stuckups' grand ball,-- Their cards had been out for a fortnight or so, And set all the Avenue on the tiptoe,-- I considered it only my duty to call And see if Miss Flora intended to go.

I found her--as ladies are apt to be found When the time intervening between the first sound Of the bell and the visitor's entry is shorter Than usual--I found--I won't say I caught--her Intent on the pier-gla.s.s, undoubtedly meaning To see if perhaps it didn't need cleaning.

She turned as I entered--"Why, Harry, you sinner, I thought that you went to the Flashers' to dinner!"

"So I did," I replied; "but the dinner is swallowed, And digested, I trust; for 'tis now nine or more: So being relieved from that duty, I followed Inclination, which led me, you see, to your door.

And now will your Ladys.h.i.+p so condescend As just to inform me if you intend Your beauty and graces and presence to lend (All of which, when I own, I hope no one will borrow) To the Stuckups, whose party, you know, is to-morrow?"

The fair Flora looked up with a pitiful air, And answered quite promptly, "Why, Harry, _mon cher_, I should like above all things to go with you there; But really and truly--I've nothing to wear."

"Nothing to wear? Go just as you are: Wear the dress you have on, and you'll be by far, I engage, the most bright and particular star On the Stuckup horizon--" I stopped, for her eye, Notwithstanding this delicate onset of flattery, Opened on me at once a most terrible battery Of scorn and amazement. She made no reply, But gave a slight turn to the end of her nose (That pure Grecian feature), as much as to say, "How absurd that any sane man should suppose That a lady would go to a ball in the clothes, No matter how fine, that she wears every day!"

So I ventured again--"Wear your crimson brocade."

(Second turn-up of nose)--"That's too dark by a shade."-- "Your blue silk--" "That's too heavy."--"Your pink--" "That's too light."-- "Wear tulle over satin." "I can't endure white."-- "Your rose-colored, then, the best of the batch--"

"I haven't a thread of point lace to match."-- "Your brown moire-antique--" "Yes, and look like a Quaker."-- "The pearl-colored--" "I would, but that plaguy dressmaker Has had it a week."--"Then that exquisite lilac, In which you would melt the heart of a Shylock."

(Here the nose took again the same elevation)-- "I wouldn't wear that for the whole of creation."

"Why not? It's my fancy, there's nothing could strike it As more _comme il faut_"--"Yes, but, dear me, that lean Sophronia Stuckup has got one just like it, And I won't appear dressed like a chit of sixteen."-- "Then that splendid purple, that sweet mazarine, That superb _point d'aiguille_, that imperial green, That zephyr-like tarlatan, that rich grenadine--"

"Not one of all which is fit to be seen,"

Said the lady, becoming excited and flushed.

"Then wear," I exclaimed, in a tone which quite crushed Opposition, "that gorgeous toilette which you sported In Paris last spring, at the grand presentation, When you quite turned the head of the head of the nation; And by all the grand court were so very much courted."

The end of the nose was portentously tipped up, And both the bright eyes shot forth indignation, As she burst upon me with the fierce exclamation, "I have worn it three times at the least calculation, And that and most of my dresses are ripped up!"

Here I _ripped out_ something, perhaps rather rash-- Quite innocent, though; but to use an expression More striking than cla.s.sic, it "settled my hash,"

And proved very soon the last act of our session.

"Fiddlesticks, is it, sir? I wonder the ceiling Doesn't fall down and crush you!--oh, you men have no feeling.

You selfish, unnatural, illiberal creatures, Who set yourselves up as patterns and preachers, Your silly pretence--why, what a mere guess it is!

Pray, what do you know of a woman's necessities?

I have told you and shown you I've nothing to wear, And it's perfectly plain you not only don't care, But you do not believe me" (here the nose went still higher): "I suppose if you dared you would call me a liar.

Our engagement is ended, sir--yes, on the spot; You're a brute, and a monster, and--I don't know what."

I mildly suggested the words Hottentot, Pickpocket, and cannibal, Tartar, and thief, As gentle expletives which might give relief: But this only proved as a spark to the powder, And the storm I had raised came faster and louder; It blew, and it rained, thundered, lightened, and hailed Interjections, verbs, p.r.o.nouns, till language quite failed To express the abusive, and then its arrears Were brought up all at once by a torrent of tears; And my last faint, despairing attempt at an obs- Ervation was lost in a tempest of sobs.

Well, I felt for the lady, and felt for my hat too, Improvised on the crown of the latter a tattoo, In lieu of expressing the feelings which lay Quite too deep for words, as Wordsworth would say: Then, without going through the form of a bow, Found myself in the entry,--I hardly knew how,-- On doorstep and sidewalk, past lamp-post and square, At home and up-stairs, in my own easy-chair; Poked my feet into slippers, my fire into blaze, And said to myself, as I lit my cigar,-- Supposing a man had the wealth of the Czar Of the Russias to boot, for the rest of his days, On the whole do you think he would have much time to spare If he married a woman with nothing to wear?

_William Allen Butler._

MY MISTRESS'S BOOTS

They nearly strike me dumb, And I tremble when they come Pit-a-pat: This palpitation means These boots are Geraldine's-- Think of that!

Oh, where did hunter win So delectable a skin For her feet?

You lucky little kid, You perished, so you did, For my sweet!

The faery st.i.tching gleams On the sides, and in the seams, And it shows The Pixies were the wags Who tipt those funny tags And these toes.

What soles to charm an elf!

Had Crusoe, sick of self, Chanced to view _One_ printed near the tide, Oh, how hard he would have tried For the two!

For Gerry's debonair And innocent, and fair As a rose; She's an angel in a frock, With a fascinating c.o.c.k To her nose.

The simpletons who squeeze Their extremities to please Mandarins, Would positively flinch From venturing to pinch Geraldine's.