The Book of Humorous Verse
Chapter 29 : Cinderella's _lefts and rights_, To Geraldine's were frights; And I trow, The

Cinderella's _lefts and rights_, To Geraldine's were frights; And I trow, The damsel, deftly shod, Has dutifully trod Until now.

Come, Gerry, since it suits Such a pretty Puss (in Boots) These to don; Set this dainty hand awhile On my shoulder, dear, and I'll Put them on.

_Frederick Locker-Lampson._

MRS. SMITH

Last year I trod these fields with Di, Fields fresh with clover and with rye; They now seem arid!

Then Di was fair and single; how Unfair it seems on me, for now Di's fair--and married!

A blissful swain--I scorn'd the song Which says that though young Love is strong, The Fates are stronger; Breezes then blew a boon to men, The b.u.t.tercups were bright, and then This gra.s.s was longer.

That day I saw and much esteem'd Di's ankles, which the clover seem'd Inclined to smother; It twitch'd, and soon untied (for fun) The ribbon of her shoes, first one, And then the other.

I'm told that virgins augur some Misfortune if their shoe-strings come To grief on Friday: And so did Di, and then her pride Decreed that shoe-strings so untied Are "so untidy!"

Of course I knelt; with fingers deft I tied the right, and then the left; Says Di, "The stubble Is very stupid!--as I live, I'm quite ashamed!--I'm shock'd to give You so much trouble!"

For answer I was fain to sink To what we all would say and think Were Beauty present: "Don't mention such a simple act-- A trouble? not the least! in fact It's rather pleasant!"

I trust that Love will never tease Poor little Di, or prove that he's A graceless rover.

She's happy now as _Mrs. Smith_-- And less polite when walking with Her chosen lover!

Heigh-ho! Although no moral clings To Di's blue eyes, and sandal strings, We've had our quarrels!-- I think that Smith is thought an a.s.s; I know that when they walk in gra.s.s She wears _balmorals_.

_Frederick Locker-Lampson._

A TERRIBLE INFANT

I recollect a nurse call'd Ann, Who carried me about the gra.s.s, And one fine day a fine young man Came up, and kiss'd the pretty la.s.s.

She did not make the least objection!

Thinks I, "_Aha_!

_When I can talk I'll tell Mamma_"

--And that's my earliest recollection.

_Frederick Locker-Lampson._

SUSAN

A KIND PROVIDENCE

He dropt a tear on Susan's bier, He seem'd a most despairing swain; But bluer sky brought newer tie, And--would he wish her back again?

The moments fly, and when we die, Will Philly Thistletop complain?

She'll cry and sigh, and--dry her eye, And let herself be woo'd again.

_Frederick Locker-Lampson._

"I DIDN'T LIKE HIM"

Perhaps you may a-noticed I been soht o' solemn lately, Haven't been a-lookin' quite so pleasant.

Mabbe I have been a little bit too proud and stately; Dat's because I'se lonesome jes' at present.

I an' him agreed to quit a week or so ago, Fo' now dat I am in de social swim I'se 'rived to de opinion dat he ain't my style o' beau, So I tole him dat my watch was fas' fo' him.

|refrain|

Oh, I didn't like his clo'es, An' I didn't like his eyes, Nor his walk, nor his talk, Nor his ready-made neckties.

I didn't like his name a bit, Jes' 'spise the name o' Jim; If dem ere reasons ain't enough, I didn't like _Him_.

Dimon' ring he give to me, an' said it was a fine stone.

Guess it's only alum mixed wif camphor.

Took it roun' to Eisenstein; he said it was a rhinestone, Kind, he said, he didn't give a dam fur.

Sealskin sack he give to me it got me in a row.

P'liceman called an' asked to see dat sack; Said another lady lost it. Course I don't know how; But I had to go to jail or give it back.

|refrain|

Oh, I didn't like his trade; Trade dat kep' him out all night.

He'd de look ob a crook, An' he owned a bull's-eye light.

So when policemen come to ask What _I_ know 'bout dat Jim, I come to de confusion dat I didn't like _Him_.

_Harry B. Smith._

MY ANGELINE

She kept her secret well, oh, yes, Her hideous secret well.

We together were cast, I knew not her past; For how was I to tell?