The Book of Humorous Verse
Chapter 163 : In all the female race appear Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride; Truth, darling of a heart

In all the female race appear Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride; Truth, darling of a heart sincere, In woman never did reside.

What tongue is able to unfold The failings that in woman dwell?

The worth in woman we behold Is almost imperceptible.

Confusion take the man, I say, Who changes from his singleness, Who will not yield to woman's sway Is sure of earthly blessedness.

_Unknown._

AMBIGUOUS LINES

READ WITH A COMMA AFTER THE FIRST NOUN IN EACH LINE

I saw a peac.o.c.k with a fiery tail I saw a blazing comet pour down hail I saw a cloud all wrapt with ivy round I saw a lofty oak creep on the ground I saw a beetle swallow up a whale I saw a foaming sea brimful of ale I saw a pewter cup sixteen feet deep I saw a well full of men's tears that weep I saw wet eyes in flames of living fire I saw a house as high as the moon and higher I saw the glorious sun at deep midnight I saw the man who saw this wondrous sight.

I saw a pack of cards gnawing a bone I saw a dog seated on Britain's throne I saw King George shut up within a box I saw an orange driving a fat ox I saw a butcher not a twelvemonth old I saw a great-coat all of solid gold I saw two b.u.t.tons telling of their dreams I saw my friends who wished I'd quit these themes.

_Unknown._

SURNAMES

Men once were surnamed for their shape or estate (You all may from history worm it), There was Louis the bulky, and Henry the Great, John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit: But now, when the doorplates of misters and dames Are read, each so constantly varies; From the owner's trade, figure, and calling, surnames Seem given by the rule of contraries.

Mr. Wise is a dunce, Mr. King is a whig, Mr. Coffin's uncommonly sprightly, And huge Mr. Little broke down in a gig While driving fat Mrs. Golightly.

At Bath, where the feeble go more than the stout (A conduct well worthy of Nero), Over poor Mr. Lightfoot, confined with the gout, Mr. Heavyside danced a bolero.

Miss Joy, wretched maid, when she chose Mr. Love, Found nothing but sorrow await her; She now holds in wedlock, as true as a dove, That fondest of mates, Mr. Hayter.

Mr. Oldcastle dwells in a modern-built hut; Miss Sage is of madcaps the archest; Of all the queer bachelors Cupid e'er cut, Old Mr. Younghusband's the starchest.

Mr. Child, in a pa.s.sion, knock'd down Mr. Rock; Mr. Stone like an aspen-leaf s.h.i.+vers; Miss Pool used to dance, but she stands like a stock Ever since she became Mrs. Rivers.

Mr. Swift hobbles onward, no mortal knows how, He moves as though cords had entwined him; Mr. Metcalf ran off upon meeting a cow, With pale Mr. Turnbull behind him.

Mr. Barker's as mute as a fish in the sea, Mr. Miles never moves on a journey, Mr. Gotobed sits up till half after three, Mr. Makepeace was bred an attorney.

Mr. Gardener can't tell a flower from a root, Mr. Wild with timidity draws back, Mr. Ryder performs all his journeys on foot, Mr. Foot all his journeys on horseback.

Mr. Penny, whose father was rolling in wealth, Consumed all the fortune his dad won; Large Mr. Le Fever's the picture of health; Mr. Goodenough is but a bad one; Mr. Cruikshank stept into three thousand a year By showing his leg to an heiress: Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've made it quite clear Surnames ever go by contraries.

_James Smith._

A TERNARY OF LITTLES, UPON A PIPKIN OF JELLY SENT TO A LADY

A little saint best fits a little shrine, A little prop best fits a little vine; As my small cruse best fits my little wine.

A little seed best fits a little soil, A little trade best fits a little toil; As my small jar best fits my little oil.

A little bin best fits a little bread, A little garland fits a little head; As my small stuff best fits my little shed.

A little hearth best fits a little fire, A little chapel fits a little choir; As my small bell best fits my little spire.

A little stream best fits a little boat, A little lead best fits a little float; As my small pipe best fits my little note.

A little meat best fits a little belly, As sweetly, lady, give me leave to tell ye, This little pipkin fits this little jelly.

_Robert Herrick._

A CARMAN'S ACCOUNT OF A LAW-SUIT

Marry, I lent my gossip my mare, to fetch home coals, And he her drowned into the quarry holes; And I ran to the Consistory, for to 'plain, And there I happened among a greedy meine.

They gave me first a thing they call Citandum; Within eight days, I got but Libellandum; Within a month, I got Ad oppenendum; In half a year, I got Interloquendum; And then I got--how call ye it?--Ad replicandum.

But I could never one word yet understand them; And then, they caused me cast out many placks, And made me pay for four-and-twenty acts.

But, ere they came half gait to Concludendum, The fiend one plack was left for to defend him.

Thus they postponed me two years, with their train, Then, hodie ad octo, bade me come again, And then, these rooks, they roupit wonder fast, For sentence silver, they cried at the last.

Of p.r.o.nunciandum they made me wonder fain; But I got never my good grey mare again.

_Sir David Lindesay._

OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND

The oft'ner seen, the more I l.u.s.t, The more I l.u.s.t, the more I smart, The more I smart, the more I trust, The more I trust, the heavier heart, The heavy heart breeds mine unrest, Thy absence therefore I like best.

The rarer seen, the less in mind, The less in mind, the lesser pain, The lesser pain, less grief I find, The lesser grief, the greater gain, The greater gain, the merrier I, Therefore I wish thy sight to fly.

The further off, the more I joy, The more I joy, the happier life, The happier life, less hurts annoy, The lesser hurts, pleasure most rife, Such pleasures rife shall I obtain When distance doth depart us train.

_Barnaby Googe._