The Book of Humorous Verse
Chapter 164 : NONGTONGPAW John Bull for pastime took a prance, Some time ago, to peep at France; To

NONGTONGPAW

John Bull for pastime took a prance, Some time ago, to peep at France; To talk of sciences and arts, And knowledge gain'd in foreign parts.

Monsieur, obsequious, heard him speak, And answer'd John in heathen Greek: To all he ask'd, 'bout all he saw, 'Twas, _Monsieur, je vous n'entends pas_.

John, to the Palais-Royal come, Its splendor almost struck him dumb.

"I say, whose house is that there here?"

"House! _Je vous n'entends pas, Monsieur._"

"What, Nongtongpaw again!" cries John; "This fellow is some mighty Don: No doubt he's plenty for the maw, I'll breakfast with this Nongtongpaw."

John saw Versailles from Marli's height, And cried, astonish'd at the sight, "Whose fine estate is that there here?"

"State! _Je vous n'entends pas, Monsieur._"

"His? what! the land and houses, too?

The fellow's richer than a Jew: On _everything_ he lays his claw!

I'd like to dine with Nongtongpaw."

Next tripping came a courtly fair, John cried, enchanted with her air, "What lovely wench is that there here?"

"Ventch! _Je vous n'entends pas, Monsieur._"

"What, he again? Upon, my life!

A palace, lands, and then a wife Sir Joshua might delight to draw!

I'd like to sup with Nongtongpaw."

"But hold! whose funeral's that?" cries John.

"_Je vous n'entends pas._"--"What! is he gone?

Wealth, fame, and beauty could not save Poor Nongtongpaw then from the grave!

His race is run, his game is up,-- I'd with him breakfast, dine, and sup; But since he chooses to withdraw, Good night t'ye, Mounseer Nongtongpaw!"

_Charles Dibdin._

LOGICAL ENGLISH

I said, "This horse, sir, will you shoe?"

And soon the horse was shod.

I said, "This deed, sir, will you do?"

And soon the deed was dod!

I said, "This stick, sir, will you break?"

At once the stick he broke.

I said, "This coat, sir, will you make?"

And soon the coat he moke!

_Unknown._

LOGIC

I have a copper penny and another copper penny, Well, then, of course, I have two copper pence; I have a cousin Jenny and another cousin Jenny, Well, pray, then, do I have two cousin Jence?

_Unknown._

THE CAREFUL PENMAN

A Persian penman named Aziz, Remarked, "I think I know my biz.

For when I write my name as is, It is Aziz as is Aziz."

_Unknown._

QUESTIONS WITH ANSWERS

What is earth, s.e.xton?--A place to dig graves; What is earth, rich men?--A place to work slaves, What is earth, grey-beard?--A place to grow old; What is earth, miser?--A place to dig gold; What is earth, school-boy?--A place for my play; What is earth, maiden?--A place to be gay; What is earth, seamstress?--A place where I weep; What is earth, sluggard?--A good place to sleep; What is earth, soldier?--A place for a battle; What is earth, herdsman?--A place to raise cattle; What is earth, widow?--A place of true sorrow; What is earth, tradesman?--I'll tell you to-morrow; What is earth, sick man?--'Tis nothing to me; What is earth, sailor?--My home is the sea; What is earth, statesman?--A place to win fame; What is earth, author?--I'll write there my name; What is earth, monarch?--For my realm 'tis given; What is earth, Christian?--The gateway of heaven.

_Unknown._

CONJUGAL CONJUGATIONS

Dear maid, let me speak What I never yet spoke: You have made my heart squeak As it never yet squoke, And for sight of you, both my eyes ache as they ne'er before oak.

With your voice my ears ring, And a sweeter ne'er rung, Like a bird's on the wing When at morn it has wung.

And gladness to me it doth bring, such as never voice brung.

My feelings I'd write, But they cannot be wrote, And who can indite What was never indote!

And my love I hasten to plight--the first that I plote.

Yes, you would I choose, Whom I long ago chose, And my fond spirit sues As it never yet sose, And ever on you do I muse, as never man mose.

The house where you bide Is a blessed abode; Sure, my hopes I can't hide, For they will not be hode, And no person living has sighed, as, darling, I've sode.

Your glances they s.h.i.+ne As no others have shone, And all else I'd resign That a man could resone, And surely no other could pine as I lately have pone.

And don't you forget You will ne'er be forgot, You never should fret As at times you have frot, I would chase all the cares that beset, if they ever besot.