The Wit and Humor of America
Chapter 153 : Married this day and to do in a turmoil wheat being all a-rage and me forced to go hom

Married this day and to do in a turmoil wheat being all a-rage and me forced to go home to dress before noon. Did scarce know where I was with Extras being cried outside the church window and H. Nevil giving the bride away and on the wrong side of the market by my advice. The bride hystericky in the carriage and at the station wept so that I was fair beside myself. Did bethink me to kiss her in the train, but small comfort to either. What will become of my affairs I know not, this place being all without stock reports and I half mad and with naught to pa.s.s the time.

Comes my wife as I write and will have the key to her largest trunk the same it doth appear is lost, the which on discovery she layeth at my door and weepeth afresh. Did strive to cheer her but with a heavy heart.

_August tenth_

This do be the hottest summer in many years and lest I forget to set it down more mad dogs than can well be handled. My wife very hystericky and forever in a smock and declareth she would be dead and married life a delusion, the which opinion I take small issue with having my hands full of business and La.s.selle forever at my heels with our affair of the mine not to speak of H. Nevil which waileth continually over how he was caught short in the month of June. Beshrew me if I repent not of June on mine own behalf but am determined to live properly and so have despatched a messenger to my cousin Sarah Badminton asking that she come to keep mine house.

_August twentieth_

Comes Sarah Badminton this day and Lord but a plain woman, being flat like unto a board from her heels up unto her head, but curiously shaped in and out in front. Still she do seem a worthy jade and good at heart and ever attentive when I will to converse and sitteth with me of a breakfast my wife being ever asleep till ten.

Last night to the Play where comes La.s.selle and makes very merry and telleth jokes the which of great amus.e.m.e.nt to my wife while I find no mirth therein. Later to supper at the coffee house and my wife exceedingly witty and me all of a wonder at the change in her in public and on reflection do find it pa.s.sing strange that one ugly like Mistress Badminton will effort her to be gracious at home while one so handsome as my wife sleeps ever.

To my office where did buy and sell as usual.

_September sixteenth_

My wife not well and strangely indisposed towards me yawning unduly and complaining that life is dull, yet gay enough for others and of a great joy over riding horseback with La.s.selle. Last night did chide her in bed for upwards of an hour and misliked me greatly when I had done to find that she slept for some while before. Will have the doctor to her for there be surely something amiss in a woman who is not happy with me.

To my office and H. Nevil all excitement over his margins.

_October twenty-ninth_

Returned this day from a trip to the Coast and find my wife no better although the doctor hath been with her each day. She saith the doctor adviseth quiet until spring. Comes Mrs. Badminton her face all awry and will that I go with her to Carlsbad and my affairs so many as never was and never any lover of the sea. That which causeth me great vexation that I have a wife and say flatly to Mrs. Badminton to ask the doctor if he can not take her to Carlsbad any money being wiser than to travel with oats where they be now and chicken feed going up to beat the band, at which the good woman raiseth her hands aloft and maketh such demonstration that I clean out of patience and basted her with the fire shovel the same being not courteous but sadly necessary to all appearance.

_November sixth_

My wife most nervous and there being no peace with Her did discuss the same with La.s.selle to-day and although unmarried yet did sympathize much and advise for me with a right good will telling me of a place in southern France where he hath been and the same beyond all else for the nerves only lonely but that not so bad since he proposeth going there this winter himself and can see after my wife somewhat the which greatly to my relief and so home and did discourse thereon with Mistress Badminton the which drew a long face and plain to see was dead against the plan the which putting me in a fine temper with what a woman hath for brains.

Wheat rising and A. B. & C. going down comes H. Nevil short to borrow the which crowneth my fury his niece being so far from making me happy and he being the cause of all. But did indorse two notes for him and so home and to bed with a bad grace and glad that my wife has betaken herself to another room.

_December ninth_

From the dock and my wife do be gone and now we may look for some peace the which sad enough needed.

_December tenth_

Comes H. Nevil all distraught to say that it is about at the clubs that my wife will have a divorce and marry the doctor, on the which hearing I much annoyed and summon Mrs. Badminton who denyeth the doctor but a.s.serteth La.s.selle whereupon we in a great taking and much brandy and soda but at last reflection and do decide not to sue but to pity La.s.selle for of a verity she be forever out of temper and flounceth when questioned.

To mine office and D. & E. going up comes H. Nevil to borrow again the gall of which doth take me greatly.

_January seventeenth_

Am all of a taking for that the papers in my wife's divorce do be filed into me this day and great to do when I learn that the cause she declareth is Sarah Badminton a woman as little comely as never was and mine own cousin. Verily the ways of a wife be past understanding.

_April eleventh_

Free this day and being free comes Mrs. Badminton weeping and declareth she be ruined if I marry her not next the which doth so overcome me that ere I have time to rally she hath kissed me and called me hers.

To my office with a heavy heart having no a.s.surance of how this second marriage will turn out and little hope but seeing H. Nevil with a long face did refuse to give him any inside information the which led to his going under about noon to my great joy for it was he who did get me in this marrying habit.

_February first_

My birthday and Lord what eating and drinking the which being good beyond compare my wife staying in the pantry to keep the whole in trim and all my friends discoursing on my joy the which is truly great she being so plain that a man will never look at her and so loving that she adoreth me come smiles come frowns.

But that which doth astonish me much is that H. Nevil telleth me that she that was once my wife is of exceeding content with La.s.selle a piece of news which I can scarce credit comparing him with myself.

But so wags the world.

THE PAINTERMINE[3]

BY KENYON c.o.x

Its innocence deserves no jibe-- Pity the creature, do not mock it.

'Tis type of all the artist tribe; Its trousers haven't any pocket!

[Footnote 3: From "Mixed Beasts," by Kenyon c.o.x. Copyright 1904, by Fox, Duffield & Co.]

THE ADVERTISER

BY EUGENE FIELD

I am an advertiser great!

In letters bold The praises of my wares I sound, Prosperity is my estate; The people come, The people go In one continuous, Surging flow.

They buy my goods and come again And I'm the happiest of men; And this the reason I relate, I'm an advertiser great!

There is a shop across the way Where ne'er is heard a human tread, Where trade is paralyzed and dead, With ne'er a customer a day.

The people come, The people go, But never there.

They do not know There's such a shop beneath the skies, Because _he_ does not advertise!

While I with pleasure contemplate That I'm an advertiser great.