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The Wit and Humor of America Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the The Wit and Humor of America novel. A total of 282 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : The Wit and Humor of America.Volume I.by Various.Volume I.FOREWORD EMBODYING A FEW REMAR
The Wit and Humor of America.Volume I.by Various.Volume I.FOREWORD EMBODYING A FEW REMARKS ON THE GENTLE ART OF LAUGH-MAKING.BY MARSHALL P. WILDER.Happiness and laughter are two of the most beautiful things in the world, for they are of the few that are p
- 1 The Wit and Humor of America.Volume I.by Various.Volume I.FOREWORD EMBODYING A FEW REMARKS ON THE GENTLE ART OF LAUGH-MAKING.BY MARSHALL P. WILDER.Happiness and laughter are two of the most beautiful things in the world, for they are of the few that are p
- 2 Thirty and forty at last arrive, And then come fifty, and FIFTY-FIVE.Little of all we value here Wakes on the morn of its hundredth year Without both feeling and looking queer.In fact, there's nothing that keeps its youth, So far as I know, but a tre
- 3 "And what is your age, my fine fellow?" quoth the stranger."If I live till next October," said the boy, in a declamatory tone of voice suitable for a Second Reader, "I will be seven years of age.""And who provides for yo
- 4 "Gracious!" said she; "what's that? I hope the gla.s.s isn't fractioned, for it is a sure sign of calamity, and mercy knows they come along full fast enough without helping 'em by breaking looking-gla.s.ses."There was an
- 5 Noon-time and June-time, down around the river!Clean out o' sight o' home, and skulkin' under kivver Of the sycamores, jack-oaks, and swamp-ash and ellum-- Idies all so jumbled up, you kin hardly tell'em!-- _Tired_, you know, but _lovi
- 6 "Don't," I cried; "don't. This woman doesn't know what dining means.Look out a chapter on feeding."Let.i.tia was perfectly unruffled. She paid no attention to me whatsoever.She was fascinated with the slovenly girl, who
- 7 I interrupted. She was silent, and I went on: "It seems a pity to end your studies in Swedish, Let.i.tia, but fascinating though they be, they do not really necessitate our keeping this barbarian. You can always pursue them, and exercise on me. I don
- 8 There was once a little animal, No bigger than a fox, And on five toes he scampered Over Tertiary rocks.They called him Eohippus, And they called him very small, And they thought him of no value-- When they thought of him at all; For the lumpish old Dinoc
- 9 [Ill.u.s.tration: CORONA'S PLAN]"Well," said the builder, after a silence,--"well, I've seen worse.""Thank you," said Corona, faintly."How does she set?" asked the builder."Who set?" said Corona,
- 10 XI Unto each man comes a day when his favorite sins all forsake him, And he complacently thinks he has forsaken his sins.XII Be not too anxious to gain your next-door neighbor's approval: Live your own life, and let him strive your approval to gain.X
- 11 OPPORTUNITY You hear a great many persons regretting lack of opportunity. If every man had opportunity for his desires, this would be a nation of murderers and disgraced women.EXPECTATION Always be ready for that which you do not expect. Nothing that you
- 12 I would not make a wanton jest here of Mrs. Johnson's anxiety to claim honor for the African color, while denying this color in many of her own family. It afforded a glimpse of the pain which all her people must endure, however proudly they hide it o
- 13 An' I'm not feelin' very surprise den, w'en de crowd holler out, "Encore,"For mak' all dem feller commencin' an' try leetle piece some more, 'Twas better wan' too, I be t'inkin', but slow la
- 14 "'That panther hunt is like this,' says the Colonel, turnin' to Dan. 'At the age of seventeen, me an' eight or nine of my intimate brave comrades founds what we-all denom'nates as the "Chevy Chase Huntin' Club.
- 15 BY BAYARD TAYLOR "Bridgeport! Change cars for the Naugatuck Railroad!" shouted the conductor of the New York and Boston Express Train, on the evening of May 27, 1858.... Mr. Johnson, carpet-bag in hand, jumped upon the platform, entered the offi
- 16 "This seemed to us a dark and bitter reflection; but one or another of us recalled some ill.u.s.tration of human hypocrisy, and the evidences, by the simple fact of repet.i.tion, gradually led to a division of opinion,--Hollins, Sh.e.l.ldrake, and Mi
- 17 "Hollins stared at the speaker in utter amazement. Sh.e.l.ldrake gave a long whistle, and finally gasped out: "'Well, what next?'"None of us were prepared for such a sudden and complete wreck of our Arcadian scheme. The foundation
- 18 When the word to charge was given, every dude was on the go-- He was there to die, to capture, or to kill!Oh, he struck his level when Men were called upon again To preserve the ancient glory of the old red, white, and blue!He has thrown his spats away, H
- 19 The Squire was puzzled. He had given out all the hard words in the book.He again pulled the top of his head forward. Then he wiped his spectacles and put them on. Then out of the depths of his pocket he fished up a list of words just coming into use in th
- 20 Wes had a way o' jest natchurly a-cleanin' out anybody and ever'body 'at 'ud he'p hold up a checker-board! Wes wuzn't what you'd call a _lively_ player at all, ner a compet.i.ter 'at talked much 'crost the
- 21 BY ST. JOHN HONEYWOOD I When Darby saw the setting sun, He swung his scythe, and home he run, Sat down, drank off his quart, and said, "My work is done, I'll go to bed.""My work is done!" retorted Joan, "My work is done! your
- 22 While pondering on the frailty Of happiness, hope, and mirth, The ascending sun with derisive scoff Hurled its golden lances and smote me off From the bulge of the restless earth.Through the yellowish dawn of velvet Where stars were so thickly strewn.That
- 23 I wanted to get up and fight the door-tender, but I couldn't.One of the conversationalists was sitting on my overcoat.I felt that if I got up and called my coat back to Papa she might lose the thread of her story, and the jar would be something frigh
- 24 The Orang-Outang A sea-song sang, About a Chimpanzee Who went abroad, In a drinking gourd, To the coast of Barberee.Where he heard one night, When the moon shone bright, A school of mermaids pick Chromatic scales From off their tails, And did it mighty sl
- 25 BY JOHN BOYLE O'REILLY Her hair was a waving bronze, and her eyes Deep wells that might cover a brooding soul; And who, till he weighed it, could ever surmise That her heart was a cinder instead of a coal!THE BRITISH MATRON BY NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE I h
- 26 When the garments were fully displayed, all the aunts looked at me. I had been to college; I had studied Burke's _Peerage_; I had been once to New York. Perhaps I could immediately name the exact station in n.o.ble British life to which that suit of
- 27 AN ODYSSEY OF K'S BY WILBUR D. NESBIT I've traveled up and down this land And crossed it in a hundred ways, But somehow can not understand These towns with names chock-full of K's.For instance, once it fell to me To pack my grip and quickly
- 28 "Well, here's thank G.o.d for the race and the sod!"Said Kelly and Burke and Shea.THE ORGAN BY HENRY WARD BEECHER At one of his week night lectures, Beecher was speaking about the building and equipping of new churches. After a few satirica
- 29 The Wit and Humor of America.Volume II.THE TWO NEW HOUSES BY CAROLYN WELLS Once on a Time, there were Two Men, each of whom decided to build for himself a Fine, New House.One Man, being of an Arrogant and Conceited Nature, took counsel of n.o.body, but de
- 30 Behind ye yer shoulders Stick out like two bowlders; Yer s.h.i.+ns is as thin As a pair of pen-holders!Wan--two!Wan--two!Yer belly belongs on yer back, ye Jew!Wan--two!Time! Mark!I'm dhry as a dog--I can't shpake but I bark!"Sez Corporal Ma
- 31 Potiphar, having duly performed their biennial social duty, dismissed the music, ordered the servants to count the spoons, and an hour or two after daylight went to bed. Enviable Mr. and Mrs. Potiphar!We are now prepared for the great moral indignation of
- 32 To even ast What wuz up, as he went past!Weather most outrageous hot!-- Fairly hear it sizz Roun' Dock an' Mike--till Dock he shot, An' Mike he slacked that grip o' his An' fell, all spraddled out. Dock riz 'Bout half up, a-s
- 33 Immediately after breakfast, he set out for the barn, ostensibly to "see to the ch.o.r.es;" really, I believe, to obtain a few moments' respite, before worse evil should come upon him.Pretty soon Grandma was at the back door calling in firm
- 34 "Must be Lovell," said Grandpa. "Yis, I know him! Hullo, thar'! s.h.i.+p ahoy! s.h.i.+p ahoy!"Grandpa's voice suggested something of the fire and vigor it must have had when it rang out across the foam of waves and pierced th
- 35 The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz on hand, held a informal meetin to arrange matters so ez they wood work smooth when the crowd finally got together. Genral Wool wuz ez gay and frisky ez though he reely belonged to the last ginerashn. There
- 36 Tom Henry likes to read a book, And writes a little for the papers, But scarcely ever leaves his nook, And takes no part in social capers.Now Tom has penned a book himself.I hope he'll never feel compunctions!Its t.i.tle is--it's on my shelf-- &
- 37 "No, I don't: I'm talking 'bout her father,--he that married Abe Simm's da'ter and got a power of land by it; and that gal, their da'ter, one of these days will step right into them swamps.""Oh," I replied
- 38 "I--I dinnaw," said Mr. Hennessy, whose dreaming had not gone this far.Then, recovering himself, he exclaimed with great enthusiasm, "I'd throw up me job an'--an' live like a prince.""I tell ye what ye'd do,&qu
- 39 Then the sun went down, it got dark, the wind moaned and wept like a lost child for its dead mother, and I could 'a' got up then and there and preached a better sermon than any I ever listened to. There wasn't a thing in the world left to l
- 40 And that inverted Ball they call the High-- By which the Duffer thinks to live or die, Lift not your hands to IT for help, for it As impotently froths as you or I.Yon rising Moon that leads us Home again, How oft hereafter will she wax and wane; How oft h
- 41 ACQUAINTANCE--Oh, yes, going to sing a solo.JOKER--So low you can't hear it? Ha, ha! (_Guests near by groan._) VOICE (_overheard_)--Madame Cully? My dear, she always tells you that you haven't half enough material, and makes you get yards more.
- 42 BRIGGS--Egg, large clock, jar of gold-fish, rabbit and empty barrel.HOSTESS--I have the egg.BRIGGS (_much annoyed_)--I particularly wanted the gold-fish, the clock and the barrel.(_Guests grow restless._) Hostess--Couldn't you do a trick while we are
- 43 "Most anywhar, missis; there's some in that cracked tea-cup up there, and there's some over in that ar cupboard.""Here are some in the grater," said Miss Ophelia, holding them up."Laws, yes; I put 'em there this mor
- 44 "Who says there will not?"I said, in slightly firmer tones, as I realized that the moment had come for dragging the rest of the rebels into court: "All of us boys!"But Mr. Hinman smiled, and said quietly that he guessed there would be
- 45 Budd, he fell dead in love right off with that there purty girl, And I suppose the feller's brain was in a fearful whirl, Fer there he set and gazed at her, and when she sighed he sighed, And when she hid her face and sobbed, he actually cried.He cli
- 46 "'I know,' says the preacher, 'that a great many people swear without thinkin', and some people don't b'lieve the Bible.'"And then he went on to preach a regular sermon ag'in swearing, and to quote Scriptu
- 47 SEFFY AND SALLY BY JOHN LUTHER LONG The place was the porch of the store, the time was about ten o'clock in the morning of a summer day, the people were the amiable loafers--and Old Baumgartner. The person he was discoursing about was his son Sepheni
- 48 Perhaps these were neither the garments nor the airs in which every farmer-maiden did her baking. But then, Sally was no ordinary farmer-maiden. She was all this, it is true, but she was, besides, grace and color and charm itself. And if she chose to bake
- 49 "Healthy."Seffy agreed to this, also."No doctor-bills!" his father amplified.Seffy said nothing."Entire orphen.""She's got a granny!""Yas," chuckled the old man at the way his son was drifting into th
- 50 "Oach! No wonder he wants to be an anchel, and wiss the anchels stand--holding sings in his hands and on his head! He's too good for this wile world. He'd linger s.h.i.+fering on the brink and fear to launch away all his durn life--if some
- 51 An' what do you reckon? His folks didn't know, An' paid to see Jimmy that night in the show!An' there's Billy Jenkins--he jest run away (Folks at his house wuzn't treatin' him right); Went to the place where the red Inju
- 52 Mamma smiled triumphantly, and the peddler, tying up his bundle and slinging his stick, departed with an air of humility.Papa's voice was soon heard, as usual, before he was seen."Rub down Beauty, Mark, and tell Diggory to call out the hounds.&q
- 53 The Wit and Humor of America.Volume III.OUR NEW NEIGHBORS AT PONKAPOG BY THOMAS BAILEY ALDRICH When I saw the little house building, an eighth of a mile beyond my own, on the Old Bay Road, I wondered who were to be the tenants. The modest structure was se
- 54 THE PUPPY Of all the animals I've met The Puppy is the worst one yet.Clumsy and crude, he hasn't brains Enough to come in when it rains.But with insufferable conceit He thinks that he is just too sweet.THE KID Kids are the funniest things I know
- 55 Eph gave vent to another chuckle."Not if ye understan' the'r ways," he observed sagely. "If ye let 'em alone an' don't go foolin' aroun' the'r ha'ntin'-groun' they'll never harm ye
- 56 The Donkey greeted Buddie with a careless nod, and remarked, as if antic.i.p.ating a comment he had heard many times: "Oh, yes; I play everything _by ear_.""Please keep on playing," said Buddie, taking a seat on another clump of reinde
- 57 "And you became _horse_ all over--""Why, then--""Why, then--""Think of another old saw," said the Donkey, picking up his lute."No; I don't believe I can remember any more old saws," said Buddie, after
- 58 "Well, a giraffe's neck runs out at a more convenient angle," said the Donkey. "Still, it _is_ tiresome without a check-rein. You hear a great deal about a check-rein being a cruel invention, but, on the contrary, it's a great ble
- 59 "Yes, I can read it as fast as English.""Read it as fast as Englis.h.!.+""Yes, as fast as English--and I didn't find it hard at all.""May I try you on a page?""Try away, try away; that's what I'v
- 60 "Oh, papa! thank you very much. When I read this book clear through, all the way to the end of the last volume, may I have another little book to read?""No," replied his father, "that may not be; because you will never get to the
- 61 ELIZABETH ELIZA WRITES A PAPER BY LUCRETIA P. HALE Elizabeth Eliza joined the Circ.u.mambient Club with the idea that it would be a long time before she, a new member, would have to read a paper. She would have time to hear the other papers read, and to s
- 62 MR. STIVER'S HORSE BY JAMES MONTGOMERY BAILEY The other morning at breakfast Mrs. Perkins observed that Mr. Stiver, in whose house we live, had been called away, and wanted to know if I would see to his horse through the day.I knew that Mr. Stiver ow
- 63 Perkins pushed back his hat and brought his feet to the floor with a smack."Why the delay?" he queried, "time is money. Hand me something from your desk."I looked in my pigeonholes and pulled from one a small ball of string.Perkins too
- 64 I was afraid she would try to run the talk into literary lines and Ibsen and Gorky, where I would have been swamped in a minute, but she didn't, and, although I had wondered how to break the subject of money when conversing with one who must be think
- 65 "Well," he said, "I'll tell you. This girl of mine reads pretty trashy stuff, and she knows about all the cheap novels there are. She dotes on 'The d.u.c.h.ess,' and puts her last dime into Braddon. She knows them all by hear
- 66 I writ his parents a postal-kyard, He could stay 'tel Spring-time come; And Aprile first, as I rickollect, Was the day we s.h.i.+pped him home!Most o' his relatives, sence then, Has either give up, er quit, Er jest died off; but I understand He&
- 67 "Teacher, yiss ma'an. I comes out of Russia," responded Morris, on the verge of tears and with his face buried in Teacher's dress.Now Mr. O'Shea had his prejudices--strong and deep. He had been given jurisdiction over that particu
- 68 "No-o-o-oh m-a-a-an; I ain't sick. I tells you 'scuse."The repeated imitation of a sorrowful goat was too much for the Honorable Tim."Bring that boy to me," he commanded. "I'll show you how to manage refractory and
- 69 "Write an opening chorus, of course," said the Idiot. "What did you suppose? A finale? Something like this: "If you want to know who we are, Just ask the Evening Star, As he smiles on high In the deep blue sky, With his tralala-la-la-l
- 70 "You're on, I see. Ain't those official meetin's of a church the limit?Gee! Once I went--a cold winter night--waded through snow knee-deep to a giraffe--and sat there two hours, while they discussed whether they'd fix the pastor&#
- 71 _From the Princess Boo-Lally, at Gumbo Goo, South Sea Islands, to Her Brother, Prince Umbobo, a Soph.o.m.ore at Yale._ BY WALLACE IRWIN "It is spring, my dear Umbobo, On the isle of Gumbo Goo, And your father, King Korobo, And your mother long for yo
- 72 THE TOWER OF LONDON BY ARTEMUS WARD Mr. Punch, _My Dear Sir_:--I skurcely need inform you that your excellent Tower is very pop'lar with pe'ple from the agricultooral districks, and it was chiefly them cla.s.s which I found waitin at the gates t
- 73 He said, "You vagabone, I'll have you indicted for exhibitin dangerous and immoral animals."I replied, "Gentle Sir, there isn't a animal here that hasn't a beautiful moral, but you mustn't fondle 'em. You mustn'
- 74 Though sweetness s.h.i.+nes in every look, Her laugh is never loud, nor often.Though golden locks have won renown With bards, I never heed their raving; The girl I love hath locks of brown, Not tightly curled, but gently waving.Her mouth?--Perhaps you
- 75 His was the rental of half Havana And all Matanzas; and Santa Anna, Rich as he was, could hardly hold A candle to light the mines of gold Our Cuban owned, choke-full of diggers; And broad plantations, that, in round figures, Were stocked with at least fiv
- 76 "What!" old Gid exclaimed, turning with a bouncing flounce and looking straight at the Major. "Marry Pennington! Why, she shan't, John. That's all there is of it. We object and that settles it. Why, what the deuce can she be think
- 77 "I will not Hurry Myself, for I Doubt Not the Market contains Plenty for all who come."She therefore Sauntered Forth at her Leisure, and on reaching the Market she found to her Dismay that the Choicest Cuts and the Finest Produce had All been So
- 78 The Old Gag was dead.IN ELIZABETH'S DAY BY WALLACE RICE Who would not give the treasure Of very many lives If some kind fate would pleasure To let him be where Ben is A-playing Kit at tennis, Or playing Will at fives?The racquet ne'er so deftly
- 79 BY CAROLYN WELLS Once on a Time two Business Men were Each Confronted with what seemed to be a Fine Chance to Make Money.One Man, being of a Cautious and Prudent Nature, said: "I will not Take Hold of this Matter until I have Carefully Examined it in
- 80 The Wit and Humor of America.Volume IV.THE BRIEFLESS BARRISTER _A Ballad_ BY JOHN G. SAXE An attorney was taking a turn, In shabby habiliments drest; His coat it was shockingly worn, And the rust had invested his vest.His breeches had suffered a breach, H
- 81 THE ECONOMICAL PAIR BY CAROLYN WELLS Once on a Time there was a Man and his Wife who had Different Ideas concerning Family Expenditures.The Man said: "I am Exceedingly Economical; although I spend Small Sums here and there for Cigars, Wines, Theater
- 82 Your friends have an intimate knowledge of you that is astonis.h.i.+ng to contemplate. It is not that they know your affairs, which he who runs may read, but they know you. From a bit of bone, Cuvier could predicate a whole animal, even to the hide and ha
- 83 put the lid on the hole so's to feel safe, an' there he was snug as a bug in a rug an' where no human bein' could get at him. They hollered an' banged doors an' sharpened the carvin' knife an' poured grease on the stove an' did anything they coul
- 84 yelled at once, an' the next thing we see was the minister droppin' his book an' grabbin' his arm an' the deacon tryin' madly to do hisself up in Polly's veil. We would 'a' all been glum petrified at such goin's on any other day, only by that ti
- 85 W'y, The Raggedy Man--he's ist so good He splits the kindlin' an' chops the wood; An' nen he spades in our garden, too, An' does most things 'at _boys_ can't do!-- He clumbed clean up in our big tree An' shooked a' apple down fer me-- An' nothe
- 86 If ever you should go by chance To jungles in the East, And if there should to you advance A large and tawny beast-- If he roar at you as you're dyin', You'll know it is the Asian Lion.If, when in India loafing round, A n.o.ble wild beast meets you, Wi
- 87 "Yes, there is! Didn't ye hear 'em? They've been yellin' like fury.""It's nothin' but Atkins's brush.""That all?" And Taddy appeared very much disappointed. "I thought there was goin' to be some fun. I wonder who was such a fool as to yell
- 88 Instead of repairing the mischief he had done in the sitting-room, Taddy devoted his time and talents to the more interesting occupation of constructing his kite-frame. He worked at that until Mr. Grantly, the minister, driving by, stopped to inquire how
- 89 "Not exactly," replied he, surveying my horse with a quizzical smile; "I haven't been a driving _by myself_ for a year or two; and my nose has got so bad lately, I can't carry a cold trail _without hounds to help me_."Alone, and without hounds as he
- 90 But this was a match of rifles exclusively; and these are by far the most common at this time.Most of the compet.i.tors fire at the same target; which is usually a board from nine inches to a foot wide, charred on one side as black as it can be made by fi
- 91 "I was afraid I was drawing my bead a _leetle_ too fine," said Billy."Now, Lyman, you see what the Soap-stick can do. Take her, and show the boys how you used to do when you was a baby."I begged to reserve my shot to the last; pleading, rather sophist
- 92 In the front parlor, there it stands, And there Jemima plies her hands, While her papa beneath his cloak, Mutters and groans: "This is no joke!"And swears to himself and sighs, alas!With sorrowful voice to all who pa.s.s.Do, re, mi, Mi, re, do.Through d
- 93 De big Owl holler en cry fer his mate, My honey, my love!Oh, don't stay long! Oh, don't stay late!My honey, my love!Hit ain't so mighty fur ter de Good-by Gate, My honey, my love!Whar we all got ter go w'en we sing out de night, My honey, my love!_My
- 94 "We got the cook to help us," Mrs. Ogden told me, "so as not to disturb your cigars. In spite of the cow-boys, I still recognize my own country.""In the cook?" I rather densely asked."Oh, no! I don't have a Chinaman. It's in the length of after-d
- 95 He tried to speak calmly. "This is a disgrace. An infamous disgrace.Never in my life have I--" Words forsook him, and his face grew redder."Never in my life--" He stopped again, because, at the sight of him being dignified in his red drawers, I was ma
- 96 "'Squire," said he, "that will do for a song, but it ain't no p'ints of a good hos. Trotters nowadays go in all shapes, big heads and little heads, big eyes and little eyes, short ears or long ears, thick tail and no tail; so as they have sound legs
- 97 HOW WE BOUGHT A SEWIN' MACHINE AND ORGAN BY JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE We done dretful well last year. The crops come in first-rate, and Josiah had five or six heads of cattle to turn off at a big price. He felt well, and he proposed to me that I should have a
- 98 Amongst other things, Josiah had bought a barrel of salt, and the piano feller that had stuck to Josiah so tight that day, offered to help him on with it. And the organ man--not goin' to be outdone by the other--he offered too. Josiah kinder winked to me
- 99 But I didn't care a mite; we drove off tickled enough that we had got through with our sufferin's with agents. And the colt had got so beat out a runnin' and racin', that he drove home first-rate, walkin' along by the old mare as stiddy as a deacon.C
- 100 "Well, the ground under my feet was soft, and, being relieved of my heavy boots, I put off with double-quick time, and, seeing the creek about half a mile off, I ventured to look over my shoulder to see what kind of chance there was to hold up and load.