The Wit and Humor of America
Chapter 167 : And the barber kept on shaving.THE MOSQUITO BY WILLIAM CULLEN BRYANT Fair insect! that

And the barber kept on shaving.

THE MOSQUITO

BY WILLIAM CULLEN BRYANT

Fair insect! that, with thread-like legs spread out, And blood-extracting bill, and filmy wing, Dost murmur, as thou slowly sail'st about, In pitiless ears, fall many a plaintive thing, And tell how little our large veins should bleed Would we but yield them to thy bitter need.

Unwillingly, I own, and, what is worse, Full angrily, men listen to thy plaint; Thou gettest many a brush and many a curse, For saying thou art gaunt, and starved, and faint.

Even the old beggar, while he asks for food, Would kill thee, hapless stranger, if he could.

I call thee stranger, for the town, I ween, Has not the honor of so proud a birth: Thou com'st from Jersey meadows, fresh and green, The offspring of the G.o.ds, though born on earth; For t.i.tan was thy sire, and fair was she, The ocean-nymph that nursed thy infancy.

Beneath the rushes was thy cradle swung, And when at length thy gauzy wings grew strong, Abroad to gentle airs their folds were flung, Rose in the sky and bore thee soft along; The south wind breathed to waft thee on thy way, And danced and shone beneath the billowy bay.

Calm rose afar the city spires, and thence Came the deep murmur of its throng of men, And as its grateful odors met thy sense, They seemed the perfumes of thy native fen.

Fair lay its crowded streets, and at the sight Thy tiny song grew shriller with delight.

At length thy pinion fluttered in Broadway,-- Ah, there were fairy steps, and white necks kissed By wanton airs, and eyes whose killing ray Shone through the snowy veils like stars through mist; And fresh as morn, on many a cheek and chin, Bloomed the bright blood through the transparent skin.

Sure these were sights to tempt an anchorite!

What! do I hear thy slender voice complain?

Thou wailest when I talk of beauty's light, As if it brought the memory of pain.

Thou art a wayward being--well, come near, And pour thy tale of sorrow in mine ear.

What say'st thou, slanderer! rouge makes thee sick?

And China Bloom at best is sorry food?

And Rowland's Kalydor, if laid on thick, Poisons the thirsty wretch that bores for blood?

Go! 'twas a just reward that met thy crime; But shun the sacrilege another time.

That bloom was made to look at,--not to touch; To wors.h.i.+p, not approach, that radiant white; And well might sudden vengeance light on such As dared, like thee, most impiously to bite.

Thou shouldst have gazed at distance, and admired,-- Murmured thy admiration and retired.

Thou'rt welcome to the town; but why come here To bleed a brother poet, gaunt like thee?

Alas! the little blood I have is dear, And thin will be the banquet drawn from me.

Look round: the pale-eyed sisters in my cell, Thy old acquaintance, Song and Famine, dwell.

Try some plump alderman, and suck the blood Enriched by generous wine and costly meat; On well-filled skins, sleek as thy native mud, Fix thy light pump, and press thy freckled feet.

Go to the men for whom, in ocean's halls, The oyster breeds and the green turtle sprawls.

There corks are drawn, and the red vintage flows, To fill the swelling veins for thee, and now The ruddy cheek and now the ruddier nose Shall tempt thee, as thou flittest round the brow; And when the hour of sleep its quiet brings, No angry hand shall rise to brush thy wings.

"TIDDLE-IDDLE-IDDLE-IDDLE-b.u.m! b.u.m!"

BY WILBUR D. NESBIT

When our town band gets on the square On concert night you'll find me there.

I'm right beside Elijah Plumb, Who plays th' cymbals an' ba.s.s drum; An' next to him is Henry Dunn, Who taps the little tenor one.

I like to hear our town band play, But, best it does, I want to say, Is when they tell a tune's to come With "Tiddle-iddle-iddle-iddle- b.u.m-b.u.m!"

O' course, there's some that likes the tunes Like _Lily Dale_ an' _Ragtime c.o.o.ns_; Some likes a solo or duet By Charley Green--B-flat cornet-- An' Ernest Brown--th' trombone man.

(An' they can play, er no one can); But it's the best when Henry Dunn Lets them there sticks just cut an' run, An' 'Lijah says to let her hum With "Tiddle-iddle-iddle-iddle- b.u.m-b.u.m!"

I don't know why, ner what's the use O' havin' that to interduce A tune--but I know, as fer me I'd ten times over ruther see Elijah Plumb chaw with his chin, A-gettin' ready to begin, While Henry plays that roll o' his An' makes them drumsticks fairly sizz, Announcin' music, on th' drum, With "Tiddle-iddle-iddle-iddle- b.u.m-b.u.m!"

MY FIRST CIGAR

BY ROBERT J. BURDETTE

'Twas just behind the woodshed, One glorious summer day, Far o'er the hills the sinking sun Pursued his westward way; And in my safe seclusion Removed from all the jar And din of earth's confusion I smoked my first cigar.

It was my first cigar!

It was the worst cigar!

Raw, green and dank, hide-bound and rank It was my first cigar!

Ah, bright the boyish fancies Wrapped in the smoke-wreaths blue; My eyes grew dim, my head was light, The woodshed round me flew!

Dark night closed in around me-- Black night, without a star-- Grim death methought had found me And spoiled my first cigar.

It was my first cigar!

A six-for-five cigar!

No viler torch the air could scorch-- It was my first cigar!

All pallid was my beaded brow, The reeling night was late, My startled mother cried in fear, "My child, what have you ate?"

I heard my father's smothered laugh, It seemed so strange and far, I knew he knew I knew he knew I'd smoked my first cigar!

It was my first cigar!

A give-away cigar!

I could not die--I knew not why-- It was my first cigar!

Since then I've stood in reckless ways, I've dared what men can dare, I've mocked at danger, walked with death, I've laughed at pain and care.

I do not dread what may befall 'Neath my malignant star, No frowning fate again can make Me smoke my first cigar.

I've smoked my first cigar!

My first and worst cigar!

Fate has no terrors for the man Who's smoked his first cigar!