The Wit and Humor of America
Chapter 177 : After prefatory prayers and hymns, and _pithy_ exhortations by several brothers of the

After prefatory prayers and hymns, and _pithy_ exhortations by several brothers of the Circa.s.sian breed, our dusky divine, the Rev. Mizraim Ham, commenced his sermon, founded on the duel between David and Goliath.

This discourse we shall condense into a few pages; although the comedy or _mellow_-drama--for it greatly mellowed and relaxed the muscles--required for its entire action a full hour. There was, indeed, a prologue, but the rest was mainly dialogue, in which Mr. Ham wonderfully personated all the different speakers, varying his tone, manner, att.i.tude, etc., as varying characters and circ.u.mstances demanded. We fear much of the spirit has evaporated in this condensation; but that evil is unavoidable.

REV. MIZRAIM HAM'S DISCOURSE

"Bruthurn and sisturn, tention, if you pleases, while I want you for to understand this here battul most partiklur 'zact, or may be you moughtn't comprend urn. Furst place, I gwyin to undevur to sarc.u.mscribe fust the 'cas.h.i.+n of this here battul: second place, the 'comdas.h.i.+ns of the armies: third place, the folkses as was gwyin for to fite and didn't want to, and some did: and last and fourth place, I'm gwyin for to show purtiklur 'zact them as fit juul, and git victry and git kill'd.

"Tention, if you please, while I fustly sarc.u.mscribe the 'casion of this here battul. Bruthurn and sisturn, you see them thar hethun Fillystines, what warn't circ.u.mcised, they wants to ketch King Sol and his 'ar folks for to make um slave; and so, they c.u.ms down to pick a quorl, and begins a-totin off all their cawn, and wouldn't 'low um to make no hoes to hoe um, nor no homnee. And that 'ar, you see, stick in King Solsis gizurd; and he ups and says, says he, 'I'm not gwying to be used up that 'ar away by them uncirc.u.mcis'd hethun Fillystines, and let um tote off our folkses cawn to chuck to thar hogs, and take away our hoes so we can't hoe um--and so, Jonathun, we'll drum up and list soljurs and try um a battul.' And then King Sol and his 'ar folks they goes up, and the hethun and theirn comes down and makes war. And this is the 'cas.h.i.+n why they fit.

"Tention, 'gin, if you pleases, I'm gwyin in the next place secondly, to show the 'comdas.h.i.+ns of this here battul, which was so fas.h.i.+n like. The Fillystines they had thar army up thar on a mounting, and King Sol he had hissin over thar, like, across a branch, amoss like that a one thar--(pointing)--and it was chuck full of sling rock all along on the bottom. And so they was both on um camp'd out; this a one on this 'ar side, and tother a one on tother, and the lilly branch tween um--and them's the 'comdas.h.i.+ns.

"Tention once more agin, as 'caze next place thirdly, I'm a gwyin to give purtiklur 'zact 'count of sum folkses what fit and sum didn't want to. And lubly sinnahs, maybe you minds um, as how King Sol and his soljurs was pepper hot for fite when he fust liss um; but now, lubly sinnahs, when they gits up to the Fillystines, they cool off mighty quick, I tell you! 'Caze why? I tell you; why, 'caze a grate, big, ugly ole jiunt, with grate big eyes, so fas.h.i.+n--(Mr. Ham made giant's eyes here)--he k.u.ms a rampin' out a frount o' them 'ar rigiments, like the ole devul a gwyin about like a half-starv'd lion a-seeking to devour poor lubly sinnahs! And he c.u.m a-jumpin and a-tearin out so fas.h.i.+n--(actions to suit)--to git sum of King Solsis soljurs to fite urn juul; and King Sol, lubly bruthurn and sisturn, he gits sker'd mighty quick, and he says to Jonathun and tother big officers, says he, 'I ain't a gwyin for to fite that grate big fellah.' And arter that they ups and says, 'We ain't a gwying for to fite um nuther, 'caze he's all kiver'd with sheetirun, and his head's up so high we muss stand a hoss back to reach um!'--the jiunt he was _so big_!!

"And then King Sol he quite down in the jaw, and he turn and ax if somebody wouldn't hunt up a soljur as would fite juul with um; and he'd give um his dawtah, the prinsuss, for wife, and make um king's son-in-law. And then one old koretur, they call him Abnah, he comes up and says to Sol so: 'Please, your majustee, sir, I kin git a young fellah to fite um,' says he. And Abnah tells how Davy had jist rid up in his carruge and left um with the man what tend the hossis--and how he heern Davy a quorl'n with his bruthers and a wantun to fite the jiunt.

Then King Sol, he feel mighty glad, I tell you, sinnahs, and he make um bring um up, and King Sol he begins a-talkin so, and Davy he answers so:--

"'What's your name, lilly fellah?'

"'I was krissen'd Davy.'

"'Who's your farder?'

"'They call um Jesse.'

"'What you follur for livin?'

"'I 'tend my farder's sheep.'

"'What you k.u.m arter? Ain't you affeerd of that 'ar grate ugly ole jiunt up thar, lilly Davy?'

"'I k.u.m to see arter my udder brudurs, and bring um in our carruge some cheese and muttun, and some clene s.h.i.+rt and trowser, and have tother ones wash'd. And when I c.u.m I hear ole Golliawh a hollerin out for somebody to c.u.m and fite juul with um; and all the soljurs round thar they begins for to make traks mighty quick, I tell you, please your majuste, sir, for thar tents; but, says I, what you run for? I'm not a-gwyin for to run away--if King Sol wants somebody for to fite the jiunt, I'll fite um for um.'

"'I mighty feer'd, lilly Davy you too leetul for um--'

"'No! King Sol, I kin lick um. One day I gits asleep ahind a rock, and out k.u.ms a lion and a bawr, and begins a-totin off a lilly lam; and when I heern um roarin and pawin 'bout, I rubs my eyes and sees um gwyin to the mountings--and I arter and ketch'd up and kill um both without no gun nor sword--and I bring back poor lilly lamb. I kin lick ole Goliawh, I tell you, please your majuste, sir.'

"Then King Sol he wery glad, and pat um on the head, and calls um 'lilly Davy,' and wants to put on um his own armur made of bra.s.s and sheetirum and to take his sword, but Davy didn't like um, but said he'd trust to his sling. And then out he goes to fite the ole jiunt; and this 'ar brings me to the fourth and last diwis.h.i.+n of our surmun.

"'Tention once more agin, for la.s.s time, as I'm gwyin to give most purtikurl.u.s.t 'zactest 'count of the juul atween lilly Davy and ole Goliawh the jiunt, to show, lubly sinnah! how the Lord's peepul without no carnul gun nor sword, can fite ole Bellzybub and knock um over with the sling rock of prayer, as lilly Davy knocked over Goliawh with hissin out of the Branch.

"And to 'l.u.s.terut the juul and make um spikus, I'll show 'zactly how they talk'd, and jaw'd, and fit it all out; and so ole Goliawh when he sees Davy a k.u.mun, he hollurs out so, and lilly Davy he say back so:

"'What you k.u.m for, lilly Jew?--'

"'What I k.u.m for? you'll find out mighty quick, I tell you--I k.u.m for fite juul--'

"'Huhh! huhh! haw!--t'ink I'm gwyin to fite puttee lilly baby? I want King Sol or Abnah, or a big soljur man--'

"'Hole your jaw--I'll make you laugh tother side, ole grizzle-gruzzle, 'rectly--I'm man enough for biggust jiunt Fillystine.'

"'Go way, poor lilly boy! go home, lilly baby, to your mudder, and git sugar plum--I no want kill puttee lilly boy--'

"'k.u.m on!--don't be afeerd!--don't go for to run away!--I'll ketch you and lick you--'

"'You leetul raskul--I'll kuss you by all our G.o.ds--I'll cut out your sa.s.sy tung--I'll break your blackguard jaw--I'll rip you up and give um to the dogs and crows--'

"'Don't cuss so, ole Golly! I 'sposed you wanted to fite juul--so k.u.m on with your old irun-pot hat on--you'll git belly full mighty quick--'

"'You nasty leetle raskul, I'll k.u.m and kill you dead as chopped sa.s.sudge.'"

Here the preacher represented the advance of the parties; and gave a florid and wonderfully effective description of the closing act partly by words and partly by pantomime; exhibiting innumerable marches and counter-marches to get to windward, and all the postures, and gestures, and defiances, till at last he personated David putting his hand into a bag for a stone; and then making his cotton handkerchief into a sling, he whirled it with fury half a dozen times around his head, and then let fly with much skill at Goliath; and at the same instant halloing with the frenzy of a madman--"Hurraw for lilly Davy!" At that cry he, with his left hand, struck himself a violent slap on the forehead, to represent the blow of the sling-stone hitting the giant; and then in person of Goliath he dropped _quasi_ dead upon the platform amid the deafening plaudits of the congregation; all of whom, some spiritually, some sympathetically, and some carnally, took up the preacher's triumph shout--

"Hurraw! for lilly Davy!"

How the Rev. Mizraim Ham made his exit from the boards I could not see--perhaps he rolled or crawled off. But he did not suffer decapitation, like "ole Golly": since in ten minutes, his woolly pate suddenly popped up among the other sacred heads that were visible over the front railing of the rostrum, as all kept moving to and fro in the wild tossings of religious frenzy.

Scarcely had Mr. Ham fallen at his post, when a venerable old warrior, with matchless intrepidity, stepped into the vacated spot; and without a sign of fear carried on the contest against the Arch Fiend, whose great ally had been so recently overthrown--i.e., Goliath, (not Mr. Ham). Yet excited, as evidently was this veteran, he still could not forego his usual introduction, stating how old he was; where he was born; where he obtained religion; how long he had been a preacher; how many miles he had traveled in a year; and when he buried his wife--all of which edifying truths were received with the usual applauses of a devout and enlightened a.s.sembly. But this introduction over--which did not occupy more than fifteen or twenty minutes--he began his attack in fine style, waxing louder and louder as he proceeded, till he exceeded all the old gentlemen to "holler" I ever heard, and indeed old ladies either.

EXTRACT FROM HIS DISCOURSE

"... Yes, sinners! you'll all have to fall and be knock'd down some time or nuther, like the great giant we've heern tell on, when the Lord's sarvints come and fight agin you! Oho! sinner! sinner!--oh!--I hope you may be knock'd down to-night--now!--this moment--and afore you die and go to judgment! Yes! oho! yes! oh!--I say judgment--for it's appinted once to die and then the judgment--oho! oh! And what a time ther'll be then! You'll see all these here trees--and them 'are stars, and yonder silver moon afire!--and all the alliments a-meltin and runnin down with fervent heat-ah!"--(I have elsewhere stated that the _unlearned_ preachers out there (?) are by the vulgar--(not the _poor_)--but the _vulgar_, supposed to be more favored in preaching than man-made preachers; and that the sign of an unlearned preacher's inspiration being in full _blast_ is his inhalations, which puts an ah! to the end of sentences, members, words, and even exclamations, till his breath is all gone, and no more can be _sucked_ in)--"Oho!

hoah! fervent heat-ah! and the trumpit a-soundin-ah!--and the dead arisin-ah!--and all on us a-flyin-ah!--to be judged-ah!--O-hoah!

sinner--sinner--sinner--sinner-ah! And what do I see away thar'-ah!--down the Mississippi-ah!--thar's a man jist done a-killin-ah another-ah!--and up he goes with his b.l.o.o.d.y dagger-ah! And what's that I see to the East-ah! where proud folks live clothed in purple-ah! and fine linen-ah!--I see 'em round a table a drinkin a decoction of Indian herb-ah!--and up they go with cups in thar hands-ah! and see--ohoah!--see! in yonder doggery some a dancin-ah! and fiddlin-ah!--and up they go-ah! with cards-ah! and fiddle-ah!" etc., etc.

Here the tempest around drowned the voice of the old hero; although, from the frantic violence of his gestures, the frightful distortion of his features, and the Pythonic foam of his mouth, he was plainly blazing away at the enemy. The uproar, however, so far subsided as to allow my hearing his closing exhortation, which was this:

"... Yes, I say--fall down--fall down all of you, on your knees!--shout!--cry aloud!--spare not!--stamp with the _foot_!--smite with the _hand_!--down! _down!_--that's it--down brethren!--down preachers!--down _sisters_!--pray away!--take it by storm!--_fire_ away!

fire _away_! not one at a time! not two together-ah!--a single shot the devil will _dodge-ah_!--give it to him _all at once_--fire a _whole platoon_!--at him!!"

And then such platoon firing as followed! If Satan stood that, he can stand much more than the worthy folks thought he could. And, indeed, the effect was wonderful!--more than forty thoughtless sinners that came for fun, and twice as many backsliders were instantly knocked over!--and there all lay, some with violent jerkings and writhings of body, and some uttering the most piercing and dismaying shrieks and groans! The fact is, I was nearly knocked down myself--

"You?--Mr. Carlton!!"

Yes--indeed--but not by the hail of spiritual shot falling so thick around me; it was by a sudden rush towards my station, where I stood mounted on a stump. And this rush was occasioned by a wish to see a stout fellow lying on the straw in the pen, a little to my left, groaning and praying, and yet kicking and pummelling away as if scuffling with a st.u.r.dy antagonist. Near him were several men and women at prayer, and one or more whispering into his ear; while on a small stump above stood a person superintending the contest, and so as to insure victory to the right party. Now the prostrate man, who like a spirited tom-cat seemed to fight best on his back, was no other than our celebrated New Purchase bully--Rowdy Bill! And this being reported through the congregation, the rush had taken place by which I was so nearly overturned. I contrived, however, to regain my stand, shared indeed now with several others, we hugging one another and standing on tip-toes and our necks elongated as possible; and thus we managed to have a pretty fair view of matters.

About this time the Superintendent in a very loud voice cried out--"Let him alone, brothers! let him alone sisters! keep on praying!--it's a hard fight--the devil's got a tight grip yet! He don't want to lose poor Bill--but he'll let go soon--Bill's gittin the better on him fast!--Pray away!"

Rowdy Bill, be it known, was famous as a gouger, and so expert was he in his antioptical vocation, that in a few moments he usually bored out an antagonist's eyes, or made him cry _peccavi_. Indeed, could he, on the present occasion, have laid hold of his unseen foe's head--spiritually we mean--he would--figuratively, of course--soon have caused him to ease off or let go entirely his metaphorical grip. So, however, thought one friend in the a.s.sembly--Bill's wife. For Bill was a man after her own heart; and she often said that "with fair play she sentimentally allowed her Bill could lick ary a man in the 'varsal world, and his weight in wild cats to boot." Hence, the kind-hearted creature, hearing that Bill was actually fighting with the evil one, had pressed in from the outskirts to see fair play; but now hearing Bill was in reality down, and apparently undermost, and above all, the words of the Superintendent, declaring that the fiend had a tight grip of the poor fellow, her excitement would no longer be controlled; and, collecting her vocal energies, she screamed out her common exhortation to Bill, and which, when heeded, had heretofore secured him immediate victories--"Gouge him, Billy!--gouge him, _Billy!--gouge_ him!"

This spirited exclamation was instantly shouted by Bill's cronies and partizans--mischievously, _maybe_, for we have no right to judge of men's motives, in meetings:--but a few--_friends_, doubtless, of the old fellow--cried out in very irreverent tone--"Bite him! devil--_bite_ him!" Upon which the faithful wife, in a tone of voice that beggars description, reiterated her--"Gouge him," etc.--in which she was again joined by her husband's allies, and that to the alarm of his invisible foe; for Bill now rose to his knees, and on uttering some mystic jargon symptomatic of conversion, he was said to have "got religion";--and then all his new friends and spiritual guides united in fresh prayers and shouts of thanksgiving.

It was now very late at night; and joining a few other citizens of Woodville, we were soon in our saddles and buried in the darkness of the forest. For a long time, however, the uproar of the spiritual elements at the camp continued at intervals to swell and diminish on the hearing; and, often came a yell that rose far above the united din of other screams and outcries. Nay, at the distance of nearly two miles, could be distinguished a remarkable and sonorous _oh_!--like the faintly heard explosion of a mighty elocutional cla.s.s, practising under a master. And yet my comrades, who had heard this peculiar cry more than once, all declared that this wonderful _oh_-ing was performed by the separate voice of our townsman, Eolus Letherlung, Esq.!

CONCLUSION