The Memoirs of Cleopatra
Chapter 61 : What was I to do next? One time can be a surprise, a mistake, a venture. But after that

What was I to do next? One time can be a surprise, a mistake, a venture. But after that... it becomes a deliberate decision. I could never pretend to myself to be taken unawares again by Antony.

What was the point in continuing? He was married to the fearsome Fulvia, and had two sons by her. He was pa.s.sing through the eastern provinces--he would not stay. And I would never go to Rome again as anyone's mistress. We would have this meeting for the next few days, and then part. Well, what of it? Perhaps it was better that way. It could serve no purpose but a brief flare of pa.s.sion. I meant to enjoy that, however; I felt I deserved it as some sort of a reward ... for what, I was not sure.

Antony . . . specific memories of the hours in the dark beset me, making me bite my lips, as if to tame the hot thoughts. I was doing this when Charmian appeared in the mirror behind me, embarra.s.sing me.

"Dear mistress--Your Majesty--I--" She looked fl.u.s.tered and shaken.

"What is it?" I am afraid I was sharp with her.

"Is it true what the men are saying? That the lord Antony has been here all night? In here?" She looked at the rumpled bed.

"Yes, it's true," I said. " "And I enjoyed it immensely!" I flung the words out defiantly, as if practicing them.

"Madam," she said, a look of pain crossing her face.

"Don't say it!" I said. "I will hear nothing against it! We answer to no one." I echoed Antony's sentence.

"What about to your own heart? What about to the court of Egypt? And the public opinion in Rome?"

"I am used to flouting public opinion in Rome. As for the court of Egypt, I have done nothing to harm it. But for my own heart... ah ... it is drawn to him."

"Better it were not!" she said. "Better it were only your body that was drawn to him."

I laughed. "It is primarily my body," I said. "In truth, I know little about him beyond that." Still. . . that was enough for now.

She looked relieved.

The day pa.s.sed. I conferred with the cooks and the entire staff of the boat, praising them for the successful evening. They attempted to mask their smiles and giggles and rib-punching. I ordered them to procure several cartloads of rose petals for tomorrow evening. There. That should keep them busy.

Now for Antony's dinner. This time I would go as Cleopatra, not as Venus. Once was a novelty, twice was predictable. As I watched myself being dressed, I could not help wondering if any of the incandescence I felt inside was translated on the outside, excitement made visible.

I would be carried in a litter, accompanied by four torch-bearers in the falling dusk. From my height, I could see the pleasing buildings and clean streets of Tarsus. This city had been solidly Caesarian, and had been savagely treated by Ca.s.sius. Now, in recognition of their sufferings and loyalty, Antony had rewarded them by exempting them from taxes and gifting them with a magnificent new gymnasion.

He had set up headquarters in the center of town, and it was there that the litter was set down and I emerged. I found myself standing on broad steps leading up to a great covered hall. Soldiers were stationed on either side, and an armed escort appeared to guide us into the hall.

The ceiling was flat and high, and rows of pillars divided the hall into three aisles. This was a merchant building, cleared for the occasion. There were brave attempts to make it luxurious--Syrian embroidered hangings draped the rough walls, and lamp stands were set up every few feet. Musicians were playing, seated on a platform near the entrance. But it felt like a market--and smelled faintly like one, too, in spite of the perfumed incense permeating the air. Soldiers, in uniform, were stationed about the room, and the company seemed to consist primarily of men, although there were a few women present--probably the wives of the city magistrates.

While the center of the hall held the traditional dining couches and tables, the rest of the company were to eat at long tables, like a soldiers' mess. I saw Dellius up near the couches, wearing what was evidently his formal attire--a plain tunic and st.u.r.dy sandals. The only festive note was a wide gold bracelet on his left arm. He was surrounded by a group of other soldiers, all drinking and laughing too loudly. They must have been drinking steadily since the early afternoon.

Just then, Antony burst into the room with two other staff officers. Seeing him gave me a start--it felt odd to see him publicly again, surrounded by all these drinking companions.

He was somewhat better dressed than Dellius, but not much. Over his tunic he wore a light cloak, held with a bronze clasp, and he was wearing boots instead of sandals, but his hair was wild and his color high. He, too, must have been drinking all afternoon.

He saw me and nodded. Then, abruptly, he raised his arms and shouted, "Welcome, welcome, good friends all!" The noise abated slightly, but some of the men kept on laughing and talking. He had to grab his dagger and bang it against a metal plate to silence them.

"We are here to honor the Queen of Egypt, who has journeyed far to see us," he shouted. He had a very commanding voice, even when it was touched by wine.

All the company shouted. I winced. Had I joined a legion?

"Welcome to our humble dining hall," he said, and the words were not the usual polite disclaimers. "I have tried to make it royal for you."

Still, all the time he was speaking, he was not looking at me, but at his men.

Of course, they did not know. They had been ash.o.r.e all night, and thought Antony had been, too.

"Sit! Sit!" he boomed. The entire company obeyed, making a racket as they did.

Now I was to take my place at his side on the dining couches. I found him still avoiding looking at me, joking and making endless talk with his men. Finally he sank down on the couch in order for the meal to begin.

I leaned on my elbow, putting my head close to his.

"You have been busy," I said.

Instead of looking at me, he just lowered his head. Finally he said, "I warned you it would not equal yours."

"It is different," I said. "Remember, I have never been entertained anywhere but Rome, Alexandria, and Meroe. I have no idea what a provincial capital is like."

It felt odd, too, to be carrying on this stilted talk about dining halls, after.. . and why would he not turn his head? I longed to take it between my hands and turn it firmly in my direction. Maybe even kiss him. Yes, that would entertain the soldiers.

"Look at me!" I chided him.

He turned, and I saw the veiled desire on his face--or was it just my own, reflected on his? My imagination was so strong it could paint itself on neutral things. The broad forehead, the dark eyes, the fleshy, curvaceous mouth--I could a.s.sociate them only with one thing.

"A command I gladly obey," he said. Then Dellius caught his attention.

"How early does the winter come here?" he was asking. "We have to clear out before then."

One of the Tarsus magistrates answered. "We have a long autumn, and the mountain s.h.i.+elds us from the north winds*for some time. Where do you go after this?"

"On to Syria," said Antony. "And then to Judaea. I need to meet with Herod."

"And then?" I asked.

"Back to Rome," he said.

A company of clowns poured into the room, dressed in imitation Roman uniforms. They began running up and down the room, shouting riddles.

"What is it that rises at sundown and only goes down at sunrise?"

I was sure they did not have the full moon in mind.

"What is it that itches more than wool next to that most delicate skin?" and so on. There were also political barbs, although here they had to tread softly. The company clearly adored these "entertainments," and stamped their feet in pleasure.

Well, you were bored with the usual proper Roman dinners, I told myself. Some of the remarks are wickedly clever--admit it.

"I always wanted to be a soldier," I told Antony, laying my hand on his arm.

To my surprise, he edged it away, reaching quickly for a handful of olives.

"Invade Parthia with me, then," he said heartily.

I was unlikely to supply for him what I had denied to Caesar. He would have to bankroll this venture out of his own resources. "As your guest, perhaps," I said.

By the time the banquet was over, I felt I had been on a campaign. In truth, I had enjoyed the respite from expected conversations and ritual phrases. It was as great a novelty to me as the Venus-s.h.i.+p had been to him.

I grew tired, and as the evening was lengthening into a plain old drinking bout, I decided to take my leave.

For the first time, Antony looked disappointed. "No, I want you to stay."

"What, and drink with the men? I think they would be freer to enjoy themselves once I have gone. I have kept them waiting long enough to cut loose."

"Come to my apartments," he said. "I will not be long."

I laughed. "Like a camp follower? No, thank you."

"But I prepared it for us!"

"I suppose you replaced the field bed with a real one? That is not the problem. I would shame myself to parade up there and wait for the great general. And in front of his officers!" Suddenly I was angry with him. "Is that what you were aiming at all along? An opportunity to show off?" I indicated the vast company. "Impress them?"

I had to get out of there. I felt betrayed.

"No, wait, I did not--" But he did not extend a hand to stay me.

"You must come to me," I said. "That is the only way." I brushed past him and entered my litter quickly.

As I sat looking out the curtains of the swaying litter, I was angry with myself for inviting him at all. If he came to the s.h.i.+p, I was not sure I was in the mood to see him. I did not feel very amorous anymore. He had avoided me all during the evening, acting distant and evasive, and then he thought I would wait for him afterward! Clearly he had been spoiled to death by women. And even last night--it was the act of a man very sure of himself to appear like that. Suddenly I did did feel level with a common camp follower. I had behaved like one. feel level with a common camp follower. I had behaved like one.

It was late by the time I had boarded my own s.h.i.+p and entered my quarters. This time last night, I had just begun to relax after the banquet... no wonder I was exhausted. Even without Antony's sudden appearance, the voyage itself and the preparations had been draining. Now I felt the last bit of energy seeping from me.

I could barely sit up, and I no longer had the wherewithal to think about Antony or his soldiers' dinner. Without calling Charmian, I pulled off my clothes and literally crawled into bed, collapsing into a deep sleep. It was the dreamless kind, a black, stuporous envelope.

Then, suddenly, something was in the room. I came instantly and completely awake, and sat bolt upright.

Antony was standing there, holding a dim lamp over his head, throwing a faint circle of light around him.

"I came as soon as I could," he said. "Charmian let me in."

I clutched a covering to myself, and stared at him. Never had I felt so disadvantaged--unclothed, sleep-confused, taken by surprise again, while he stood impa.s.sively looking down at me, properly gowned and cloaked.

Charmian would have a.s.sumed I wanted him there, that I had been waiting for him. No wonder she had let him in.

Before I could say anything--for my wits were slow in returning--he sat down on the bed and embraced me, his encircling hands touching my bare back. They were cold from the night air, and I s.h.i.+vered. He responded by holding me tighter.

"The men went on and on, drinking and singing," he said quietly. "It got so late, but I could not leave. Ordinarily I would have out-indulged them all, but all I could think of was getting away and following you."

As he spoke, I realized he was cold sober; he had stood aloof from the rest of them. If he was here now, it was not on a whim or impulse. He had had hours to think about it, clearheaded hours.

"At last they left, and I was free."

"And no one saw you leave?" So he had stolen away in secret, leaving his quarters empty.

"I fear whatever I do cannot please you," he said. "First you told me to be bold about it, that it should not be hidden. Then, when I asked you to come to my quarters publicly, you accused me of trying to impress my men. You even said it would shame you--something I would never do. That is why* I betrayed nothing during the dinner. It was up to you to reveal whatever you wished. Obviously you chose not to let the company know." All the time he spoke, he merely held me, and made no attempt even to kiss me.

"I was confused," I said. "I admit I said one thing in the morning and another at night. It was easier to be daring on my own s.h.i.+p, among my own people, than before strangers. Here my people know well enough that no man besides you has been admitted to my chambers, whereas your men are used to the parade of women. I had no wish to be another Glaphyra."

"There is no one like you in all the world, and certainly not Glaphyra."

He sounded so earnest that I had to laugh. "Oh, Antony, you are too easy to forgive," I said. "I was angry with you about the raucous invitation, and angry that you stole into this room, and even angry that you caught me like this."

"Like this?" he said, kissing my shoulder where the covering had slipped off. "It is much more effective than the Venus costume. The most beautiful Venus statues are nude." But there was nothing insistent about his action; gone were the feverish embraces of the night before.

His calm speech, his very hesitation, was soothing and oddly erotic. There was a sort of languor to him, a slow pa.s.sivity. I was drawn into it. The more still he was, the more awake and aroused I became.

"You may stay," I said, finally moving my own arms up his own, over and across his shoulders. "Sir, I grant you permission." Only then did I lean forward and kiss his lips. It was a kiss that lasted a long time, that left me charged with excitement, since it seemed to exist just for itself, suspended, not leading from or to anything. I had never had a kiss like that, divorced from everything but itself. I felt I could live in it for eternity.

For a timeless time I was content with only that--an endless kiss while I held, and was held by, this man who seemed to know how to make me feel both erotic and cherished at the same time.

Eventually, lying beside him, stretched out together in the close darkness, I wished that could go on forever, too. Caesar had loved me, but always he was Caesar. I had never been adored before, never wors.h.i.+ped by the body. It was like beholding an entirely new color, bathing in it.

I had not thought I could ever love anyone physically different from the lean and elegantly proportioned Caesar--even my ideas of what love was had been bound up in his his body, inseparable from it. Now that had been cast aside, and I must learn anew. body, inseparable from it. Now that had been cast aside, and I must learn anew.

When I lay facedown, fully contented, he took infinite care in untangling my hair, drawing it out and smoothing it across my back. It came halfway down, well below my shoulder blades.

"I always wanted to touch your hair," he said. "But first of all, it was forbidden, and second, it was always braided up or twisted full of jewels. It had such a dark gleam to it."

I thought of all the times when I was just growing into womanhood, how I would rinse my hair in scented oils, brush it, take handfuls of it and try to imagine whether it would please someone. And now it had. I laughed, not a jarring laugh, but one of pleasure. "It is yours to do with as you will."

"Then perhaps I shall cut it all off," he said playfully. "Yes, and keep it for myself, leaving you to hide your shorn-sheep look under a headdress. I am curious what you would look like without that extraordinary hair. But I think it would not matter. Not to me."

"A woman with short hair--how odd that would be!" I said. "I would feel like an athlete--a boy runner."

"I do not think, somehow, that you would look like one."

"Actually, I can run rather fast."

"But you would have to compete naked," he said. "And no one but I should see you that way."

"You are neither my husband nor my brother nor my father, so you have no right to make such p.r.o.nouncements."

"Yes, I do, the oldest one of all. I am jealous and won't permit it."

"Won't permit it! Listen to you--Fulvia's husband." As soon as I said the word, I regretted it. None of that had any place here, right now. "I am sorry," I said instantly. "That was wrong of me."

"No, it was honest of you. But Fulvia is in Rome, and that is far away."

"Antony, come back to Alexandria with me." I could not bear to say goodbye after only three days, when we were due to sail. Even memories needed more than three days to take permanent form, solidify.

He was silent a long time, stroking my hair. "I do not know that I can," he finally said.