The Book of Humorous Verse
Chapter 17 : As my clock ticked, My cat purred, And my kettle sang.At last the candles sputtered out

As my clock ticked, My cat purred, And my kettle sang.

At last the candles sputtered out, But the embers still were bright, When I turned my tumbler upside down, An' bade m'self g' night!

As th' ket'l t-hic-ked, The clock purred, And the cat (hic) sang!

_Tudor Jenks._

SONG

Three score and ten by common calculation The years of man amount to; but we'll say He turns four-score, yet, in my estimation, In all those years he has not lived a day.

Out of the eighty you must first remember The hours of night you pa.s.s asleep in bed; And, counting from December to December, Just half your life you'll find you have been dead.

To forty years at once by this reduction We come; and sure, the first five from your birth, While cutting teeth and living upon suction, You're not alive to what this life is worth.

From thirty-five next take for education Fifteen at least at college and at school; When, notwithstanding all your application, The chances are you may turn out a fool.

Still twenty we have left us to dispose of, But during them your fortune you've to make; And granting, with the luck of some one knows of, 'Tis made in ten--that's ten from life to take.

Out of the ten yet left you must allow for The time for shaving, tooth and other aches, Say four--and that leaves, six, too short, I vow, for Regretting past and making fresh mistakes.

Meanwhile each hour dispels some fond illusion; Until at length, sans eyes, sans teeth, you may Have scarcely sense to come to this conclusion-- You've reached four-score, but haven't lived a day!

_J. R. Planche._

THE QUEST OF THE PURPLE COW

He girded on his s.h.i.+ning sword, He clad him in his suit of mail, He gave his friends the parting word, With high resolve his face was pale.

They said, "You've kissed the Papal Toe, To great Moguls you've made your bow, Why will you thus world-wandering go?"

"I never saw a purple cow!"

"I never saw a purple cow!

Oh, hinder not my wild emprise-- Let me depart! For even now Perhaps, before some yokel's eyes The purpling creature dashes by, Bending its n.o.ble, horned brow.

They see its glowing charms, but I-- I never saw a purple cow!"

"But other cows there be," they said, "Both cows of high and low degree, Suffolk and Devon, brown, black, red, The Ayrs.h.i.+re and the Alderney.

Content yourself with these." "No, no,"

He cried, "Not these! Not these! For how Can common kine bring comfort? Oh!

I never saw a purple cow!"

He flung him to his charger's back, He left his kindred limp and weak, They cried: "He goes, alack! alack!

The unattainable to seek."

But westward still he rode--pardee!

The West! Where such freaks be; I vow, I'd not be much surprised if he Should some day see A Purple Cow!

_Hilda Johnson._

ST. PATRICK OF IRELAND, MY DEAR!

A fig for St. Denis of France-- He's a trumpery fellow to brag on; A fig for St. George and his lance, Which spitted a heathenish dragon; And the saints of the Welshman or Scot Are a couple of pitiful pipers, Both of whom may just travel to pot, Compared with that patron of swipers-- St. Patrick of Ireland, my dear!

He came to the Emerald Isle On a lump of a paving-stone mounted; The steamboat he beat by a mile, Which mighty good sailing was counted.

Says he, "The salt water, I think, Has made me most bloodily thirsty; So bring me a flagon of drink To keep down the mulligrubs, burst ye!

Of drink that is fit for a saint!"

He preached, then, with wonderful force, The ignorant natives a-teaching; With a pint he washed down his discourse, "For," says he, "I detest your dry preaching."

The people, with wonderment struck At a pastor so pious and civil, Exclaimed--"We're for you, my old buck!

And we pitch our blind G.o.ds to the devil, Who dwells in hot water below!"

This ended, our wors.h.i.+pful spoon Went to visit an elegant fellow, Whose practice, each cool afternoon, Was to get most delightfully mellow.

That day with a black-jack of beer, It chanced he was treating a party; Says the saint--"This good day, do you hear, I drank nothing to speak of, my hearty!

So give me a pull at the pot!"

The pewter he lifted in sport (Believe me, I tell you no fable); A gallon he drank from the quart, And then placed it full on the table.

"A miracle!" every one said-- And they all took a haul at the stingo; They were capital hands at the trade, And drank till they fell; yet, by jingo, The pot still frothed over the brim.

Next day, quoth his host, "'Tis a fast, And I've nought in my larder but mutton; And on Fridays who'd made such repast, Except an unchristian-like glutton?"

Says Pat, "Cease your nonsense, I beg-- What you tell me is nothing but gammon; Take my compliments down to the leg, And bid it come hither a salmon!"

And the leg most politely complied.

You've heard, I suppose, long ago, How the snakes, in a manner most antic, He marched to the county Mayo, And trundled them into th' Atlantic.

Hence, not to use water for drink, The people of Ireland determine-- With mighty good reason, I think, Since St. Patrick has filled it with vermin And vipers, and other such stuff!

Oh, he was an elegant blade As you'd meet from Fairhead to Kilcrumper; And though under the sod he is laid, Yet here goes his health in a b.u.mper!

I wish he was here, that my gla.s.s He might by art magic replenish; But since he is not--why, alas!

My ditty must come to a finish,-- Because all the liquor is out!

_William Maginn._

THE IRISH SCHOOLMASTER

"Come here, my boy; hould up your head, And look like a jintleman, Sir; Jist tell me who King David was-- Now tell me if you can, Sir."

"King David was a mighty man, And he was King of Spain, Sir; His eldest daughter 'Jessie' was The 'Flower of Dunblane,' Sir."