The Book of Humorous Verse
Chapter 85 : Man's an Anthropoid--he cannot help that, you know-- First evoluted from Pongos of

Man's an Anthropoid--he cannot help that, you know-- First evoluted from Pongos of old; He's but a branch of the _catarrhine_ cat, you know-- Monkey I mean--that's an ape with a cold.

Fast dying out are man's later Appearances, Cataclysmitic Geologies gone; Now of Creation completed the clearance is, Darwin alone you must anchor upon.

Primitive Life--Organisms were chemical, Busting spontaneous under the sea; Purely subaqueous, panaquademical, Was the original Crystal of Me.

I'm the Apostle of mighty Darwinity, Stands for Divinity--sounds much the same-- Apo-theistico-Pan-Asininity Only can doubt whence the lot of us came.

Down on your knees, Superst.i.tion and Flunkeydom!

Won't you accept such plain doctrines instead?

What is so simple as primitive Monkeydom Born in the sea with a cold in its head?

_Herman C. Merivale._

SELECT Pa.s.sAGES FROM A COMING PORT

DISENCHANTMENT

My Love has sicklied unto Loath, And foul seems all that fair I fancied-- The lily's sheen's a leprous growth, The very b.u.t.tercups are rancid.

ABAs.e.m.e.nT

With matted head a-dabble in the dust, And eyes tear-sealed in a saline crust I lie all loathly in my rags and rust-- Yet learn that strange delight may lurk in self-disgust.

STANZA WRITTEN IN DEPRESSION NEAR DULWICH

The lark soars up in the air; The toad sits tight in his hole; And I would I were certain which of the pair Were the truer type of my soul!

TO MY LADY

Twine, lanken fingers, lily-lithe, Gleam, slanted eyes, all beryl-green, Pout, blood-red lips that burst a-writhe, Then--kiss me, Lady Grisoline!

THE MONSTER

Uprears the monster now his s...o...b..rous head, Its filamentous chaps her ankles brus.h.i.+ng; Her twice-five roseal toes are cramped in dread, Each maidly instep mauven-pink is flus.h.i.+ng.

A TRUMPET BLAST

Pale Patricians, sunk in self-indulgence, Blink your bleared eyes. Behold the Sun-- Burst proclaim in purpurate effulgence, Demos dawning, and the Darkness done!

_F. Anstey._

THE ROMAUNT OF HUMPTY DUMPTY

'Tis midnight, and the moonbeam sleeps Upon the garden sward; My lady in yon turret keeps Her tearful watch and ward.

"Beshrew me!" mutters, turning pale, The stalwart seneschal; "What's he, that sitteth, clad in mail Upon our castle wall?"

"Arouse thee, friar of orders grey; What ho! bring book and bell!

Ban yonder ghastly thing, I say; And, look ye, ban it well!

By c.o.c.k and pye, the Humpty's face!"

The form turned quickly round; Then totter'd from its resting-place--

That night the corse was found.

The king, with hosts of fighting men Rode forth at break of day; Ah! never gleamed the sun till then On such a proud array.

But all that army, horse and foot, Attempted, quite in vain, Upon the castle wall to put The Humpty up again.

_Henry S. Leigh._

THE WEDDING

Lady Clara Vere de Vere!

I hardly know what I must say, But I'm to be Queen of the May, mother, I'm to be Queen of the May!

I am half-crazed; I don't feel grave, Let me rave!

Whole weeks and months, early and late, To win his love I lay in wait.

Oh, the Earl was fair to see, As fair as any man could be;-- The wind is howling in turret and tree!

We two shall be wed tomorrow morn, And I shall be the Lady Clare, And when my marriage morn shall fall, I hardly know what I shall wear.

But I shan't say "my life is dreary,"

And sadly hang my head, With the remark, "I'm very weary, And wish that I were dead."

But on my husband's arm I'll lean, And roundly waste his plenteous gold, Pa.s.sing the honeymoon serene In that new world which is the old.

For down we'll go and take the boat Beside St. Katherine's docks afloat, Which round about its prow has wrote-- "The Lady of Shalotter"

(Mondays and Thursdays,--Captain Foat), Bound for the Dam of Rotter.

_Thomas Hood, Jr._

IN MEMORIAM TECHNICAM

I count it true which sages teach-- That pa.s.sion sways not with repose, That love, confounding these with those, Is ever welding each with each.