The Book of Humorous Verse
Chapter 169 : _Theodore Hook._ THE WAR: A-Z An Austrian Archduke, a.s.saulted and a.s.sailed, Broke

_Theodore Hook._

THE WAR: A-Z

An Austrian Archduke, a.s.saulted and a.s.sailed, Broke Belgium's barriers, by Britain bewailed, Causing consternation, confused chaotic crises; Diffusing destructive, death dealing devices.

England engaged earnestly, eager every ear, France fought furiously, forsaking foolish fear, Great German garrisons grappled Gallic guard, Hohenzollern Hussars hammered, heavy, hard.

Infantry, Imperial, Indian, Irish, intermingling, Jackets jaunty, joking, jesting, jostling, jingling.

Kinetic, Kruppised Kaiser, kingdom's killing knight, Laid Louvain lamenting, London lacking light, Mobilising millions, marvellous mobility, Numberless nonent.i.ties, numerous n.o.bility.

Oligarchies olden opposed olive offering, Prussia pressed Paris, Polish protection proffering, Quaint Quebec quickly quartered quotidian quota, Renascent Russia, resonant, reported regal rota.

Scotch soldiers, sterling, songs stalwart sung, "Tipperary" thundered through t.i.tanic tongue.

United States urging unarmament, unwanted, Visualised victory vociferously vaunted, Wilson's warnings wasted, world war wild, Xenian Nanthochroi Nantippically X-iled.

Yorks.h.i.+re's young yeomen yelling youthfully, "Zigzag Zeppelins, Zuyder Zee."

_John R. Edwards._

LINES TO MISS FLORENCE HUNTINGDON

Sweet maiden of Pa.s.samaquoddy Shall we seek for communion of souls Where the deep Mississippi meanders Or the distant Saskatchewan rolls?

Ah, no!--for in Maine I will find thee A sweetly sequestrated nook, Where the far-winding Skoodoowabskooksis Conjoins with the Skoodoowabskook.

There wander two beautiful rivers, With many a winding and crook: The one is the Skoodoowabskooksis; The other, the Skoodoowabskook.

Ah, sweetest of haunts! though unmentioned In geography, atlas, or book, How fair is the Skoodoowabskooksis, When joining the Skoodoowabskook!

Our cot shall be close by the waters, Within that sequestrated nook, Reflected by Skoodoowabskooksis, And mirrored in Skoodoowabskook.

You shall sleep to the music of leaflets, By zephyrs in wantonness shook, To dream of the Skoodoowabskooksis, And, perhaps, of the Skoodoowabskook.

Your food shall be fish from the waters, Drawn forth on the point of a hook, From murmuring Skoodoowabskooksis, Or meandering Skoodoowabskook.

You shall quaff the most sparkling of waters, Drawn forth from a silvery brook, Which flows to the Skoodoowabskooksis, And so to the Skoodoowabskook.

And you shall preside at the banquet, And I shall wait on you as cook; And we'll talk of the Skoodoowabskooksis, And sing of the Skoodoowabskook.

Let others sing loudly of Saco, Of Quoddy and Tattamagouche, Of Kenebeccasis and Quaco, Of Merigoniche and Buctouche,

Of Nashwaak and Magaguadavique, Or Memmerimammericook:-- There's none like the Skoodoowabskooksis, Excepting the Skoodoowabskook!

_Unknown._

TO MY NOSE

Knows he that never took a pinch, Nosey, the pleasure thence which flows, Knows he the t.i.tillating joys Which my nose knows?

O Nose, I am as proud of thee As any mountain of its snows, I gaze on thee, and feel that pride A Roman knows!

_Albert A. Forrester (Alfred Crowquill)._

A POLKA LYRIC

Qui nunc dancere vult modo, Wants to dance in the fas.h.i.+on, oh!

Discere debet--ought to know, Kickere floor c.u.m heel and toe, One, two, three, Hop with me, Whirligig, twirligig, rapide.

Polkam jungere, Virgo, vis, Will you join the polka, miss?

Liberius--most willingly, Sic agimus--then let us try: Nunc vide, Skip with me, Whirlabout, roundabout, celere.

Tum laeva cito, turn dextra, First to the left, and then t'other way; Aspice retro in vultu, You look at her, and she looks at you.

Das palmam Change hands, ma'am; Celere--run away, just in sham.

_Barclay Philips._

A _CAT_ALECTIC MONODY!

A cat I sing, of famous memory, Though _cat_achrestical my song may be; In a small garden _cat_acomb she lies, And _cat_aclysms fill her comrades' eyes; Borne on the air, the _cat_acoustic song Swells with her virtues' _cat_alogue along, No _cat_aplasm could lengthen out her years, Though mourning friends shed _cat_aracts of tears.

Once loud and strong her _cat_echist-like voice It dwindled to a _cat_call's squeaking noise; Most _cat_egorical her virtues shone, By _cat_enation join'd each one to one;-- But a vile _cat_chpoll dog, with cruel bite, Like _cat_ling's cut, her strength disabled quite; Her _cat_erwauling pierced the heavy air, As _cat_aphracts their arms through legions bear; 'Tis vain! as _cat_erpillars drag away Their lengths, like _cat_tle after busy day, She ling'ring died, nor left in kit _kat_ the Embodyment of this _cat_astrophe.

_Cruikshank's Omnibus._

ODE FOR A SOCIAL MEETING

WITH SLIGHT ALTERATIONS BY A TEETOTALER

Come! fill a fresh b.u.mper,--for why should we go logwood While the {nectar} still reddens our cups as they flow?

decoction Pour out the {rich juices} still bright with the sun, dye-stuff Till o'er the brimmed crystal the {rubies} shall run.

half-ripened apples The {purple-globed cl.u.s.ters} their life-dews have bled; taste sugar of lead How sweet is the {breath} of the {fragrance they shed}!