The Book of Humorous Verse
Chapter 178 : His Coat was all Pancakes with Jam for a border, And a girdle of Biscuits to keep it i

His Coat was all Pancakes with Jam for a border, And a girdle of Biscuits to keep it in order.

And he wore over all, as a screen from bad weather, A Cloak of green Cabbage leaves, st.i.tched all together.

He had walked a short way, when he heard a great noise Of all sorts of Beasticles, Birdlings and Boys; And from every long street and dark lane in the town Beasts, Birdies and Boys in a tumult rushed down.

Two Cows and a Calf ate his Cabbage leaf Cloak; Four Apes seized his girdle which vanished like smoke; Three Kids ate up half of his Pancaky Coat, And the tails were devoured by an ancient He Goat.

An army of Dogs in a twinkling tore _up_ his Pork Waistcoat and Trowsers to give to their Puppies; And while they were growling and mumbling the Chops Ten Boys prigged the Jujubes and Chocolate Drops.

He tried to run back to his house, but in vain, For scores of fat Pigs came again and again; They rushed out of stables and hovels and doors, They tore off his Stockings, his Shoes and his Drawers.

And now from the housetops with screechings descend Striped, spotted, white, black and grey Cats without end; They jumped on his shoulders and knocked off his hat, When Crows, Ducks and Hens made a mincemeat of that.

They speedily flew at his sleeves in a trice And utterly tore up his s.h.i.+rt of dead Mice; They swallowed the last of his s.h.i.+rt with a squall,-- Whereon he ran home with no clothes on at all.

And he said to himself as he bolted the door, "I will not wear a similar dress any more, Any more, any more, any more, nevermore!"

_Edward Lear._

THE TWO OLD BACHELORS

Two old Bachelors were living in one house; One caught a m.u.f.fin, the other caught a Mouse.

Said he who caught the m.u.f.fin to him who caught the Mouse, "This happens just in time, for we've nothing in the house, Save a tiny slice of lemon and a teaspoonful of honey, And what to do for dinner,--since we haven't any money?

And what can we expect if we haven't any dinner But to lose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing thinner?"

Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the m.u.f.fin, "We might cook this little Mouse if we only had some Stuffin'!

If we had but Sage and Onions we could do extremely well, But how to get that Stuffin' it is difficult to tell!"

And then those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the town And asked for Sage and Onions as they wandered up an down; They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be found In the Shops or in the Market or in all the Gardens round.

But some one said, "A hill there is, a little to the north, And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth; And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage,-- An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page.

Climb up and seize him by the toes,--all studious as he sits,-- And pull him down, and chop him into endless little bits!

Then mix him with your Onion (cut up likewise into sc.r.a.ps), And your Stuffin' will be ready, and very good--perhaps."

And then those two old Bachelors, without loss of time, The nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb; And at the top among the rocks, all seated in a nook, They saw that Sage a-reading of a most enormous book.

"You earnest Sage!" aloud they cried, "your book you've read enough in!

We wish to chop you into bits and mix you into Stuffin'!"

But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book At those two Bachelors' bald heads a certain aim he took; And over crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down,-- At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town; And when they reached their house, they found (besides their want of Stuffin') The Mouse had fled--and previously had eaten up the m.u.f.fin.

They left their home in silence by the once convivial door; And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of more.

_Edward Lear._

JABBERWOCKY

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The frumious Banders.n.a.t.c.h!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand: Long time the manxome foe he sought.

So rested he by the Tumtum tree, And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood, The Jabberwock with eyes of flame, Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through, and through The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

Oh, frabjous day! Callooh! callay!"

He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabe.

_Lewis Carroll._

WAYS AND MEANS

I'll tell thee everything I can; There's little to relate.

I saw an aged aged man, A-sitting on a gate.

"Who are you, aged man?" I said, "And how is it you live?"

His answer trickled through my head Like water through a sieve.

He said, "I look for b.u.t.terflies That sleep among the wheat: I make them into mutton-pies, And sell them in the street.

I sell them unto men," he said, "Who sail on stormy seas; And that's the way I get my bread-- A trifle, if you please."

But I was thinking of a plan To dye one's whiskers green, And always use so large a fan That they could not be seen.

So, having no reply to give To what the old man said, I cried, "Come, tell me how you live!"

And thumped him on the head.

His accents mild took up the tale; He said, "I go my ways And when I find a mountain-rill I set it in a blaze; And thence they make a stuff they call Rowland's Maca.s.sar Oil-- Yet twopence-halfpenny is all They give me for my toil."

But I was thinking of a way To feed oneself on batter, And so go on from day to day Getting a little fatter.

I shook him well from side to side, Until his face was blue; "Come, tell me how you live," I cried, "And what it is you do!"

He said, "I hunt for haddock's eyes Among the heather bright, And work them into waistcoat-b.u.t.tons In the silent night.

And these I do not sell for gold Or coin of silvery s.h.i.+ne, But for a copper halfpenny And that will purchase nine.

"I sometimes dig for b.u.t.tered rolls, Or set limed twigs for crabs; I sometimes search the gra.s.sy knolls For wheels of Hansom cabs.

And that's the way" (he gave a wink) "By which I get my wealth-- And very gladly will I drink Your Honor's n.o.ble health."