The Diary and Letters of Madame D'Arblay
Chapter 84 : My dear friends will, I know, wish to see it,--and so they shall; though not this momen

My dear friends will, I know, wish to see it,--and so they shall; though not this moment, as I have it not about me, and do not remember it completely.[224]

My breakfast was short, the chaise was soon ready, and forth I sallied for dear--once how dear!--old Chesington! Every step of the road brought back to my mind the first and most loved and honoured friend of my earliest years, and I felt a melancholy almost like my first regret for him, when I considered what joy, what happiness I lost, in missing his congratulations on a situation so much what he would have chosen for me--congratulations which, flowing from a mind such as his, so wise, so zealous, so sincere, might almost have reconciled me to it myself--I mean even then--for now the struggle is over, and I am content enough.

John rode on, to open the gates; the gardener met him and I believe surprise was never greater than he carried into the house with my name.

Out ran dear Kitty Cooke, whose honestly affectionate reception touched me very much,--"O," cried she, "had our best friend lived to see this day when you came to poor old Chesington from Court!"

Her grief, ever fresh, then overflowed in a torrent and I could hardly either comfort her, or keep down the sad regretful recollections rising in my own memory. O my dear Susan, with what unmixed satisfaction, till that fatal period when I paid him my last visit, had I ever entered those gates-where pa.s.sed the scenes of the greatest ease, gaiety, and native mirth that have fallen to my lot!

Mrs. James Burney next, all astonishment, and our dear James himself, all incredulity, at the report carried before me, came out.[225] Their hearty welcome and more pleasant surprise recovered me from the species of consternation with which I had approached their dwelling, and the visit, from that time, turned out perfectly gay and happy.

My dearest father was already gone to town; but I had had much reason to expect I should miss him, and therefore I could not be surprised....

I left them all with great reluctance: I had no time to walk in the garden,--no heart to ascend the little mount, and see how Norbury hills and woods looked from it!

I set out a little the sooner, to enable me to make another visit, which I had also much at heart,--it was to our aunts at Kingston. I can never tell you their astonishment at sight of me; they took me for my own ghost, I believe, at first, but they soon put my substance to the proof, and nothing could better answer my motives than my welcome, which I need not paint to my Susan, who never sees them without experiencing it. To my great satisfaction, also, my nieces f.a.n.n.y and Sophy happened to be there at that time.

My return was just in time for my company, which I found increased by the arrival of two more gentlemen, Mr. Fisher and Mr. Turbulent. Mr.

Fisher had been ordered to come, that he might read prayers the next day, Sunday. Mr. Turbulent[226] was summoned, I suppose, for his usual occupations; reading with the princesses, or to the queen. Shall I introduce to you this gentleman such as I now think him at once? or wait to let his character open itself to you by degrees, and in the same manner that it did to me? So capital a part as you will find him destined to play, hereafter, in my concerns, I mean, sooner or later, to the best of my power, to make you fully acquainted with him....

He took his seat next mine at the table, and a.s.sisted me, while Mr.

Fisher sat as chaplain at the bottom. The dinner went off extremely well, though from no help of mine.... The three men and the three females were all intimately acquainted with one another, and the conversation, altogether, was equal, open, and agreeable.

You may a little judge of this, when I tell you a short speech that escaped Miss Planta. Mr. Turbulent said he must go early to town the next morning, and added, he should call to see Mrs. Schwellenberg, by order of the queen, "Now for heaven's sake, Mr. Turbulent," she cried, eagerly, "don't you begin talking to her of how comfortable we are here!--it will bring her back directly!"

This was said in a half whisper; and I hope no one else heard it. I leave you, my dear friends, to your own comments.

TEA ROOM GAMBOLS.

Mr. and Mrs. Smelt and Mrs. Delany came to us at teatime. Then, and in their society, I grew more easy and disengaged.

The sweet little Princess Amelia, who had promised me a visit, came during tea, brought by Mrs. Cheveley. I left every body to play with her, and Mr. Smelt joined in our gambols. We pretended to put her in a phaeton, and to drive about and make visits with her. She entered into the scheme with great spirit and delight, and we waited upon Mrs. Delany and Mrs. Smelt alternately. Children are never tired of playing at being women; and women there are who are never tired, in return, of playing at being children!

In the midst of this frolicking, which at times was rather noisy, by Mr.

Smelt's choosing to represent a restive horse, the king entered! We all stopped short, guests, hosts, and horses; and all, with equal celerity, retreated, making the usual circle for his majesty to move in. The little princess bore this interruption to her sport only while surprised into quiet by the general respect inspired by the king. The instant that wore off, she grew extremely impatient for the renewal of our gambols, and distressed me most ridiculously by her innocent appeals.

"Miss Burney!--come!--why don't you play?--Come, Miss Burney, I say, play with me!--come into the phaeton again!--why don't you, Miss Burney?"

After a thousand vain efforts to quiet her by signs, I was forced to whisper her that I really could play no longer.

"But why? why, Miss Burney?--do! do come and play with me!--You must, Miss Burney!"

This pet.i.tion growing still more and more urgent, I was obliged to declare my reason, in hopes of appeasing her, as she kept pulling me by the hand and gown, so entirely with all her little strength, that I had the greatest difficulty to save myself from being suddenly jerked into the middle of the room: at length, therefore, I whispered, "We shall disturb the king, ma'am!"

This was enough; she flew instantly to his majesty, who was in earnest discourse with Mr. Smelt, and called out, "Papa, go!"

"What?" cried the king.

"Go! papa,--you must go!" repeated she eagerly.

The king took her up in his arms, and began kissing and playing with her; she strove with all her might to disengage herself, calling aloud "Miss Burney! Miss Burney! take me--come, I say, Miss Burney!--O Miss Burney, come!"

You may imagine what a general smile went round the room at this appeal: the king took not any notice of it, but set her down, and went on with his discourse. She was not, however, a moment quiet till he retired: and then we renewed our diversions, which lasted to her bed-time.

A DREADFUL MISHAP.

_Nov. 6._--This morning happened my first disgrace of being too late for the queen--this noon, rather; for in a morning 'tis a disaster that has never arrived to this moment.

The affair thus came to pa.s.s. I walked for some time early in Kew gardens, and then called upon Mrs. Smelt. I there heard that the king and queen were gone, privately, to Windsor, to the Lodge--probably for some papers they could not intrust with a messenger. Mr. Smelt, therefore, proposed taking this opportunity of shewing me Richmond gardens, offering to be my security that I should have full time. I accepted the proposal with pleasure, and we set out upon our expedition.

Our talk was almost all of the queen. Mr. Smelt wishes me to draw up her character. I owned to him that should it appear to me, on nearer and closer inspection, what it seemed to me then, the task could not be an unpleasant one.

He saw me safe to the Lodge, and there took his leave: and I was going leisurely upstairs, when I met the Princess Amelia and Mrs. Cheveley; and while I was playing with the little princess, Mrs. Cheveley announced to me that the queen had been returned some time, and that I had been sent for immediately.

Thunderstruck at this intelligence, I hastened to her dressing-room; when I opened the door, I saw she was having her hair dressed. To add to my confusion, the Princess Augusta, Lady Effingham, and Lady Frances Howard were all in the room. I stood still at the door, not knowing whether to advance, or wait a new summons. In what a new situation did I feel myself!--and how did I long to give way to my first impulse, and run back to my own room.

In a minute or two, the queen not a little drily said, "Where have you been, Miss Burney?"

I told her my tale,--that hearing she was gone to Windsor, I had been walking in Richmond gardens with Mr. Smelt. She said no more, and I stood behind her chair. The princess and two ladies were seated.

What republican feelings were rising in my breast, till she softened them down again, when presently, in a voice changed from that dryness which had wholly disconcerted me, to its natural tone, she condescended to ask me to look at Lady Frances Howard's gown, and see if it was not very pretty.

This made a dutiful subject of me again in a moment. Yet I felt a discomposure all day, that determined me upon using the severest caution to avoid such a surprise for the future. The Windsor journey having been merely upon business, had been more brief than was believed possible.

When I left the queen, I was told that Mrs. Delany was waiting for me in the parlour. What a pleasure and relief to me to run to that dear lady, and relate to her my mischance, and its circ.u.mstances! Mr. Smelt soon joined us there; he was shocked at the accident; and I saw strongly by his manner how much more seriously such a matter was regarded, than any one, unused to the inside of a Court, could possibly imagine.

"IS IT PERMITTED?"

_Nov. 8._--This was the birth-day of the Princess Augusta, now eighteen.

I could not resist this opportunity of presenting her one of my fairings, though I had some little fear she might think herself past the age for receiving birth-day gifts, except from the royal family: however they had arrived so seemingly a propos, and had been so much approved by the queen, that I determined to make the attempt. I took one of the work-boxes, and wrote with a pencil, round the middle ornament, "Est-il permis?"--and then I sent for Miss Makentomb, the princess's wardrobe woman, and begged her to place the box upon her royal highness's table.

At the queen's dressing-time, as I opened the door, her majesty said, "O, here she is!--Est-il permis?--Come, come in to Augusta!" and made me follow her into the next room, the door of which was open, where the princess was seated at a writing-desk, probably answering some congratulatory letters.

Immediately, in a manner the most pleasing, she thanked me for the little cadeau, saying, "Only one thing I must beg, that you will write the motto with a pen."

The queen seconded this motion, smilingly repeating "Est-il permis?"

And afterwards, in the evening, the Princess Augusta came to the parlour, to fetch Mrs. Delany and Mrs. Smelt, and again said, "Now, will you, Miss Burney--will you write that for me with a pen?"