The Diary and Letters of Madame D'Arblay
Chapter 166 : On Easter Sunday, the 4th of April, when I left my beloved Susan at St. James's,

On Easter Sunday, the 4th of April, when I left my beloved Susan at St. James's, I left with her all spirit for any voluntary employment, and it occurred to me I could best while away the leisure allowed me by returning to my long-forgotten tragedy.

This I have done, in those moments as yet given to my journal, and it is well I had so sad a resource, since any merrier I must have aimed at in vain.

It was a year and four months since I had looked at or thought of it. I found nothing but unconnected speeches, and hints, and ideas, though enough in quant.i.ty, perhaps, for a whole play. I have now begun planning and methodising, and have written three or four regular scenes. I mention all these particulars of my progress, in answer to certain queries in the comments of my Susan and Fredy, both of old date.

Well (for that is my hack, as "however" is my dear Susanna's), we set off rather late for Windsor,-Mr. de Luc, Miss Planta, and myself; Mrs. Schwellenberg stayed in town. . . .

I invited my old beau, as her majesty calls Mr. Bryant, to dinner, and he made me my best day out of the ten days of our Windsor sojourn. He has insisted upon lending me some more books, all concerning the most distant parts of the earth, or on subjects the most abstruse. His singular simplicity in constantly conceiving that, because to him such books alone are new, they must have the same recommendation to me, is

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extremely amusing; and though I do all that is possible to clear up the distinction, he never remembers it.

The king, for which I was very sorry, did not come Into the room.

He made it but one visit, indeed, during this week. He then conversed almost wholly with General Grenville upon the affairs of France; and in a manner so unaffected, open and manly, so highly superior to all despotic principles, even while most condemning the unlicensed fury of the Parisian mob, that I wished all the nations of the world to have heard him, that they might have known the real existence of a patriot king.

Another reading took place, and much more comfortably; it was to the queen and princesses, without any lady-in-waiting. The queen, as before, condescended to order me to sit close to her side; and as I had no model before me, I scrupled much less to follow the bent of my own ideas by small occasional comments.

And these were of use both to body and mind; they rested the lungs from one invariable exertion, as much as they saved the mind from one strain of attention.

Our play was "The Man of Business," a very good comedy, but too local for long life. And another of Colman's which I read afterwards has the same defect. Half the follies and peculiarities it satirises are wholly at an end and forgotten.

Humour springing from mere dress, or habits, or phraseology, is quickly obsolete; when it sinks deeper, and dives into character, it may live for ever.

I dedicated my Wednesday evening to a very comfortable visit to our dear James, whose very good and deserving wife, and fine little fat children, with our Esther and her fair Marianne and f.a.n.n.y, all cordially conspired to make me happy. We read a good deal of Captain Bligh's interesting narrative,(327)

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every word Of which James has taken as much to heart as if it were his own production.

I go on, occasionally, with my tragedy. It does not much enliven, but it soothes me.

COLONEL MANNERS IN HIS SENATORIAL CAPACITY.

April 23.--I shall add nothing at present to my Journal but the summary of a conversation I have had with Colonel Manners, who, at our last excursion, was here without any other gentleman.

Knowing he likes to be considered as a senator, I thought the best subject for our discussion would be the House of Commons; I therefore made sundry political inquiries, so foreign to My Usual mode, that you would not a little have smiled to have heard them.

I had been informed he had once made an attempt to speak, during the Regency business, last winter ; I begged to know how the matter stood, and he made a most frank display of its whole circ.u.mstances. "Why, they were speaking away," he cried, "upon the Regency, and so,---and they were saying if the king could not reign, and recover; and Burke was making some of his eloquence, and talking; and, says he, 'hurled from his throne,'---and so I put out my finger in this manner, as if I was in a great pa.s.sion, for I felt myself very red, and I was in a monstrous pa.s.sion I suppose, but I was only going to say 'Hear! Hear!' but I happened to lean one hand down upon my knee, in this way, just as Mr. Pitt does when he wants to speak.- and I stooped forward, just as if I was going to rise up and begin but just then I caught Mr. Pitt's eye, looking at me so pitifully; he thought I was going to speak, and he was frightened to death, for he thought--for the thing was, he got up himself, and he said over all I wanted to say; and the thing is, he almost always does; for just as I have something particular to say, Mr. Pitt begins, and goes through it all, so that he don't leave anything more to be said about it; and so, I suppose, as he looked at me so pitifully, he thought I should say it first, or else that I

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should get into some sc.r.a.pe, because I was so warm and looking so red."

Any comment would disgrace this; I will therefore only tell you his opinion, in his own words, of one of our late taxes.

"There's only one tax, ma'am, that ever I voted for against my conscience, for I've always been very particular about that; but that is the bacheldor's tax, and that I hold to be very unconst.i.tutional, and I am very sorry I voted for it, because it's very unfair; for how can a man help being a bacheldor, if n.o.body will have him? and besides, it's not any fault to be taxed for, because We did not make ourselves bacheldors, for we were made so by G.o.d, for n.o.body was born married, and so I think it's a very unconst.i.tutional tax."

A CONVERSATION WITH MR. WINDHAM AT THE HASTINGS TRIAL.

April 27.-I had the happiness of my dearest Fredy's society in Westminster Hall--if happiness and that place may be named together.

The day was mixed: Evidence and Mr. Anstruther weighing it down, and Mr. Burke speaking from time to time, and lighting it up. O, were his purpose worthy his talents, what an effect would his oratory produce! I always hear him with so much concern, I can scarce rejoice even in being kept awake by him.

The day was nearly pa.s.sed, and I was eating a biscuit to prevent an absolute doze while Mr. Anstruther was talking, when, raising myself from a listening bend, I turned to the left, and perceived Mr. Windham, who had quietly placed himself by my side without speaking.

My surprise was so great, and so totally had I given up all idea of renewing our conferences, that I could scarce refrain expressing it. Probably it was visible enough, for he said, as if apologising for coming up, that so to do was the only regale their toils allowed them. He then regretted that it was a stupid day, and, with all his old civility about me and my time, declared he was always sorry to see me there when nothing worth attention was going forward.

This soon brought us round to our former intimacy of converse ; and, the moment I was able, I ventured at my usual inquiry about his own speaking, and if it would soon take place.

Page 353 "No," he answered, with a look of great pleasure, "I shall now not speak at all.--I have cleared myself from that task, and never with such satisfaction did I get rid of any!"

Amazed, yet internally glad, I hazarded some further inquiry into the reason of this change of plan.

They were drawing, he said, to a conclusion, and the particular charge which he had engaged himself to open was relinquished.(328) "I have therefore," he cried, "washed my hands of making a speech, yet satisfied my conscience, my honour, my promises, and my intentions; for I have declined undertaking anything new, and no claim therefore remains upon me."

"Well," quoth I, "I am at a loss whether to be glad or sorry."

He comprehended instantly,--glad for Mr. Hastings, or sorry for not hearing him. He laughed, but said something a little reproachful, upon my continued interest for that gentleman. I would not pretend it was diminished; I determined he should find me as frank as heretofore, and abscond, or abide, as his nerves stood the firmness.

"You are never, then" (I said afterwards), "to speak here?"

"Once," he answered, "I said a few words--"

"O when?" I cried; "I am very sorry I did not know it, and hear you,--as you did speak!"

"O," cried he, laughing, "I do not fear this flattery now, as I shall speak no more."

"But what," cried I, "was the occasion that drew you forth?"

"Nothing very material but I saw Burke run hard, and I wished to help him."

"That was just," cried I, "what I should have expected from you-- and just what I have not been able not to honour, on some other occasions, even where I have most blamed the matter that has drawn forth the a.s.sistance."

This was going pretty far:--he could not but instantly feel I meant the Regency discussions. He neither made me any answer, nor turned his head, even obliquely, my way.

I was not sorry, however. 'Tis always best to be sincere.

Finding him quite silent, to soften matters as well as I could with honesty, I began an eloge of Mr. Burke, both warm and true, as far as regards his wonderful abilities. But he soon

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distinguished the rigorous precision with which, Involuntarily, I praised the powers without adverting to their Use.

Suddenly then, and with a look of extreme keenness, he turned his eyes upon me, and exclaimed, "Yes,--and he has very highly, also the faculty of being right!" I would the friends.h.i.+p that dictated this a.s.sertion were as unwarped as it is animated.