More Toasts
Chapter 7 : "Gee, whiz! Isn't that Smithson who just went by in his automobile?When I knew

"Gee, whiz! Isn't that Smithson who just went by in his automobile?

When I knew him a few years ago he had a junk-shop."

"He still has. Only he moved in to a fas.h.i.+onable street and labeled the same stock 'Antiques.'"

CUSTOMER--"What! Five hundred dollars for that antique? Why, I priced it last week and you said three hundred and fifty."

DEALER--"Yes, I know; but the cost of labor and materials has gone up so!"

AD WRITER--"When do you want me to prepare that copy for the sale of antiques you have been planning?"

BOSS--"We'll have to hold back on those awhile. The wormhole borers are on strike in Grand Rapids."

APARTMENTS

MR. LONGSUFFER--"Say, janitor, it's down to zero in my flat."

JANITOR--"Down to zero, is it? That's nothing."

_Necessarily So_

"I wonder if they take children in these apartments."

"They must. Some of the rooms aren't big enough for a grown person."

"How do the Joneses seem to like their little two-room kitchenette apartment?"

"Oh, they have no room for complaint!"--_Judge_.

APPEARANCES

A man's appearance indicates how his business is prospering, and his wife's appearance shows how much he is spending.

In civilized society external advantages make us more respected. A man with a good coat upon his back meets with a better reception than he who has a bad one. You may a.n.a.lyze this and say, what is there in it? But that will avail you nothing, for it is a part of a general system.--_Johnson_.

A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows poor by seeming rich.--_Shenstone_.

Polished bra.s.s will pa.s.s upon more people than rough gold.

--_Chesterfield_.

In all professions every one affects a particular look and exterior, in order to appear what he wishes to be thought; so that it may be said the world's made up of appearances.--_La Rochefoucauld_.

APPEt.i.tE

"Josh," said Farmer Corntossel to his son, "I wish, if you don't mind, you'd eat off to yourself instead of with the summer boarders."

"Isn't my society good enough for them?"

"Your society is fine. But your appet.i.te sets a terrible example."

TEACHER--"You remember the story of Daniel in the lion's den, Robbie?"

ROBBIE--"Yes, ma'am."

TEACHER--"What lesson do we learn from it?"

ROBBIE--"That we shouldn't eat everything we see."

APPLAUSE

"You don't attach much importance to the applause an orator receives."

"Not much," admitted Senator Sorghum. "There is bound to be applause.

You can't expect an audience to sit still all evening and do absolutely nothing."

"The train pulled out before you had finished your speech."

"Yes," replied Senator Sorghum. "As I heard the shouts of the crowd fading in the distance I couldn't be sure whether they were applauding me or the engineer."

A slowness to applaud betrays a cold temper or an envious spirit.--_Hannah More_.