More Toasts
Chapter 47 : The teacher of a primary cla.s.s was trying to show the children the difference between

The teacher of a primary cla.s.s was trying to show the children the difference between the natural and man-made wonders, and was finding it hard.

"What," she asked, "do you think is the most wonderful thing man ever made?"

A little girl, whose parents were obviously hara.s.sed by the question of ways and means, replied as solemnly as the proverbial judge:

"A living for a family."

"Why don't you move into more comfortable quarters, old man?"

"I can't even pay the rent on this miserable hole."

"Well, since you don't pay rent, why not get something better?"

MRS. HOMESPUN--"What'll we contribute to the minister's donation-party?"

FARMER HOMESPUN--"Wal, I dunno, Hannar! Taters is 'way up, pork is 'way up, fowl is 'way up--we'll save money by giving him money."

A farmer, the other day, took a plowshare to the blacksmith's to be sharpened, and while the blacksmith worked the farmer chuckled and bragged about a sale of hogs he had just made.

"Them hogs was only eight months old," he said, "and none too fat, nuther; but I seen that the buyer was at his wits' end, and by skilful jugglin' I boosted up the price on him just 300 per cent. Yes, by gum, I got three times more for them hogs than I uster get before the war."

The plowshare being done, the farmer handed the smith 50 cents.

"Hold on," said the smith, "I charge $1.50 for that job now."

"You scandalous rascal!" yelled the farmer. "What do you mean by treblin' your price on me? What have you done it for?"

"I've done it," said the blacksmith, "so's I'll be able to eat some of that high-priced pork of yours this winter."

OLD DAME--"You've had two penn'orth of sweets, my little man, but you've only given me a penny."

THE LITTLE MAN--"Yes, but farver says one penny's got to do the work of two in war-time."--_Punch_.

"Of course you have your little theory about the cause of the high cost of living?"

"I have," replied Mr. Growcher: "too many people are trying to make political economy take the place of domestic economy."

HE--"Yes, I certainly like good food, and always look forward to the next meal."

SHE--"Why don't you talk of higher things once in a while?"

HE--"But, my dear, what is higher than food?"--_Life_.

A certain judge, after pa.s.sing sentence, always gave advice to prisoners. Having before him a man found guilty of stealing, he started thus:

"It you want to succeed in this world you must keep straight. Now, do you understand?"

"Well, not quite," said the prisoner; "but if your lords.h.i.+p will tell me how a man is to keep straight when he is trying to make boths ends meet, I might."

And another trouble with the country is that too many are trying to satisfy a bricklayer's appet.i.te on a school-teacher's salary.

SMALL BOY (much interested in shopman's reason for high price of eggs)--"But, mummy, how do the hens know we're at war with Germany?"--_Punch_.

"Don't you object to all this talk about the high cost of everything?"

"Not at all," replied the profiteer. "It prepares the mind of a customer for what he may expect and saves argument."

"How's this, waiter? You've charged me two dollars and a half for planked steak!"

"Sorry sir, but lumber's gone up again."

Our Government does not profess to live within its income, but only within ours.

"Farm products cost more than they used to."

"Yes," replied Mr. Corntossel. "When a farmer is supposed to know the botanical name of what he's raisin' an' the zoological name of the insect that eats it, and the chemical name of what will kill it, somebody's got to pay."

_Its Friendly Way_

"How are we to meet the high cost of living?"

"You don't have to meet it," answered the irritating person. "It overtakes you."

"What are the luxuries of life?"

"Things that were necessities two years ago."

A couple of Philadelphia youths, who had not met in a long while, met and fell to discussing their affairs in general.

"I understand," said one, "that you broke your engagement with Clarice Collines."

"No, I didn't break it."