More Toasts
Chapter 141 : "Yes, yes"-- "But she married a Frenchman"-- "Yes.""

"Yes, yes"--

"But she married a Frenchman"--

"Yes."

"In Italy."

"Yes; but where were you born?"

"I was born on a s.h.i.+p flying Spanish colors while she was lying at anchor in Honolulu Harbor, but my parents died in Brazil when I was only four years old and I was adopted by a Chinaman, who brought me up in Russia"--

"Well, he's"--began an official.

"He's a bloomin' League of Nations!" exploded the official who had first spoken.

NATURAL LAWS

CHARLIE--"What you say just goes in one ear and out the other."

JOHNNY--"Impossible!"

"Why?"

"Sound can't cross a vacuum, you know, old fellow."

"Say, dad, what keeps us from falling off the earth when we are upside down?"

"Why, the law of gravity, of course."

"Well, how did folks stay on before the law was pa.s.sed?"

NEGROES

Miss Annette Benton, on returning from a visit, brought a gift to each of her mother's colored servants. It was the "day out" for Lily, the housemaid, so Annette distributed her gifts, reserving for Lily a scarlet-silk blouse.

"That won't do," said Mrs. Benton. "Lily's in mourning."

"Mourning?"

"Yes, for her husband; he died in jail, and Lily's wearing a long c.r.a.pe veil."

When Lily returned, her young mistress expressed regret. "I'll give the blouse to Lizzie," she said, "and get you something else."

Lily looked at the blouse, then she swallowed. "Don't you give that blouse to no Lizzie, Miss Annette, cos nex' mont' I'se gwine outa mournin' from the waist up."--_Harper's_.

"G'wan, n.i.g.g.e.r, you-all ain't got no sense nohow."

"Ain't got no sense? Whut's dis yere haid for?"

"Dat thing? Dat ain't no haid, n.i.g.g.e.r; dat's jes er b.u.t.ton on top er yo body ter keep yer backbone from unravelin'."

OLD DARKY (to s.h.i.+ftless son)--"I hearn tell you is married. Is you?"

SON (ingratiatingly)--"I ain't sayin' I ain't."

OLD DARKY (severely)--"I ain't ask you is you ain't; I ask you ain't you is."

PARSON BLACK (sternly)--"Did you come by dat watehmelyun honestly, Bruddeh Bingy?"

THE MELON TOTER--"'Deed I did, pahson; ebry day fo' nigh on two weeks!"--_Puck_.

A Minneapolis laundress, a negro woman, patriotic supporter of the Red Cross, was among the thousands who witnessed a recent Red Cross parade in the Mill City in which fifteen thousand white-clad women partic.i.p.ated. In telling a Red Cross worker how she liked it, she said:

"Lawdy, missus, it suttinly was a gran' spectacle. Nevah in mah whole life did I see so much was.h.i.+n' at one time."

"Why is it, Sam, that one never hears of a darky committing suicide?"

inquired the Northerner.

"Well, you see, it's disaway, boss: When a white pusson has any trouble he sets down an' gits to studyin' 'bout it an' a-worryin'.

Then firs' thing you know he's done killed hisse'f. But when a n.i.g.g.e.r sets down to think 'bout his troubles, why, he jes' natcherly goes to sleep!"--_Life_.

"No, sah," said the aged colored man to the reporter who'd asked if he had ever seen President Lincoln. "Ah used to 'member seein' Ma.s.sa Link.u.m, but since Ah j'ined de church Ah doan 'member seein' him no mo'."

A Psychiatric Board was testing the mentality of a thick-lipped, weak-faced Negro soldier. Among other questions, the specialist asked, "Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking, or where the sound comes from?"

"Yes, suh," answered the negro.

"When does this occur?"

"When I'se talkin' over de telephone."

An Alabama darky, who prided himself on being able to play any tune on the banjo after he had heard it once, perched himself on the side of a hill one Sunday morning and began to pick the strings in a workman-like manner.