More Toasts
Chapter 202 : TELEPHONE The editor of The j.a.pan Times says the telephone service in j.a.pan is utt

TELEPHONE

The editor of The j.a.pan Times says the telephone service in j.a.pan is utterly bad. He wonders "what Job would have done had he lived in Tokyo and wanted to telephone to the specialist on boils." He concludes with the following incident: "A lady in Karuiwaza called up her house in Tokyo, left by the next train, got the call, and talked to herself in Karuiwaza six hours after she arrived in Tokyo."

A suburban housewife relates overhearing this conversation between her Cape girl and the one next door:

"How are you, Katje?"

"I'm well; I like my yob. We got cremated cellar, cemetery plumbing, elastic lights and a hoosit."

"What's a 'hoosit,' Katje?"

"Oh, a bell rings. You put a thing to your ear and say 'h.e.l.lo,' and then some one says 'h.e.l.lo,' and you say 'Hoosit.'"

"There's a story in this paper of a woman that used a telephone for the first time in eighty-three years."

"She must be on a party line."

The girl at the exchange, after you have waited fully ten minutes:

"They don't answer. What number was it you wanted?"

EXCITABLE PARTY (at telephone)--"h.e.l.lo? Who is this? Who is this, I say?"

MAN AT OTHER END--"Haven't got time to guess riddles. Tell me yourself who you are."

"I believe," said the impatient man, as he put aside the telephone, "that I'll go fis.h.i.+ng."

"Didn't know you cared for fis.h.i.+ng."

"I don't ordinarily. But it's the only chance I have of finding myself at the end of a line that isn't busy."

"Has the line been busy?" asked the man with a nickel poised between his thumb and forefinger.

"No," answered the precise operator. "The line wasn't busy. I was."

"What name are you calling?" asked the telephone-girl over the wire.

"McCohan," the customer answered.

"I beg pardon?" asked the girl.

The man repeated it.

The wire was silent for a moment, then the girl said: "Wait a moment, please. I think the wires are crossed."

"I once knew an eccentric man," stated old Festus Pester, "who when he had got the desired number on the telephone did not demand fiercely, 'Whizz ziss?' Instead he invariably said civilly, 'This is John J.

Poppend.i.c.k, wis.h.i.+ng to speak to Mr. Buckover.' His funeral was the largest ever held in the neighborhood where he had resided, and thereat strong men broke down and wept like children, being convinced that they would never again see his like."--_Judge_.

Pat walked into the post-office. After getting into the telephone-box he called a wrong number. As there was no such number, the switch-attendant did not answer him. Pat shouted again, but received no answer.

The lady of the post-office opened the door and told him to shout a little louder, which he did, but still no answer.

Again she said he would have to speak louder.

Pat got angry at this, and turning to the lady said:

"Begorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn't use your bloomin'

ould telephone at all!"

_See also_ Strategy.

TEMPER

Little Molly had been very trying all day. That evening, when her grown-up sister was putting her to bed, she said she hoped the child would be a better girl tomorrow, and not make everybody unhappy with her naughty temper.

Molly listened in silence, thought hard for a few moments, and then said, wisely:

"Yes, when it's me it's temper; when it's you it's nerves."

TEMPERANCE

THE MAN (to a New York waiter)--"--and a gla.s.s of good beer!"

THE WAITER--"Sorry, sir. We only serve temperance beverages."

THE MAN--"Why, I got beer in Rhode Island."