The Wit and Humor of America
Chapter 10 : XI Unto each man comes a day when his favorite sins all forsake him, And he complacentl

XI

Unto each man comes a day when his favorite sins all forsake him, And he complacently thinks he has forsaken his sins.

XII

Be not too anxious to gain your next-door neighbor's approval: Live your own life, and let him strive your approval to gain.

XIII

Who would succeed in the world should be wise in the use of his p.r.o.nouns.

Utter the You twenty times, where you once utter the I.

XIV

The best-loved man or maid in the town would perish with anguish Could they hear all that their friends say in the course of a day.

XV

True luck consists not in holding the best of the cards at the table: Luckiest he who knows just when to rise and go home.

XVI

Pleasant enough it is to hear the world speak of your virtues; But in your secret heart 'tis of your faults you are proud.

XVII

Try not to beat back the current, yet be not drowned in its waters; Speak with the speech of the world, think with the thoughts of the few.

XVIII

Make all good men your well-wishers, and then, in the years' steady sifting, Some of them turn into friends. Friends are the suns.h.i.+ne of life.

THE QUARREL

BY S.E. KISER

"There are quite as good fish In the sea As any one ever has caught,"

Said he.

"But few of the fish-- In the sea Will bite at such bait as you've got,"

Said she.

To-day he is gray, and his line's put away, But he often looks back with regret; She's still "in the sea," and how happy she'd be If he were a fisherman yet!

A LETTER FROM MR. BIGGS

BY E.W. HOWE

MY DEAR SIR--Occasionally a gem occurs to me which I am unable to favor you with because of late we are not much together. Appreciating the keen delight with which you have been kind enough to receive my philosophy, I take the liberty of sending herewith a number of ideas which may please and benefit you, and which I have divided into paragraphs with headings.

HAPPINESS

I have observed that happiness and brains seldom go together. The pin-headed woman who regards her thin-witted husband as the greatest man in the world, is happy, and much good may it do her. In such cases ignorance is a positive blessing, for good sense would cause the woman to realize her distressed condition. A man who can think he is as "good as anybody" is happy. The fact may be notorious that the man is not so "good as anybody" until he is as industrious, as educated, and as refined as anybody, but he has not brains enough to know this, and, content with conceit, is happy. A man with a brain large enough to understand mankind is always wretched and ashamed of himself.

REPUTATION

Reputation is not always desirable. The only thing I have ever heard said in Twin Mounds concerning Smoky Hill is that good hired girls may be had there.

WOMEN

1. Most women seem to love for no other reason than that it is expected of them.

2. I know too much about women to honor them more than they deserve; in fact I know all about them. I visited a place once where doctors are made, and saw them cut up one.

3. A woman loses her power when she allows a man to find out all there is to her; I mean by this that familiarity breeds contempt. I knew a young man once who worked beside a woman in an office, and he never married.

4. If men would only tell what they actually know about women, instead of what they believe or hear, they would receive more credit for chast.i.ty than is now the case, for they deserve more.

LACK OF SELF-CONFIDENCE

As a people we lack self-confidence. The country is full of men that will readily talk you to death privately, who would run away in alarm if asked to preside at a public meeting. In my Alliance movement I often have trouble in getting out a crowd, every farmer in the neighborhood feeling of so much importance as to fear that if he attends he will be called upon to say something.

IN DISPUTE

In some communities where I have lived the women were mean to their husbands; in others, the husbands were mean to their wives. It is usually the case that the friends of a wife believe her husband to be a brute, and the friends of the husband believe the wife to possess no other talent than to make him miserable. You can't tell how it is; the evidence is divided.

MAN

There is only one grade of men; they are all contemptible. The judge may seem to be a superior creature so long as he keeps at a distance, for I have never known one who was not constantly trying to look wise and grave; but when you know him, you find there is nothing remarkable about him except a plug hat, a respectable coat, and a great deal of vanity, induced by the servility of those who expect favors.