Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays
Chapter 46 : TOWNSMAN [_sternly_]. Brandy is not for children. You'll drink coffee.TOWNSWOMAN.

TOWNSMAN [_sternly_]. Brandy is not for children. You'll drink coffee.

TOWNSWOMAN. Who says brandy is not for children? You get the most foolish ideas in your head. Hush, hush, my baby, you shall have some brandy.

AMERICAN. They ought to offer a medal for the murder of certain kinds of wives.

BEGGAR. Oh! [_Whimpering._] Oh, what a life I lead! What a life!

A MAN [_feeding sugar to the dog_].

BEGGAR. I wish I were dead. Why did they pull me out? I want to die.

What does life mean to me? What joy is there in life for me?

ARTIST. There will be less joy for you in death. [_Laughter._]

BEGGAR. If I were only young. If I only had my two strong arms again. I never dreamed I would come to this. I never would have believed it--Forty years ago I was a workingman, yes, forty years until an accident--

WORKINGMAN. Were you a Union man, brother?

BEGGAR. Certainly--certainly. [_Guardedly._] That is, I wasn't exactly a Union man but--

WORKINGMAN. What! Not a Union man. [_Rushes at him._]

TOWNSMAN. What do you want to do to that poor man?

WORKINGMAN. Throw him back in the river. [_He is held back._]

BEGGAR. Forty years I worked at the machine--and now I have nothing to show for it but diseased lungs.

TOWNSWOMAN [_decisively_]. Aristide, we are going home. Tuberculosis is contagious.

WORKINGMAN. That's capital for you. The capitalist sucks the workingman dry and then turns him out on the streets to starve. But we, the people, shall have our day. When first the uprising of the ma.s.ses--

AMERICAN. Oh, don't make a speech.

BEGGAR [_whining_]. And my military medal is gone. I must have lost it in the water. You can still see the saber wound on my arm.

YOUNG MAN. Thus the Fatherland repays its valiant sons.

BEGGAR. n.o.body knows what I suffered for France. Twenty years I served in the foreign legion.

AMERICAN. This fellow ought to be celebrating his two hundredth birthday soon.

BEGGAR. O G.o.d--my poor wife--my poor children--the youngest is just four months old--

COCOTTE. Poor soul, here are two francs for you. [_Other people take out their purses._]

BEGGAR. G.o.d bless you mademoiselle. [_Holds out his hat for the other alms._]

[_During the excitement the Beggar pa.s.ses through the crowd begging and singing._]

BEGGAR.

The rich man in his banquet hall, Has everything I long for.

The poor man gets the crumbs that fall, That's what I sing this song for.

Help a poor man, sir.

AMERICAN [_cries out in sudden alarm._] My dog! My Molly! She has jumped into the river! [_The crowd is still and listening to him._] She will drown! [_Runs to the edge of the dock._] There she is--swimming. Oh, my Molly! She cost me eighty dollars. [_Desperately._] A hundred dollars to the man that saves my dog. A hundred dollars.

A MAN. Do you mean that?

AMERICAN [_deaf to everything but his anxiety_]. A hundred dollars.

Here, I'll put it up with the Waiter--a hundred dollars for my poor dog.

VOICES IN THE CROWD. A hundred dollars! Five hundred francs!

[_The Crowd moves, pus.h.i.+ng and gesticulating to the water's edge.

One by one they jump into the Seine with a great splas.h.i.+ng. Only the American, the Young Man, the Cocotte and the Beggar remain._]

AMERICAN. My poor Molly! She loved me like a son! Where is that pole?

[_Gets pole and thrusts with it in the water._]

A VOICE. Hey! Oh! My head!

AMERICAN [_beside himself_]. There--over there--the poor dog never had a swimming lesson. [_Sees the Young Man._] What are you standing there for? You with your precious neighborly love! A hundred and fifty dollars for my dog! Jump in! Here is a deposit. [_Pushes money in his hand._]

YOUNG MAN [_makes ready to jump, but stops at the edge and turns around_]. No! For a dog? Never!

AMERICAN. It was a thoroughbred dog. Jump! I'll give you two hundred--I'll take you back to the U. S. A. with me--I'll pay for your musical education--anything--if you save my dog.

YOUNG MAN. Will you really pay for my musical education if I save your dog?

AMERICAN [_on knees by wall_]. Every instrument there is--piano, piccolo, cornet, ba.s.s drum--only jump!--jump!

YOUNG MAN [_upon wall throws a farewell kiss to the Cocotte, takes a heroic posture_]. With G.o.d! [_Makes a perfect dive into the river._]

AMERICAN [_at the end of the dock, brokenly_]. Poor Molly! [_Dries his eyes with handkerchief._] I'll endow a home for poor Parisians if she is brought back to me alive. [_To the Cocotte._] Oh, dear lady, I don't know whether I shall be able to meet you to-morrow at the Avenue de l'Opera. I have had a bereavement. [_Comes down to the pavement._] I must telephone to the lifeguard station. [_Exits into the cafe._] Poor Molly! All the insurance I carried on her is three thousand dollars.

[_Exit with Artist into cafe, Right._] [_There is a brief pause._]

BEGGAR [_angrily_]. d.a.m.n his heart; the dog tender! I hope he drowns himself. Just as I was doing the best business in weeks that d.a.m.n dog had to spoil everything. The scabby beast.

COCOTTE. How often have I asked you not to use those vulgar expressions.

BEGGAR. What! Is that how a daughter should speak to her father? You shameless wench! I'll teach you. I'll be lame again hereafter. For when I am lame I carry a stick and a stick is a good thing to have in your hand to teach a daughter respect. Ten francs; you know for the picture.

[_While he speaks he is taking off his coat and vest, showing a cork life belt beneath._] That suicide trick is getting played out anyhow--hardly 50 francs--and I had to pay 20 for the place. Come my daughter, we will go home. [_Calls._] Waiter--Waiter!

COCOTTE. He doesn't hear you, papa--Waiter if you don't come at once we shall go without paying. [_The Waiter enters with hat wet._]

BEGGAR [_slips him a gold piece_]. Waiter, call a taxicab.