Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays
Chapter 122 : UNKNOWN MAN [_aloud_]. Take that jacka.s.s away to the devil. He wants to shoot me. An

UNKNOWN MAN [_aloud_]. Take that jacka.s.s away to the devil. He wants to shoot me. And tell the boss that I can't stand it any longer.

VOICES. What's that? What boss? He is losing his mind, the poor man.

TOURIST. Aleck! Mary! This is a mad scene. Jimmie, you remember Hamlet?

Quick.

UNKNOWN MAN [_angrily_]. Tell him my spinal column is broken.

MARY [_wearily_]. Papa, children, he's beginning to kick with his legs.

KATE. Is that what is called convulsions, papa?

TOURIST [_rapturously_]. I don't know. I think it is. What a tragedy?

ALECK [_glumly_]. You fool! You keep cramming and cramming and you don't know that the right name for that is agony. And you wear eyegla.s.ses, too. I can't bear it any longer, papa.

TOURIST. Think of it, children. A man is about to fall down to his death and he is bothering about his spinal column.

[_There is a noise. A man in a white vest, very much frightened, enters, almost dragged by angry tourists. He smiles, bows on all sides, stretches out his arms, now running forward as he is pushed, now trying to escape in the crowd, but is seized and pulled again._]

VOICES. A bare-faced deception! It is an outrage. Policeman, policeman, he must be taught a lesson!

OTHER VOICES. What is it? What deception? What is it all about? They have caught a thief!

THE MAN IN THE WHITE VEST [_bowing and smiling_]. It's a joke, ladies and gentlemen, a joke, that's all. The people were bored, so I wanted to provide a little amus.e.m.e.nt for them.

UNKNOWN MAN [_angrily_]. Boss!

THE MAN IN THE WHITE VEST. Wait a while, wait a while.

UNKNOWN MAN. Do you expect me to stay here until the Second Advent? The agreement was till twelve o'clock. What time is it now?

TALL TOURIST [_indignantly_]. Do you hear, ladies and gentlemen? This scoundrel, this man here in the white vest hired that other scoundrel up there and just simply tied him to the rock.

VOICES. Is he tied?

TALL TOURIST. Yes, he is tied and he can't fall. We are excited and worrying, but he couldn't fall even if he tried.

UNKNOWN MAN. What else do you want? Do you think I am going to break my neck for your measly ten dollars? Boss, I can't stand it any more. One man wanted to shoot me. The pastor preached me for two hours. This is not in the agreement.

ALECK. Father, I told you that Baedeker lies. You believe everything anybody tells you and drag us about without eating.

MAN IN THE WHITE VEST. The people were bored. My only desire was to amuse the people.

MILITARY WOMAN. What is the matter? I don't understand a thing. Why isn't he going to fall? Who, then, is going to fall?

TOURIST. I don't understand a thing either. Of course he's got to fall!

JAMES. You never understand anything, father. Weren't you told that he's tied to the rock?

ALECK. You can't convince him. He loves every Baedeker more than his own children.

JAMES. A nice father!

TOURIST. Silence!

MILITARY WOMAN. What is the matter? He must fall.

TALL TOURIST. The idea! What a deception. You'll have to explain this.

MAN IN THE WHITE VEST. The people were bored. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, but wis.h.i.+ng to accommodate you--give you a few hours of pleasant excitement--elevate your spirits--inspire you with altruistic sentiments--

ENGLISHMAN. Is the cafe yours?

MAN IN THE WHITE VEST. Yes.

ENGLISHMAN. And is the hotel below also yours?

GENTLEMAN. Yes. The people were bored--

CORRESPONDENT [_writing_]. The proprietor of the cafe, desiring to increase his profits from the sale of alcoholic beverages, exploits the best human sentiments.--The people's indignation--

UNKNOWN MAN [_angrily_]. Boss, will you have me taken off at once or won't you?

HOTEL KEEPER. What do you want up there? Aren't you satisfied? Didn't I have you taken off at night?

UNKNOWN MAN. Well, I should say so. You think I'd be hanging here nights, too!

HOTEL OWNER. Then you can stand it a few minutes longer. The people are bored--

TALL TOURIST. Say, have you any idea of what you have done? Do you realize the enormity of it? You are scoundrels, who for your own sordid personal ends have impiously exploited the finest human sentiment, love of one's neighbor. You have caused us to undergo fear and suffering. You have poisoned our hearts with pity. And now, what is the upshot of it all? The upshot is that this scamp, your vile accomplice, is bound to the rock and not only will he not fall as everybody expects, but he _can't_.

MILITARY WOMAN. What is the matter? He has got to fall.

TOURIST. Policeman! Policeman!

[_The pastor enters, out of breath._]

PASTOR. What? Is he still living? Oh, there he is! What fakirs those Salvationists are.

VOICES. Don't you know that he is bound?

PASTOR. Bound! Bound to what? To life? Well, we are all bound to life until death snaps the cord. But whether he is bound or not bound, I reconciled him with heaven, and that's enough. But those fakirs--

TOURIST. Policeman! Policeman, you must draw up an official report.

There is no way out of it.

MILITARY WOMAN [_going for the hotel owner_]. I will not allow myself to be fooled. I saw an aeronaut drop from the clouds and go crash upon a roof. I saw a tiger tear a woman to pieces--