Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays
Chapter 246 : HELENA'S HUSBAND AN HISTORICAL COMEDY BY PHILIP MOELLER [_SCENE is that archaeolo

HELENA'S HUSBAND

AN HISTORICAL COMEDY BY PHILIP MOELLER

[_SCENE is that archaeological mystery, a Greek interior. A door on the right leads to the King's library, one on the left to the apartment of the Queen. Back right is the main entrance leading to the palace. Next this, running the full length of the wall, is a window with a platform, built out over the main court. Beyond is a view of hills bright with lemon groves, and in the far distance s.h.i.+mmers the sea. On the wall near the Queen's room hangs an old s.h.i.+eld rusty with disuse. A bust of Zeus stands on a pedestal against the right wall. There are low coffers about the room from which hang the ends of vivid colored robes. The scene is bathed in intense sunlight. Tsumu is ma.s.saging the Queen._]

HELENA. There's no doubt about it.

TSUMU. a.n.a.lytikos says there is much doubt about all things.

HELENA. Never mind what he says. I envy you your complexion.

TSUMU [_falling prostrate before Helena_]. Whom the Queen envies should beware.

HELENA [_annoyed_]. Get up, Tsumu. You make me nervous tumbling about like that.

TSUMU [_still on floor_]. Why does the great Queen envy Tsumu?

HELENA. Get up, you silly. [_She kicks her._] I envy you because you can run about and never worry about getting sunburnt.

TSUMU [_on her knees_]. The radiant beauty of the Queen is unspoilable.

HELENA. That's just what's worrying me, Tsumu. When beauty is so perfect the slightest jar may mean a jolt. [_She goes over and looks at her reflection in the s.h.i.+eld._] I can't see myself as well as I would like to. The King's s.h.i.+eld is tarnished. Menelaus has been too long out of battle.

TSUMU [_handing her a hand mirror_]. The G.o.ds will keep Sparta free from strife.

HELENA. I'll have you beaten if you a.s.sume that prophetic tone with me.

There's one thing I can't stand, and that's a know-all.

[_Flinging the hand mirror to the floor._]

TSUMU [_in alarm_]. G.o.ds grant you haven't bent it.

HELENA. These little mirrors are useless. His s.h.i.+eld is the only thing in which I can see myself full-length. If he only went to war, he'd have to have it cleaned.

TSUMU [_putting the mirror on a table near the Queen_]. The King is a lover of peace.

HELENA. The King is a lover of comfort. Have you noticed that he spends more time than he used to in the library?

TSUMU. He is busy with questions of State.

HELENA. You know perfectly well that when anything's the matter with the Government it's always straightened out at the other end of the palace.

Finish my shoulder. [_She examines her arm._] I doubt if there is a finer skin than this in Sparta.

[_Tsumu begins to ma.s.sage the Queen's shoulder._]

HELENA [_taking up a mirror_]. That touch of deep carmine right here in the center of my lips was quite an idea.

TSUMU [_busily pounding the Queen_]. An inspiration of the G.o.ds!

HELENA. The G.o.ds have nothing to do with it. I copied it from a low woman I saw at the circus. I can't understand how these bad women have such good ideas.

[_Helen twists about._]

TSUMU. If your majesty doesn't sit still, I may pinch you.

HELENA [_boxing her ears_]. None of your tricks, you ebony fiend!

TSUMU [_crouching_]. Descendant of paradise, forgive me.

HELENA. If you bruise my perfect flesh, the King will kill you. My beauty is his religion. He can sit for hours, as if at prayer, just examining the arch of my foot. Tsumu, you may kiss my foot.

TSUMU [_prostrate_]. May the G.o.ds make me worthy of your kindness!

HELENA. That's enough. Tsumu, are you married?

TSUMU [_getting up_]. I've been so busy having babies I never had time to get married.

HELENA. It's a great disillusionment.

TSUMU [_agast_]. What!

HELENA. I'm not complaining. Moo Moo is the best of husbands, but sometimes being adored too much is trying. [_She sighs deeply._] I think I'll wear my heliotrope this afternoon.

[_A trumpet sounds below in the courtyard. Tsumu goes to the window._]

TSUMU. They are changing the guards at the gates of the palace. It's almost time for your bath.

[_She begins sc.r.a.ping the ma.s.sage ointment back into the box._]

HELENA. You're as careful with that ointment as Moo Moo is with me.

TSUMU. Precious things need precious guarding.

HELENA. It's very short-sighted on Moo Moo's part to send everybody to the galleys who dares lift a head when I pa.s.s by--and all these nice-looking soldiers! Why--the only men I ever see besides Moo Moo are a.n.a.lytikos and a lot of useless eunuchs.

TSUMU. Oh, those eunuchs!

HELENA [_as she sits dreaming_]. I wish, I wish--

[_She stops short._]

TSUMU. You have but to speak your desire to the King.

HELENA [_shocked_]. Tsumu! How can you think of such a thing? I'm not a bad woman.