The Spectator
Chapter 62 : No. 78. Wednesday, May 30, 1711. Steele.c.u.m Talis sis, Utinam noster esses!The follow

No. 78. Wednesday, May 30, 1711. Steele.

c.u.m Talis sis, Utinam noster esses!

The following Letters are so pleasant, that I doubt not but the Reader will be as much diverted with them as I was. I have nothing to do in this Day's Entertainment, but taking the Sentence from the End of the _Cambridge_ Letter, and placing it at the Front of my Paper; to shew the Author I wish him my Companion with as much Earnestness as he invites me to be his.

SIR,

'I Send you the inclosed, to be inserted (if you think them worthy of it) in your SPECTATORS; in which so surprizing a Genius appears, that it is no Wonder if all Mankind endeavours to get somewhat into a Paper which will always live.

As to the _Cambridge_ Affair, the Humour was really carried on in the Way I described it. However, you have a full Commission to put out or in, and to do whatever you think fit with it. I have already had the Satisfaction of seeing you take that Liberty with some things I have before sent you. [1]

'Go on, Sir, and prosper. You have the best Wishes of

_SIR, Your very Affectionate, and Obliged Humble Servant._'

_Cambridge_.

_Mr, SPECTATOR_,

'You well know it is of great Consequence to clear t.i.tles, and it is of Importance that it be done in the proper Season; On which Account this is to a.s.sure you, that the CLUB OF UGLY FACES was inst.i.tuted originally at _CAMBRIDGE_ in the merry Reign of King _Charles_ II. As in great Bodies of Men it is not difficult to find Members enough for such a Club, so (I remember) it was then feared, upon their Intention of dining together, that the Hall belonging to _CLAREHALL_, (the ugliest _then_ in the Town, tho' _now_ the neatest) would not be large enough HANDSOMELY to hold the Company. Invitations were made to great Numbers, but very few accepted them without much Difficulty. ONE pleaded that being at _London_ in a Bookseller's Shop, a Lady going by with a great Belly longed to kiss him. HE had certainly been excused, but that Evidence appeared, That indeed one in _London_ did pretend she longed to kiss him, but that it was only a _Pickpocket_, who during his kissing her stole away all his Money. ANOTHER would have got off by a Dimple in his Chin; but it was proved upon _him_, that he had, by coming into a Room, made a Woman miscarry, and frightened two Children into Fits. A THIRD alledged, That he was taken by a Lady for another Gentleman, who was one of the handsomest in the University; But upon Enquiry it was found that the Lady had actually lost one Eye, and the other was very much upon the Decline. A FOURTH produced Letters out of the Country in his Vindication, in which a Gentleman offered him his Daughter, who had lately fallen in Love with him, with a good Fortune: But it was made appear that the young Lady was amorous, and had like to have run away with her Father's Coachman, so that it was supposed, that her Pretence of falling in Love with him was only in order to be well married. It was pleasant to hear the several Excuses which were made, insomuch that some made as much Interest to be excused as they would from serving Sheriff; however at last the Society was formed, and proper Officers were appointed; and the Day was fix'd for the Entertainment, which was in _Venison Season_. A pleasant _Fellow of King's College_ (commonly called CRAB from his sour Look, and the only Man who did not pretend to get off) was nominated for Chaplain; and nothing was wanting but some one to sit in the Elbow-Chair, by way of PRESIDENT, at the upper end of the Table; and there the Business stuck, for there was no Contention for Superiority _there_. This Affair made so great a Noise, that the King, who was then at _Newmarket_, heard of it, and was pleased merrily and graciously to say, HE COULD NOT BE THERE HIMSELF, BUT HE WOULD SEND THEM A BRACE OF BUCKS.

I would desire you, Sir, to set this Affair in a true Light, that Posterity may not be misled in so important a Point: For when _the wise Man who shall write your true History_ shall acquaint the World, That you had a DIPLOMA sent from the _Ugly Club at OXFORD_, and that by vertue of it you were admitted into it, what a learned Work will there be among _future Criticks_ about the Original of that Club, which both Universities will contend so warmly for? And perhaps some hardy _Cantabrigian_ Author may then boldly affirm, that the Word _OXFORD_ was an interpolation of some _Oxonian_ instead of _CAMBRIDGE_. This Affair will be best adjusted in your Life-time; but I hope your Affection to your MOTHER will not make you partial to your AUNT.

To tell you, Sir, my own Opinion: Tho' I cannot find any ancient Records of any Acts of the SOCIETY OF THE UGLY FACES, considered in a _publick_ Capacity; yet in a _private_ one they have certainly Antiquity on their Side. I am perswaded they will hardly give Place to the LOWNGERS, and the LOWNGERS are of the same Standing with the University itself.

Tho' we well know, Sir, you want no Motives to do Justice, yet I am commission'd to tell you, that you are invited to be admitted _ad eundem_ at _CAMBRIDGE_; and I believe I may venture safely to deliver this as the Wish of our Whole University.'

_To Mr_. SPECTATOR.

_The humble Pet.i.tion of WHO and WHICH_.

Sheweth,

'THAT your Pet.i.tioners being in a forlorn and dest.i.tute Condition, know not to whom we should apply ourselves for Relief, because there is hardly any Man alive who hath not injured us. Nay, we speak it with Sorrow, even You your self, whom we should suspect of such a Practice the last of all Mankind, can hardly acquit your self of having given us some Cause of Complaint. We are descended of ancient Families, and kept up our Dignity and Honour many Years, till the Jack-sprat THAT supplanted us. How often have we found ourselves slighted by the Clergy in their Pulpits, and the Lawyers at the Bar? Nay, how often have we heard in one of the most polite and august a.s.semblies in the Universe, to our great Mortification, these Words, _That THAT that n.o.ble Lord urged_; which if one of us had had Justice done, would have sounded n.o.bler thus, _That WHICH that n.o.ble Lord urged_. Senates themselves, the Guardians of _British_ Liberty, have degraded us, and preferred THAT to us; and yet no Decree was ever given against us. In the very Acts of Parliament, in which the utmost Right should be done to every _Body_, _WORD_ and _Thing_, we find our selves often either not used, or used one instead of another. In the first and best Prayer Children are taught, they learn to misuse us: _Our_ _Father WHICH art in Heaven_, should be, _Our Father WHO_ _art in Heaven_; and even a CONVOCATION after long Debates, refused to consent to an Alteration of it. In our _general Confession_ we say,--_Spare thou them, O G.o.d, WHICH confess their Faults_, which ought to be, _WHO confess their Faults_. What Hopes then have we of having Justice done so, when the Makers of our very Prayers and Laws, and the most learned in all Faculties, seem to be in a Confederacy against us, and our Enemies themselves must be our Judges.'

The _Spanish_ Proverb says, _Il sabio muda consejo, il necio no_; i.

e. _A wise Man changes his Mind, a Fool never will_. So that we think You, Sir, a very proper Person to address to, since we know you to be capable of being convinced, and changing your Judgment. You are well able to settle this Affair, and to you we submit our Cause. We desire you to a.s.sign the b.u.t.ts and Bounds of each of us; and that for the future we may both enjoy our own. We would desire to be heard by our Counsel, but that we fear in their very Pleadings they would betray our Cause: Besides, we have been oppressed so many Years, that we can appear no other way, but _in forma pauperis_. All which considered, we hope you will be pleased to do that which to Right and Justice shall appertain.

_And your Pet.i.tioners, &c_.

R.

[Footnote 1: This letter is probably by Laurence Eusden, and the preceding letter by the same hand would be the account of the Loungers in No. 54. Laurence Eusden, son of Dr. Eusden, Rector of Spalsworth, in Yorks.h.i.+re, was educated at Trinity College, Cambridge, took orders, and became Chaplain to Lord Willoughby de Broke. He obtained the patronage of Lord Halifax by a Latin version of his Lords.h.i.+p's poem on the Battle of the Boyne, in 1718. By the influence of the Duke of Newcastle, then Lord Chamberlain, he was made Poet-laureate, upon the death of Rowe.

Eusden died, rector of Conington, Lincolns.h.i.+re, in 1730, and his death was hastened by intemperance. Of the laurel left for Cibber Pope wrote in the Dunciad,

_Know, Eusden thirsts no more for sack or praise; He sleeps among the dull of ancient days._]

No. 79. Thursday, May 31, 1711. Steele.

'Oderunt peccare boni virtutis amore.'

Hor.

I have received very many Letters of late from my Female Correspondents, most of whom are very angry with me for Abridging their Pleasures, and looking severely upon Things, in themselves, indifferent. But I think they are extremely Unjust to me in this Imputation: All that I contend for is, that those Excellencies, which are to be regarded but in the second Place, should not precede more weighty Considerations. The Heart of Man deceives him in spite of the Lectures of half a Life spent in Discourses on the Subjection of Pa.s.sion; and I do not know why one may not think the Heart of Woman as Unfaithful to itself. If we grant an Equality in the Faculties of both s.e.xes, the Minds of Women are less cultivated with Precepts, and consequently may, without Disrespect to them, be accounted more liable to Illusion in Cases wherein natural Inclination is out of the Interests of Virtue. I shall take up my present Time in commenting upon a Billet or two which came from Ladies, and from thence leave the Reader to judge whether I am in the right or not, in thinking it is possible Fine Women may be mistaken.

The following Address seems to have no other Design in it, but to tell me the Writer will do what she pleases for all me.

Mr. SPECTATOR,

'I am Young, and very much inclin'd to follow the Paths of Innocence: but at the same time, as I have a plentiful Fortune, and of Quality, I am unwilling to resign the Pleasures of Distinction, some little Satisfaction in being Admired in general, and much greater in being beloved by a Gentleman, whom I design to make my Husband. But I have a mind to put off entering into Matrimony till another Winter is over my Head, which, (whatever, musty Sir, you may think of the Matter) I design to pa.s.s away in hearing Music, going to Plays, Visiting, and all other Satisfactions which Fortune and Youth, protected by Innocence and Virtue, can procure for,'

SIR,

_Your most humble Servant_,

M. T.

'My Lover does not know I like him, therefore having no Engagements upon me, I think to stay and know whether I may not like any one else better.'

I have heard WILL. HONEYCOMB say,