The Spectator
Chapter 69 : Philo-Britannicus This honest Gentleman, who is so desirous that I should write a Satyr

Philo-Britannicus

This honest Gentleman, who is so desirous that I should write a Satyr upon Grooms, has a great deal of Reason for his Resentment; and I know no Evil which touches all Mankind so much as this of the Misbehaviour of Servants.

The Complaint of this Letter runs wholly upon Men-Servants; and I can attribute the Licentiousness which has at present prevailed among them, to nothing but what an hundred before me have ascribed it to, The Custom of giving Board-Wages: This one Instance of false Oeconomy is sufficient to debauch the whole Nation of Servants, and makes them as it were but for some part of their Time in that Quality. They are either attending in Places where they meet and run into Clubs, or else, if they wait at Taverns, they eat after their Masters, and reserve their Wages for other Occasions. From hence it arises, that they are but in a lower Degree what their Masters themselves are; and usually affect an Imitation of their Manners: And you have in Liveries, Beaux, Fops, and c.o.xcombs, in as high Perfection as among People that keep Equipages. It is a common Humour among the Retinue of People of Quality, when they are in their Revels, that is when they are out of their Masters Sight, to a.s.sume in a humourous Way the Names and t.i.tles of those whose Liveries they wear. By which means Characters and Distinctions become so familiar to them, that it is to this, among other Causes, one may impute a certain Insolence among our Servants, that they take no Notice of any Gentleman though they know him ever so well, except he is an Acquaintance of their Master's.

My Obscurity and Taciturnity leave me at Liberty, without Scandal, to dine, if I think fit, at a common Ordinary, in the meanest as well as the most sumptuous House of Entertainment. Falling in the other Day at a Victualling-House near the House of Peers, I heard the Maid come down and tell the Landlady at the Bar, That my Lord Bishop swore he would throw her out [at [1]] Window, if she did not bring up more Mild Beer, and that my Lord Duke would have a double Mug of Purle. My Surprize was encreased, in hearing loud and rustick Voices speak and answer to each other upon the publick Affairs, by the Names of the most Ill.u.s.trious of our n.o.bility; till of a sudden one came running in, and cry'd the House was rising. Down came all the Company together, and away! The Alehouse was immediately filled with Clamour, and scoring one Mug to the Marquis of such a Place, Oyl and Vinegar to such an Earl, three Quarts to my new Lord for wetting his t.i.tle, and so forth. It is a Thing too notorious to mention the Crowds of Servants, and their Insolence, near the Courts of Justice, and the Stairs towards the Supreme a.s.sembly, where there is an universal Mockery of all Order, such riotous Clamour and licentious Confusion, that one would think the whole Nation lived in Jest, and there were no such thing as Rule and Distinction among us.

The next Place of Resort, wherein the servile World are let loose, is at the Entrance of _Hide-Park_, while the Gentry are at the Ring. Hither People bring their Lacqueys out of State, and here it is that all they say at their Tables, and act in their Houses, is communicated to the whole Town. There are Men of Wit in all Conditions of Life; and mixing with these People at their Diversions, I have heard Coquets and Prudes as well rallied, and Insolence and Pride exposed, (allowing for their want of Education) with as much Humour and good Sense, as in the politest Companies. It is a general Observation, That all Dependants run in some measure into the Manners and Behaviour of those whom they serve: You shall frequently meet with Lovers and Men of Intrigue among the Lacqueys, as well as at _White's_ [2] or in the Side-Boxes. I remember some Years ago an Instance of this Kind. A Footman to a Captain of the Guard used frequently, when his Master was out of the Way, to carry on Amours and make a.s.signations in his Master's Cloaths. The Fellow had a very good Person, and there are very many Women that think no further than the Outside of a Gentleman: besides which, he was almost as learned a Man as the Colonel himself: I say, thus qualified, the Fellow could scrawl _Billets-doux_ so well, and furnish a Conversation on the common Topicks, that he had, as they call it, a great deal of good Business on his Hands. It happened one Day, that coming down a Tavern-Stairs in his Master's fine Guard-Coat, with a well-dress'd Woman masked, he met the Colonel coming up with other Company; but with a ready a.s.surance he quitted his Lady, came up to him, and said, _Sir, I know you have too much Respect for yourself to cane me in this honourable Habit: But you see there is a Lady in the Case, and I hope on that Score also you will put off your Anger till I have told you all another time._ After a little Pause the Colonel cleared up his Countenance, and with an Air of Familiarity whispered his Man apart, _Sirrah, bring the Lady with you to ask Pardon for you;_ then aloud, _Look to it_, Will, _I'll never forgive you else._ The Fellow went back to his Mistress, and telling her with a loud Voice and an Oath, That was the honestest Fellow in the World, convey'd her to an Hackney-Coach.

But the many Irregularities committed by Servants in the Places above-mentioned, as well as in the Theatres, of which Masters are generally the Occasions, are too various not to need being resumed on another Occasion.

R.

[Footnote 1: of the]

[Footnote 2: 'White's', established as a chocolate-house in 1698, had a polite character for gambling, and was a haunt of sharpers and gay n.o.blemen before it became a Club.]

No. 89. Tuesday, June 12, 1711. Addison.

'... Pet.i.te hinc juvenesque senesque Finem animo certum, miserisque viatica canis.

Cras hoc fiet. Idem eras fiet. Quid? quasi magnum Nempe diem donas? sed c.u.m lux altera venit, Jam cras hesternum consumpsimus; ecce aliud cras Egerit hos annos, et semper paulum erit ultra.

Nam quamvis prope te, quamvis temone sub uno Vertentem sese frustra sectabere canthum.'

Per.

As my Correspondents upon the Subject of Love are very numerous, it is my Design, if possible, to range them under several Heads, and address my self to them at different Times. The first Branch of them, to whose Service I shall Dedicate these Papers, are those that have to do with Women of dilatory Tempers, who are for spinning out the Time of Courts.h.i.+p to an immoderate Length, without being able either to close with their Lovers, or to dismiss them. I have many Letters by me filled with Complaints against, this sort of Women. In one of them no less a Man than a Brother of the Coif tells me, that he began his Suit _Vicesimo nono Caroli secundi_, before he had been a Twelvemonth at the _Temple;_ that he prosecuted it for many Years after he was called to the Bar; that at present he is a Sergeant at Law; and notwithstanding he hoped that Matters would have been long since brought to an Issue, the Fair One still _demurrs_. I am so well pleased with this Gentleman's Phrase, that I shall distinguish this Sect of Women by the t.i.tle of _Demurrers_. I find by another Letter from one that calls himself _Thirsis_, that his Mistress has been Demurring above these seven Years.

But among all my Plaintiffs of this Nature, I most pity the unfortunate _Philander_, a Man of a constant Pa.s.sion and plentiful Fortune, who sets forth that the timorous and irresolute _Silvia_ has demurred till she is past Child-bearing. _Strephon_ appears by his Letter to be a very cholerick Lover, and irrevocably smitten with one that demurrs out of Self-interest. He tells me with great Pa.s.sion that she has bubbled him out of his Youth; that she drilled him on to Five and Fifty, and that he verily believes she will drop him in his old Age, if she can find her Account in another. I shall conclude this Narrative with a Letter from honest Sam Hopewell, a very pleasant Fellow, who it seems has at last married a _Demurrer:_ I must only premise, that Sam, who is a very good Bottle-Companion, has been the Diversion of his Friends, upon account of his Pa.s.sion, ever since the Year One thousand Six hundred and Eighty one.

_Dear SIR_,

'You know very well my Pa.s.sion for Mrs. _Martha_, and what a Dance she has led me: She took me at the Age of Two and Twenty, and dodged with me above Thirty Years. I have loved her till she is grown as Grey as a Cat, and am with much ado become the Master of her Person, such as it is at present. She is however in my Eye a very charming old Woman. We often lament that we did not marry sooner, but she has no Body to blame for it but her self: You know very well that she would never think of me whilst she had a Tooth in her Head. I have put the Date of my Pa.s.sion (_Anno Amoris Trigesimo primo_) instead of a Posy, on my Wedding-Ring. I expect you should send me a Congratulatory Letter, or, if you please, an _Epithalamium_, upon this Occasion.

_Mrs_. Martha's and _Yours Eternally_, SAM HOPEWELL

In order to banish an Evil out of the World, that does not only produce great Uneasiness to private Persons, but has also a very bad Influence on the Publick, I shall endeavour to shew the Folly of _Demurrage_ from two or three Reflections which I earnestly recommend to the Thoughts of my fair Readers.

First of all I would have them seriously think on the Shortness of their Time. Life is not long enough for a Coquet to play all her Tricks in. A timorous Woman drops into her Grave before she has done deliberating.

Were the Age of Man the same that it was before the Flood, a Lady might sacrifice half a Century to a Scruple, and be two or three Ages in demurring. Had she Nine Hundred Years good, she might hold out to the Conversion of the _Jews_ before she thought fit to be prevailed upon.

But, alas! she ought to play her Part in haste, when she considers that she is suddenly to quit the Stage, and make Room for others.

In the second Place, I would desire my Female Readers to consider, that as the Term of Life is short, that of Beauty is much shorter. The finest Skin wrinkles in a few Years, and loses the Strength of its Colourings so soon, that we have scarce Time to admire it. I might embellish this Subject with Roses and Rain-bows, and several other ingenious Conceits, which I may possibly reserve for another Opportunity.

There is a third Consideration which I would likewise recommend to a Demurrer, and that is the great Danger of her falling in Love when she is about Threescore, if she cannot satisfie her Doubts and Scruples before that Time. There is a kind of _latter Spring_, that sometimes gets into the Blood of an old Woman and turns her into a very odd sort of an Animal. I would therefore have the Demurrer consider what a strange Figure she will make, if she chances to get over all Difficulties, and comes to a final Resolution, in that unseasonable Part of her Life.

I would not however be understood, by any thing I have here said, to discourage that natural Modesty in the s.e.x, which renders a Retreat from the first Approaches of a Lover both fas.h.i.+onable and graceful: All that I intend, is, to advise them, when they are prompted by Reason and Inclination, to demurr only out of Form, and so far as Decency requires.

A virtuous Woman should reject the first Offer of Marriage, as a good Man does that of a Bishop.r.i.c.k; but I would advise neither the one nor the other to persist in refusing what they secretly approve. I would in this Particular propose the Example of _Eve_ to all her Daughters, as _Milton_ has represented her in the following Pa.s.sage, which I cannot forbear transcribing intire, tho' only the twelve last Lines are to my present Purpose.

_The Rib he form'd and fas.h.i.+on'd with his Hands; Under his forming Hands a Creature grew, Man-like, but diff'rent s.e.x; so lovely fair!

That what seem'd fair in all the World, seem'd now Mean, or in her summ'd up, in her contain'd And in her Looks; which from that time infus'd Sweetness into my Heart, unfelt before: And into all things from her Air inspir'd The Spirit of Love and amorous Delight.

She disappear'd, and left me dark! I wak'd To find her, or for ever to deplore Her Loss, and other Pleasures [all [1]] abjure; When out of Hope, behold her, not far off, Such as I saw her in my Dream, adorn'd With what all Earth or Heaven could bestow To make her amiable: On she came, Led by her heav'nly Maker, though unseen, And guided by his Voice, nor uninform'd Of nuptial Sanct.i.ty and Marriage Rites: Grace was in all her Steps, Heav'n in her Eye, In every Gesture Dignity and Love.

I overjoyed, could not forbear aloud.

This Turn hath made Amends; thou hast fulfill'd Thy Words, Creator bounteous and benign!

Giver of all things fair! but fairest this Of all thy Gifts, nor enviest. I now see Bone of my Bone, Flesh of my Flesh, my Self....

She heard me thus, and tho' divinely brought, Yet Innocence and Virgin Modesty, Her Virtue, and the Conscience of her Worth, That would be woo'd, and not unsought be won, Not obvious, not obtrusive, but retir'd The more desirable; or, to say all, Nature her self, tho' pure of sinful Thought, Wrought in her so, that seeing me, she [turn'd [2]]

I followed her: she what was Honour knew, And with obsequious Majesty approved My pleaded Reason. To the Nuptial Bower I led her blus.h.i.+ng like the Morn [3]----

[Footnote 1: to]

[Footnote 2: fled;]

[Footnote 3: P. L. Bk. VIII.]

No. 90. Wednesday, June 13, 1711. Addison.