The Spectator
Chapter 355 : 'I have a.s.sisted in several Sieges in the _Low-Countries_, and being still will

'I have a.s.sisted in several Sieges in the _Low-Countries_, and being still willing to employ my Talents, as a Soldier and Engineer, lay down this Morning at Seven a Clock before the Door of an obstinate Female, who had for some time refused me Admittance. I made a Lodgment in an outer Parlour about Twelve: The Enemy retired to her Bed-Chamber, yet I still pursued, and about two a-Clock this Afternoon she thought fit to Capitulate. Her Demands are indeed somewhat high, in Relation to the Settlement of her Fortune. But being in Possession of the House, I intend to insist upon _Carte-Blanche_, and am in hopes, by keeping off all other Pretenders for the s.p.a.ce of twenty four Hours, to starve her into a Compliance. I beg your speedy Advice, and am,

_SIR, Yours_, Peter Push.

From my Camp in _Red-Lion_ Square, Sat.u.r.day_ 4, in the Afternoon.

No. 567. Wednesday, July 14, 1714. Addison.

'--Inceptus clamor frustratur hiantes.'

Virg.

I have received private Advice from some of my Correspondents, that if I would give my Paper a general Run, I should take care to season it with Scandal. I have indeed observed of late, that few Writings sell which are not filled with great Names and ill.u.s.trious t.i.tles. The Reader generally casts his Eye upon a new Book, and if he finds several Letters separated from one another by a Dash, he buys it up, and peruses it with great Satisfaction. An _M_ and an _h_, a _T_ and an _r_ [1], with a short Line between them, has sold many an Insipid Pamphlet. Nay I have known a whole Edition go off by vertue of two or three well written &c--'s.

A sprinkling of the Words _Faction, Frenchman, Papist, Plunderer,_ and the like significant Terms, in an Italick Character, have also a very good Effect upon the Eye of the [Purchaser; [2]] not to mention _Scribler, Lier, Rogue, Rascal, Knave,_ and _Villain_, without which it is impossible to carry on a Modern Controversie.

Our Party-writers are so sensible of the secret Vertue of an Innuendo to recommend their Productions, that of late they never mention the Q--n or P--l at length, though they speak of them with Honour, and with that Deference which is due to them from every private Person. It gives a secret Satisfaction to a Peruser of these mysterious Works, that he is able to decipher them without help, and, by the Strength of his own natural Parts, to fill up a Blank-s.p.a.ce, or make out a Word that has only the first or last Letter to it.

Some of our Authors indeed, when they would be more Satyrical than ordinary, omit only the Vowels of a great Man's Name, and fall most unmercifully upon all the Consonants. This way of Writing was first of all introduced by _T-m Br-wn_, of facetious Memory, who, after having gutted a proper Name of all its intermediate Vowels, used to plant it in his Works, and make as free with it as he pleased, without any Danger of the Statute.

That I may imitate these celebrated Authors, and publish a Paper which shall be more taking than ordinary, I have here drawn up a very curious Libel, in which a Reader of Penetration will find a great deal of concealed Satyr, and if he be acquainted with the present Posture of Affairs, will easily discover the Meaning of it.

'If there are _four_ Persons in the Nation who endeavour to bring all things into Confusion, and ruin their native Country, I think every honest _Engl-shm-n_ ought to be upon his Guard. That there are such, every one will agree with me, who hears me name *** with his first Friend and Favourite ***, not to mention *** nor ***. These People may cry Ch-rch, Ch-rch, as long as they please, but, to make use of a homely Proverb, The Proof of the P-dd-ng is in the eating. This I am sure of, that if a _certain Prince_ should concur with a _certain Prelate_, (and we have Monsieur Z--n's Word for it) our Posterity would be in a sweet P-ckle. Must the _British_ Nation suffer forsooth, because my Lady _Q-p-t-s_ has been disobliged? Or is it reasonable that our _English_ Fleet, which used to be the Terror of the Ocean, should lie Windbound for the sake of a--. I love to speak out and declare my Mind clearly, when I am talking for the Good of my Country. I will not make my Court to an ill Man, tho' he were a B--y or a T--t. Nay, I would not stick to call so wretched a Politician, a Traitor, an Enemy to his Country, and a Bl-nd-rb-ss, &c., &c.

The remaining Part of this Political Treatise, which is written after the manner of the most celebrated Authors in _Great Britain_, I may communicate to the Publick at a more convenient Season. In the mean while I shall leave this with my curious Reader, as some ingenious Writers do their Enigmas, and if any sagacious Person can fairly unriddle it, I will print his Explanation, and, if he pleases, acquaint the World with his Name.

I hope this short Essay will convince my Readers, it is not for want of Abilities that I avoid State-tracts, and that if I would apply my Mind to it, I might in a little time be as great a Master of the Political Scratch as any the most eminent Writer of the Age. I shall only add, that in order to outs.h.i.+ne all this Modern Race of _Syncopists_, and thoroughly content my _English_ Readers, I intend shortly to publish a SPECTATOR, that shall not have a single Vowel in it.

[Footnote 1: For 'Marlborough' and 'Treasurer.']

[Footnote 2: [Reader.]]

No. 568. Friday, July 16, 1714. Addison.

'--Dum recitas, incipit esse Tuus--'

Mart.

I was Yesterday in a Coffee-House not far from the _Royal Exchange_, where I observed three Persons in close Conference over a Pipe of Tobacco; upon which, having filled one for my own use, I lighted it at the little Wax Candle that stood before them; and after having thrown in two or three Whiffs amongst them, sat down and made one of the Company.

I need not tell my Reader, that lighting a Man's Pipe at the same Candle, is looked upon among Brother-smokers as an Overture to Conversation and Friends.h.i.+p. As we here lay our Heads together in a very amicable Manner, being intrenched under a Cloud of our own raising, I took up the last SPECTATOR, and casting my Eye over it, _The_ SPECTATOR, says I, _is very witty to-Day;_ upon which a l.u.s.ty lethargick old Gentleman, who sat at the Upper-end of the Table, having gradually blown out of his Mouth a great deal of Smoke, which he had been collecting for some Time before, _Ay,_ says he, _more witty than wise I am afraid._ His Neighbour who sat at his right Hand immediately coloured, and being an angry Politician, laid down his Pipe with so much Wrath that he broke it in the Middle, and by that Means furnished me with a Tobacco-stopper. I took it up very sedately, and looking him full in the Face, made use of it from Time to Time all the while he was speaking: _This fellow,_ says he, _can't for his Life keep out of Politicks. Do you see how he abuses_ four _great Men here?_ I fix'd my Eye very attentively on the Paper, and asked him if he meant those who were represented by Asterisks.

_Asterisks,_ says he, _do you call them? they are all of them Stars. He might as well have put Garters to 'em. Then pray do but mind the two or three next Lines? Ch-rch and P-dd-ing in the same Sentence! Our Clergy are very much beholden to him._ Upon this the third Gentleman, who was of a mild Disposition, and, as I found, a Whig in his Heart, desired him not to be too severe upon the SPECTATOR neither; For, says he, _you find he is very cautious of giving Offence, and has therefore put two Dashes into his Pudding. A Fig for his Dash,_ says the angry Politician. _In his next Sentence he gives a plain Innuendo, that our Posterity will be in a sweet P-ckle. What does the Fool mean by his Pickle? Why does not he write it at length, if he means honestly? I have read over the whole Sentence,_ says I; _but I look upon the Parenthesis in the Belly of it to be the most dangerous Part, and as full of Insinuations as it can hold. But who,_ says I, _is my Lady Q-p-t-s? Ay, Answer that if you can, Sir,_ says the furious Statesman to the poor Whig that sate over-against him. But without giving him Time to reply, _I do a.s.sure you,_ says he, _were I my Lady_ Q-p-t-s, _I would sue him for_ Scandalum Magnatum.

_What is the World come to? Must every Body be allowed to--?_ He had by this time filled a new Pipe and applying it to his Lips, when we expected the last Word of his Sentence, put us off with a Whiff of Tobacco; which he redoubled with so much Rage and Trepidation, that he almost stifled the whole Company. After a short Pause, I owned that I thought the SPECTATOR had gone too far in writing so many Letters of my Lady _Q-p-t-s'_s Name; _but however_, says I, _he has made a little Amends for it in his next Sentence, where he leaves a blank s.p.a.ce without so much as a Consonant to direct us? I mean_, says I, _after those Words_, The Fleet, that used to be the Terrour of the Ocean, should be Wind-bound for the sake of a--; _after which ensues a Chasm, that in my Opinion looks modest enough. Sir_, says my Antagonist, _you may easily know his Meaning by his Gaping; I suppose he designs his Chasm, as you call it, for an Hole to creep out at, but I believe it will hardly serve his Turn. Who can endure to see the great Officers of State, the_ B--y's _and_ T--t's _treated after so scurrilous a Manner? I can't for my Life_, says I, _imagine who they are the_ SPECTATOR _means?

No!_ says he,--_Your humble Servant, Sir!_ Upon which he flung himself back in his Chair after a contemptuous Manner, and smiled upon the old lethargick Gentleman on his left Hand, who I found was his great Admirer. The Whig however had begun to conceive a Good-will towards me, and seeing my Pipe out, very generously offered me the Use of his Box; but I declined it with great Civility, being obliged to meet a Friend about that Time in another Quarter of the City.

At my leaving the Coffee-house, I could not forbear reflecting with my self upon that gross Tribe of Fools who may be termed the _Overwise_, and upon the Difficulty of writing any thing in this censorious Age, which a weak Head may not construe into private Satyr and personal Reflection.

A Man who has a good Nose at an Innuendo, smells Treason and Sedition in the most innocent Words that can be put together, and never sees a Vice or Folly stigmatized, but finds out one or other of his Acquaintance pointed at by the Writer. I remember an empty pragmatical Fellow in the Country, who upon reading over _the whole Duty of Man_, had written the Names of several Persons in the Village at the Side of every Sin which is mentioned by that excellent Author; so that he had converted one of the best Books in the World into a Libel against the 'Squire, Church-wardens, Overseers of the Poor, and all other the most considerable Persons in the Parish. This Book with these extraordinary marginal Notes fell accidentally into the Hands of one who had never seen it before; upon which there arose a current Report that Somebody had written a Book against the 'Squire and the whole Parish. The Minister of the Place having at that Time a Controversy with some of his Congregation upon the Account of his Tythes, was under some Suspicion of being the Author, 'till the good Man set his People right by shewing them that the satyrical Pa.s.sages might be applied to several others of two or three neighbouring Villages, and that the Book was writ against all the Sinners in England.

No. 569. Monday, July 19, 1714. Addison.

'Reges dic.u.n.tur multis urgere culullis Et torquere mero, quem perspexisse laborent, An sit amicitia dignus--'

Hor.