Annie's Song
Chapter 31 : "A dozen? Jesus Christ!" Alex shot up from his chair and started to pace. &qu

"A dozen? Jesus Christ!" Alex shot up from his chair and started to pace. "That's it then. I'm not touching her. Maybe it's a d.a.m.ned good thing I'm sending her away to school, after all."

Daniel pushed away from the fireplace and thrust his hands in his pockets. He'd heard many a man make the same vow directly after his wife delivered their first child. "You'll begin to feel differently as time wears on."

Alex shook his head. "No. She is not going to suffer like that again. Not if I can help it, and there's no question there. It's a simple matter of abstinence."

Highly amused, Daniel asked, "What will you do? Go into town every Sat.u.r.day night? Annie may have something to say about that."

"My nights in town are over. I'm married, for G.o.d's sake."

Daniel grinned. "We'll see how things go. As I said, there are some precautions you can take. When Annie comes home for visits or you go to Albany to see her, abstinence may be rather-constraining."

Alex glanced back over his shoulder. "Are the precautions absolutely safe?"

"Nothing is absolutely safe."

"Then I'll suffer."

It was a promise Alex meant to keep.

Twenty-four.

During the first month of his life, Bartholomew Alexander Montgomery, named after Alex's father, grew at an impressive rate, thriving on his mother's milk and the limitless love that was showered upon him by all the adults in his world.

But even with his added inches, at the end of four weeks, he still wasn't as long as his name. What he lacked in length, however, he compensated for with lung power. When he cried, everyone in the house but his mother heard him and came running.

Little Bart, Alex called him. It was a name that underwent subtle changes when he woke up Alex at three o'clock in the morning. As he scooped his son from the cradle to pace the floor with him, Alex would whisper, "You little fart. It's the middle of the night." Bart, like his mother, seemed to have no concept of time and was a creature of impulse. Predawn socializing had never been one of Alex's favorite activities.

But, after four weeks, he had to admit that the habit was beginning to grow on him. A little too much for his peace of mind. It was already the tenth of February and the first of March was only three weeks away.

For several different reasons, Alex had waited to tell Annie that he meant to send her away to school. For one, he wanted what little time they had left together untarnished by sadness, and the minute he told Annie, they were both going to feel sad.

For another, he fully expected her to take the news badly, and he couldn't see much point in upsetting her weeks before it was necessary. For fourteen years, she'd been forced to live in veritable seclusion. To suddenly be thrust into the world, to be expected to attend cla.s.ses and socialize, would not be easy for her.

There was also the inescapable fact that Alex had discovered a very broad yellow streak running up his spine.

The long and short of it was, he didn't look forward to telling Annie of his decision because he knew she was going to hate him for it. Attending school in Albany was the best thing for her. Alex was convinced of that, and eventually Annie would realize it as well. But, like bitter medicine, what was best for a person wasn't always very palatable.

Well in advance, Alex thought of a dozen different ways he might break the news to her, but when the moment finally arrived, all his well-rehea.r.s.ed speeches went the way of dandelion fluff on the wind. They were in the study, a checkerboard unfolded on the game table between them, the baby well-bundled and asleep on the horsehair sofa nearby.

Gathering his courage, Alex looked into his wife's beautiful blue eyes and said, "I have a wonderful surprise for you, Annie. It's something I've been waiting to tell you about for weeks now."

In the flickering light from the fire, her smile seemed even more radiant than usual. Looking at her, Alex knew he'd never seen anyone more beautiful. Two days ago, the dressmaker had completed her postnatal wardrobe, and she was absolutely stunning in a deep rose skirt and pale pink cotton blouse with ruffled cap sleeves. The outfit conformed to her figure, revealing her now slender waist and gently flaring hips.

"A surprise? What is it? A puppy?"

Alex's throat went tight. He hadn't forgotten her yearning for a dog. Before deciding to send her away, he'd planned to buy her one for Christmas. Now that would have to wait until she finished school. "No, not a dog, sweetheart." He forced a smile. "It's something better than that." Leaning forward over the checkerboard, he looked deeply into her eyes. "I've decided to send you to school, Annie. A school for the deaf."

Her eyes darkened, and a bewildered expression came across her small face. "School?" She smiled hesitantly.

"When?"

"In three weeks," Alex said huskily. "Oh, Annie, you're going to love it. The students there put on their own plays.

You'll be very good at that. You've been dressing up and putting on plays in the attic for years! And they have dances there. Real dances. You'll get to wear pretty dresses and waltz until you drop. Won't that be fun?"

The darkness left her eyes to be replaced by a sparkle of excitement. "Dances?"

"Absolutely. With music and everything." As he watched her, Alex sent up a quick, heartfelt prayer that his facial expressions weren't as revealing as hers, that she would never guess that with every word he spoke, his heart was breaking.

"You'll make friends there, Annie. With deaf people just like you. People who know how to speak in sign. Before you know it, you'll be able to read and write. Won't that be grand?"

She clasped her hands and held them to her chest. "Oh, yes!

In three weeks? How long is three weeks?"

"Not very long. About twenty days." It wasn't nearly long enough, not in his books. "You'll leave on the twenty-eighth.

That'll give you plenty of time to get settled in before your cla.s.ses start."

Her excited smile became frozen. After staring at him for several long seconds, she said, "Leave?"

Alex swallowed. "Um, yes. The school is up in Albany.

You'll go by train. Maddy will be with you, though, so that won't be a problem. While you're at school during the day, she'll take care of Bart."

Annie continued to stare at him. "How long?"

Alex knew what she was asking, but he chose to pretend he didn't. "How long? The train ride, you mean? Several hours.

I'll have to check the schedule. Albany is about two hundred miles from here." He smiled again. "That's five sets of forty, in case you're wondering. It sounds like a long way, but it really isn't, not in this day and age with modern modes of transportation."

Her gaze clung to his. "No... I meant how long will I be at school?"

"Only as long as it takes for you to learn all you need to know. How to speak, how to read and write, how to do arithmetic."

"A very long time."

"No ... At the very most, Annie, it'll be two or three years.

Because you went deaf after acquiring language skills, you're going to pa.s.s the other students as if they're standing still.

Before you know it, you'll graduate. Meanwhile, we'll visit back and forth. It won't seem like a very long time at all."

For an awful moment, Alex thought she might burst into tears. Then she brought her chin up, squared her shoulders and flashed a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "How exciting.

I can hardly wait!"

With that, she pushed up from her chair, avoiding his gaze, but keeping her face turned toward him so he might read her lips. "I think I'm too excited to play checkers anymore. Please, excuse me."

"Annie!" Alex called. "Honey, wait..." Quickly gathering up the baby, she headed for the door, never turning, never looking back. As she exited the study, Alex fell back in his chair and closed his eyes. Then, with a violent sweep of his arm, he sent the checkerboard flying.

Annie held Bartholomew snugly against her breast and stared sightlessly into the fire, the toes of her slippers touching the floor periodically to keep the rocking chair in motion. She didn't look left or right, up or down, just stared straight ahead, the pain in her chest so intense that she found it difficult to breathe.

School... for two or three years. In Albany, where she would learn to speak, read and write, and do arithmetic. In Albany, where she would not be a part of Alex's life until she was sufficiently accomplished to no longer be an embarra.s.sment to him.

Annie the dummy ...

She closed her eyes, determined not to cry, no matter how much it hurt. She couldn't blame him. Not really. From the first, she'd known she wasn't good for him, that her deafness made her unsuitable as a wife. If she went away to school, she might learn to talk. That alone would help. When Alex took her into town, people wouldn't be as likely to stare and whisper if she could speak. It would be better for Bartholomew as well. The last thing Annie wanted was for him to be teased and taunted because his mother was a dummy.

She knew how it hurt to be constantly ridiculed.

Albany... A school for the deaf. Where she could make friends. A special place, where everyone else was a dummy, too. A place where the dummies put on plays and went to dances and pretended they were normal. A place where Alex could send her so people wouldn't see her with him all the time and laugh at him.

Bartholomew began to squirm. Opening her eyes, Annie unfastened her bodice and put him to her breast. As he snuggled down to suckle, she ran her fingertips over his silken little head. Rocking, constantly rocking. Inside her head, the word Albany became a singsong. In three weeks, she would go there. In three years, if she learned quickly, she could come home. It was as simple and horrible as that.

Creak- creak- creak- creak. The sound was enough to drive Alex crazy. He sat on the edge of the bed, patiently waiting for Annie to finish feeding Bart so he could talk to her about going away to school. From the look he'd seen in her eyes downstairs, he knew she believed he didn't want her with him, that he was sending her away expressly to get her out of his way.

Nothing was farther from the truth. He loved her more than he'd ever loved anyone. Just the thought of spending a day without her was torture, let alone months at a time. He'd rather cut off his arm.

From his vantage point, he had a clear frontal view of her.

Bart had long since grown bored with nursing and was pacifying himself, nothing more. Halfhearted suckles, gumming the crest of her nipple. Annie just sat there, letting him rout, her small feet rhythmically pus.h.i.+ng to keep the rocker in constant motion. Creak- creak- creak. Alex was tempted to take the G.o.dd.a.m.ned chair and throw it out the window. Instead, he sat there, the epitome of patience, willing his wife to at least look at him.

Bart finally began to doze. Catching her nipple between index and middle fingers, Annie teased his little mouth, apparently reluctant to end the feeding and thus find herself with no excuse to ignore her husband. Watching her, Alex bit down hard on his back teeth, not because she was ignoring him, but because seeing her naked b.r.e.a.s.t.s was driving him half-mad.

He pushed up from the bed and began to pace. Four weeks was a h.e.l.l of a long time to abstain from touching one's wife.

He felt like the head of a match held too close to a flame, ready to ignite at any second. Between listening to the chair creak incessantly, which she couldn't hear, and watching her fiddle with herself, he was perilously close to either strangling her or seducing her, the latter of which seemed a lot more tempting.

Now that her ordeal in childbirth had faded a bit from his mind, Alex wasn't quite so appalled by the thought of siring another child. Dr. Muir had a.s.sured him the second birth wouldn't be as difficult for Annie, and that she was perfectly made to bear children. As if such a thing were even possible. If he truly wasn't sterile, it seemed rather fortuitous that he'd never left his calling card anywhere. Surely the vinegar-soaked sponges prost.i.tutes used weren't failure-free as a means of preventing pregnancy.

He strode to the window and pulled back the ivory drape to gaze out into the darkness. Staring at nothing had to be better than torturing himself. After several endless seconds, he glanced over his shoulder, hoping and praying that she had fastened her bodice. But, of course, she hadn't. Not Annie. She had, however, stopped enticing Bart to nurse. Alex was thankful for small blessings.

He turned and moved decisively toward her. At his approach, she raised blue eyes to his. One look from her, and his irritation vanished. His decision to send her away had hurt her deeply. Somehow, he had to make her understand that it hurt him just as badly to think about letting her go.

Bending over her, he scooped the baby from her arms and put him in his cradle. Then he hunkered beside her rocker, watching dry-mouthed as she tucked her b.r.e.a.s.t.s back into her chemise and tied the drawstring into a neat little bow.

"Annie ..." He caught her chin and made her look at him. "I don't want to send you away. I know that's what you're thinking. Don't deny it. I promise you, sweetheart, you couldn't be more wrong."

Eyes luminous with unshed tears and aching with pain, she sat there glaring at him. He had a very bad feeling.

"I love you, d.a.m.n it. I'm not sending you to school to get rid of you." Enfolding her hands in his, he listed all his reasons for having made the decision, ending with, "I don't want to deny you those experiences, sweetheart. If I did, I'd be the most selfish b.a.s.t.a.r.d who ever walked."

"What about what I want?" she finally asked.

Alex sighed. "Honey, you don't know what you want. Can't you understand that? How can you know if you'd rather stay here than see a play? You've never even seen one. And dances.

It's easy to think you don't care about those things, but that's only because you've never done any of them. I have." He leaned down to look into her slightly downcast eyes. "I know what you've missed, Annie, love. And I want you to experience life at its fullest. Making friends, having fun with them. Being able to go to school, like other people. Once you're there, you're going to love it. I promise you that."

She shook her head and gestured around her. "This is the life I want. To be here with you. To be your wife."

"You only think that because you've never experienced anything else." Alex took a deep breath. He needed strength. It was so tempting, so d.a.m.nably tempting, to let her stay with him. "I'll tell you what. Let's make a bargain, hmm? You go to school and stick it out for one whole year. If, after that long a time, you still want to come home, I-"

She sprang from the chair. After taking several steps away, she swung around to fasten tear-bright eyes on him. Lifting her hands, she cried, "You don't want me. That's the truth of it.

And you don't love me. Not like I love you! If you did, you couldn't do this."

Alex rose to his feet. "That is not true. I love you so much it hurts. Just the thought of your leaving makes me feel sick. I don't-"

She cupped her hands over her eyes. "Just go away!"

He closed the distance between them and drew her hands down. "Annie, sweetheart, please, don't make this any more difficult than it has to be."

"Go away! You don't want me. I don't want you. So go away!"

"I do want you."

Her mouth twisted and the tears welling in her eyes spilled over her dark lashes onto her cheeks. "No, you don't. You don't even kiss me anymore."

The accusation hit Alex like a fist in the gut. It was true; he didn't kiss her anymore. He feared that if he did, he'd lose control and make love to her. What if he wasn't sterile? When he was thinking rationally, which he d.a.m.ned well wouldn't be if he kissed her, he knew that getting her pregnant was a risk he couldn't take. Another baby ... She wouldn't be able to go away to school if he got her with child again. If Dr. Muir was right, if there was even a slight chance ...

His voice gravelly with a longing he couldn't slake, Alex whispered, "I'd like nothing better than to kiss you, Annie, girl.

But if I do, I may do more than just kiss you. If I make love to you, you could get pregnant again."

Her eyes widened and she pressed a hand over her waist.

"With a baby?"

"Of course, with a baby."

"Making love. That's what makes babies?"

Alex swallowed. "Well, yes. How'd you think?"

Looking stricken, she whispered something he didn't catch.

"What?"

"Fairies," she repeated. "Mama told me fairies brought them."

A sudden headache was developing behind Alex's eyes.