A Practical Guide to Evil
A Practical Guide to Evil - Book 5 Chapter 54: Lustrate

鈥淎 house can be destroyed by a fortune spent and twenty years of exquisite scheming; or in less than an hour with a single well-thrown torch.鈥?/em>

鈥?Dread Empress Massacre

I didn鈥檛 even step foot into my army鈥檚 camp, knowing that if I rested for even a moment I鈥檇 drop like a sack of flour. Truth be told, I was I no state to deal with the Tyrant of Helike if he decided to get clever with me. I was very nearly out of tricks, dawn had come and exhausted was the demure word for how bone-tired weary I was. But Archer and the Rogue were likely prisoners, and that meant sleep would have to wait a little longer. I had, though, absolutely no intention of getting clever back at Kairos. If he wanted to have a neat little rapier duel, all wits and triple meanings, then I was going to stroll into his fucking camp with a flying fortress full of sappers. I would have specified the sappers to be bloodthirsty but Hells, when had I ever met any that weren鈥檛? Even Pickler got that unholy spring to her step when told her latest devices would be unleashed on enemy soldiers. So no, I鈥檇 not gone to camp to pick up an escort or a detachment of soldiers that鈥檇 look as impressive as they were useless under the dawning sun. Instead I鈥檇 gone to pick up my personal diabolical possibly-undead tame thing, and also Zombie.

鈥淵ou are smirking most fetchingly, dearest,鈥?Akua Sahelian noted. 鈥淎s you only ever do when pondering unkindness at my expense.鈥?/p>

鈥淣ot a single part of it was untrue, though,鈥?I mused.

鈥淭hen all hail Catherine Foundling, fae queen of our souls still,鈥?the shade prettily smiled.

I could only resent the way the way sarcasm was actually an attractive look for her, instead of aggressively spiteful as it tended to for on myself. There was probably some dark magic at work, I told myself. Zombie鈥檚 saddlebags had been filled with the bare necessities, such as wine and munitions and a set of knives. And a pouch of wakeleaf, though it was the redleaf variant I felt tasted a little too strongly against the roof of the mouth. Still, considering Iserre was half a ruin and the closest town was several days of travel to the north it was a miracle my people had even managed to get their hands on that much.

鈥淲hich reminds me, actually,鈥?I said. 鈥淓ither of you catch sight of Larat and his posse after they made their exit?鈥?/p>

鈥淣o,鈥?Hakram said. 鈥淎nd we did look, now that scrying has been restored. No one has a clue of where they鈥檝e disappeared to.鈥?/p>

I let out a reluctantly impressed whistle.

鈥淟arat, you magnificent bastard,鈥?I murmured. 鈥淕ood on you.鈥?/p>

I raised the flask of tonic-flavoured Dormer pale towards the sky in a toast.

鈥淢ay you forever be someone else鈥檚 problem,鈥?I said.

The last of the wine slunk down my throat, gone cold. The toast and respect that went with it I鈥檇 offered without rancour, even though his slipping the noose had meant trouble for my plans. As those plans had involved carving him open inside like a fish at market, though, I found that to be fairly done. That one-eyed fox had wanted to stroll into a strange new daw unfettered and unbound, no matter the costs, and had gotten exactly that. For all that the once-Prince of Nightfall was a monstrous old bastard, in the end he鈥檇 beaten both Fate and his own nature to claim his prize.

So very few of us could say the same.

鈥淚 think he might have been my favourite treacherous lieutenant,鈥?I mused.

Akua, without ever moving from her textbook perfect horse-riding stance on one of the confiscated Helikean horses, conveyed her deep and genuine offence at my words.

鈥淵ou can鈥檛 be my treacherous anything, dearest,鈥?I drily said. 鈥淎ren鈥檛 you on the side of angels these days?鈥?/p>

鈥淚鈥檓 sure some sort of arrangement can be reached with them,鈥?she serenely replied, after gracing me with a pleased smile. 鈥淧erhaps a pact of some sort.鈥?/p>

Hakram choked.

鈥淎re you suggesting diabolism be used on Choirs?鈥?the orc got out.

鈥淔inding the 鈥榤orally righteous鈥?equivalent of blood sacrifice has been something of a riddle,鈥?Akua candidly admitted. 鈥淧riests have been鈥?less than supportive of my inquiries, when pressed.鈥?/p>

鈥淭ry helping people,鈥?I suggested.

鈥淭hat sounds positively horrid,鈥?she said, wrinkling her nose.

I was at least two thirds certain she was joking, though. I took another look at her face, then amended to half. It was a work in progress, though maybe one of these days I鈥檇 have to sit her down along with Archer for a friendly talk about Why Other People, Who Are Not Us, Matter. Gods, I wondered if Black had ever been forced to have that with the Calamities. Not Sabah, I thought, as for all that she鈥檇 carried a ravenous man-eating monster within her she鈥檇 always been a decent woman. But Warlock or Ranger? Sisters, I鈥檇 pay good coin to have transcripts of that conversation. If Robber鈥檚 band of marauders were still putting on plays, we could even make an evening out of a theatrical reading. Mean thou, Black Knight, that Creation be more than the navel at which I gaze so pridefully? Prithee, these be lies. Godsdamned Ranger. The rising sun had begun to cast down unpleasant glare before we reached the edge of the League鈥檚 maze of camps, no doubt making for a strange sight. There were only three of us, after all, and Hakram was on foot. His longs limbs and the tirelessness of his Name allowed him to keep pace, so long as riders shied from anything faster than a trot. We鈥檇 certainly not gone unnoticed, at least, for now seven detachment of troops were hurrying out of the sea of League tents to greet us.

鈥淚s that a bedsheet?鈥?Hakram asked, cocking his head to the side.

The Helikean foot carrying what was quite likely a bedsheet stolen from some Proceran clotheslines, and therefore also the Hierarch鈥檚 personal banner, moved faster than the rest. It seemed like every city in the League had sent some people to meet us, including a thick pack of what I assumed to be Bellerophan infantry significantly outnumbering everyone else put together. Gods, but the armour they wore looked like it belonged in some war two centuries ago. So did the thickly-packed formations they advanced in, formations that would be reaped by wheat if they encountered a few lines of Praesi mages or even some swift-footed sappers.

鈥淲e are received in honour,鈥?Akua said. 鈥淨ueen of my heart, shall we proceed?鈥?/p>

I breathed out. Could be a trap. Wasn鈥檛 likely, considering Kairos had to know that breaking truce in any way at this point would see everyone else turning on him like rabid wolverines, but you never knew with the Tyrant. Just because he鈥檇 antagonized nearly everyone he could didn鈥檛 mean he wasn鈥檛 going to keep pushing his luck. If he were a reasonable sort of madman, he鈥檇 be a great deal less dangerous.

鈥淟et鈥檚,鈥?I said. 鈥淎s for courtesies to offer, I have only one thing to say.鈥?/p>

Hakram鈥檚 eyes found me, and Akua鈥檚 brow arched in invitation.

鈥淩emember the first time I attended court in the Tower?鈥?I said.

鈥淰ividly,鈥?the shade replied, lips quirking.

鈥淔eel free to make that look polite,鈥?I coldly instructed.

We resumed our advance towards the Leaguers, bearing no banner and offering no announcements. They clustered uneasily around each other, a band of mercenaries and militias and career soldiers whose allegiances were only loosely bound together by Named madness and happenstance, and awaited our arrival. It would have been customary to rein in the horses before them and speak, I knew. Diplomatic. I kept riding.

鈥淏lack Queen, we greet you,鈥?one of the Helikean officers called out.

Hurriedly, I noted, as we鈥檇 not slowed in our advanced.

鈥淵ou鈥檙e one of Kairos鈥?鈥?I noted. 鈥淩un back to your master, soldier. Tell him if Archer and the Rogue Sorcerer are not freed and in full health by the time I reach him, I鈥檒l rip out his fucking heart and feed it to Adjutant right here.鈥?/p>

I jutted a thumb at Hakram, who gallantly displayed every inch of fang there was to display. I鈥檇 been told he had impressive pearly whites, by orc standards. It was a lot of teeth, and none of it friendly.

鈥淵ou cannot threaten-鈥?the officer indignantly began.

鈥淪he just did,鈥?Akua daintily sighed, as if put-upon by the man鈥檚 poor breeding. 鈥淏est start running now, for we鈥檒l not slow in deference to the likes of you.鈥?/p>

鈥淭reachery,鈥?the call came from further down the field.

The Atalante contingent, by the looks of the banner.

鈥淵ou knifed the rest of Calernia in the back at the Dead King鈥檚 behest,鈥?I coldly replied. 鈥淎nd are now breaking the same truce you begged for last night. You have exactly once chance to make reparations before every army on this field marches against you.鈥?/p>

鈥淪eeking extermination, this time, not surrender,鈥?Akua casually added. 鈥淥ne does not twice allow a rabid dog to run free.鈥?/p>

Ah, and there was that Wasteland highborn breed of nastiness. I鈥檇 not missed in the slightest, though having it turned on my opposition was a refreshing novelty. We could have lingered further, reasoned with them, but that would imply that we were in less than complete control of this situation. That we needed to speak with them, rather than having granted them the privilege of being spoken to. So we resumed our advance as if we were untouchable, and so went untouched. No one, I realized with amusement, wanted to be the first to step forward. As much for fear of death as for the calamitous consequences that laying a hand on any of us would bring, I thought. However rude we were, they must be painfully aware they were a long way from home facing better and hostile armies more than twice their number 鈥?and that there would be no swift retreat from Arcadia, now that the shard had been settled into a newborn and broken realm.

So they moved aside, and two Helikean riders peeled off in haste to bring warning.

I was too tired to properly assess the enemy鈥檚 camp and so left that to Adjutant鈥檚 watchful gaze, contenting myself with noting that just like the getting parties their tents remained highly divided. This was not a great army, it was a coalition of smaller ones. On the field, even if they had significantly greater numbers than either my eastern coalition or the Grand Alliance individually I would bet on those over this mess. Helike and Stygia fielded fine hosts, but none of the others were of that quality. Arguably, now that Ashur had been broken the League of Free Cities was now the preeminent sea power of Calernia 鈥?but down here, on the ground and in Iserre? Juniper would eat these poor bastards for breakfast, and she鈥檇 actually lost battles to the Grand Alliance in this campaign. It was only the prospect of casualties that kept everyone鈥檚 sword in the sheath, and these days Kairos Theodosian was proving too much of a nuisance for that to keep being enough. Under our unfriendly gazes some attendants in servant robes came for us when we entered the edge of the camp, guides meant to bring us to the Tyrant of Helike and his 鈥榞uests鈥? We followed, and so tasted the Tyrant鈥檚 warning pulsing blindly and dimly in the distance. The same invisible current I鈥檇 felt in Rochelant, and again made as a sword in Kairos鈥?hand. The Hierarch had returned, and though his ruinous leviathan of an aspect was still slumbering its presence could still be tasted in the air.

Waiting until it could wake again, and feed.

Neither of my companions had been exposed to it before, and I glanced at them in worry. Distant as the pounding was, faint like a sleeping dragon鈥檚 breath, it still trembled in the air. Adjutant, though remained as calm as ever in the face of it. And as for Akua, she simply cocked an eyebrow.

鈥淨uaint,鈥?she murmured.

鈥淨uaint,鈥?I repeated, disbelieving.

She smiled at me, golden eyes almost visible through the veil.

鈥淲hatever else I am,鈥?Akua said, 鈥淚 am a Sahelian still. What a shallow chalice this would be to drink from, compared to the many heady madnesses of my forbears. My blood has known great sweeps of lunacy, heart of my heart, and this kind is not so great I would fear it.鈥?/p>

Well, who was I to deny that hard-headed arrogance couldn鈥檛 let you fight the run of the world? I鈥檇 never truly understand 鈥?could never 鈥?that hard Wasteland pride rooted in old blood and deeds always terrible and sometimes great, for it was a highborn pride. I was the daughter of orphanages, raised to Wasteland lessons on Callowan lips, and the only blood I trusted was that which my hand had spilled. But I would not fully deny the bones of Akua Sahelian鈥檚 vanity, for it was not fully unearned. We rode on, until a great pavilion awaited us and the guide-servants bowed, and only then did I dismount. The shade followed suit, and without waiting to be announced we strode within. To my utter lack of surprise Kairos Theodosian awaited within, not the Hierarch whose slumbering aspect I could still feel further in or even any of the greats from the other cities of the League. It was grimly satisfying to see that even a jackal鈥檚 grin could not hide the black eye I鈥檇 given him or his exhaustion. There were but a few gargoyles left to attend him, for near all those he鈥檇 brought with him in the seeking of Twilight had been broken by my own miracles. He was, I thought, slowly but surely running out of artefacts to spend.

鈥淐atherine,鈥?he affably greeted me. 鈥淚n a fine temper, I see.鈥?/p>

We were deep in the Helikean camp now, surrounded by thousands soldiers whose loyalty to the Tyrant would be absolute. Unless we slew him with the first strike 鈥?unlikely, given the faint whisper of sorcery lingering within the tent 鈥?attacking him would start a fight I could not win. Yet my hand still itched with the desire to make a matching set of blackened eyes.

鈥淎rcher,鈥?I said. 鈥淭he Rogue Sorcerer. They鈥檙e in your hands.鈥?/p>

鈥淗onoured guests,鈥?he assured me. 鈥淜ept safe until you came to fetch them.鈥?/p>

鈥淚 have,鈥?I bluntly told him. 鈥淲here are they?鈥?/p>

鈥淭hey鈥檝e been sent for,鈥?Kairos said, 鈥渢hough there has been something of a complication.鈥?/p>

He could not lie, I knew. The Grey Pilgrim had seen to that. Yet he was not cripple in wits as he was in flesh and could easily deceive without outright speaking an untruth. Tariq, I thought, might have actually made him more dangerous. Knowing he couldn鈥檛 lie I鈥檇 been inclined to believe him, until I鈥檇 realized he鈥檇 never specified exactly who it was he鈥檇 sent for.

鈥淐omplication?鈥?Adjutant asked in my stead.

鈥淎rcher, while having peacefully enjoyed her pick of our bottles earlier, now appears to have killed her way through the company of soldiers sent to fetch her,鈥?the Tyrant sighed. 鈥淪he鈥檚 now retrieved her armaments and is suspected to be coming to kill me.鈥?/p>

鈥淎nd you would know this how?鈥?Hakram asked.

鈥淭here was talk of beating me to death with one of my own gargoyles,鈥?Kairos informed us. 鈥淲ell, shouts to be more accurate.鈥?/p>

That did sound like Indrani, I鈥檇 admit to that.

鈥淵our presence has since been known to her,鈥?the odd-eyed king said. 鈥淥ne hopes it will be enough to stay her hand.鈥?/p>

I inclined my head.

鈥淭he Rogue Sorcerer?鈥?I asked.

鈥淟ast I heard he was hesitating over which of the ancient tomes I鈥檝e provided for his perusal he will keep. I鈥檝e offered such a boon as a parting gift,鈥?the Tyrant said.

Tiredness had slowed my wits, but not slowed them so much that I would not understand the implication here. The two Named that鈥檇 stumbled into his grasp had been treated very well, and there would be no trouble in retrieving them. They鈥檇 not been hostages, then, but instead a pointed invitation.

鈥淵ou wanted me here, obviously,鈥?I said. 鈥淗ere I am.鈥?/p>

鈥淲ould you like a drink?鈥?he offered.

鈥淚鈥檇 like two days of sleep and to see you eat your own hand before a jeering crowd,鈥?I casually replied. 鈥淕et on with it, Kairos. My patience wears thin.鈥?/p>

鈥淭here is no need for us to be uncivil,鈥?the Tyrant of Helike chided me.

Akua鈥檚 head inclined towards me the slightest bit, a question asked. I replied with the ghost of a nod. If she wanted to speak, then by all means.

鈥淎 surfeit of treachery is the mark of an insecure hand,鈥?the shade casually said.

鈥淒id one of your most infamous emperors not style himself Traitorous?鈥?Kairos said.

She laughed, rather cuttingly.

鈥淭raitorous?鈥?she smiled. 鈥淥h, youth. You are barely even a Malignant.鈥?/p>

Hadn鈥檛 one of those started the War of Thirteen Tyrants and One? No, I decided, it鈥檇 been the First War of the Dead. Gods, the Praesi had had so many damned civil wars. Procer could try as it might 鈥?and most definitely had 鈥?it had a few centuries of catching up to do before it could even begin to rival the Wasteland in this regard.

鈥淭hird?鈥?Hakram asked.

鈥淪econd, of course,鈥?Akua daintily replied.

鈥淗arsh,鈥?he commented, undertone appreciative.

鈥淵ou are tamer a beast than I believed you would be, Akua Sahelian,鈥?the Tyrant of Helike said, tone friendly. 鈥淟earned to love the hand that cowed us, have we?鈥?/p>

So he鈥檇 been able to see through that, had he? I was too tired to be afraid, and not certain I would have been even if I鈥檇 been well-rested and sober. Kairos could shout this on every rooftop across Calernia, if he wanted to: he鈥檇 burned too many bridges to still be believed.

鈥淚 see now, why you so easily strike a chord with so many of them,鈥?the woman who鈥檇 been Diabolist said, offering almost fond amusement. 鈥淵ou are, in essence, a poor man鈥檚 Carrion Lord.鈥?/p>

Gods, but I鈥檇 forgotten how genuinely vicious she could be with a turn of phrase. How easy it was, now that the sharpness had been dulled and turned to teasing and bantering insult, to forget that while I was playing in the streets of Laure and skipping my lessons Akua had spent her days learning to flay the pride of others with mere sentences. To play all the deadly games of the Wasteland highborn, those beautiful and elegant monsters with eyes of gold and poisonous tongues. Kairos鈥?face tightened, imperceptibly. Were less tired, less raw, I suspected it would not have. But it did, and the woman who鈥檇 once been the Heiress saw the weakness bared.

鈥淪o eager to offer insult,鈥?Kairos said, tone friendly. 鈥淪hall we play that game, then? I know of the rules.鈥?/p>

鈥淭hen you have played poorly,鈥?Akua said, scathing. 鈥淟ook at you now, Tyrant of Very Far Away. You pretend it power that you can greet us without the greats of your League but we both know different, don鈥檛 we? It is an admission that if they see you bleed, they will turn on you like hungry wolves.鈥?/p>

鈥淎m I to take lesson from you?鈥?Kairos grinned, red-eyed and mutedly furious. 鈥淥h, that strikes me as folly.鈥?/p>

鈥淚 have seen boys like you played to death by the dozen,鈥?Akua said, almost gently. 鈥淢inds like pretty baubles of glass, thinking themselves untouchable for their sharp edges. It does not take brilliance or treachery to end the likes of you, did you know? All it takes is a thick enough boot.鈥?/p>

A flicker of power, but not in here. Outside, and familiar. Discretely I gestured at Hakram. If it was Roland, I would prefer for them to await without entering. For looking at Akua now I saw cruelty like frost, yes, but not only that: I also saw a woman lancing an old and festering wound, and of that I would not brook interruption. Adjutant quietly left the pavilion, the gargoyles following him with their eyes but neither the Tyrant not the once-Diabolist even noticing.

鈥淎nd yet you pair me to the man who called your kind to heel,鈥?Kairos idly said. 鈥淲ho took the proud High Lords of the Wasteland for mere horses to be broken in, and then proved the truth of that contempt.鈥?/p>

鈥淎 pale imitation, in truth,鈥?Akua mused. 鈥淎rmies and cleverness and parlour tricks, only without everything laudable in our man. Even made a shivering ghost, still he commanded enough loyalty for armies and pupils and companions to seek him. You? Victor and surrounded by armies, you鈥檝e ruined yourself and call it brilliance. You are alone.鈥?/p>

鈥淪o are we all,鈥?Kairos Theodosian said, and it was too harshly said for it to be pretence. 鈥淭hey beat you and fed you, Akua Sahelian, with pain and scraps of affections 鈥?until like a loyal hound you licked the cruel hand. The apprentice did to you as the teacher did to your entire people. And now you put on their masks and speak their empty creed, but that is a hollow thing isn鈥檛 it? Compared to the truths you can still feel slithering through your blood, those that whisper of greatness instead of submission.鈥?/p>

鈥淚 am more than blood,鈥?Akua Sahelian hissed. 鈥淚 am more than what I was made from. But you, Kairos Theodosian? You are the apostle of the cage, the congregant of scrapped iron. And what has that made of you, Tyrant of Least and Less? You bargain with every change of the wind, and every time find return diminished. You have run out of coin to sell yourself with. You have made an enemy of all the world, and so you no longer have place in it.鈥?/p>

鈥淚 am a droplet in the tide that will drown Creation,鈥?the Tyrant of Helike smiled, eye red like fresh blood.

鈥淵ou are yesterday,鈥?Akua said. 鈥淭hat is the sum whole of you. And scream and wail as you will, that is all you鈥檒l ever be.鈥?/p>

And, chin high and back straight, she turned. She walked out without another word and left behind her oppressive silence. I watched Kairos, and in turn he watched me. Like a furnace lit and closed, the rage could be seen glowing at the edges of him. The tent was opened a fraction, even as he continued trying to master himself.

鈥淎rcher found the Rogue and followed him here,鈥?Hakram told me in Kharsum. 鈥淏oth are fine.鈥?/p>

I inclined my head in acknowledgement without turning and the tent closed.

鈥淵ou made a deal with the Bard, while we were out there,鈥?I said, tone even.

鈥淎 greater game is in the works than you suspect,鈥?the Tyrant of Helike said. 鈥淪he is no ally of mine.鈥?/p>

鈥淭he rest I could stomach,鈥?I mildly said. 鈥淏ut the Bard? You burned a bridge with that. Still. There鈥檒l be a conference of the great powers and you鈥檒l have your seat.鈥?/p>

鈥淎s was promised,鈥?he said.

鈥淎s was promised,鈥?I agreed.

I turned and began to limp out.

鈥淲e have more to discuss, Black Queen,鈥?Kairos called out.

I glanced at him.

鈥淣o,鈥?I said. 鈥淲e don鈥檛. You want an audience? Crawl to my camp. You ought to know how, after last night.鈥?/p>

To the sounds of his anger and the chittering of gargoyles I walked out of the tent and did not look back until I鈥檇 brought my people safe to camp.