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Toaster's Handbook Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the Toaster's Handbook novel. A total of 188 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : Toaster's Handbook.by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers.PREFACE Nothing
Toaster's Handbook.by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers.PREFACE Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is expected to respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by occasion. All ideas he may ever have had on the subject melt a
- 1 Toaster's Handbook.by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers.PREFACE Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is expected to respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by occasion. All ideas he may ever have had on the subject melt a
- 2 "Pa wouldn't like it," said the boy.But the preacher a.s.sured him that he would fix it all right with his father, and urged him to take dinner before going for the hay. After dinner the boy was asked if he were not glad that he had stayed."Pa won't
- 3 The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the villain, had died to slow music.The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.He refused to appear.But the audience still insisted.Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, c
- 4 "Where did you sit?" asked the waiter."What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the window.""In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple. We always serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good advertis.e.m.e.nt
- 5 "Mother, may I go aeroplane?""Yes, my darling Mary.Tie yourself to an anchor chain And don't go near the airy."--_Judge_.Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of honor at a dinner in New York, and on the occasion his eloquent reply to a t
- 6 "Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment."Ya.s.sir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout a hundred an' ten years ole.""One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?""I don't jest
- 7 ALARM CLOCKS MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)--"I fooled yez that time. I was not aslape at all." ALERTNESS "Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of his political opponents. "Why, hes alert as a Providence brideg
- 8 AMBITION Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force people to degrade themselves by laughter?"Yes, Herford
- 9 They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first Napoleon than they do now. The emperor one day met an old one-armed veteran."How did you lose your arm?" he asked."Sire, at Austerlitz.""And were you not decorated?""No, sire.""The
- 10 ANNIVERSARIES MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?"MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get two presents."ANTIDOTES "Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to the
- 11 "Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able to master the intricacies of the deal in fish, and they were unable to get any answer."At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat the problem. The captain started off:
- 12 ART There was an old sculptor named Phidias, Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.He carved Aphrodite Without any nightie-- Which startled the purely fastidious.--_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.The friend had dropped in to see D'Auber, the great animal painter,
- 13 "Theventy-theven. Change _that_ you thucker!"AUTHORS The following is a recipe for an author: Take the usual number of fingers, Add paper, manila or white, A typewriter, plenty of postage And something or other to write.--_Life_.Oscar Wilde, upon hearin
- 14 James Oliver Curwood, a novelist, tells of a recent encounter with the law. The value of a short story he was writing depended upon a certain legal situation which he found difficult to manage. Going to a lawyer of his acquaintance he told him the plot an
- 15 "Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in.We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners.""Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours to come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tire
- 16 BACCALAUREATE SERMONS PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an honor to the family."VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going to try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon."BACTERIA There once
- 17 "They bought their tickets from scalpers, my child."The costumer came forward to attend to the nervous old beau who was mopping his bald and s.h.i.+ning poll with a big silk handkerchief."And what can I do for you?" he asked."I want a little help in
- 18 "Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a magnificent and endless bargain counter and I looking on without a cent."Newell Dwight Hillis, the now famous New York preacher and author, some years ago took charge of the First Presbyterian Chur
- 19 There was an old man with a beard, Who said, "It is just as I feared!-- Two owls and a hen, Four larks and a wren, Have all built their nests in my beard."BEAUTY If eyes were made for seeing, Then beauty is its own excuse for being.--Emerson.A thing of
- 20 Beauty is worse than wine; it intoxicates both the holder and the beholder.--_Zimmermann_.BEDS A western politician tells the following story as ill.u.s.trating the inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the country.Upon his arrival
- 21 BETTING The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting."I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can fire twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly without waiting for the marker. I'll stake a box of cigars th
- 22 At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist, five doctors were in consultation as to the best means of producing a perspiration.The sick man overheard the discussion, and, after listening for a few moments, he turned his head toward the group and
- 23 The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was pa.s.sing through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of another man, apparently in worse condition than the first one."What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?
- 24 In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in literature, the oldest.--_Bulwer-Lytton_. Learning hath gained most by those books by which the Printers have lost.--_Fuller_. Books should to one of these four ends conduce, For wisdom, piety, delight
- 25 One winter morning Henry Clay, finding himself in need of money, went to the Riggs Bank and asked for the loan of $250 on his personal note. He was told that while his credit was perfectly good, it was the inflexible rule of the bank to require an indorse
- 26 "Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and here's Father to mend it."And, sure enough, he was followed by a stolid-looking workman, who at once started to work, while the small boy took his hoop and ran off."That'll be four bits, ma'am," a
- 27 BRIDES "My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from the dumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed that theres never cream on this milk?" "I spoke to the milkman about it," she replied, "and he explained that
- 28 BUSINESS ENTERPRISE It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same block. One morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big sign--"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left--"Closing Out at Cost." Twenty minutes later there appeared
- 29 Camp life is just one canned thing after another.CANDIDATES "When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my name as a candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring parish to speak,"said Private John Allen recently to some friends at
- 30 CAREFULNESS Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to the Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. When the butler admitted him he said to Dugan: "You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just bee
- 31 But the other professor ventured the opinion that the stove was elevated to be above the window in order that cool and pure air could be had at night.The host, being of a practical turn, thought that the stove was set high in order that a good supply of g
- 32 Porter Emerson came into the office yesterday. He had been out in the country for a week and was very cheerful. Just as he was leaving, he said: "Did you hear about that man who died the other day and left all he had to the orphanage?""No," some one a
- 33 CHILD LABOR "What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!""Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yours truly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to Alabama."--_Life_.CHILDREN Two weary parents once advertised: "
- 34 While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulder from time to time and squirmed and s.h.i.+fted about in his seat. At last, unable to stand it longer, he arose and demand
- 35 CIRCUS A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late W.C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most amusing features of the show-business; the faking in the "side-show."Coup was the owner of a small circus that boast
- 36 This jogged their memories, and the cla.s.s cried in chorus: "The jawbone of an a.s.s."All work and no plagiarism makes a dull parson.Bishop Doane of Albany was at one time rector of an Episcopal church in Hartford, and Mark Twain, who occasionally atte
- 37 Upon the conclusion of his remarks he added: "I regret to inform you, brethren, that my dog, who appears to be peculiarly fond of paper, this morning ate that portion of my sermon that I have not delivered. Let us pray."After the service the clergyman w
- 38 CLUBS Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement."When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave every morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that none of its members shall marry a man who won't shave every morn
- 39 "Don't mention it, your Majesty," replied Raleigh. "It only cost two and six, and I have already sold it to an American collector for eight thousand pounds."COLLEGE GRADUATES "Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper
- 40 The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dwelt with much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all the intervening time preparing for the final examinations."The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer.
- 41 "Will not be at office to-day. Not home yesterday yet."A nervous commuter on his dark, lonely way home from the railroad station heard footsteps behind him. He had an uncomfortable feeling that he was being followed. He increased his speed. The footstep
- 42 COMPOSERS Recipe for the musical comedy composer: Librettos of all of the operas, Some shears and a bottle of paste, Curry the hits of last season, Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste.--_Life_.COMPROMISES Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny;
- 43 Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness, said: "Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can't read come to New York, just ask for d.i.c.k."CONSCIENCE The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings o
- 44 Blinker," he said. "Your face seems familiar. I fancy you have a double.And a funny thing about it is that I remember I formed a strong prejudice against the man who looks like you--although, I'm quite sure, we never met."The little guest softly laugh
- 45 "This is certainly a modern cook-book in every way.""How so?""It says: 'After mixing your bread, you can watch two reels at the movies before putting it in the oven.'"--_Puck_.There was recently presented to a newly-married young woman in Baltimor
- 46 "New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, "without the addition of such a queerly named inst.i.tution as the h.e.l.l."He smiled and added: "Is there anything quite so queerly cosmopolitan as a New York cafe? In the last one I visite
- 47 Mrs. Taft, at a diplomatic dinner, had for a neighbor a distinguished French traveler who boasted a little unduly of his nation's politeness."We French," the traveler declared, "are the politest people in the world. Every one acknowledges it. You Amer
- 48 There was an old monk of Siberia, Whose existence grew drearier and drearier; He burst from his cell With a h.e.l.l of a yell, And eloped with the Mother Superior.It was scarcely half-past nine when the rather fierce-looking father of the girl entered the
- 49 "And what did you do, Johnny?" "I didnt do nothin--I was the boy!"--_Cleveland Plain Dealer_. A negro came running down the lane as though the Old Boy were after him. "What are you running for, Mose?" called the colonel from the barn. "I aint a-run
- 50 "Well, the bell rang at 9 o'clock, and almost everyone complained that it woke them up."CURIOSITY The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and fell over th
- 51 Minister Wu made no comment at the time, but in the evening when he was a spectator at a ball given in his honor, after watching the waltzing and two-stepping for half an hour, he remarked to his host: "Why dont you make the negroes do that for you, too?
- 52 Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, and there was a b.u.mp on his small brow. But a gleam was in his eye, and he held out a baby tooth."How did you pull it?" demanded his mother."Oh," he said bravely, "it was easy enoug
- 53 DETERMINATION After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is said to have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a Democratic merchant: MERCHANT (_with a sigh_)--"Well, the old General is dead."BROKER (_with a shrug_)--"Yes, he's
- 54 An anecdote about Dr. Randall Davidson, bishop of Winchester, is that after an ecclesiastical function, as the clergy were trooping in to luncheon, an unctuous archdeacon observed: "This is the time to put a bridle on our appet.i.tes!""Yes," replied t
- 55 There was one man who had a reputation for being even tempered. He was always cross.DISTANCES A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day and the men, longing f
- 56 "The man's name was Partridge, of course, and because of that the dog came to a set. Ho, ho! Come again!""You're mistaken," rejoined the other suavely. "The dog didn't come quite to a set, though almost. As a matter of fact, the man's name was Qu
- 57 "The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, which was for his wife's ears alone, consisted of these words: "'Well, you would come!'"Nat Goodwin, the American comedian, when at the Shaftesbury Theatre, London, told of an experience he once had w
- 58 A well-known Scottish architect was traveling in Palestine recently, when news reached him of an addition to his family circle. The happy father immediately provided himself with some water from the Jordan to carry home for the christening of the infant,
- 59 A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking most vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a near-by policeman."What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one."Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply
- 60 An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some other person's expenses.Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some day, want something which you probably won't want.--_Anthony Hope_.Economy is a way of
- 61 John D. Rockefeller tells this story on himself: "Golfing one bright winter day I had for caddie a boy who didn't know me."An unfortunate stroke landed me in clump of high gra.s.s."'My, my,' I said, 'what am I to do now?'"'See that there tree?'
- 62 He lifted his hat, stepped into the cab, and was whirled away.The evening callers were chatting gaily with the Kinterbys when a patter of little feet was heard from the head of the stairs. Mrs. Kinterby raised her hand, warning the others to silence."Hus
- 63 "'Move that train on!' sputtered the little 'super.' 'Get it off the crossing so people can pa.s.s. Move on, I say!'"The brakeman surveyed the tempestuous little man from head to foot.'You go to the deuce, you little shrimp,' he replied. 'You'
- 64 "Here lies Susan, beloved wife of John Smith; also Jane, beloved wife of John Smith; also Mary, beloved wife of John Smith--"He paused abruptly, and the bride, leaning forward to see the bottom line, read, to her horror: "Be Ye Also Ready."A man wishe
- 65 "Why in the world--""He's my husband, and I should like to use it on him some time."EQUALITY As one of the White Star steams.h.i.+ps came up New York harbor the other day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. "Clear out of the way
- 66 "Tart, what?" he queried kindly.But Tommy's eyes were glued on the pastry."Tart, what?" asked the father again, sharply this time."Tart, first," answered Tommy triumphantly.TOMMY'S AUNT--"Won't you have another piece of cake, Tommy?"TOMMY (on a
- 67 _See also_ Courts; Witnesses.EXAMINATIONS An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacred history, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was not, for G.o.d took him." So many times was this repeated in connection with the
- 68 The wife of a Prime Minister is called a Primate.The Greeks were too thickly populated to be comfortable.The American war was started because the people would persist in sending their parcels thru the post without stamps.Prince William was drowned in a b.
- 69 O. Henry always retained the whimsical sense of humor which made him quickly famous. Shortly before his death he called on the cas.h.i.+er of a New York publis.h.i.+ng house, after vainly writing several times for a check which had been promised as an adv
- 70 His listeners--with one exception, who sat silent and reflective--gave vent to loud murmurs of wonder and admiration."Now, it may sound thin," added the speaker, "but it is true, nevertheless.""Oh, I don't doubt it at all!" quickly rejoined the qui
- 71 Were not this desire of fame very strong, the difficulty of obtaining it, and the danger of losing it when obtained, would be sufficient to deter a man from so vain a pursuit.--_Addison_.FAMILIES "Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of
- 72 FATHERS A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history.Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it represented. Baby answered "Coty.
- 73 The master-secret in fighting is to strike once, but in the right place.--_John C. Snaith_.FINANCE Willie had a savings bank; 'Twas made of painted tin.He pa.s.sed it 'round among the boys, Who put their pennies in.Then Willie wrecked that bank and boug
- 74 The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, "so please come at once.""I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor."Oh please do, Doctor. You see, my wif
- 75 As no man is born an artist, so no man is born an angler.--_Izaak Walton_.FIs.h.i.+NG A man was telling some friends about a proposed fis.h.i.+ng trip to a lake in Colorado which he had in contemplation."Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend.
- 76 FLIES _See_ Pure food.FLIRTATION It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is attention without intention."There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle.""Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in for
- 77 FORDS A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a Ford automobile. A playmate pa.s.sed him, looked at his position, then sang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other skate?"A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb stan
- 78 MAUDE--"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love a girl like that?"JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?""Yes," said the
- 79 "Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a bad man, is the good man bad because he keeps company with the bad man, and is the bad man good because he keeps company with the good man?"--_Punch_.Here's champagne to our real friends.And real pain t
- 80 There was an old man in a hea.r.s.e, Who murmured, "This might have been worse; Of course the expense Is simply immense, But it doesn't come out of my purse."FURNITURE GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?"HOST--"Five hund
- 81 The old rebel smiled grimly. "Because," he replied, "you're the first Yank I ever saw trimmed up just to suit me."At dinner one day, it was noticed that a small daughter of the minister was putting aside all the choice pieces of chicken and her fathe
- 82 "Yes, Father," answered the daughter."What did he say?" asked Robson."He didn't say anything," replied Miss Felicia, "but he shed tears.""How long did he cry?""Why Father, I didn't time him. I should say, however, that he wept fully a minute.
- 83 GOOD FELLOWs.h.i.+P A gla.s.s is good, a la.s.s is good, And a pipe to smoke in cold weather, The world is good and the people are good, And we're all good fellows together.May good humor preside when good fellows meet, And reason prescribe when'tis tim
- 84 GOVERNORS The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governor solemnly throughout the repast.Finally t
- 85 "Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does it. First she gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a specially beautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his people round him and says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the
- 86 HADES _See_ Future life.HAPPINESS Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school question: "The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on the schoolbo
- 87 "Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were talking about musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as distinctly as could be."The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herself appeared. They carried their c
- 88 MR. Sc.r.a.pER--"I reckon I am."MR. HENPECK--"Shake! You're a hero."Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody.--_Emerson_.HIGH COST OF LIVING _See_ Cost of living.HINTING Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and b.u.t.t
- 89 HONOR In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried: "All tickets, please!"Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned t
- 90 "You have a pretty place here, John," remarked the guest on the morning of his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet.""Oh, that's because the trees are so young," answered the host comfortably. "I hope they'l
- 91 "Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman."Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."NEIGHBOR--"I s&#
- 92 _See also_ Cowards; Domestic finance.HYBRIDIZATION We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimen
- 93 "Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!" "Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights." "Is the baby strong?" "Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?" "Yes." &quo
- 94 But the agent interrupted him curtly."Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."INSURANCE BLANKS _See_ Irish bulls.INSURGENTS "And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call tha
- 95 A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, said sharply: "John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do.Come up here and let me give you some work."A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered th
- 96 There were three young women of Birmingham, And I know a sad story concerning 'em: They stuck needles and pins In the reverend s.h.i.+ns Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.--_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new
- 97 "I ne'er forget a joke I have Once heard!" Augustus cried."And neither do you let your friends Forget it!" Jane replied.--_Childe Harold_.A negro bricklayer in Macon, Georgia, was lying down during the noon hour, sleeping in the h
- 98 A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish.An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the interpreter."What does he say?" demanded his lords.h.i.+p."Nothing, my lord," was the reply
- 99 An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As they crossed a street, the husband held out his hand and said, "Gimme that basket, Hannah."The poor old
- 100 "I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then he had a fit."There was an old maiden from Fife, Who had never been kissed in her life; Along came a cat; And she said, "I'll kiss that!"But the cat answer