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More Toasts Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the More Toasts novel. A total of 217 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : More Toasts.Edited by Marion Dix Mosher.PREFACE The success of the Toaster's Handbo
More Toasts.Edited by Marion Dix Mosher.PREFACE The success of the Toaster's Handbook has encouraged its publishers to compile another that will supplement it and bring it up-to-date. New subjects keep coming to the front, and the up-to-date toaster
- 217 "Yes," replied the patient yet firm woman. "I had to resign. n.o.body worried about who was going to fix up the sandwiches and salad and freeze the ice cream, but me. So I decided I was just a born worrier and was out of my cla.s.s." Y
- 216 7. Because men are men and women are women. We must not fly in the face of nature.8. Because pockets have been used by men to carry tobacco, pipes, whisky flasks, chewing-gum, and compromising letters, we see no reason to suppose that women would use them
- 215 "Recite an instance, please," put in the dainty little teacher of domestic science."If a woman loses a st.i.tch, she'll unravel a ball of yarn trying to find it.""That's nothing, compared with what a man will do," s
- 214 A woman lives by intuition.Though my accountant shuns addition She has the rarest intuition.(And I myself can do addition.) Timidity in girls is nice.My cook is so afraid of mice.Now you'll admit it's very nice To feel your cook's afraid of
- 213 "Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?""No.""Will you be my wife?""What's Blinks going to do with his new noiseless typewriter?""If he takes my advice he'll marry her."--
- 212 The day was drawing to a close. Judge, jurors, witnesses, and lawyers all were growing weary. Counsel for the prosecution was cross-examining the defendant."Exactly how far is it between the two towns?" he asked at length.For some time Paddy sto
- 211 WELSH Admittedly this may be an old story, but it has the distinction of possessing a new twist at the end.A person died. He willed all his earthly possessions to be divided among an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman. But the will was conditional; e
- 210 BENNETT--"My, Storer must be rich."JONES--"How so?"BENNETT--"He was cleaning his mother's windows with gold dust in the water."WEATHER A Salina man tells this as happening to him. Early in the morning one winter's d
- 209 In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries. In a recent election the local option question was up. After the election the clerks were counting the votes. One was calling off and another taking down the option votes. The first clerk, running
- 208 A vocation is something you do for a living, an avocation something you do for a while, a vacation something you couldn't stick at very long without being dead broke and dead tired.JUDGE--"Six months!"COS COB CON--"Ah, wot a relief! No
- 207 TRENCHES CHEERFUL ONE (to newcomer, on being asked what the trenches are like)--"If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer keeps down yer gets drowned; if yer moves about yer gets sh.e.l.led; and if yer stands still yer gets court-martialed for frost-bite.
- 206 TRADE When they beat their swords into plowshares, the next move is to beat their compet.i.tors into foreign markets. TRADE MARKS Most of the wrinkles in a business mans face are trademarks. TRADE UNIONS TEACHER--"If a man gets four dollars for working e
- 205 TIME _Time's Prisoner_ I am content with Now, whate'er befall, Whether I will or no, Today is all; No matter whether swift or slow my tread I find tomorrow still a day ahead; I cannot overtake eternity-- It turns to time and slips away from me, And in l
- 204 THIEVES He was a very small boy, and the apples he was eyeing were very large.He eyed them for ten minutes, longingly and furtively, while the greengrocer bustled about serving customers. Now he edged near the tempting basket. Now he edged away again. And
- 203 THE WAITER--"Maybe you did, sir. But that was only by an act of Providence."A temperance lecturer was enthusiastically denouncing the use of all intoxicants."I wish all the beer, all the wine, all the whiskey in the world was at the bottom of the ocean
- 202 TELEPHONE The editor of The j.a.pan Times says the telephone service in j.a.pan is utterly bad. He wonders "what Job would have done had he lived in Tokyo and wanted to telephone to the specialist on boils." He concludes with the following incident: "A
- 201 You raise a Crop, they fine you for it!TEACHERS FATHER (meaningly)--"Who is the laziest member of your cla.s.s, Tommy?"TOMMY--"I don't know, pa."FATHER--"I should think you should know. When all the others are industriously studying or writing their
- 200 In due time the report was returned with these words after the father's signature, "You ought to hear his mother."_Just Suppose_ If all that we say In a single day, With never a word left out, Were printed each night In clear black and white, 'Twould
- 199 SYNONYMS TEACHER--"Hawkins, what is a synonym?"HAWKINS--"Please, sir, it's a word you use in place of another when you cannot spell the other one."TACT "I must say these are fine biscuits!" exclaimed the young husband."How could you say those are
- 198 BOY--"I dont know. Youd better ask him. Thats him a little farther up the stream." FOND MOTHER--"Oh, Reginald! Reginald! I thought I told you not to play with your soldiers on Sunday." REGINALD--"But I call them the Salvation Army on Sunday." "Hele
- 197 "How is your little brother, Johnny?""Sick abed. He hurt himself.""That's too bad. How did he do it?""We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won."_See also_ Determination.SUITORS The
- 196 _He Must Dig_ He wanted a job, and, like every one else, He wanted a good one, you know; Where his clothes would not soil and his hands would keep clean, And the salary must'nt be low.He asked for a pen; but they gave him a spade, And he half turned
- 195 REDDY BACKROW (whose father belongs to the union)--"You'd have the durndest strike on your hands you ever saw, teacher.""Everybody's striking,"Said the Old Clock on the shelf; "It seems to be the fas.h.i.+on.So I think I
- 194 "S-c, S-c--er--er--er--- Tell him I'll meet him in Albany."Stenographers can nod sometimes, even with the accuracy of the dictating machine. Recently a merchant dictating into one of these machines said: "The gentleman in question has
- 193 WILLIS--"Come with me. I've got two extras."GILLIS--"Who are they?"WILLIS--"Miss Oldbud and Miss Pa.s.se."GILLIS--"They're not extras. They're early editions.""I'm glad Billy had the sense t
- 192 The boss chuckled, "Good. Now let me hear you spell 'essential.'"The fair girl hesitated for the fraction of a second."There are three ways," she replied. "Which do you prefer?"And she got the job.JONES--"'
- 191 "My wife watches the sugar market closely.""Speculating?""In a small way. She borrows when it's high and pays back when it's low."The old millionaire and his beautiful bride, after their quiet wedding, had a quiet w
- 190 When Peter comes his card to read-- Hell take the sign "No smoking" down, Then Heaven will be Heaven indeed. --_Oliver Herford_. Sn.o.bBERY A well-known society performer volunteered to entertain a roomful of patients of the Colney Hatch Lunatic
- 189 The little fellow listened intently, and as his mother finished he looked up at her gravely and said: "No, no, mother; you talk exactly the way you did last week when you took me to the dentist to have the tooth pulled."This a sacred rule we fin
- 188 "Movie theater sign: "'Watch Your Wife'Every Night This Week."--_Albany Argus_."Sign in front of Harlem movie theater: "'Mother, I Need You for Three Days Beginning Nov. 30'.""Sign in front of movie h
- 187 "Eight, sir," replied the grocer."T-t-t-tough or t-t-tender?""Some are tender and some tough," was the reply."I k-keep b-b-b-boarders," said the new customer. "P-pick out the four t-toughest t-t-turkeys, if you
- 186 "But I thought I saw one in your kitchen?""Oh, we have servants on the premises a day or two at a time; but we don't keep them."FIRST MAID (bragging about a party given the day before by her mistress)--"And they all came in l
- 185 "Does your family have any trouble with servants?""No," replied Mr. Crosslots; "I don't believe any of them stay around the place long enough to become really troublesome."Two nurse-maids were wheeling their infant charg
- 184 SENTRIES _See_ Armies.SERMONS _See_ Preaching.SERVANTS MISTRESS--"Bridget, I'm tired of your carelessness. Only look at that dust on the furniture. It's six weeks old at the very least."BRIDGET--"Shure, it's no fault av moine
- 183 "Yes, sir," said the trust magnate, proudly, "I am the architect of my own fortune.""Well," rejoined the friendly critic, "all I've got to say is that it's a lucky thing for you there were no building inspector
- 182 SEASICKNESS "My dear old fellow! What's the matter? The sea's like a duck-pond!""I know, old boy--but I've taken six--different--remedies."--_Punch_.The Chief Justice while presiding over the Supreme Court at Was.h.i.+ng
- 181 There is no real suffering in Mexico now, except that of the schoolboy who is trying to learn the dates of all the revolutions.CRABSHAW--"Why do you wish to leave school and go to work when you're so young?"WILLIE--"It's this way,
- 180 "Fine," beamed the agent. Manufacturer reached for the "good-business" cigars. "How fine?" "Got two good orders," the agent said. "Ah-ha," grinned the boss. "Who were they from?" "One,"
- 179 Income--something paid to you for what your father did."How do you know that Blinks has had a raise in salary?""He argues that the world is getting better; that the danger from monopolies has been greatly magnified, and that human nature is
- 178 ROADS "How are the roads in this section?" "Fine," replied Farmer Corntossel. "We've abolished bad roads." "Big job, wasn't it?" "Not at all. Wherever the going is 'specially hard we don't c
- 177 "We don't give no saucers here. If we did some low-brow'd come pilin'in an' drink out of his saucer, an' we'd lose a lot of our swellest trade.""Do you want a steak for a dollar or a dollar and a half?" de
- 176 "Well, I guess that was a busy week for the shepherds watching their flocks!"Once in a while the choirs do get back at the minister, as, for example, in a Connecticut church the other Sunday morning. The minister announced, just after the choir
- 175 The big man with the I-know-it-all expression sneeringly watched the little man who was eating from a sack of peanuts."Down where I come from we use peanuts to fatten hogs," remarked the big man."That so?" asked the little man. "H
- 174 Dr. Lyman P. Powell gives some examples of the lengths to which petty bitterness between sects will sometimes carry men. "A visitor in a certain town which had four churches and adequately supported none, asked a pillar of one poor dying church,
- 173 "'How do you know ours will be the winning side?' asked a prospective recruit."'Well, my lad,' said the sergeant, 'you know the Germans have been trying for more than a year and a half to win and have failed, don't
- 172 "It is very strange that no one has ever been able to find Captain Kidd's treasure.""Oh, well, Captain Kidd isn't the only man who has put his money into real estate and couldn't get it out."REAL ESTATE AGENTS STEVE--&qu
- 171 "The newspapers and th' legislatures."An old Cornish woman who had never before traveled by rail went to a country station to catch a train. She sat herself down on a seat in the station, and after sitting there for about two hours, the sta
- 170 "You understand your duties thoroughly, dont you?" she said to the new footman. "Yes, maam, certainly, maam." "And you know your way to announce?" "Well, maam, I shouldnt perhaps like to go quite so far as that, but I th
- 169 VISITOR (comforting Tommy, who has upset a bottle of ink on the new carpet)--"Never mind, my boy; no use to cry over spilled milk."TOMMY (indignantly)--"Any dunce would know that. If it's milk that's spilled all you have to do is
- 168 PUNCTUALITY _Epitaph for Any New Yorker_ I, who all my life had hurried, Came to Peter's crowded gate; And, as usual, was worried, Fearing that I might be late So, when I began to jostle (I forgot that I was dead) Patient smiled the old Apostle: &quo
- 167 GUEST--"Who is the next speaker?"CHAIRMAN--"Before telling you who he is, I would rather wait until you come back."--_Life_.William Lyon Phelps, professor of English Literature at Yale, declares he gets credit for only 25 per cent of t
- 166 A small boy seated on the curb by a telephone-pole, with a tin can by his side, attracted the attention of an old gentleman who happened to be pa.s.sing."Going fis.h.i.+ng?" he inquired, good-naturedly."Nope," the youngster replied. &q
- 165 "Has it?" responded Gladys, without showing any great concern."Yes," answered John Henry, "and they say they are also advancing house rents, while sugar--""Look here, John Henry!" suddenly interjected the fair one,
- 164 "Well, that's right, anyhow. H--hn--hnh--_hrahnhss_!""You'd better go to Arizona! You'll _never_ get well here! I don't believe you, anyway. Everybody says _Reems_.""They don't, either!""They do
- 163 BLUCK--"Why do vessels leaving New York make the greatest speed the first three miles?"BLYNK--"The bartenders help stoke.""Do you find that prohibition has deprest Crimson Gulch?""No," answered Cactus Joe. "We&
- 162 "No, sah, Ah doan't neber ride on dem things," said an old colored lady looking in on the merry-go-round. "Why, de other day I seen dat Rastus Johnson git on an' ride as much as a dollah's worth an' git off at the very s
- 161 PROFANITY When father came home to dinner he observed a vacant chair at the table. "Where's the boy?" he asked, nodding to the chair."Harry is up-stairs," came in a tone of painful precision from the mother."I hope he is not
- 160 PRETENSION Pretension is a kind of velvet cloak I wear to hide my real self from view, And yet where'er I meet with other folk I always find they wear this garment too.Pretension is a kind of golden veil Behind whose mesh I seek to hide my face, And
- 159 "I say, have we got to listen to this?"The minister, surprised and confused, turned to the keeper and said: "Shall I stop speaking?"The keeper replied: "No, no; gang along, gang along; that will not happen again. That man only has
- 158 SMALL YOUTH--"I ain't goin' to say my prayers tonight, mother. I'm goin' to take a chance."--_Life_.Bobby had been taught to remember all his relatives when he said his prayers. One night, as he knelt at his mother's kne
- 157 "He never has to give the excuse that he has left his music home and can't play without his notes."The love of praise, howe'er conceal'd by art, Reigns, more or less, and glows, in ev'ry heart: The proud, to gain it, toils on
- 156 YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Father, what is a traitor in politics?"VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one."YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Well, then, what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to y
- 155 The farmer's eyes twinkled as he slowly drawled: "Waal, I reckon I do.He's in the house now, holding the baby."--_Everybody's_."Some of your const.i.tuents are disagreeing with you," said the trusted lieutenant."Wel
- 154 Politeness is the art of getting what you want.MRS. SMITH--"Politeness costs nothing, I am sure, my dear."SMITH--"No; but if it was advertised at $1.98, a lot more people would have it.""Hum, ho!" sighed the New-Hamps.h.i.+re
- 153 CENTRAL--"But this is a long-distance call."PLEASURE Pleasures are like liqueurs: they must be drunk but in small gla.s.ses.--_Romainville_.POETRY EDITOR--"This isn't poetry, my dear man; it's merely an escape of gas."WOULD-B
- 152 Nothing to do but work, Nothing to eat but food, Nothing to wear but clothes, To keep one from going nude. Nothing to breathe but air, Quick as a flash tis gone; Nowhere to fall but off, Nowhere to stand but on. Nothing to comb but hair, Nowhere to sleep
- 151 PENMANs.h.i.+P Mr. Brown had just registered and was about to turn away when the clerk asked: "Beg pardon, but what is your name?""Name!" echoed the indignant guest. "Don't you see my signature there on the register?"&qu
- 150 "I just happened to remember that I neglected to lock the safe before I left the office," he replied."Why worry?" said another member of the firm. "We are all here.""I'll clean th' snow off yer walk for a quart
- 149 _When Ma Is Sick_ When Ma is sick she pegs away; She's quiet, though; not much t' say.She goes right on a-doin' things, An' sometimes laughs and even sings.She says she don't feel extra well.But then it's just a kind o'
- 148 Finally, I say, cheer up. Let's look on the bright side rather than the dark side, and above all let us understand that there are no insurmountable obstacles standing in the path of our progress, that we are competent to solve the things that confron
- 147 "There goes a fellow who chased around for years trying to land a political job.""Well, what does he do now?""Nothing--he's got the job."Uncle Mose aspired to the elective office of justice of the peace in the "blac
- 146 OFFICE BOY--"Gee whiz: Am I expected to do the work and find it, too?"A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of lecturing his office staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, the office boy, comes in for his full share of the
- 145 "What shall we say of the former Senator?" asked one of the men."Oh, just put down that he was always faithful to his trust.""And," queried a cynical member of the group, "shall we mention the name of the trust?"--_
- 144 "How many revolutions does the earth make in a day? Its your turn, Willie Smith." "You cant tell, teacher, till you see the morning paper." _See also_ Editors. "NO" No is one of the smallest words in the English language, and
- 143 It stood on tiptoe, eyes aglow, It stared, and turned to whisper low Of wonders such as seldom pa.s.s That way. What swayed the living ma.s.s?What marvel from the fabled isles That drew the eye from Paris styles?A street car left the track perhaps?Two boo
- 142 It chanced that the minister came along. Going up to Moses, he demanded harshly, "Moses, do you know the Ten Commandments?"Moses scratched his chin for a moment, and then, in an equally harsh voice, said: "Parson, yo' don't think
- 141 "Yes, yes"-- "But she married a Frenchman"-- "Yes.""In Italy.""Yes; but where were you born?""I was born on a s.h.i.+p flying Spanish colors while she was lying at anchor in Honolulu Harbor, but my pa
- 140 William Williams hated nicknames. He used to say that most fine given names were ruined by abbreviations, which was a sin and a shame. "I myself," he said, "am one of six brothers. We were all given good, old-fas.h.i.+oned Christian names,
- 139 "We sell piano music by the pound and organ music by the choir.""Samantha, what's thet chune the orchestry's a-playin' now?""The program says its 'Choppin', Hiram.""Waal--mebbe--but ter me it sou
- 138 "No, suh, jes' bit _at_ me."No, suh, I ain't tickle de laigs."I tickle um las' year, suh, once."Yas, suh, we twis' 'er tail."No, suh, I ain' done it."Who done it?"I t'ink he's li&#
- 137 PROMOTER--"I have here a scheme for revamping old films."MANAGER--"Beat it! I'm too busy refilming old vamps."An old couple from the country wandered into a moving picture show in town. As they entered a cow-boy picture was being
- 136 She's what put clothes and shoes on you.She keeps care of you.She's who's good to you.She's your creator.She's what's dead on to me.Best composite portrait of a mother ever painted._Mother_ She loves me in spite of my faults;
- 135 TOMORROW--"What do we care for prices? We haven't any money!""You know," Biggs, the confirmed alarmist, declared impressively, "it's getting so that it is positively dangerous for a man to carry around a good-sized roll
- 134 Amos Whittaker, a miserly millionaire, was approached by a friend who used his most persuasive powers to have him dress more in accordance with his station in life."I am surprised, Amos," said the friend "that you should allow yourself to b
- 133 CAPTAIN (speaking to raw recruit trying to drill)--"What was your occupation before entering the army?"ROOKIE--"Traveling salesman, sir."CAPTAIN--"Stick around; you'll get plenty of orders here."MILK "You are charge
- 132 "The man who said that, step forward," was the immediate command. The entire company stepped out and repeated the quotation.The lieutenant looked up and down the line. "Dismissed," he announced shortly.The men thought they had gotten t
- 131 _See also_ Husbands. METHODISTS He came of good Methodist stock and they were telling him about the disciples. They told him quite a lot about them, and somehow he didnt seem quite satisfied. At last he voiced his trouble: "But were they all Disciple
- 130 "What are the directions?""Keep the bottle tightly corked."MEMORY Most of us forget to remember; it is harder, far, to remember to forget. And the more one endeavors to forget, the more memory insists."So you really think your mem
- 129 "No, dear," replied he; "that is a pleasure I have yet in antic.i.p.ation." A man of perhaps 55, wearing a rough peajacket, showing glimpses of a soiled pink silk s.h.i.+rt, with a rubber collar, approached and in confiding tones asked
- 128 "And young?" interrupted the lady."Yes, and very rich."The beautiful lady grasped the fortune teller's hands and pressed them hard."Thank you," she said. "Now tell me one thing more. How shall I get rid of my presen
- 127 FORTUNE-TELLER--"You wish to know about your future husband?"CUSTOMER--"No; I wish to know about the past of my present husband for future use.""Do you act toward your wife as you did before you married her?""Exactly. I
- 126 Henry drove in a nail on the left. This done, he also drove one in the wall on the right."Why are you driving that second nail?" asked Mr. Killifer."Why, boss, dat's to save me de trouble of bringin' de ladder tomorrow when you co
- 125 "Oh, to give a touch of realism;--we are now preparing our great Midsummer Fiction Number," was the great editor's kindly reply.--_E.C.H_.MAJORITY "You don't mean to tell me you ever doubt the wisdom of the majority?""We
- 124 Do you know why the rabbits are caught in the snare Or the tabby cat's shot on the tiles?Why the tigers and lions creep out of their lair?Why an ostrich will travel for miles?Do you know why a sane man will whimper and cry And weep o'er a ribbon
- 123 "Hiram writes that the first day he was in London he lost 12.""Great Caesar's ghost! Ain't they got any health laws in that town?"LOST AND FOUND OLD GENTLEMAN (in street car)--"Has anyone here dropped a roll of bills, wi
- 122 _Life Is No Problem_ Life is no problem to the heart That understands itself, That does not sit above, apart Upon some higher shelf.And moralize on destiny And other things obscure, But has no more philosophy Than changeless love and pure.Life is no probl
- 121 But tell me, do you libr'yites Believe in fairies too?--_H.I.B. in the Use of Print_.A certain woman who came in to take out a card, upon being told she must give the name of a friend as reference said, "Why, I have no friends. I was a librarian
- 120 LIBERTY BONDS "We accept Liberty Bonds at their full value for all goods."Thus reads a placard in the window of a wholesale liquor house. We have often wondered what the height of damphoolishness might be, having tried various things, but there
- 119 LEGISLATION "Have you made any resolutions or turned over a new leaf or anything like that?""No," replied the man with the serene smile. "No need of them. If I have any lingering vices I feel that I need only wait for somebody to
- 118 _See also_ Judges.LAZINESS "I was in need of help to harvest my prune crop," said the grower, "and I went to a saloon in a near-by city. On entering the place I accosted the barkeeper, and asked him if any of the men lounging about the plac