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The Wit and Humor of America Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the The Wit and Humor of America novel. A total of 282 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : The Wit and Humor of America.Volume I.by Various.Volume I.FOREWORD EMBODYING A FEW REMAR
The Wit and Humor of America.Volume I.by Various.Volume I.FOREWORD EMBODYING A FEW REMARKS ON THE GENTLE ART OF LAUGH-MAKING.BY MARSHALL P. WILDER.Happiness and laughter are two of the most beautiful things in the world, for they are of the few that are p
- 282 "So am I," said the Idiot. "But such happiness.""Well, what's it all got to do with Leap Year, anyhow?" asked the Bibliomaniac."Nothing at all, except that it proves that girls aren't fitted really to choose th
- 281 He loved the luscious hic-haec-hock, And bet on games and equi; At times he won; at others, though, He got it in the nequi; He winked (quo usque tandem?) At puellas on the Forum, And sometimes even made Those goo-goo oculorum!He frequently was seen At com
- 280 In caucus or convention, in village or in town: "Who openeth a jackpot may not always rake it down."DUM VIVIMUS VIGILAMUS BY JOHN PAUL Turn out more ale, turn up the light; I will not go to bed to-night.Of all the foes that man should dread The
- 279 He held there and he kicked there and he squirmed, but no one come; He was workin' on the roof alone--there war'n't no folks around-- He hung like death to n.i.g.g.e.rs till his jaw was set and numb, And he reely thought he'd have to d
- 278 "How very interesting! Do you know, we came to-night just to see if you would be there. You--you staggered us, the other evening. We were glad when you didn't appear--if you won't misunderstand. It is so unexpected, in this environment. I s
- 277 "Mother," said Dora firmly, "we have done with parties forever and ever.No one likes us nor wants to dance with us, and we can't stand it any more.""Miss Browne still wants us to come there and teach," Cora added, her vo
- 276 "We--we do appreciate it, mother," urged Cora, unhappily."But we aren't howling successes at parties," Dora added."Nonsense! You have partners to spare." Mrs. Baldwin was plainly angry."No child of mine was ever a w
- 275 De screech owl screech f'um de ol' barn lof'; "You drinked yo' dram sence you done swear off; En you gwine de way Whar' de sinners stay, En Satan gwine ter roas' you at de Jedgmint Day!"Den de ol' ha'nt sa
- 274 The man started to his feet."Do you see that?" he cried, holding his revolver under her nose. "Look right into that gun! We'll have no more fooling. It'll be your last look if you don't tell me where that money is before I co
- 273 Every night of her nearly thirty years of existence this pretty little person had stooped on her knees, before saying her prayers, and had investigated the s.p.a.ce beneath her bed, a light bra.s.s affair, hung with a chintz valance; had then peered benea
- 272 "So I beg you dake it easy If on de raw I touch, Vhen I say I can't apide de sound Of your groontin, s.h.i.+-s.h.i.+ng Dutch.Should I in the Legisladure As your slumgullion shtand, I'll have a bill forbidding Dutch Troo all dis 'versal land."Should a
- 271 "I might as well tell you now, pardner," said the Kid, sliding down low on his steamer chair, "that things are going to stay just as they are.They're about right now.""What do you mean?" asked Thacker, rattling the bottom of his gla.s.s on his desk
- 270 "You got a deal of some kind to put through?" asked the Texan, with unexpected shrewdness."Are you open to a proposition?" said Thacker."What's the use to deny it?" said the Kid. "I got into a little gun frolic down in Laredo and plugged a white m
- 269 was the reply, "it's you--my name's John Ward--see, I've got it written here on a card." Consequently, the first speaker sung out, "Here!" and it was all right. As I was saying, I have been keeping an eye on that court, and I have arrived at the co
- 268 LAWYER.--"What do you mean by such language as that? When you say that the plaintiff suddenly approached the defendant, who was silent at the time, and 'busted him in the snoot,' do you mean that the plaintiff struck the defendant?"WITNESS.--"That's
- 267 Shall we meet again, love, In the distant When, love, When the Now is Then, love, And the Present Past?Shall the mystic Yonder, On which I ponder, I sadly wonder, With thee be cast?Ah, the joyless fleeting Of our primal meeting, And the fateful greeting O
- 266 Always a-huntin' fer "signs"; Says it's "spirits" 'at's good, or mean, If the wind jest shakes the vines!I always feel skeery w'en gran'ma's aroun'-- An' think 'at I see things, an' jump at each soun': "Oh, dear! Oh, my!I'm certain 'at
- 265 HEZEKIAH BEDOTT'S OPINION BY FRANCES M. WHICHER He was a wonderful hand to moralize, husband was, 'specially after he begun to enjoy poor health. He made an observation once when he was in one of his poor turns, that I never shall forget the longest day
- 264 FOOTNOTES: [4] Lippincott's Magazine.MISTER RABBIT'S LOVE AFFAIR BY FRANK L. STANTON One day w'en Mister Rabbit wuz a-settin' in de gra.s.s He see Miss Mary comin', en he wouldn't let her pa.s.s, Kaze he know she lookin' purty in de river lookin'g
- 263 A s.h.i.+NING MARK BY IRONQUILL A man came here from Idaho, With lots of mining stock.He brought along as specimens A lot of mining rock.The stock was worth a cent a pound If stacked up in a pile.The rock was worth a dollar and A half per cubic mile.We pl
- 262 WINTER JOYS BY EUGENE FIELD A man stood on the bathroom floor, While raged the storm without, One hand was on the water valve, The other on the spout.He fiercely tried to turn the plug, But all in vain he tried, "I see it all, I am betrayed, The wate
- 261 "I can tell fortunes. I'm extremely good at it," he boasted. "I'll tell you yours.""Oh, very well," she a.s.sented, sitting down again: and guilelessly she pulled off her glove.He took her hand, a beautifully slende
- 260 Tell me the first syllable of your name. Then the rest will come with a rush.""My name is Matilda Muggins.""I've a great mind to punish your untruthfulness by pretending to believe you," said he. "Have you really got a h
- 259 "In that particular they're curiously like the aristocracy, aren't they?" said she. "By-the-bye, when are you going to publish another book of poems?""Apropos of bad literature?""Not altogether bad. I rather li
- 258 "It's the type, all the same," said he. "Just as the imitation marionette is the type of English breeding.""The imitation marionette? I'm afraid I don't follow," she confessed."The imitation marionettes. Y
- 257 "Ah," said the mandarin."Yes," she went on. "The marriage was annulled, and the child declared illegitimate. Ernest Augustus, as the duke was somewhat inconsequently named, married again, and had other children, the eldest of whom
- 256 "That thing in your lap.""My fan?""I expect you'd call it a fan.""For goodness' sake, what would _you_ call it?" cried she."I should call it a fan."She gave another little laugh. "You have a
- 255 UNSATISFIED YEARNING BY R. K. MUNKITTRICK Down in the silent hallway Scampers the dog about, And whines, and barks, and scratches, In order to get out.Once in the glittering starlight, He straightway doth begin To set up a doleful howling In order to get
- 254 I had not intended entering the hen yard, and I did not wish to stay there, so I kept on out, the wire netting not being what an automobile would call an obstruction. I never lose my head, and when I heard Araminta screaming in the barn, I called out chee
- 253 SETTIN' BY THE FIRE BY FRANK L. STANTON Never much on stirrin' roun'(Sich warn't his desire), Allers certain to be foun'Settin' by the fire.When the frost wuz comin' down-- Col' win' creepin' nigher, Spent
- 252 The Wit and Humor of America.Volume X.TROUBLE-PROOF[1]BY EDWIN L. SABIN Never rains where Jim is-- People kickin', whinin'; He goes round insistin',-- "Sun is _almost_ s.h.i.+nin'!"Never's hot where Jim is-- When the tow
- 251 An' he wanted to know w'y some folks wuz good, An' some folks wuz mean, W'y some folks wuz middlin' an' some folks wuz fat, An' some folks wuz lean, An' some folks were very learned an' wise, An' some folk
- 250 Then they tied a string of sleigh-bells to his tail, and hit him a smart, stinging blow with a black snake.Probably that was what suggested to him the idea of strolling down the beach, past the sentry, and on toward the fort. The darkness of the night, th
- 249 "Good!" said Hasbrouck, when the "Jimaboy Column" in the Sunday paper began to be commented on and quoted; and he made Jimaboy an offer that seemed like sudden affluence.But the crowning triumph came still later, in a letter from the e
- 248 "Blest if I don't believe we could actually fake the thing through if we should try," said Jimaboy. "There are plenty of people in this world who would take it seriously.""I don't doubt it," was Isobel's reply.
- 247 "Teach little babies their a b c's? I'm afraid that isn't your specialty, heart of mine. Now if you could teach other women the art of making a man believe that he has cornered the entire visible supply of ecstatic thrills in marrying
- 246 I never bet--ner never wrought Upon my feller-man to bet-- And yit, at times, I've often thought Of my convictions with regret.I bless the hoss from hoof to head-- From head to hoof, and tale to mane!-- I bless the hoss, as I have said, From head to
- 245 BY GEORGE THOMAS LANIGAN What, what, what, What's the news from Swat?Sad news, Bad news, Comes by the cable led Through the Indian Ocean's bed, Through the Persian Gulf, the Red Sea and the Med- Iterranean--he's dead; The Ahkoond is dead!Fo
- 244 "Oh, but you look sick.""I am not; I am--I never was so well. See how strong I am. I can crush that piece of paper up into a very small ball with my bare hands. I am awfully strong.""Oh, don't do that. There may be something
- 243 "They were going to strip me, were they," he said to himself, as he pulled a small roll of bills from the vest pocket of his dress suit."Well, not quite. Let me see. I had nineteen dollars with me. Now I have five, ten, and ten are twenty,
- 242 "No, it's decent. I think I had better go early anyway, and then I can get back earlier. I don't want to stay up too late.""Well, if you insist, go on."Tom went upstairs and began dressing hurriedly. He knew he would not feel
- 241 "No, I'd like to, but I _just can't_."("Well, admit, like a man, it's the Mis'es said no and I'll let you off.") "Are you a mind-reader?"("No, but I'm married.") "You win."(&q
- 240 BY BENJAMIN STEVENSON "Evan Anderson called you up this afternoon," said Mrs. Tom Porter, laying down the evening paper. "Is his wife still away?""Yes, I think she is. What did he want?""He did not say, but he said for y
- 239 "All of which is intensely interesting," observed the Bibliomaniac, "but I don't see how it helps to make your University Intelligence Office Company convincing.""It helps in this way," explained the Idiot. "We shal
- 238 If you're goin' to mak' de marry, kip a look out on de eye, But no matter how you're careful, it was risky anyhow-- An' if you're too unlucky, jus' remember how you try For gettin' dat poor woman, dough she may have
- 237 "I told you I didn't want to see you until it was. As soon as you wake up, let me know. Good-by."Jimmy, red, returned to the parlor, and there was confronted by a vision of white, with s.h.i.+ning eyes and pink cheeks, who rushed up to him
- 236 "So, she's the one, is she, Jimmy?""Well--er--I--I don't know. You see--""Certainly I see. Who wouldn't? Is she pretty, Jimmy?"Jimmy saw a pathway through the crowd and led his cousin to the farther curb before
- 235 Now, the question arises: Why should Lucy Putnam, or any other girl, take any interest in a man who was so thoroughly bashful that his trembling efforts to converse made the light quivering aspen look like a ten-ton obelisk for calmness? The reason was, a
- 234 "I accept your apology," said I, "but let's hurry home." There was but one residence to pa.s.s, and that, thank fortune, was so densely screened by shrubbery that the inmates could not see the road. To be sure, we were on a favori
- 233 "But there were some Ishmalites comin' along that way, and the awful eleven budders took him out of the deep, dark hole, an' sold him to the Ishmalites, and they sold him away down in Egypt. An' his poor old papa cried, an' cried,
- 232 A BALLADE OF PING-PONG BY ALDEN CHARLES n.o.bLE She wears a rosebud in her hair To mock me as it tosses free; Were I more wise and she less fair I fear that I should never be A victim to such witchery; For at her wiles and lovely arts I'm fain to lau
- 231 "I wish we could--""Oh, well, if you want to; but I propose that we don't make them the offer until next year or the year after. We shall have our matters arranged better by that time.""And now about Isaac Wickersham?"&q
- 230 "Everything depends upon how you look at it. In one way the sum is large. In another way it isn't. General Jenkins had just twenty times sixty thousand. Tremendous, isn't it? He might just as well have left us another million. He is in Heav
- 229 "So that we must try to do exactly what we think he would have liked us to do," said George."Nothing else, dear?""Why, of course we are to have some discretion, some margin; and besides, n.o.body possibly could guess precisely wha
- 228 And he galloped out to the street With the curly-headed Doll Baby on his back; And hard at his heels went the Jumping Jack!And the little boy--he never knew, Though the little Steam Engine blew and blew!Then the Humming Top went round and round, And crash
- 227 Carline was a very stiddy gal: she was married about a year ago,--married Joe Bennet,--Philander Bennet's son: you remember Phil Bennet, don't you, Mr. Crane?--he 'twas killed so sudding over to Ganderfield? Though, come to think, it must &
- 226 It's a game now--fair game--and you're glad you came to the tea!"Healthy, you say? How nice. It's perfectly lovely to be healthy. Do you live in the country?""Not exactly the country. We live in Madison Square, under the tree
- 225 Maybury would have been more than human if she had not said "Scat! scat!scat!" and she did say it, shaking herself in horror.It was the last straw. Mrs. Cairnes took her cat in her arms and moved majestically out of the room, put on her rubbers,
- 224 The Wit and Humor of America.Volume IX.THE NINE LITTLE GOBLINS BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY They all climbed up on a high board-fence-- Nine little Goblins, with green-gla.s.s eyes-- Nine little Goblins that had no sense, And couldn't tell coppers from co
- 223 Said Gra.s.s, "What is that noise That startles and destroys Our blessed summer brooding when we're tired?""That's folk a-praising G.o.d,"Said the tough old cynic Clod; "They do it every Sunday, They'll be all right
- 222 But, thanks to the beneficence of that band of ministering angels who have their bright abodes in the far-off capital of Minnesota, just as the agony of my anxiety was about to culminate in the frenzy of despair, this blessed map was placed in my hands; a
- 221 EVE'S DAUGHTER BY EDWARD ROWLAND SILL I waited in the little sunny room: The cool breeze waved the window-lace, at play, The white rose on the porch was all in bloom, And out upon the bay I watched the wheeling sea-birds go and come."Such an old
- 220 "Explain nothin'!" was the cry; "you'll explain right here! Do you think Blowout is a-goin' to stand this kind o' thing?""Who put you up to run this blazer on us? Them fellers at Plain View? Er them scrubs at C
- 219 "Oh, yes, Gib--oh, yes, you can. They won't--" Aunt Huldah's voice sank to a murmur, which Troy Gilbert answered with a shake of the head."Well, ef they do see anything, they'll keep still--my chil'en are trained to mind
- 218 But, of course, for La Rue to give up this most valuable chattel was out of the question. What he did, therefore, was to fly into a rage, refuse the Kid's offer in language which would have precipitated a brawl had the young man been less earnest in
- 217 "Oh yes," said the Idiot. "I'm in with several of 'em--way in. So far in that I'm sometimes afraid I'll never get out. We're carrying a whole lot of wild-cats on margin for Billie Van Gelder, the cotillion leader; T
- 216 "And would laugh and declare, 'while _the Almanac_ would Most falsely prognosticate, _he_ never could!'"Such a hale const.i.tution had grandfather Squeers That, though he'd used '_navy_' for sixty odd years, "He sti
- 215 The next Sunday Andrew did not change his best suit, as usual, after church, and his wife remarked the fact as she sat in a blanketed chair by the living room fire in the evening, with her "Christian Register" in her hand."Well, you know--I
- 214 "But, why, Marthy, isn't Abby promised to w.i.l.l.y Parks?""No; I asked Mis' Parks about that yisterday. She said w.i.l.l.y had been waitin' on Abby for four or five years, but they'd had a misunderstandin' this sum
- 213 BY ELIZABETH HYER NEFF "An-ndrew! An-ndrew!""Yes, Marthy.""Andrew, what be you doin' out there? You've ben sayin' 'Yes, Marthy,'for the last ten minutes."The patient, middle-aged face of Andrew appear
- 212 Then still, as opening sense her dictates wrote, Fair virtue put a seal, or vice a blot.The thought was happy, pertinent, and true; Methinks a genius might the plan pursue.I (can you pardon my presumption), I-- No wit, no genius--yet for once will try.Var
- 211 Darius was clearly of the opinion That the air is also man's dominion, And that, with paddle or fin or pinion, We soon or late shall navigate The azure, as now we sail the sea.The thing looks simple enough to me; And, if you doubt it, Hear how Darius
- 210 Then she spoke."You dined after the theater that night with a comic-opera singer. You were quite at liberty to do so, only you might have done me the honor to notify me that you had made your choice of entertainment."So it was out! Decidedly it
- 209 I had nothing to offer, and subsided for a s.p.a.ce."If we should not find him!""I'll sit on his front stoop all night.... Forgive me if I sound flippant; but I mean it." Snow was in the air, and I considered it a great sacrifice
- 208 "The worst criminal is not condemned without a hearing, and I have had none."No perceptible movement."We are none of us infallible in keeping appointments. We are liable to make mistakes occasionally. Had I known that Tuesday night was the
- 207 "You?" she cried, stepping back, one hand at her throat and the other against the jamb of the door.Dumb as ever was Lot's wife (after the turning-point in her career), I stood and stared and admired. A woman would instantly have noticed the
- 206 Presently there came a tap on the door, and I flung it wide. But my visitor was not the benevolent old gentleman. He was the Frenchman whose absinthe had offended me. He glanced at the slip of paper in his hand."I have zee honaire to address zee--ah-
- 205 We dress by the gaudy light of the candle, and while we do so, we remember far away at home our wife and the little boy asleep in her arms. They do not get up at 6:30. It is at this hour we remember the fragrant drawer in the dresser at home where our cle
- 204 O Le Lupe, Gelett Burgess, this is very sad to find: In _The Bookman_ for September, in a manner most unkind, There appears a half-page picture, makes me think I've lost my mind.They have reproduced a window,--Doxey's window,--(I dare say In you
- 203 ICARUS BY JOHN G. SAXE I All modern themes of poesy are spun so very fine, That now the most amusing muse, _e gratia_, such as mine, Is often forced to cut the thread that strings our recent rhymes, And try the stronger staple of the good old cla.s.sic ti
- 202 What troubles you, Yankee phantoms? What is all this chattering of bare gums?Does the ague convulse your limbs? Do you mistake your crutches for fire-locks, and level them?If you blind your eyes with tears, you will not see the President's marshal; I
- 201 "I was cured by the Broncholine," said Mr. Carteret."Is your horse fresh?" asked Lord Frederic."Yes," replied Mr. Carteret, "I happened upon them at the road.""Then go after that man Grady," said Lord Fred
- 200 Mrs. Ascott-Smith looked at him sympathetically, and he coughed twice."You are suffering," she said. "Lord Frederic, you really must not urge him to expose himself. Have you a pain here?" she inquired, touching herself in the region of
- 199 "There was John Rohlfs," said Mr. Carteret; "he was a very well known chap.""Do you know him?" asked Mrs. Brawle.The Curate sn.i.g.g.e.red. His hour of triumph had come. "Rohlfs is dead," he said."Really!"
- 198 "Kersley Battersby. The very man!" exclaimed Mrs. Devereaux, with animation. "How clever you are, my dear, to guess it! My sister, the Countess of Crayford, who has just come over this autumn, wants some one to paint her twin girls. It stri
- 197 "Yes, and have all his family say that I've ruined his prospects--you can imagine how pleasant _that_ would be! Everyone says that if a poor artist is hampered at the beginning he has no career at all. _I_ enjoy things as they are, anyway, and i
- 196 Well, I felt for the lady, and felt for my hat, too, Improvised on the crown of the latter a tattoo, In lieu of expressing the feelings which lay Quite too deep for words, as Wordsworth would say; Then, without going through the form of a bow, Found mysel
- 195 BY GEORGE ADE The Fable of the Hoosier Bill of Fare and How the Women Folks Cooked Up Things for the Well-known Citizen.Once upon a Time there was a Hired Hand who felt that he was cut out to be Somebody. Among the Agriculturists he was said to be too dos
- 194 "I'll see you d.a.m.ned first," said Eddring, hotly."Right!" cried Blount, exultingly. "You're right. You are one of the fighting Eddrings, sure as you're born. Why, sir, come on in. You wouldn't punish the son
- 193 "A gentleman," said the other, smiling slightly. "Well, don't shake hands with me yet, sir. I don't know. You see I'm a railroad man, and I'm here on business.""d.a.m.n it, sir, if it was only your description
- 192 "Dandah--dandah! You know him? Th' ain't no better boss, but ef he goes out huntin' b'ah and don't get no _b'ah_--why, den dey ain't no reason gwine _do_ foh him."Now, when you see Cunnel Blount come home, he&#
- 191 The Wit and Humor of America.Volume VIII.A DANIEL COME TO JUDGMENT[1]BY EDMUND VANCE COOKE Now, everything that Russell did, he did his best to hasten, And one day he decided that he'd like to be a Mason; But nothing else would suit him, and nothing
- 190 A trial came off, not precisely in our bailiwick, but in the neighborhood, of great comic interest. It was really a case of a good deal of aggravation, and the defendants, fearing the result, employed four of the ablest lawyers practicing at the M. bar to
- 189 And here, on the file of April 3d, was Fafarge's line to me: "I got the secret-service parcel myself, and have put it in the President's own hands. I marked it, 'Gulf coast,' as you bade me."What could Lafarge have given to t
- 188 BILL NATIONS BY BILL ARP You never knowd Bill, I rekun. Hes gone to Arkensaw, and I don't know whether hes ded or alive. He was a good feller, Bill was, as most all whisky drinkers are. Me and him both used to love it powerful--especially Bill. We so
- 187 HOW MR. TERRAPIN LOST HIS PLUMAGE AND WHISTLE BY ANNE VIRGINIA CULBERTSON "Well," said Janey, as Aunt 'Phrony finished telling of the loss of Mr.Terrapin's beard, "I saw a terrapin the other day, and it didn't look as though
- 186 Hilary?" But the shot glanced off harmlessly from the thick armor of British literalness."In Rome divorce doesn't exist at all," she graciously informed her companion. "The Romish church does not permit it, you know."The Amer
- 185 "True as preachin'," declared Mrs. Pendleton, adding that you could have knocked her down with a feather when she discovered it.Elsie Howard came into her mother's room just then and Mrs. Pendleton repeated the exciting news, adding, &
- 184 "Oh, mater, you should see the ducky little baby lion!""What is it that they call you?" inquired a perpetually smiling young kindergartner who had just taken possession of a top-floor hall-room.Mrs. Hilary glanced at her slightingly.&q
- 183 den dey come back an' tell Mistah Tarr'pin dat dey reckon dey done fix Mistah Tukkey dis time."'W'at you done wid him?' sezee."'We ain' ketch 'im,' dey ses, 'we lef' dat fer you, dat ain