![Light Novel -?=$public_r['add_site_name']?>](/static/content/img/logo.png){kind=logo}
Jokes Book Collection Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the Jokes Book Collection novel. A total of 473 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : PART I.CHAPTER 1.THE EARLY DAYS.Johnny has always reckoned that being born is like comin
PART I.CHAPTER 1.THE EARLY DAYS.Johnny has always reckoned that being born is like coming out of the cinema in the afternoon having watched a romantic film - all that bright light and everyone crying.Johnny's was a notable birth. He was so ugly the n
- 1 PART I.CHAPTER 1.THE EARLY DAYS.Johnny has always reckoned that being born is like coming out of the cinema in the afternoon having watched a romantic film - all that bright light and everyone crying.Johnny's was a notable birth. He was so ugly the n
- 2 "Cor! What does that mean?""It means the skin's been cut off the end.""How old were you when they did that?""About two days old.""Did it hurt?""It sure did. I didn't walk for a year."No
- 3 "No, but you'll find it'll make things easier for you. That piano player you just killed has two big, mean brothers and when news gets to them about what you did, they'll shove that gun right up your a.r.s.e."Peter was hooked on g
- 4 A gang of notorious bank robbers stormed through the doors waving their guns and demanding all the customers line up against the wall. While some of his men started putting the money from the safe into bags, the leader shouted to his hostages, "Befor
- 5 Over an hour went past and every 10 minutes he would jump back in the car to warm up his hands between her legs. On the seventh occasion she turned to him and said, "It's a shame your ears don't suffer from the cold as well.""Oh m
- 6 "I've got to have somewhere to put the sheep's back legs."Steve was a down-to-earth c.o.c.kney lad from the East End docks of London. At this time, he had a problem and he didn't know what to do. He was in love with two girls and
- 7 It was Open Day on the farm and visitors were being taken round on guided tours. One group was led by a simple minded youth and in the party was a ventriloquist who thought he'd have some fun. Arriving at the horses, the ventriloquist used his voice
- 8 A young man moves into a new neighbourhood, alone and without any friends. He's only been there a couple of days when there's knock on the door."Hi," says the visitor. "I'm Colin, I live just down the hall from you and I thou
- 9 Jack went to the psychologist complaining of insomnia."Don't worry," came the reply, "just start at your toes and slowly relax all your body bit by bit and then you'll fall asleep."That night Jack did as he was instructed.Go
- 10 A female lecturer is telling a group of students how to teach maths to small children."It's always a good idea for them to visualise the question.For instance, if I said there were three cats on a wall and one was shot dead - how many were left?
- 11 Two couples got married on the same day and ended up in the same hotel for their honeymoon. One evening, the girls having already gone to bed, the two men had a couple of drinks together in the bar. As time went on the men started to get boastful and Geof
- 12 "OK, Adam, when you wake up in the morning, you won't be alone any longer."So the next day when Adam awoke, Eve was lying next to him.He immediately jumped on top of her but a moment later he asked, "Lord, what's a headache?"
- 13 "I'm just keeping your dinner warm," she replied.Coming home from work earlier than planned, the husband found his wife in the kitchen, bending over the oven. She looked so desirable, he immediately dropped his trousers and took her from be
- 14 It was Sat.u.r.day night and Ted and his two mates were all dressed up ready to paint the town red. But first, as usual, Ted popped into church for confession."Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I slept with a woman who was not my wife.""
- 15 "Help me, help me, it's b.l.o.o.d.y agony."Eventually, he makes it into the confessional and all goes quiet. After a few minutes the priest decides he'd better find out if everything is alright so he says, "May I help you my son?&
- 16 A man buys two dogs from the pet shop but after a week he realises he can't keep them apart. They spend all their time humping one another and no matter what he does - throwing cold water over them, putting pepper on their backsides - they carry on r
- 17 The second man was given similar instructions. Handing him a gun they ordered him to go next door and shoot his wife dead."I can't do it," replied the ashen-faced man, "Tomorrow is our 25th anniversary and we've lived a very happy
- 18 Two women talking over the garden fence."My husband's an efficiency expert.""What's that then?""Well, I'll put it another way. If a woman did it, they would call it nagging.""Do you know what mothb.a.l.l.s
- 19 Two women are talking over the garden wall and one is complaining about her piles.The other says to her, "I know just the remedy. Stick some tea leaves up there and you'll soon be cured."However, this remedy doesn't work so the woman i
- 20 "Oh, b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, I think my dog's killed him.""What!" roared the man "What kind of dog have you got?""A peke.""A peke! but how could a small dog like that kill my dog?"said the puzzled man.&q
- 21 Every weekend, her husband would be out playing football with his local team and while he was away, Gloria would entertain her lover. However, disaster struck one afternoon when the pitch was so waterlogged that the husband came back early."Quick,&qu
- 22 And she hands him a packet of cigarettes.After a few minutes she looks at him closely and says, "Now, would you like to play around?""Oh my goodness," he gasps, absolutely amazed. "I can't believe you have a set of golf clubs
- 23 "Why are all the drinks free today?""Oh, it's quite simple really, Sir," replies the barman. "The owner of this pub doesn't know that I know he's upstairs with my wife. So I'm doing to him down here, what he�
- 24 "No it isn't," commented a sullen looking man sitting next to him. "I married one."Two men chatting over a pint.Bob turns to John and says, "You're looking down in the dumps, what's wrong?""It's the w
- 25 The barman hands them to him and sadly shakes his head."I suppose this means you've lost one of your brothers, I'm very sorry.""Oh no, not at all," replies the man, "but I've had to give up drinking."The misera
- 26 "Everything alright?" she asks."Well, I don't know," he replies. "I bit her on the b.u.m, she farted and flew straight out of the window."The man was out of the door without paying before the wh.o.r.e had a chance to sto
- 27 A 20-stone man went to the doctor's complaining of a bad chest. The doctor examined him with his stethoscope and then asked the man to strip off completely."Would you mind getting down on all fours and crawling over to the window for me, please?
- 28 "Doctor, help me please, I can hardly walk, my backside's killing me!""Mmm, bend over and we'll see what's wrong," replied the doctor."Aah, I can see the problem, you've got a bunch of flowers stuck up there.&q
- 29 "Well, that's quite a lot, why don't you get married, that's a much better idea.""I am married.""And is everything fine in bed?""It's great.""Then why do you need to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e so m
- 30 After a moment or so, she asks him why he chose her instead of getting drunk like the rest of them."Well, I've always been told that the only part of the plane which survives a crash is the black box, so I reckoned I'd be in it when the pla
- 31 Three blokes landed up at their ski resort a day early and discovered their rooms would not be ready until the following day. The only accommodation available that night was one room with a large king sized bed. The three men decided they could put up wit
- 32 Three men find themselves sharing a railway carriage to London.Two are brothers, the third is a GI soldier."Heh! You're American, aren't you?" asks one of the brothers."I sure am," he replies. "I'm on leave and I�
- 33 She replied haughtily, "One has been informed that one has to actually handle the so-called member.""Oh Jasmin, was it love at first sight?""No, second. I didn't know he had so much money the first time."Two men are cros
- 34 "No thanks," he replied, "I'm only after one thing.""Typical male," she said to herself as he walked away.Coming home from work, a man pa.s.sed a s.e.x shop and on impulse went in and bought a blow-up doll. He couldn
- 35 So the girl sits astride dad as well, jumping up and down, pretending dad is a horse. As the parents reach a climax, the little girl shouts excitedly, "Hold on tight, Mum, this is where me and the au pair usually fall off!"Did you hear about the
- 36 Old Joe only had moments to live. At his bedside were his family - his wife and four sons, three of whom had blond hair, the other had ginger."Em, tell me please, I've always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Is he really my son?"E
- 37 "What's wrong?" he asked."I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night," she sobbed."Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes," and with that he went over to the wardrobe. "See here, there's t
- 38 Wise old saying: Girls who use their heads can stop the population explosion.Words of wisdom from a philosopher: "It all comes down to the same thing in the end. Live life like a dog. If you can't eat it or f.u.c.k it, then p.i.s.s on it."O
- 39 "I wish I could fly to the top of that tree, but these days, I just haven't got the energy," he said sadly."I've got an idea," replied the bull. "If you eat part of my droppings you'll get extra energy because they&
- 40 Two old ex-service men were boasting about their past conquests."When I was in the army, I had hundreds of girls, wherever I was stationed. We soldiers were real men.""Rubbish," replied the Admiral. "I bet I slept with far more wo
- 41 Two old men were sitting on a park bench commenting on life when one turned to the other and said, "Now here's an interesting thing, when I was in my 20s and got a stiffie, I couldn't bend it at all. Then in my 30s, I could bend it an inch,
- 42 "I'm afraid not, Joe, that's for the funeral."The two men had just reached the 10th hole when a funeral procession went slowly by. The first man stopped playing, took his hat off and bowed his head."That was very good of you,"
- 43 "h.e.l.lo Mary," said Sean. "Ive got some bad news for you. Theres been a terrible accident down at the brewery and Pat is dead." "Oh no, my poor husband!" sobbed Mary as she collapsed on the ground. "What happened?"
- 44 PART II.No Bull.Some cattle are standing in a field when a huge gust of wind blows. All the cows fall over, but the bulls remain standing, bracing themselves against the wind.After a moment the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.Pretty soon, an ev
- 45 Q: Did you here about the girl that started dating a postman?A: Apparently she likes to call him her mail friend.Q: What part of a fish weighs the most?A: The scales Q: Why wouldn't they let the b.u.t.terfly into the dance?A: Because it was a mothbal
- 46 A: Because the captain was standing on the deck!Q: Why did the chicken walk onto the football pitch?A: The referee whistled for a fowl Q: Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?A: Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.Q: Why was
- 47 Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game?A: They stand near the fans!Q: What should a slow runner eat before a race?A: Ketchup Q: What kind of banks do alligators use?A: Riverbanks Q: Why are movie stars cool?A: Because they have so many fans.Q: Where d
- 48 Donkey's b.a.l.l.s.A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room.After a few unsucces
- 49 Fairy Tales.A little girl asks her father, "Dad, do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?""Nope" He replies, "Most begin with 'If elected I promise...'"The Winking Problem.A man with a winking problem is appl
- 50 Bakers Job.A baker's job is a piece of cake. Of course if it's a special job he will rise to the occasion. It's the yeast he can do. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.But they stop making donuts when they get tired of the
- 51 So the guy goes upstairs but can't find the restrooms anywhere. So when he sees a hole in the floor and he decides to c.r.a.p in it.After relieving himself, of a monster dump, he goes back downstairs and notices that there's no one in the bar.&q
- 52 The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"Blondes.Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire do they go out onto the balcony."Help, help!" yells one of the blondes."Help us, help us!&
- 53 Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman...An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a pub talking about their sons. The Englishman says "My son was born on St George's Day so we decided to call him George.""That's a coincidence,
- 54 Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behaviour. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, cas
- 55 A student is heading home for the holidays.When she gets to the airline counter, she presents her ticket to New York. While she gives the agent her luggage, she says, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to Lond
- 56 Man with one chopstick go hungry.Modern house without toilet uncanny.Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.Squirrel who runs up woman's
- 57 The fridge.A woman goes to see a psychiatrist about her husband."Doc, My husband won't come to see you, but he has a real problem.Almost every night he dreams that he's a refrigerator!""Hum", says the doc, "That is not r
- 58 "Any chance of a pint of ale then?""No!" she says again."Could I at least sleep in your barn?""No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.The down and out says, "OK Then Might I please...?""What now?&
- 59 s.e.x shop purchase.An Ess.e.x Girl walks into a s.e.x shop and asks for a vibrator.The a.s.sistant says, "Choose anything you like from our range on the wall other there.""Hum" she says, "I'll take the red one.""So
- 60 "I have a problem. When I wake up in the morning I have really breath!""Honey," her mother consoles, "Everyone has bad breath in the morning.""My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to
- 61 "Of course not," replies the mother. "Why would you think that?""O, because a tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"Q: How do you know when a blonde has used your computer?A: There'
- 62 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may ma
- 63 Q: How do you know when the wife about to say something smart?A: The sentence begins with "A man once told me..."Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?A: You don't. There's a clock on the cooker!Q: Why do men pa.s.s gas more than wome
- 64 King Cole.Old King Cole, you know the one - the merry old soul, issues an order to his cooks."From now on, all chopped cabbage must be mixed with mayonnaise."To this day his decree is still in place known as... Cole's Law.Lizards.A guy walk
- 65 A: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.Q: What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?A: The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.Q: How would you describe the death of an HTML program
- 66 REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.Female definition: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.Male definition: A device for scanning through all 35 channels every 5 minutes.COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n Female definition: A desire to get marri
- 67 The following morning both couples are at breakfast, and both grooms are smiling as the waiter comes over to take their orders. The first groom says, "I'll have a full English breakfast, and FOUR slices of toast please."The second groom say
- 68 9. Never lick a steak knife.10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.13. Yo
- 69 The Chinese samurai smiles then opened a tiny box releasing a fly. He draws his sword.Swis.h.!.+ Swis.h.!.+ The fly falls to the floor neatly quartered.The Jewish samurai steps forward releases a fly and draws his sword. SWOOs.h.!.+ The speed of his sword
- 70 Virus alert!Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a virus out there called the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced Anti-Virus programs cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect people who were born before 1958!
- 71 Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?A: A tick with stop sucking your blood when you die.Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?A: Thr
- 72 Language How to says, "I Love You"English I Love You Albanian Une Te Dua Arabic Ana Bhibbik Catalan Testimo Molt Chinese Wo Ai Ni Eskimo Nagligivaget Finnish Mina Rakkastan Sinua French Je T'aime German Ich Liebe Dich Greek S'Agapo Haw
- 73 Did you hear about the p.o.r.n film director that wanted to make a movie about bondage, necrophilia and b.e.s.t.i.a.lity?He couldn't get backing for the idea, as people said he was flogging a dead horse.v.i.a.g.r.a.A middle-aged man walks into a supe
- 74 Soup.A guy walks into a restaurant and orders some soup. It takes a while before the soup to arrive and when it does it's too hot. While waiting for the soup to cool, the guy needs to go to the bathroom. But before he leaves the table he thinks,
- 75 Two old guys are arguing about their doctors. The first one says, "I don't trust that guy you see. He treated old Fred Smith for a kidney complaint for nearly a year, and then Fred died of a liver cancer.""So what makes you think your
- 76 You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.I took an IQ test: and the results were Negative.When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.With her marriage, she got a new name and a
- 77 A Wish."And what would you like?""A p.e.n.i.s!"Somewhat surprised and embarra.s.sed, the compare checks again, "You'd like what?""A p.e.n.i.s!!""Right" says the compare, "There you have it ladies
- 78 Q: Why is a leaking tap like a racehorse?A: Because it is off and running Q: What do you get if you cross a giant ape, with some whipped egg whites and sugar?A: Merangue-atan Q: What's it called when a stallion runs around in circles?A: Horsing aroun
- 79 The Damsel.An Evil king captured a beautiful girl. He forced her to wear a shabby dress and sit in a tower. She waited day and night with the hope that a prince would come and free her.But he never came. Eventually, she cried in distress and the evil king
- 80 The sick parrot.A guy takes his very noisy sick parrot to the vet. "Has he been having s.e.x?" asks the vet."Yes, he has," says the guy."I thought so," replies the vet, "your bird has case of chirp-ees. But don't wo
- 81 Q: Why do jungle explorers make the best lovers?A: Because they go deep into the bush.Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?A: They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.Q: Why is the s.p.a.ce between a woman's b.r.e.a.s.t.s and her hi
- 82 Juggle Trek.The leader of all female juggle expedition had this to say on return from her trip. "My team where under a lot of stress. When there's pressure in the bush, cracks begin to open."Q: How to make German Black Forest Gateau cake?A:
- 83 "What's your father's occupation?" asks the teacher."He's a magician," says boy."How exciting. What's his best trick?""He saws people in half.""Very impressive! And do you have any brothers
- 84 SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?HE: Shall we go see a movie?SHE: I've already seen it.HE: Where have you been all my life?SHE: Hiding from you.HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there any
- 85 The old man yells back, "He wants to see your license!"The woman then gives the officer her license."I see you are from Arkansas," says the policeman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest wo
- 86 The butler did it!Lady Smith-Bonnington calls James her butler into her office."James, remove my dress."James removes her dress."James, remove my shoes."James removes her shoes.""James, remove my bra.s.siere."James remov
- 87 Next the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after they had all their children?" Again, Adam pokes Rick with the pencil and Rick screams, "Adam, if you poke me with that thing one more time I'm break it in half and shove it up your
- 88 Q. What do you call a girl who has a horn collection with two saxophones?A. A h.o.r.n.y bisaxual.The News.News Flash: A chain of s.e.x shops have recently introduced a line of inflatable dolls modelled on Palestinian women. They're not cheap, but whe
- 89 "Why don't you take off you jacket?" asks the owner."O I can't do that," says the blonde, "I says on the tin apply two coats."It's a Period.The kindergarten cla.s.s had a homework a.s.signment to find out about
- 90 "What is it, dear?" his mother asks."I think it's Adam's underpants!"Puns.When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de- lighted.He wears gla.s.ses during math because it improves division.She
- 91 Little Johnny a student has a p.e.n.i.s so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They say he could easily kill someone it so large. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size. She keeps him behind after
- 92 Three vampires.Three vampires walk into a bar and the waitress asks, "What'll it be boys?""I'll have a gla.s.s of O Positive," says the first vampire."AB Negative for me," says the second."I'm the designat
- 93 A woman is looking at her p.u.b.es in the mirror when her husband comes home and catches her."Do you think I should shave my pubic hair? Or should I leave making the decision to some other time?" she asks him.Her husband thinks for a moment, loo
- 94 What did one tonsil say to the other?You better get dressed... the doctor is taking us out tonight.Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.People who constantly cough never go to the doctors.They go to banquets, to concerts, to church, etc...Dr
- 95 A: Because he spends all day playing with pooh.How to shower like a woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloured. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up
- 96 Rect.i.tude, the formal, dignified demeanour a.s.sumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.Oyster, a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.Circ.u.mvent, the opening in the front of boxer shorts.Barby Doll, A doll
- 97 Tarzan the safe s.e.x practice.Jane was attracted to him Tarzan and while chatting she asked him about s.e.x."Tarzan not know s.e.x," he replied.So Jane explained s.e.x to him and Tarzan said, "Oh s.e.x, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.&qu
- 98 HUMPTY DUMPTY Sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE, The cat did a piddle, All over the bedside clock.The little dog laughed to see suc
- 99 Bill: "Of course he doesn't! He does undercover work!"Teacher: "Ok who cla.s.s, who can tell me how the counties of England got their names?"Johnnie: Miss, Miss! Did they name them after cricket teams?Golf stance.A guy is golfing
- 100 Two deer are gossiping about a new girl in the office."I'm not saying she's promiscuous," says one, "but there's a sign on her desk that reads, 'The buck stops here.'"Enemies to the west.A knight and his men re