The Works of Charles and Mary Lamb
Chapter 176 : PRINCE DORUS OR FLATTERY PUT OUT OF COUNTENANCE A POETICAL VERSION OF AN ANCIENT TALK

PRINCE DORUS

OR

FLATTERY PUT OUT OF COUNTENANCE

A POETICAL VERSION OF AN ANCIENT TALK

In days of yore, as Ancient Stories tell, A King in love with a great Princess fell.

Long at her feet submiss the Monarch sigh'd, While she with stern repulse his suit denied.

Yet was he form'd by birth to please the fair, Dress'd, danc'd, and courted with a Monarch's air; But Magic Spells her frozen breast had steel'd With stubborn pride, that knew not how to yield.

This to the King' a courteous Fairy told, And bade the Monarch in his suit be bold; For he that would the charming Princess wed, Had only on her cat's black tail to tread, When straight the Spell would vanish into air, And he enjoy for life the yielding fair.

He thank'd the Fairy for her kind advice.-- Thought he, "If this be all, I'll not be nice; Rather than in my courts.h.i.+p I will fail I will to mince-meat tread Minon's black tail."

To the Princess's court repairing strait, He sought the cat that must decide his fate; But when he found her, how the creature stared!

How her back bristled, and her great eyes glared!

That [tail] which he so fondly hop'd his prize, Was swell'd by wrath to twice its usual size; And all her cattish gestures plainly spoke She thought the affair he came upon, no joke.

With wary step the cautious King draws near, And slyly means to attack her in her rear; But when he thinks upon her tail to pounce, Whisk--off she skips--three yards upon a bounce-- Again he tries, again his efforts fail-- Minon's a witch--the deuce is in her tail--

The anxious chase for weeks the Monarch tried, Till courage fail'd, and hope within him died.

A desperate suit 'twas useless to prefer, Or hope to catch a tail of quicksilver.-- When on a day, beyond his hopes, he found Minon, his foe, asleep upon the ground; Her ample tail behind her lay outspread, Full to the eye, and tempting to the tread.

The King with rapture the occasion bless'd.

And with quick foot the fatal part he press'd.

Loud squalls were heard, like howlings of a storm, And sad he gazed on Minon's altered form,-- No more a cat, but chang'd into a man Of giant size, who frown'd, and thus began:

"Rash King, that dared with impious design To violate that tail, that once was mine; What though the spell be broke, and burst the charms, That kept the Princess from thy longing arms,-- Not unrevenged shall thou my fury dare, For by that violated tail I swear, From your unhappy nuptials shall be born A Prince, whose Nose shall be thy subjects' scorn.

Bless'd in his love thy son shall never be, Till he his foul deformity shall see, Till he with tears his blemish shall confess, Discern its odious length, and wish it less!"

This said, he vanish'd; and the King awhile Mused at his words, then answer'd with a smile "Give me a child in happy wedlock born, And let his Nose be made like a French horn; His knowledge of the fact I ne'er can doubt,-- If he have eyes, or hands, he'll find it out."

So spake the King, self-flatter'd in his thought, Then with impatient step the Princess sought.

His urgent suit no longer she withstands, But links with him in Hymen's knot her hands.

Almost as soon a widow as a bride, Within a year the King her husband died; And shortly after he was dead and gone, She was deliver'd of a little son, The prettiest babe, with lips as red as rose, And eyes like little stars--but such a nose-- The tender Mother fondly took the boy Into her arms, and would have kiss'd her joy; His luckless nose forbade the fond embrace-- He thrust the hideous feature in her face.

Then all her Maids of Honour tried in turn, And for a Prince's kiss in envy burn; By sad experience taught, their hopes they miss'd, And mourn'd a Prince that never could be kiss'd.

In silent tears the Queen confess'd her grief, Till kindest Flattery came to her relief.

Her maids, as each one takes him in her arms, Expatiate freely o'er his world of charms-- His eyes, lips, mouth--his forehead was divine-- And for the nose--they called it Aquiline-- Declared that Caesar, who the world subdued, Had such a one--just of that longitude-- That Kings like him compelled folks to adore them, And drove the short-nos'd sons of men before them-- That length of nose portended length of days, And was a great advantage many ways-- To mourn the gifts of Providence was wrong-- Besides, _the Nose was not so very long_.--

These arguments in part her grief redrest, A mother's partial fondness did the rest; And Time, that all things reconciles by use, Did in her notions such a change produce.

That, as she views her babe, with favour blind, She thinks him handsomest of human kind.

Meantime in spite of his disfigured face, Dorus (for so he's call'd) grew up apace; In fair proportion all his features rose, Save that most prominent of all--his Nose.

That Nose, which in the infant could annoy, Was grown a perfect nuisance in the boy.

Whene'er he walk'd, his Handle went before, Long as the snout of Ferret, or Wild Boar; Or like the Staff, with which on holy day The solemn Parish Beadle clears the way.

But from their cradle to their latest year, How seldom Truth can reach a Prince's ear!

To keep th' unwelcome knowledge out of view, His lesson well each flattering Courtier knew; The h.o.a.ry Tutor, and the wily Page, Unmeet confederates! dupe his tender age.

They taught him that whate'er vain mortals boast-- Strength, Courage, Wisdom--all they value most-- Whate'er on human life distinction throws-- Was all comprised--in what?--a length of nose!

Ev'n Virtue's self (by some suppos'd chief merit) In short-nosed folks was only want of spirit.

While doctrines such as these his guides instill'd, His Palace was with long-nosed people fill'd; At Court, whoever ventured to appear With a short nose, was treated with a sneer.

Each courtier's wife, that with a babe is blest, Moulds its young nose betimes; and does her best, By pulls, and hauls, and twists, and lugs and pinches, To stretch it to the standard of the Prince's.

Dup'd by these arts, Dorus to manhood rose, Nor dream'd of aught more comely than his Nose, Till Love, whose pow'r ev'n Princes have confest, Claim'd the soft empire o'er his youthful breast.

Fair Claribel was she who caused his care; A neighb'ring Monarch's daughter, and sole heir.

For beauteous Claribel his bosom burn'd; The beauteous Claribel his flame return'd; Deign'd with kind words his pa.s.sion to approve, Met his soft vows, and yielded love for love.

If in her mind some female pangs arose At sight (and who can blame her?) of his Nose.

Affection made her willing to be blind; She loved him for the beauties of his mind; And in his l.u.s.tre, and his royal race, Contented sunk--one feature of his face.

Blooming to sight, and lovely to behold, Herself was cast in Beauty's richest mould; Sweet female majesty her person deck'd, Her face an angel's--save for one defect-- Wise Nature, who to Dorus over kind, A length of nose too liberal had a.s.sign'd, As if with us poor mortals to make sport, Had giv'n to Claribel a nose too short: But turned up with a sort of modest grace; It took not much of beauty from her face; And subtle Courtiers, who their Prince's mind Still watch'd, and turned about with every wind, a.s.sur'd the Prince, that though man's beauty owes Its charm to a majestic length of nose, The excellence of Woman (softer creature) Consisted in the shortness of that feature.

Few arguments were wanted to convince The already more than half persuaded Prince; Truths, which we hate, with slowness we receive, But what we wish to credit, soon believe.

The Princess's affections being gain'd, What but her Sire's approval now remain'd?

Amba.s.sadors with solemn pomp are sent To win the aged Monarch to consent (Seeing their States already were allied) That Dorus might have Claribel to bride.

Her Royal Sire, who wisely understood The match propos'd was for both kingdoms' good, Gave his consent; and gentle Claribel With weeping bids her Father's court farewell.

With gallant pomp, and numerous array, Dorus went forth to meet her on her way; But when the Princely pair of lovers met, Their hearts on mutual gratulations set, Sudden the Enchanter from the ground arose, (The same who prophesied the Prince's nose) And with rude grasp, unconscious of her charms, s.n.a.t.c.h'd up the lovely Princess in his arms, Then bore her out of reach of human eyes, Up in the pathless regions of the skies.

Bereft of her that was his only care, Dorus resign'd his soul to wild despair; Resolv'd to leave the land that gave him birth, And seek fair Claribel throughout the earth.

Mounting his horse, he gives the beast the reins, And wanders lonely through the desert plains; With fearless heart the savage heath explores, Where the wolf prowls, and where the tiger roars, Nor wolf, nor tiger, dare his way oppose; The wildest creatures see, and shun, his NOSE.

Ev'n lions fear! the elephant alone Surveys with pride a trunk so like his own.

At length he to a shady forest came, Where in a cavern lived an aged dame; A reverend Fairy, on whose silver head A hundred years their downy snows had shed.

Here ent'ring in, the Mistress of the place Bespoke him welcome with a cheerful grace, Fetch'd forth her dainties, spread her social board With all the Store her dwelling could afford.

The Prince with toil and hunger sore opprest, Gladly accepts, and deigns to be her guest.

But when the first civilities were paid, The dishes rang'd, and Grace in order said; The Fairy, who had leisure now to view Her guest more closely, from her pocket drew Her spectacles, and wip'd them from the dust, Then on her nose endeavour'd to adjust; With difficulty she could find a place To hang them on in her unshapely face; For if the Princess's was somewhat small, This Fairy scarce had any nose at all.

But when by help of spectacles the Crone Discern'd a Nose so different from her own, What peals of laughter shook her aged sides!

While with sharp jests the Prince she thus derides.

FAIRY

"Welcome, great Prince of Noses, to my cell; 'Tis a poor place,--but thus we Fairies dwell.

Pray, let me ask you, if from far you come-- And don't you sometimes find it c.u.mbersome?"

PRINCE

"Find what?"

FAIRY

"Your Nose--."