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The Book of Humorous Verse Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the The Book of Humorous Verse novel. A total of 196 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : The Book of Humorous Verse.by Various.INTRODUCTION A hope of immortality and a sense of
The Book of Humorous Verse.by Various.INTRODUCTION A hope of immortality and a sense of humor distinguish man from the beasts of the field.A single exception may be made, perhaps, of the Laughing Hyena, and, on the other hand, not every one of the human r
- 101 What boots to fall again forlorn?Ah me! ah me!(Sweet Venus, mother!) Scorned by the grinning hound of scorn, (Ah me! ah me!_Dum diddle dee!_) Art thou not greater who art less?Ah me! ah me!(Sweet Venus, mother!) Low love fulfilled of low success?(Ah me! a
- 102 She took the porcelain in her hand (O weary mother, drive the cows to roost); She poured; I drank at her command; Drank deep, and now--you understand!(O weary mother, drive the cows to roost.) 9--(_Burns, who liked it adulterated_) Weel, gin ye speir, I&#
- 103 So we shuddered there in silence, For the stoutest berth was shook, While the wooden gates were opened And the mate talked with the cook.And as thus we lay in darkness, Each one wis.h.i.+ng we were there, "We are through!" the captain shouted, A
- 104 A PORTRAIT He is to weet a melancholy carle: Thin in the waist, with bushy head of hair, As hath the seeded thistle, when a parle It holds with Zephyr, ere it sendeth fair Its light balloons into the summer air; Thereto his beard had not begun to bloom.No
- 105 Thar is my ole gal, 'n' the kids, 'n' the rest o' my live-stock; Thar my Remington hangs, and thar there's a griddle-cake br'ilin'-- For the two of us, pard--and thar, I allow, the heavens Smile more friendly-like t
- 106 AN OLD SONG BY NEW SINGERS IN THE ORIGINAL Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow,-- And everywhere that Mary went The lamb was sure to go.(_As Austin Dobson writes it._) TRIOLET A little lamb had Mary, sweet, With a fleece that shamed the d
- 107 My lank limp lily, my long lithe lily, My languid lily-love fragile and thin, With dank leaves dangling and flower-flap chilly.That s.h.i.+nes like the s.h.i.+n of a Highland gilly!Mottled and moist as a cold toad's skin!l.u.s.trous and leper-white,
- 108 But, hail! thou G.o.ddess gay of feature!Hail, divinest purple creature!Oh, Cow, thy visage is too bright To hit the sense of human sight.And though I'd like, just once, to see thee, I never, never, never'd be thee!MR. P. BYSSHE Sh.e.l.lEY: Hail
- 109 Children, observe the Purple Cow, You cannot see her, anyhow; And, little ones, you need not hope Your eyes will e'er attain such scope.But if you ever have a choice To be, or see, lift up your voice And choose to see. For surely you Don't want
- 110 Weeds, slime, and tangled vines! Oh, me!Had I been Annette Kellerman Or even a real mermaid, I had lived to tell the tale.But I slid down and under, And so Will Shaxpur told it for me.Just as well.But I think my death scene is unexcelled By any in cold pr
- 111 Oh, that precentor's look, When the sopranos took Their own time and hook From the Old Hundred!Screeched all the trebles here, Boggled the tenors there, Raising the parson's hair, While his mind wandered; Theirs not to reason why This psalm was
- 112 But, my dear boy, when I have answered thee, Ask me no more.Ask me no more: what answer should I give, I love not pickled pork nor partridge pie; I feel if I took whisky I should die!Ask me no more--for I prefer to live: Ask me no more.Ask me no more: unl
- 113 Cursed be the marriage contract, that enslaved thy soul to greed!Cursed be the sallow lawyer, that prepared and drew the deed!Cursed be his foul apprentice, who the loathsome fees did earn!Cursed be the clerk and parson--cursed be the whole concern!Oh, &#
- 114 "If that's the case," I stammer'd out, "Of course you've had eleven."The maiden answer'd with a pout, "I ain't had more nor seven!"I wonder'd hugely what she meant, And said, "I'm bad a
- 115 The towers and fanes, In other scaynes, The fame of this will undo, Saint Paul's big doom, Saint Payther's, Room.And Dublin's proud Rotundo.'Tis here that roams, As well becomes Her dignitee and stations, Victoria Great, And houlds in
- 116 How now, father abbot, I heare it of thee, Thou keepest a farre better house than mee, And for thy house-keeping and high renowne, I feare thou work'st treason against my crown.My liege, quo' the abbot, I would it were knowne, I never spend noth
- 117 The tear-drop in his little eye again began to spring, His bosom throbb'd with agony--he cried like any thing!I stoop'd, and thus amidst his sobs I heard him murmur--"Ah I haven't got no supper! and I haven't got no Ma'!!-- &
- 118 He soon replied, "I do admire of womankind but one, And you are she, my dearest dear; therefore it shall be done."I am a linendraper bold, as all the world doth know; And my good friend, the calender, will lend his horse to go."Quoth Mrs. G
- 119 Now Mistress Gilpin, when she saw her husband posting down Into the country far away, she pulled out half a crown; And thus unto the youth she said, that drove them to the Bell, "This shall be yours when you bring back my husband safe and well."
- 120 Run down and bring the little girl; She is his darling, and who knows But--"_"Here she goes, and there she goes!"_ "Lawks! he is mad! What made him thus?Good Lord! what will become of us?Run for a doctor,--run, run, run,-- For Doctor B
- 121 THE DEACON'S MASTERPIECE; OR, THE WONDERFUL "ONE-HOSS SHAY"_A Logical Story_ Have you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay, That was built in such a logical way, It ran a hundred years to a day, And then, of a sudden, it--ah, but stay, I�
- 122 There came a man from the house hard by At the well to fill his pail; On the well-side he rested it, And he bade the stranger hail."Now art thou a bachelor, stranger?" quoth he, "For an if thou hast a wife, The happiest draught thou hast dr
- 123 With the crutch-handled top, which he used to sustain His steps in his walk, or to poke in the shrubs Or the gra.s.s, when unearthing his worms or his grubs; Thus armed he set out on a ramble--a-lack!He _set out_, poor dear soul!--but he never came back!&
- 124 MY AUNT'S SPECTRE They tell me (but I really can't Imagine such a rum thing), |It| is the phantom of my Aunt, Who ran away--or something.|It| is the very worst of bores: (My Aunt was most delightful).|It| prowls about the corridors, And utters n
- 125 "Beside," quoth the Mayor with a knowing wink, "Our business was done at the river's brink; We saw with our eyes the vermin sink, And what's dead can't come to life, I think.So, friend, we're not the folks to shrink From
- 126 "Hand-bags made of Rooshy leather are not truly at my call, Yet in the eyes of Mussy I am richer 'en you all, For I kin give a dollar wher' you dare not stand a dime, And never miss it nother, nor regret it ary time."Sayin' this h
- 127 For Greenland was green in his memory still; He'd quitted his trade, but retained the good-will; And often when softened by b.u.mbo and flip, Would cry till he blubbered about his old s.h.i.+p.No craft like the _Grampus_ could work through a floe, Wh
- 128 That hour, o' night's black arch the keystane, That dreary hour he mounts his beast in; And sic a night he taks the road in As ne'er poor sinner was abroad in.The wind blew as 'twad blawn its last; The rattling showers rose on the blas
- 129 The hounds sped down, a spotted line, The bulls in tall, abundant gra.s.s, Shook back their horns from bloom and vine, And trumpeted to see them pa.s.s-- They loved so good, they loved so true, These brothers scarce knew what to do.They sought the kind sc
- 130 But spite of all I said, her sobs grew more and more distressing, And she tore her pretty back hair, which had taken long in dressing.Then she gazed upon the carpet, at the ceiling, then above me, And she whispered, "Ferdinando, do you really, _reall
- 131 And pretty little Alice grew more settled in her mind, She nevermore was guilty of a weakness of the kind, Until at length good Robber Brown bestowed her pretty hand On the promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band._W. S. Gilbert._ THE STORY OF P
- 132 Kitty wants to write! Kitty intellectual!What has been effectual to turn her stockings blue?Kitty's seventh season has brought sufficient reason, She has done 'most everything that there is left to do!Half of them to laugh about and half of them
- 133 In his sleeves, which were long, He had twenty-four packs-- Which was coming it strong, Yet I state but the facts; And we found on his nails, which were taper, What is frequent in tapers--that's wax.Which is why I remark, And my language is plain, Th
- 134 She reached the limit of the lines, She wore blue specs upon her nose, Wore rather short and manly clothes, And so set out to reach the mines.Her pocket held a parasol Her right hand held a Testament, And thus equipped right on she went, Went water-proof
- 135 Each day to the King the reports came in Of his unsuccessful spies, And the sad panorama of human woes Pa.s.sed daily under his eyes.And he grew ashamed of his useless life, And his maladies hatched in gloom; He opened his windows and let the air Of the f
- 136 By the side of a murmuring stream an elderly gentleman sat.On the top of his head was a wig, and a-top of his wig was his hat.The wind it blew high and blew strong, as the elderly gentleman sat; And bore from his head in a trice, and plunged in the river
- 137 Shoost see dese diamant rings!Coom down and fill your pockets, And I'll giss you like efery dings."Vot you vanst mit your schnapps and lager?Come down into der Rhine!Der ish pottles de Kaiser Charlemagne Vonce filled mit gold-red wine!"_Dat
- 138 And she'd give it a look at eventide, And say, "Now beat on the other side."And the new days came as the old days went, And the landlord came for his regular rent.And the neighbors laughed at the tireless broom, And his face was shadowed wi
- 139 And the Old man give him a colt he'd raised And follered him over to Camp Ben Wade, And laid around fer a week er so, Watchin' Jim on dress-parade-- Tel finally he rid away, And last he heerd was the Old man say,-- "Well; good-bye, Jim: Tak
- 140 I may as well Proceed to tell About a Mister Higgs, Who grew quite rich In trade--the which Was selling pork and pigs.From trade retired, He much desired To rank with gentlefolk, So bought a place He called "The Chase,"And furnished it--old oak.
- 141 If ever there lived a Yankee lad, Wise or otherwise, good or bad, Who, seeing the birds fly, didn't jump With flapping arms from stake or stump, Or, spreading the tail Of his coat for a sail, Take a soaring leap from post or rail, And wonder why He c
- 142 A GREAT FIGHT "There was a man in Arkansaw As let his pa.s.sions rise, And not unfrequently picked out Some other varmint's eyes."His name was Tuscaloosa Sam And often he would say, 'There's not a cuss in Arkansaw I can't whi
- 143 THE LAIRD O' c.o.c.kPEN The last two stanzas were added by Miss Ferrier.The Laird o' c.o.c.kpen, he's proud and he's great; His mind is ta'en up wi' the things o' the state; He wanted a wife his braw house to keep; But f
- 144 Does he wear a turban, a fez, or a hat?Does he sleep on a mattress, a bed or a mat, or a Cot, The Ahkond of Swat?When he writes a copy in round-hand size, Does he cross his t's and finish his i's with a Dot, The Ahkond of Swat?Can he write a let
- 145 III His rival, but in what?Wherein did the deceased Akhoond of Swat Kotal's lamented Moolla late, As it were, emulate?Was it in the tented field With crash of sword on s.h.i.+eld, While backward meaner champions reeled And loud the tom-tom pealed?Did
- 146 Thin, his doctherin' done, In a rollickin' run Wid the rod or the gun, he's the foremost to figure.By Jupiter Ammon, What jack-snipe or salmon E'er rose to backgammon his tail-fly or trigger!And hark! the view-hollo!'Tis Mack in f
- 147 Faith, it's so killing you are, you a.s.sa.s.sinate-- Murder's the word for you, Barney McGee!Bold when they're sunny, and smooth when they're showery-- Oh, but the style of you, fluent and flowery!Chesterfield's way, with a touch
- 148 But the cheerful spring came kindly on, And showers began to fall: John Barleycorn got up again, And sore surprised them all.The sultry suns of summer came, And he grew thick and strong; His head weel arm'd wi' pointed spears, That no one should
- 149 Gadsbud! my buzzing friend, thou art not dead; The Fates, so kind, have not yet snapped thy thread; By heavens, thou mov'st a leg, and now its brother.And kicking, lo, again, thou mov'st another!And now thy little drunken eyes unclose, And now t
- 150 XII WHIMSEY AN ELEGY ON THE GLORY OF HER s.e.x, MRS. MARY BLAIZE Good people all, with one accord, Lament for Madam Blaize, Who never wanted a good word-- From those who spoke her praise.The needy seldom pa.s.s'd her door, And always found her kind;
- 151 LAY OF THE DESERTED INFLUENZAED Doe, doe!I shall dever see her bore!Dever bore our feet shall rove The beadows as of yore!Dever bore with byrtle boughs Her tresses shall I twide-- Dever bore her bellow voice Bake bellody with bide!Dever shall we lidger bo
- 152 SONG Echo, tell me, while I wander O'er this fairy plain to prove him, If my shepherd still grows fonder, Ought I in return to love him?Echo: Love him, love him!If he loves, as is the fas.h.i.+on, Should I churlishly forsake him?Or in pity to his pa.
- 153 I melancholy as a cat, Am kept awake to weep; But she, insensible of that, Sound as a top can sleep.Hard is her heart as flint or stone, She laughs to see me pale; And merry as a grig is grown, And brisk as bottled ale.The G.o.d of Love at her approach Is
- 154 THE OLD LINE FENCE Zig-zagging it went On the line of the farm, And the trouble it caused Was often quite warm, |The old line fence|.It was changed every year By decree of the court, To which, when worn out, Our sires would resort |With the old line fence
- 155 And in that town a dog was found, As many dogs there be, Both mongrel, puppy, whelp, and hound, And curs of low degree.The dog and man at first were friends; But when a pique began, The dog, to gain some private ends, Went mad, and bit the man.Around from
- 156 The Pharmacop[oe]ia, Macaulay's Lays, Of course The Medea, And Sheridan's Plays, The Odes of Horace, And Verdant Green, The Poems of Morris, The Faery Queen, The Stones of Venice, Natural History (White's), And then Pendennis, The Arabian N
- 157 Four hundred thousand men and more Must go with him to Moscow: There were Marshals by the dozen, And Dukes by the score; Princes a few, and Kings one or two; While the fields are so green, and the sky so blue, Morbleu! Parbleu!What a pleasant excursion to
- 158 O for a lodge in a garden of cuc.u.mbers!O for an iceberg or two at control!O for a vale which at mid-day the dew c.u.mbers!O for a pleasure-trip up to the pole!O for a little one-story thermometer, With nothing but zeroes all ranged in a row!O for a big
- 159 But fools rush in where angels fear to tread Far out amid the melancholy main; As when a vulture on Imaus bred, Dies of a rose in aromatic pain._Laman Blanchard._ A STRIKE AMONG THE POETS In his chamber, weak and dying, While the Norman Baron lay, Loud, w
- 160 "True 'tis P T, and P T 'tis, 'tis true."In I V Lane, of C T fame, There lived a man D C, And A B I 6 was his name, Now mark his history.Long time his conduct free from blame Did merit L O G, Until an evil spirit came In the shape
- 161 "Alas! I was not born beneath The virgin and the scales, So I must curse my cruel stars, And walk about in Wales."Now Ben had sailed to many a place That's underneath the world; But in two years the s.h.i.+p came home, And all her sails wer
- 162 "I wish I ne'er had seen your face; But now a long farewell!For you will be my death--alas!You will not be my Nell!"Now, when he went from Nelly Gray, His heart so heavy got-- And life was such a burden grown, It made him take a knot!So rou
- 163 In all the female race appear Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride; Truth, darling of a heart sincere, In woman never did reside.What tongue is able to unfold The failings that in woman dwell?The worth in woman we behold Is almost imperceptible.Confusion take the
- 164 NONGTONGPAW John Bull for pastime took a prance, Some time ago, to peep at France; To talk of sciences and arts, And knowledge gain'd in foreign parts.Monsieur, obsequious, heard him speak, And answer'd John in heathen Greek: To all he ask'
- 165 For you I would weave Songs that never were wove, And deeds I'd achieve Which no man yet achove, And for me you never should grieve, as for you I have grove.I'm as worthy a catch As ever, was caught.O, your answer I watch As a man never waught,
- 166 He was not always right, 'tis true, And then he must be wrong; But none had found it out, he knew, If he had held his tongue.Whene'er a tender tear he shed, 'Twas certain that he wept; And he would lie awake in bed, Unless, indeed, he slept
- 167 My "Hoyle" with "Cotton" went; oppressed, My "Taylor" too must fail; To save my "Goldsmith" from arrest, In vain I offered "Bayle."I "Prior," sought, but could not see The "Hood" so lat
- 168 Then we drop from the heights atmospheric To Herrick, Or we pour the Greek honey, grown blander, Of Landor; Or our cosiest nook in the shade is Where Praed is, Or we toss the light bells of the mocker With Locker.Oh, the song where not one of the Graces T
- 169 _Theodore Hook._ THE WAR: A-Z An Austrian Archduke, a.s.saulted and a.s.sailed, Broke Belgium's barriers, by Britain bewailed, Causing consternation, confused chaotic crises; Diffusing destructive, death dealing devices.England engaged earnestly, eag
- 170 rank poisons _wines!!!_ For Summer's {last roses} lie hid in the {wines} stable-boys smoking long-nines That were garnered by {maidens who laughed through the vines}, scowl howl scoff sneer Then a {smile}, and a {gla.s.s}, and a {toast}, and a {cheer
- 171 There was a young lady of Lynn, Who was deep in original sin; When they said, "Do be good,"She said, "Would if I could!"And straightway went at it ag'in.I'd rather have fingers than toes; I'd rather have ears than a nose
- 172 _Henry Coggswell Knight._ THE WHANGO TREE The woggly bird sat on the whango tree, Nooping the rink.u.m corn, And graper and graper, alas! grew he, And cursed the day he was born.His crute was clum and his voice was rum, As curiously thus sang he, "Oh
- 173 The c.u.mberbunce, without ado, Gazed sadly on the ocean blue, And, lifting up its little head, In tones of awful longing, said: "Oh, I would sing of mackerel skies, And why the sea is wet, Of jelly-fish and conger-eels, And things that I forget.And
- 174 Uncle Simon he Clumb up a tree To see What he could see, When presentlee Uncle Jim Clumb up beside of him And squatted down by he._Charles Farrar Browne_ (Artemus Ward).A TRAGIC STORY There lived a sage in days of yore, And he a handsome pigtail wore; But
- 175 _Unknown._ THE ROLLICKING MASTODON A rollicking Mastodon lived in Spain, In the trunk of a Tranquil Tree.His face was plain, but his jocular vein Was a burst of the wildest glee.His voice was strong and his laugh so long That people came many a mile, And
- 176 Why certainly so!-- It might be a dimple turned over, you know!"And the Man in the Moon has a rheumatic knee, Gee!Whizz!What a pity that is!And his toes have worked round where his heels ought to be.So whenever he wants to go North he goes South, And
- 177 Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.IX Through the silent roaring ocean Did the Turtle swiftly go; Holding fast upon his sh.e.l.l Rode the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.With a sad primaeval motion Toward the sunset isles of Boshen Still the Turtle bor
- 178 His Coat was all Pancakes with Jam for a border, And a girdle of Biscuits to keep it in order.And he wore over all, as a screen from bad weather, A Cloak of green Cabbage leaves, st.i.tched all together.He had walked a short way, when he heard a great noi
- 179 I heard him then, for I had just Completed my design To keep the Menai Bridge from rust By boiling it in wine.I thanked him much for telling me The way he got his wealth, But chiefly for his wish that he Might drink my n.o.ble health.And now if e'er by c
- 180 _W. S. Gilbert._ THE s.h.i.+PWRECK Upon the p.o.o.p the captain stands, As starboard as may be; And pipes on deck the topsail hands To reef the topsail-gallant strands Across the briny sea."Ho! splice the anchor under-weigh!"The captain loudly cried; "
- 181 THE OCEAN WANDERER Bright breaks the warrior o'er the ocean wave Through realms that rove not, clouds that cannot save, Sinks in the suns.h.i.+ne; dazzles o'er the tomb And mocks the mutiny of Memory's gloom.Oh! who can feel the crimson ecstasy That so
- 182 In their gardens, fruit before blossom came, And the trees diminished as they grew; And you never went out to walk a mile, It was the mile that walked to you.The people there are not tall or short, Heavy or light, or stout or thin, And their lives begin w
- 183 As Spaniards gaze on Aragon, Upon that Female Paragon So gazed the Prophet's Cam-u-el, that primal Desert s.h.i.+p.A connoisseur meticulous, He found her that ridiculous He grinned from ear to auricle _until he split his lip_!Because of his temerity That
- 184 "Advised by you!" the lady cried, And tossed her head with proper pride; "And what do you know, now I pray, Of the fas.h.i.+on of the present day, You creature ignorant and low?However, if you want to know, This is the reason why I do it: I lay my egg,
- 185 "If seven maids with seven mops Swept it for half a year, Do you suppose," the Walrus said, "That they could get it clear?""I doubt it," said the Carpenter, And shed a bitter tear."O Oysters come and walk with us!"The Walrus did beseech."A pleasa
- 186 What a beautiful p.u.s.s.y you are!"p.u.s.s.y said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl, How charmingly sweet you sing!Oh, let us be married; too long we have tarried: But what shall we do for a ring?"They sailed away for a year and a day, To the land where t
- 187 THE YAK As a friend to the children commend me the yak, You will find it exactly the thing: It will carry and fetch, you can ride on its back, Or lead it about with a string.A Tartar who dwells on the plains of Thibet (A desolate region of snow) Has for c
- 188 But love of change it seems has place Not only in our wiser race; Cats also feel, as well as we, That pa.s.sion's force, and so did she.Her climbing, she began to find, Exposed her too much to the wind, And the old utensil of tin Was cold and comfort
- 189 MORAL O, let this tale dramatic, Anent the whale Norwegian And pressure hydrostatic, Warn you, my young collegian, That down-compelling forces Increase as you get deeper; The lower down your course is, The upward path's the steeper._Henry A. Beers._
- 190 O say, have you seen at the Willows so green-- So charming and rurally true-- A Singular bird; with a manner absurd, Which they call the Australian Emeu?Have you?Ever seen this Australian Emeu?It trots all around with its head on the ground, Or erects it
- 191 THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL There was a little girl, And she had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead.When she was good She was very, very good, And when she was bad she was horrid.One day she went upstairs, When her parents, unawares, In the kit
- 192 COUNSEL TO THOSE THAT EAT With chocolate-cream that you buy in the cake Large mouthfuls and hurry are quite a mistake.Wise persons prolong it as long as they can But putting in practice this excellent plan.The cream from the chocolate lining they dig With
- 193 A NURSERY LEGEND Oh! listen, little children, to a proper little song Of a naughty little urchin who was always doing wrong: He disobey'd his mammy, and he disobey'd his dad, And he disobey'd his uncle, which was very near as bad.He wouldn&
- 194 (Are those torn clothes his best?) Little epitome of man!(He'll climb upon the table, that's his plan!) Touched with the beauteous tints of dawning life (He's got a knife!) Thou enviable being!No storms, no clouds, in thy blue sky foreseein
- 195 THE PURPLE COW I never saw a Purple Cow, I never hope to see one; But I can tell you, anyhow, Id rather see than be one. _Gelett Burgess._ THE YOUNG LADY OF NIGER There was a young lady of Niger Who smiled as she rode on a Tiger; They came back from the r
- 196 _Unknown._ POOR DEAR GRANDPAPA What is the matter with Grandpapa? What can the matter be? Hes broken his leg in trying to spell Tommy without a T. _DArcy W. Thompson._ MORE WALKS Wheneer I take my walks abroad, How many rich I see; Theres A. and B. and C.