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More Toasts Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the More Toasts novel. A total of 217 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : More Toasts.Edited by Marion Dix Mosher.PREFACE The success of the Toaster's Handbo
More Toasts.Edited by Marion Dix Mosher.PREFACE The success of the Toaster's Handbook has encouraged its publishers to compile another that will supplement it and bring it up-to-date. New subjects keep coming to the front, and the up-to-date toaster
- 1 More Toasts.Edited by Marion Dix Mosher.PREFACE The success of the Toaster's Handbook has encouraged its publishers to compile another that will supplement it and bring it up-to-date. New subjects keep coming to the front, and the up-to-date toaster
- 2 ACTORS AND ACTRESSES FIRST ACTRESS (behind the scenes)--"Did you hear the way the public wept during my death scene?"SECOND ACTRESS--"Yes, it must have been because they realized that it was only acted!""These love scenes are rott
- 3 "Oh, we called about the flat advertised.""Well, I did mean to let it, but since I've read the house-agent's description of it, I really feel I can't part with it."CLa.s.sIFIED AD MANAGER--"Your advertis.e.m.e.nt be
- 4 "Yes, sir," replied the reporter."And this expression, 'The banquet-table groaned'--do you think that is proper?""Oh, yes, sir. The funny stories the after-dinner speakers told would make any table groan."_See also_
- 5 PHYSICIAN--"Tell your wife not to worry about that slight deafness, as it is merely an indication of advancing years." MR. MEEK--"Doctor would you mind telling her yourself?" "Ma, is Mr. Jones an awfully old man?" "No, d
- 6 Second, to own a car to get away from his home.Ambition makes the same mistake concerning power that avarice makes concerning wealth. She begins by acc.u.mulating power as a means to happiness, and she finishes by continuing to acc.u.mulate it as an end.-
- 7 "Gee, whiz! Isn't that Smithson who just went by in his automobile?When I knew him a few years ago he had a junk-shop.""He still has. Only he moved in to a fas.h.i.+onable street and labeled the same stock 'Antiques.'"CU
- 8 The silence that accepts merit as the most natural thing in the world, is the highest applause.--_Emerson_.ARITHMETIC "Waiter," he suggested mildly, "I want three eggs, and boil them four minutes."But the cook, having only one in the p
- 9 "Waiter, a pint of beer and a beefsteak with potatoes for this brave man," ordered the civilian."And your pals sitting at the next table--would they also not shoot the Germans if they tried to invade this country?""Oh, no, never,&
- 10 "'There,' he said as he pointed to a bust of white marble. 'What do you think of that?' It was a bust of a young woman coiling her hair-a graceful example of Italian sculpture. Mr. Clemens looked and then he said: "'It i
- 11 The great author was conservative. He had had experience."I haven't time to read it just now," he said. "But are you sure? How do you know that it is any good?""Good!" exclaimed the publisher. "Of course it is good.
- 12 A tourist was just emerging from a corn-field by the roadside, bearing in his arms a dozen handsome roasting ears. A second car approached and stopped, whereon the tourist reached for his pocketbook and asked in an embarra.s.sed manner, "How much?&qu
- 13 "Say, bo, doan hand me no truck lak that."--_Judge_.The only trouble with a 60-horse-power motor is that every darned horse balks at the same time.BILL--"Just happened to run into an old friend down-town."PHIL--"Was he glad to see
- 14 It is admitted that married men have better halves but it is claimed that bach.e.l.lors generally have better quarters.BAGGAGE TOMMY (just off train, with considerable luggage)--"Cabby, how much is it for me to Latchford?"CABBY--"Two s.h.i.
- 15 Little Edward's twin sisters were being christened. All went well until Edward saw the water in the font. Then he anxiously turned to his mother and exclaimed: "Ma, which one are you going to keep?"Throughout the christening ceremony the ba
- 16 "Baseball," says a Big League magnate, "is the public's luxury." The small boy will disagree with him, a luxury being something you can do without.-Puck.At a ball game between a South Carolina negro team and a visiting team of sim
- 17 The photographer favored him with a glance of lofty disdain."You should have thought of that before you had them taken," was his reply as he turned back to work."We're giving Baxby a farewell dinner and I'm to respond to the toast
- 18 "'You've got to love me. You've got to.'""'Got to? How so?'" laughed the divine."'Because,' said Nellie stoutly, 'you've got to love them that hate you--and I hate you, goodness knows!'""The Bible tells us we should love our neighbors,"
- 19 "'Wot's this here feller charged with?' the magistrate demanded."'Bigotry, judge,' the police answered. 'He's got three wives.'"'Three!' cried the magistrate. 'Why, you ignoramus, that ain't bigotry. That's trigonometry!'""I left my mon
- 20 _As it is_ Weep and you are called a baby, Laugh and you are called a fool, Yield and you're called a coward, Stand and you're called a mule, Smile and they'll call you silly, Frown and they'll call you gruff, Put on a front like a millionaire, And so
- 21 BOOKS AND READING A student a.s.sistant, engaged in reading the shelves at the public library, was accosted by a primly dressed middle-aged woman who said that she had finished reading the last of Laura Jean Libby's writings, and that she should like som
- 22 "In a New England village I entered the main street department-store one afternoon and said to the clerk at the book-counter: "'Let me have, please, the letters of Charles Lamb.'"'Post-office right across the street, Mr. Lamb,' said the clerk, with
- 23 NED--"No, not yet. Give me time, and I will."Jenkins was always trying to borrow money, and his friends had begun to avoid him.One morning he tackled an acquaintance in the street before the latter had a chance to escape."I say, old man," began Jenkin
- 24 "My dear fellow, I--""The transversal ether oscillations in your incandenser have been discontinued."Just then a little newsboy came over and said: "Say, mister, yer lamp's out!"Senator h.o.a.r used to tell with glee of a Southerner just home from
- 25 Dirty s.h.i.+rt, without a collar-- Never was a king Happy as that baby yonder, yelling at his play.Little kiddies over there-- Solemn eyes and tangled hair-- Ten years old? That's still a baby!What he's doin's baby stuff!And the dignity of manhood Wil
- 26 "And what under heaven do you expect from that?"Mr. Burbank calmly resumed his walk."Custard pie," he said.BUSINESS There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business.One is that they haven't any mind, the other that they haven't a
- 27 "Have you fed the pigs, Biddy?" demanded her husband, sternly."Faith, and I have not," she answered. "I have done a great deal better. As they were my property I have sold them, and shall not be bothered with them again."A business man advertised fo
- 28 --G.M.BUSINESS ETHICS Johnny was at the grocery store."I hear you have a little sister at your house," said the grocer."Yes, sir," said Johnny."Do you like that?" was queried."I wish it was a boy," said Johnny, "so I could play marbles with him,
- 29 BUSINESS WOMEN Kate's running a tobacco-shop, Jane draws a wage from carpentry, And Amaryllis' patent mop Defies domestic anarchy; Marie's so capable that she Keeps foundry laborers from strife; She heads a motor company-- But where am I to find a wife
- 30 "If you've lost three husbands," he wrote, "I should say you are much too careless to be trusted with a fourth."CATALOGING One of the best examples of the humors of cataloging comes in Sonnenschein's "Best Books," volume one, page 121, where Prof.
- 31 CHARITY A tradesman in a certain town put a box outside his shop one day, labeled "For the Blind." A few weeks afterward the box disappeared."Halloa! What's happened to your box for the blind?" he was asked."Oh, I got enough money," he replied. "A
- 32 CHILD LABOR SOUTHERNER--"Why are you Northerners always harping on the children employed in Southern factories?"NORTHERNER--"Well, for one thing, it detracts people's attention from the children employed in ours."--Life.CHILDREN JOHNNY--"What makes
- 33 She had sev'n.--_Alice Crowell Hoffman_.Tom, the country six-year-old, presenting himself one day in even more than his usual state of dust and disorder, was asked by his mother if he would not like to be a little city boy, and always be nice and clean i
- 34 CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS Dorothy, who is six, has a playmate younger than herself whose parents are Christian Scientists. One day she said: "Mother, do you know that it is better to be a Christian Scientist than anything else?"Mother asked "Why?" and Doro
- 35 Mrs. Clogg went to find out where the missionary meeting would be held.Willie Jones went because his mother made him.His sister went because she had her hair up for the first time.Sadie Williams went to flirt with the Scott boy.The Scott boy went to flirt
- 36 The truest test of civilization is not the census, nor the size of cities, nor the crops; no, but the kind of man the country turns out.--_Emerson_.CLa.s.s DISTINCTIONS Secretary Hoover said at a banquet: "One difference between Europe and America is tha
- 37 The Scotch minister rose and cleared his throat, but remained silent, while the congregation awaited the sermon in puzzled expectancy. At last he spoke: "There's a laddie awa' there in the gallery a-kissin' a la.s.sie," he said. "When he's done ah
- 38 --_Jennie Betts Hartswick_."I'm afraid these Louis XV heels are much too high for me. Perhaps you have lower ones--say about Louis X would do, I think."I can not wear the old suit I wore long years ago; It's s.h.i.+ny at the shoulders, My knees and el
- 39 "h.e.l.lo Millett," called out a neighbor one morning "I saw you starting away yesterday morning very early on your fis.h.i.+ng trip. Did you have any luck?""Great!" was the reply. "While I was away three collectors called.""I wish to see Mr. Jon
- 40 "Pardon me," said the professor, "he was exposed to it, but he did not take it." RUPERT--"What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table last night?" ROLAND--"They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry." RUPERT--"Ye G.o.ds, the entire his
- 41 "Nearly every week," was the response."h.e.l.l," said the doughboy, thinking of his own home in South Bend, Ind. Then, calling to a comrade, he added: "Hey, buddie; here's a guy what commutes to the war!"FIRST COMMUTER--"Do you have to take such a
- 42 CONCEIT The small girl was at the table drawing, and her mother asked her what the picture was to be."G.o.d," replied the child simply."But you can't draw G.o.d," protested the mother, "because you have never seen Him; no one has ever seen Him and n
- 43 Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar.The Irish lad and the Yiddish boy were engaged in verbal combat.Finally the subject came down to their respective churches."I guess I know that Father Harrity knows more than your Rabbi," the l
- 44 "Get me some dependents," was the instantaneous reply.The called-up one volubly explained that there was no need in his case for a medical examination."I'm fit and I want to fight. I want to go over on the first boat.I want to go right into the front
- 45 A Scotch minister in need of funds thus conveyed his intentions to his congregation: "Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as we have failed to get money honestly we will have to see what a bazaar can do for us."It is said that the
- 46 "You are wrong, my dear! Nothing you left out could make a pie taste like this. Its something you put in." COOKS _See_ Servants COOPERATION It is not the guns or armament Or the money they can pay; Its the close cooperation That makes them win the day;
- 47 The teacher of a primary cla.s.s was trying to show the children the difference between the natural and man-made wonders, and was finding it hard."What," she asked, "do you think is the most wonderful thing man ever made?"A little girl, whose parents
- 48 "Oh, she broke it?""No, she didn't break it.""But it is broken?""Yes. She told me what her raiment cost, and I told her what my income was. Then our engagement sagged in the middle and gently dissolved."COUNTRY LIFE UNCLE EZRA--"So ye just got b
- 49 How sweet and gracious, even in common speech, Is that fine sense which men call Courtesy!Wholesome as air and genial as the light, Welcome in every clime as breaths of flowers-- It trans.m.u.tes aliens into trusting friends, And gives its owner pa.s.spor
- 50 COURTs.h.i.+P If he is clean and vigorous, suitable for you and quite perfect in your opinion; if he is the man you think he is and you want him, don't put him on a pedestal and wors.h.i.+p him as an idol.Be sensible. Wrap him around your little finger a
- 51 "How much is it?" she asked."Just one kiss," was the reply."All right," said the child as she turned to go, "grandma said to tell you she would pay you when she came in tomorrow.""Them was nice folk you waited on, Mamie, ain't they?" "No, no,
- 52 HE--"Not quite a lady, is she?" SHE--"No--but I should say her pearls are cultured," That is true cultivation which gives us sympathy with every form of human life, and enables us to work most successfully for its advancement.--_Beecher_. CURES _A Tes
- 53 "h.e.l.lo, old fellow," greeted an acquaintance, rus.h.i.+ng up to shake his hand. "I am certainly glad to see you around again.""Thanks," responded the injured one. "I am glad to be around again.""I see you are hanging fast to your crutches," o
- 54 A floating debt is a poor life saver."Yes," said the world traveler, "the Chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New-year's day.""So I understand," said the American host, "but, then, the Chinese don't have a Christmas th
- 55 Dinah had been troubled with a toothache for some time before she got up enough courage to go to a dentist. The moment he touched her tooth she screamed."What are you making such a noise for?" he demanded. "Don't you know I'm a 'painless dentist'?
- 56 FRIEND--"What do you learn from that?"DOCTOR--"If he has one, I know he is wealthy--and if he hasn't, I know he is healthy."Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had, after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoa.r.
- 57 "Was me husban,'" explained Dinah. "He done went an' beat me ag'in, an' jes' fo' nothin', too!""Again!" cried Mrs. Smith, with increasing wonder. "Is he in the habit of beating you? Why don't you have him arrested?""Been thinkin' ob it s
- 58 COMMANDING OFFICER--"Snathy, here is your honorable discharge, you ought to be proud of it." SNATHY--"Deed ah am Cap. Why in civil life when ah was discharged ah was jest fired." DISCIPLINE The princ.i.p.al of a certain school for girls had occasion t
- 59 DISTANCES The German officer who confiscated a map of Cripple Creek belonging to an American traveler, and remarked that "the German Army might get there some time," should be cla.s.sed with the London banker who said to a solicitous mother seeking to s
- 60 "Naw, suh; naw, suh; I ain't gwine take it," and Rastus shuffled out.M.D.--"Would you have the price if I said you needed an operation?"MANNING--"Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't have the price?"--_Life_."How do you p.r
- 61 "Sure. I've had to sell my automobile."SPECIALIST--"You are suffering from nerve exhaustion. I can cure you for the small sum of $2,000."PATIENT--"And will my nerve be as good as yours then?"In a confidential little talk to a group of medical stude
- 62 --_Jack Burroughs_.Frederick was sitting on the curb, crying, when Billy came along and asked him what was the matter."Oh, I feel so bad 'cause Major's dead--my nice old collie!" sobbed Frederick."Shucks!" said Billy. "My grandmother's been dead a
- 63 "I'm just waiting for my husband to complain about my extravagance this month.""Ready to give him an argument, eh?""You bet I am. By mistake his golf-club checks came to the house, and I've got 'em.""You are not economical," said the infuriated
- 64 DOMESTIC RELATIONS HUSBAND (newly married)--"Don't you think, love, if I were to smoke, it would spoil the curtains?"WIFE--"Ah, you are the most unselfish and thoughtful husband in the world; certainly it would."HUSBAND--"Well, then, take the curtai
- 65 UNABLE SEAMAN--"When I come around again the surgeon, he says to me, 'I'm blooming sorry, mate, I don't know what I was thinking about,'he says, 'but there's a sponge missin', and I believe it's sewed up inside yer!' 'What's the odds,' I says
- 66 --_Nixon Waterman_.ECONOMY TOM--"I've seen the girl I want to marry. I stood behind her at the ticket window this morning and she took seven minutes to buy a five-cent elevated ticket."ALICE--"Did that make you want to marry her?"TOM--"Yes, I figure
- 67 Education--the sum total of all the things we haven't been taught.WILLIE (doing his homework)--"What is the distance to the nearest star, Auntie?""I'm sure I don't know, Willie.""Well, I hope, then, you'll feel sorry tomorrow when I'm getting pu
- 68 "Sambo, I don't understand how you can do all your work so quickly, and so well.""I'll tell yuh how 'tis, boss. I sticks de match ob enthusiasm to de fuse ob yenergy--and jes natchurally explodes, I does.""Don't be so long-winded in your reports
- 69 "Only a circular," he answered as he bit into a fine brown slice of toast."Huh," said the wife. "By the way, did you mail the letters I gave you yesterday?""Sure I did," was the righteously indignant reply."Well," answered wifie, with an eloquen
- 70 An Employee, Dynamic, but not variable.Tall--of excellent personality.Aggressive--but tactful.Sales type--but with a liking for detail.Vision--looking ahead and discounting the future.Loyal--always having the interest of his employer at heart.Creative--bu
- 71 ENGLISH LANGUAGE By way of enlarging the children's vocabulary, our village school-teacher is in the habit of giving them a certain word and asking them to form a sentence in which that word occurs. The other day she gave the cla.s.s the word "notwithst
- 72 "Men," answered Willie."And, the plural of child?""Twins," was the unexpected reply.A colored woman one day visited the court-house in a Tennessee town and said to the judge: "Is you-all the reperbate judge?""I am the judge of probate, mammy.""
- 73 Here lies my wife: here let her lie!Now she's at rest, and so am I.--_John Dryden_."Did you hear about the defacement of Mr. Skinner's tombstone?" asked Mr. Brown a few days after the funeral of that eminent captain of industry."No, what was it?" in
- 74 GILLIS--"Sure did. It taught me to save peach-stones, tin-foil, newspapers and all kinds of junk. In fact, I can now save anything except money."Just before the St. Mihiel show the Germans blew up an ammunition dump near a company of Yanks. It was repor
- 75 "Oh, just a little bit," responded the defendant."Now," said the attorney, "for the benefit of the judge and the jury, you will please step down here and, with me for the subject, ill.u.s.trate just how hard you mean."Owing to the unmerciful badgeri
- 76 Gigantic Army of Invasion--Two troops of cavalry on a reconnaissance.Overwhelming Force--A sergeant and a detail of twelve men.Fierce Naval Battle--Mysterious sounds heard at sea.Americans Outrageously Maltreated--One American asked to explain why his tru
- 77 NED--"But you got a check didn't you?"TED--"Yes, but to get off I had to use up the best excuse I ever had in my life."--_Judge_.Johnny B----, who has seen eight summers go by, not very long ago developed a fondness for playing hooky from school. Aft
- 78 "Have you ever had any experience in handling high-cla.s.s ware?" asked a dealer in bric-a-brac of an applicant for work."No, sir," was the reply, "but I think I can do it.""Suppose," said the dealer, "you accidentally broke a very valuable porce
- 79 A census-taker was working in lower New York on the East Side, and came to a tenement that was literally crowded with children. To the woman who was bending over the washtub he said: "Madam, I am the census-taker; how many children have you?""Well, lem
- 80 The intrepid general was rallying her wavering female troops."Women," she cried, "will you give way to mannish fears?"A m.u.f.fled murmur of indecision ran through the ranks."Shall it be said we are clothed in male armor?" shrieked the general.The m
- 81 "A show at night is no place for a kid like you. You should be at home in bed.""But I peddled bills and have two tickets," said the kid, as he began to sniffle."All right then," answered dad. "I will go with you to see that you don't get into trou
- 82 "Why do you look so sorrowful, Dennis?" asked one man of another."I just hear-r-d wan man call another man a liar, and the man that was called a liar said the other man would have to apologize, or there would be a fight.""And why should that make you
- 83 A small hand, gesticulating violently, shot up into the air, and a shrill voice called out. "I know; I can tell, teacher!""Well, Bobby," said the teacher, "you may tell us what an oyster is.""An oyster," triumphantly answered Bobby, "is a fish bu
- 84 The admiration which Bob felt for his Aunt Margaret included all her attributes."I don't care much for plain teeth like mine, Aunt Margaret," said Bob, one day, after a long silence, during which he had watched her in laughing conversation with his mot
- 85 FOOLS "Did you really call this gentleman an old fool last night?" asked the judge.The prisoner tried hard to collect his thoughts."Well, the more I look at him, the more likely it seems that I did,"he replied.A fool must now and then be right by chan
- 86 The repair-man looked the car over in silence for several minutes, after which he grasped the horn and tooted it. "You've a good horn there," he remarked, quietly. "Suppose you jack it up and run a new car under it?"A Gentleman who was visiting his l
- 87 "Why do they call 'em fountain pens? I should say reservoir pen would be the better name. A reservoir contains liquids; a fountain throws 'em around.""I think fountain pen is the proper name," said the party of the second part.FRANKLIN Franklin, whe
- 88 "Tomorrow" I say, "I'll call on Jim Just to show him that I think of him,"But tomorrow comes, and tomorrow goes, And the distance between us grows and grows.Around the corner--yet miles away "Here's a telegram, sir" Jim died today.And that's what
- 89 A park orator returning home flushed with his oratorical efforts, and also from other causes, found a mild curate seated opposite in the tram-car. "It may interest you to know," he said truculently, "that I don't believe in the existence of a 'eaven.
- 90 GARDENING "I suppose you are going to raise potatoes in your garden?""I was, but when I read the directions for planting I found that it would be impossible. They should be planted in hills, and my yard is perfectly level."WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE--"
- 91 "Quite right," said the teacher, beaming. "Now can any of you give me the name of a town in France?"A small boy at the back of the cla.s.s almost fell over in his eagerness to tell; "Somewhere," he said, breathlessly.GERMANY "Germany's claim that
- 92 G.o.d A little girl traveling in a sleeping-car with her parents greatly objected to being put in an upper berth. She was a.s.sured that papa, mama, and G.o.d would watch over her. She was settled in the berth at last and the pa.s.sengers were quiet for t
- 93 "Na, na, ma man," said he; "it's ma turn tae ask first!"GOSSIP "They say--""Who say?""Oh, all the people who don't matter.""Germany's att.i.tude toward peace is ominous," said General Laurin Lawson at a luncheon in Louisville.""Germany re
- 94 "Not exactly," replied the stranger. "I've just got into town and need another favor, and I thought of you right away.""Thankful? What have I to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills.""Then, man alive, be thankful you are not one of your creditor
- 95 BRIGGS--"n.o.body has ever had the nerve to tell you before. And you are such a splendid, n.o.ble fellow."GRIGGS--"Yes, yes."BRIGGS--"You're one of those fellows who never really know what is being said to them; you're always pursuing some train of
- 96 18 (otherwise)--"Think about it? I eat it nearly every day--only we call it hash." HASTE Ten people hurry, to catch up where one hurries to get ahead. The more haste, ever the worst speed.--_Churchill_. Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is a
- 97 One opportunity to serve.Equal parts of danger and courage.A sense of duty.A hot enemy fire.The other day I met in the street a man in uniform. His coat sleeves were embroidered from shoulder to cuff with bars, stripes, insignia and chevrons of the most g
- 98 HOME The beauty of the house is order; the blessing of the house is contentment; the glory of the house is hospitality; the crown of the house is G.o.dliness.Home--The place where we are treated best and grumble most.Home--A world of strife shut out, and
- 99 "Certainly not!" replied the farmer, virtuously. "Honesty is the best policy, my boy. Put the little apples at the top, and the large ones at the bottom."The a.s.sistant complied. His master was evidently as green as his greenest fruit."Is the barrel
- 100 "Oh, for me, I feel that it's a hospitable house when in the come and go of company enough umbrellas are left to keep it supplied."HOSPITALS A German, whose wife was ill at the Seney Hospital, Brooklyn, called the first evening she was there and inquir