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The Wit and Humor of America Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the The Wit and Humor of America novel. A total of 282 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : The Wit and Humor of America.Volume I.by Various.Volume I.FOREWORD EMBODYING A FEW REMAR
The Wit and Humor of America.Volume I.by Various.Volume I.FOREWORD EMBODYING A FEW REMARKS ON THE GENTLE ART OF LAUGH-MAKING.BY MARSHALL P. WILDER.Happiness and laughter are two of the most beautiful things in the world, for they are of the few that are p
- 182 The Brakeman shook his head emphatically."Scrub road," he said, "dirt road-bed and no ballast; no time-card, and no train dispatcher. All trains run wild and every engineer makes his own time, just as he pleases. A sort of 'smoke-if-you-want-to' road
- 181 "I don't see what's p.r.i.c.king you with small pins of envy. You were there with about the gayest crowd I ever saw at a theater; and it looked like your own party.""Don't say a word," implored Balcomb, putting out his hand. "Members of the board
- 180 It sometimes occurred to Morris Leighton that he was not getting ahead in the world very fast. He knew that his salary from Carr was more than any other young lawyer of his years earned by independent practice; but it seemed to him that he ought to be doi
- 179 THE DUBIOUS FUTURE BY BILL NYE Without wis.h.i.+ng to alarm the American people, or create a panic, I desire briefly and seriously to discuss the great question, "Whither are we drifting, and what is to be the condition of the coming man?" We can not sh
- 178 A camp-meeting of _this sort_ is, all things considered, the very best contrivance for making the largest number of converts in the shortest possible time; and also for enlarging most speedily the bounds of a Church _Visible_ and _Militant_.A RHYME FOR CH
- 177 After prefatory prayers and hymns, and _pithy_ exhortations by several brothers of the Circa.s.sian breed, our dusky divine, the Rev. Mizraim Ham, commenced his sermon, founded on the duel between David and Goliath.This discourse we shall condense into a
- 176 At every grand outcry a simultaneous rush would, however, take place from all parts of the camp, proper and improper, towards the pulpit, altar, and pen; till the crowding, by increasing the suffocation and the fainting, would increase the tumult and the
- 175 HOLLY SONG BY CLINTON SCOLLARD Care is but a broken bubble, Trill the carol, troll the catch; Sooth, we'll cry, "A truce to trouble!"Mirth and mistletoe shall match._Happy folly! we'll be jolly!Who'd be melancholy now?With a "Hey, the holly! Ho, the
- 174 Now, the notary's bosom-friend was a dealer in claret and cognac, who lived about a league from the city, and always pa.s.sed his evenings at the _Estaminet_. He was a gross, corpulent fellow, raised from a full-blooded Gascon breed, and sired by a comic
- 173 2 My Feet they haul me 'round the House; They hoist me up the Stairs; I only have to steer them and They ride me everywheres.3 Remarkable truly, is Art!See--Elliptical wheels on a Cart!It looks very fair In the Picture up there; But imagine the Ride when
- 172 "Holt!" exclaimed Carrington, when the train carriage was announced, "you've been a brick about all this. I don't know how to show my appreciation.""I'll tell you how," suggested Presidio. "Let Mr. Holt be the one to tell Mr. Curtis. He deserves
- 171 Some officers called on Carrington, as they had been told to do by the absent Sommers. When introductions were over, one of them handed a paper to Carrington, saying gravely: "Sommers told me to give this to you. It was published in San Francisco the day
- 170 The Wit and Humor of America.Volume VII.BREITMANN AND THE TURNERS BY CHARLES G.o.dFREY LELAND Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners Novemper in de fall, Und dey gifed a boostin' bender All in de Toorner Hall.Dere coomed de whole Gesangverein Mit der Liederl
- 169 "What's the price of wood?""I think you ought to know the price by this time," answered the old lady in the petticoat; "it's three and a qua-a-rter! and now you know it.""Three and the d--l!" broke in the Captain. "What, have you raised on _you
- 168 SHONNY SCHWARTZ BY CHARLES FOLLEN ADAMS Haf you seen mine leedle Shonny,-- Shonny Schwartz,-- Mit his hair so soft und yellow, Und his face so blump und mellow; Sooch a funny leedle fellow,-- Shonny Schwartz?Efry mornings dot young Shonny-- Shonny Schwart
- 167 And the barber kept on shaving.THE MOSQUITO BY WILLIAM CULLEN BRYANT Fair insect! that, with thread-like legs spread out, And blood-extracting bill, and filmy wing, Dost murmur, as thou slowly sail'st about, In pitiless ears, fall many a plaintive thing,
- 166 "The nag was to make his first appearance on Monday, and the last sheet of paper had been put up and the last hand bill disposed of by Sat.u.r.day afternoon."'How does she look?' says Cap. to me when I came in."'Great,' says I. 'If they ain't tea
- 165 Upon a fence across the way was posted a "twenty-four sheet block stand," and along the top, in big red letters, it read: "_H. Wellington Sheldon Presents_"Then followed the names of a half dozen famous operatic stars.Bat Scranton sat regarding it sil
- 164 Ah me! how lovely is the golden braid That binds the skirt of night's descending robe!The thin leaves, quivering on their silken threads, Do make a music like to rustling satin, As the light breezes smooth their downy nap.Ha! what is this that rises to m
- 163 LATTER-DAY WARNINGS BY OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES When legislators keep the law, When banks dispense with bolts and locks,-- When berries--whortle, rasp, and straw-- Grow bigger _downwards_ through the box,-- When he that selleth house or land Shows leak in ro
- 162 "Perchance some higher will than ours decrees his preservation. Take the body hence for a time; if possible, restore him to life, and we will consider his fate."The recess which followed was clearly necessary to afford an opportunity for the calming of
- 161 The Bellevale lodge of the Ancient Order of Christian Martyrs held its meetings in the upper story of a tall building. Mr. Alvord called for Amidon at eight, and took him up, all his boldness in the world of business replaced by wariness in the atmosphere
- 160 AFTER THE FUNERAL BY JAMES M. BAILEY It was just after the funeral. The bereaved and subdued widow, enveloped in millinery gloom, was seated in the sitting-room with a few sympathizing friends. There was that constrained look so peculiar to the occasion o
- 159 Mr. Williams noticed a dangerous light come into the Reverend Mr.Smith's eye and hesitated a moment, but having two black jacks and a pair of trays, opened with the limit."I liffs yo' jess tree dollahs, Toot," said the Reverend Mr. Smith, getting out
- 158 [Footnote 6: Lippincott's Magazine.]THE WEDDIN'BY JENNIE BETTS HARTSWICK Well, it's over, it's _all_ over--bein' the last to leave I know _that_--and I declare, I'm that full of all the things we had to eat that John and me won't want any supper fo
- 157 "By--the--great--guns!" moaned Watson, as he placed his hands to his brow and swooned right in the middle of the street.THE COQUETTE _A Portrait_ BY JOHN G. SAXE "You're clever at drawing, I own,"Said my beautiful cousin Lisette, As we sat by the win
- 156 II You're at an evening party, with A group of pleasant folks,-- You venture quietly to crack The least of little jokes: A lady doesn't catch the point, And begs you to explain,-- Alas for one who drops a jest And takes it up again!III You're taking de
- 155 THE BOOK-CANVa.s.sER ANONYMOUS He came into my office with a portfolio under his arm. Placing it upon the table, removing a ruined hat, and wiping his nose upon a ragged handkerchief that had been so long out of the wash that it was positively gloomy, he
- 154 The secret of my fortune lies In one small fact, which I may state, Too many tradesmen learn too late, If I have goods, I advertise.Then people come And people go In constant streams, For people know That he who has good wares to sell Will surely advertis
- 153 Married this day and to do in a turmoil wheat being all a-rage and me forced to go home to dress before noon. Did scarce know where I was with Extras being cried outside the church window and H. Nevil giving the bride away and on the wrong side of the mar
- 152 This manoeuver frightened the lads around him. "See here!" said Johnny Flynn, "Billy's hurt bad, an' we ought to do something.""He looks dead!" whimpered little Davy Runnion, the smallest boy present, and he ran off to tell Jim McMasters, who stoo
- 151 Four dollars cost me it that day, Four dollars earned by sweat of brow, Where was the cord of hick'ry now?The thieves had gobbled it away!Ah! who can ever count the cost, Of treasures which were once our own, Yet now, like childhood dreams are flown, Tho
- 150 Then speaks the Court Biographer, And a handy guy is he, "First let me wind my biograph, That the deed recorded be.""A square deal!" saith the patient Bear, With ready repartee.And now doth mighty Theodore For slaughter raise his gun; A flash, a bang,
- 149 "And the show-case is broked!" sniffed Johnny-Ivan, gulping down a sob."It ain't broke, it's only cracked; 'sides, it was cracked a right smart befo'!""But this was a new place--I know, 'cause I cut my finger on the other, sc.r.a.ping it over."
- 148 Fairport was conservative, as always, but she had no mind to be left behind in the march of feminine fas.h.i.+on. She did not rush to extremes, but she had women's clubs in 1881. The chief of these were the Ladies'Literary Club and the Spinsters' Allia
- 147 "You must excuse me, gentlemen, but the discussion of these topics has quite unnerved me. Allow me to share with you a thimbleful."Fitz drained the gla.s.s, cast his eyes upward, and said solemnly, "To the repose of the postmaster's soul."LOVE SONNET
- 146 "I'm only in love," I said."Well, that's the love that moves mountains," he said. "If anybody had told me that I should...." He stopped irresolutely on the word."Oh, to think I have to stand for all that rot!" he bleated.I was too wise to say a
- 145 "I am helpless, Ezra. My pride--my woman's pride--""Oh, how can you let such trifles stand between you? Think of him out there, in his tattered j.a.panese uniform--so far from home, so lonely, so heartbroken--standing undaunted in that rain of steel,
- 144 "You try it," I said. "It's the only way.""I'll be glad when it's over," he remarked dreamily."Whatever you do, keep clear of set speeches," I went on. "Blurt it out, no matter how badly--but with all the fire and ginger in you."He gazed at m
- 143 "My mother--" he began."You simply can not act so dishonorably, Jones."He sat silent for a little while."My mother--" he started in again finally."Surely your mother loves you?" I demanded."That's the terrible part of it, Westoby, she--""Pooh!
- 142 "The very thing!""If he misunderstood it--I mean if he thought it really came from Eleanor--there couldn't be any fuss about it afterward, could there?""And, of course, you'll send the official invitation from Mrs.Matthewman besides?""For Sat.u.r
- 141 "May I not ask the meaning of so peculiar a request?""He's hard up," I said, "and I want to help him. It occurred to me that I might make you--er--a confederate in my little game, you know."His eyes twinkled as he slowly folded up my check and put
- 140 He listened to it all in silence, walking restlessly about the office, his blue eyes s.h.i.+ning with a strange light. He took up a bronze paper-weight and gazed at it with an intensity of self-absorption."I can't go," he said."Oh, but you have to,"
- 139 In the directory I found eleven pages of Joneses; three hundred and eighty-four Henry Joneses; and (excluding seventeen dentists) eighty-seven Doctor Henry Joneses. I asked one of the typists in the office to copy out the list, and prepared to wade in. We
- 138 "No," repeated Freddy, "I shall never, never marry before Eleanor. It would mortify her--I know it would--and make her feel that she herself had failed. She's awfully frank about those things, Ezra--surprisingly frank. I don't see why being an old ma
- 137 But no finer specimen of unconscious humor has ever fallen under the sub-editorial eye than "The Beautiful Circus Girl." In these enterprising days rising young authors sometimes boast in print of their ignorance of grammar and spelling, but the author
- 136 The Wit and Humor of America.Volume VI.GRAINS OF TRUTH BY BILL NYE A young friend has written to me as follows: "Could you tell me something of the location of the porcelain works in Sevres, France, and what the process is of making those beautiful thing
- 135 I've smoked my first cigar!My first and worst cigar!Fate has no terrors for the man Who's smoked his first cigar!A BULLY BOAT AND A BRAG CAPTAIN _A Story of Steamboat Life on the Mississippi_ BY SOL SMITH Does any one remember the _Caravan_? She was wha
- 134 Disease before that cheery smile Grows dim, begins to fade.A Christian scientist, meanwhile, Is this delightful maid.And who would not throw off dull care And be like unto her, When happiness brings, as her share, One hundred dollars per ----?[Footnote 5:
- 133 "Yep; and you'll find a lot of the relations at the house a-waitin' for you.""Why--what--? Now look here, Uncle Joe, there is no occasion to be foolish about a little--""Foolish? Now, mebby some would call it foolish, but us folks up the creek here
- 132 THE DUTIFUL MARINER[4]BY WALLACE IRWIN 'Twas off the Eastern Filigrees-- Wizzle the pipes o'ertop!-- When the gallant Captain of the Cheese Began to skip and hop."Oh stately man and old beside, Why dost gymnastics do?Is such example dignified To set be
- 131 Well, sir, when she saw the ad next morning that old hen just scratched gravel. Went all around town saying that I had given a five-hundred-dollar shed to charity and painted a thousand-dollar ad on it. Allowed I ought to send my check for that amount to
- 130 "Remember," she warned, "that however impulsive our poor, misguided niece may appear, you _must_ not kiss her!"Without waiting for reply she opened the door for him. Adnah, smiling happily through the last of her tears, sprang to meet him, and, seizin
- 129 _Now_ what should he say? With any ordinary girl he could have found the answer, but this one had him floored."But you look ever so much nicer when you are awake," she further informed him, with a clear-eyed straightforwardness that was worse than disco
- 128 Aunt Matilda was shocked and silent for a moment, then over her pale cheeks crept a pink flush."I'll not deny," she presently confessed in a hesitant voice, "that if we had not had each other to rely upon for firmness we might perhaps have been delude
- 127 ESPECIALLY MEN BY GEORGE RANDOLPH CHESTER The tantalizing stream on the other side of the hedge seemed, to the hot and tired young man, to lead the way straight into the heart of Paradise itself. Six weary miles of white highway, wavering with heat and mi
- 126 The sun was s.h.i.+ning into the front windows of a room on the first floor of a high tenement down on the east side. A snow-white bed stood far enough from the wall to allow it to be made up with perfect ease. In front of it stood a screen covered with p
- 125 Hyar'. Dey mek lots er game uv 'im, an' w'en dey darnse pas', dey sings out: 'Heyo! Mistah Hyar', huccome you ain' darnse?' 'Bring yo' wife, ol'man, an' jine in de fun!' 'Hi! yi! Mistar Hyar', you done ma'y off ev'yb'dy else an' stay s
- 124 This time Rollo stooped and rubbed the ball in the dirt until his father sharply reprimanded him, saying, "You untidy boy; that ball will not be fit to play with!" Then Rollo looked about him over the surrounding country as though admiring the pleasant
- 123 "Where do you go?" asked the agent of a quiet old gentleman sitting before me, who had previously given up his checks."Yes, exactly; that's my name," replied the old gentleman."Where do you go?" again asked the agent in a somewhat louder tone."Exa
- 122 Miss Patience took her seat, ran her fingers over a few octaves, and if "Moses in Egypt" was not perfectly _executed_, Moses in Hardscrabble _was_. The dulcet sound ceased. "Miss," said Cash, the moment that he could express himself, so entranced was
- 121 A PIANO IN ARKANSAS BY THOMAS BANGS THORPE We shall never forget the excitement which seized upon the inhabitants of the little village of Hardscrabble as the report spread through the community that a real piano had actually arrived within its precincts.
- 120 _Bob_--_Sm-ith_! If he was only to see one of them fine gentlemen in Augusty, with his fine broadcloth, and bell-crown hat, and shoe-boots a-s.h.i.+nin' like silver, he'd take to the woods and kill himself a-runnin'. Bob Smith! That's whar all your de
- 119 "Now, what do you think of that?" whimpered Danny, as he was led away."I'm to be licked fer doin' what he does. Why don't he teach himself the same, an' stop others from doin' what he talks?""Danny," said the commiserating captain, "you're to
- 118 "I was on strike," said Danny. "I'm a good union man. You got no business to touch me.""I understand," said the sergeant, "that he was discharged, and he stationed himself outside with a pile of rocks.""You've no right to do that," the captain
- 117 "Got the plant picketed," a.s.serted Danny. "n.o.body can't go in or come out.""I'm goin' in," said the other boy."You!" exclaimed Danny scornfully, as he suddenly caught the boy and swung him over on to the stones."No, I ain't, Danny," the
- 116 "'From a mere firmisternial thing To--' 'Say!' I cried, 'please wait!I can not understand a word Of that which you relate.'"'Now, please tell me,' he said again, 'The sum of the equation Between the harp and hippogriff; Define their true relati
- 115 "No, they don't," sighed the Itinerant Tinker; "and _that's_ the reason I'm going there.""If you don't mind," said d.i.c.key, "I should like to go with you."Without a word of reply the Itinerant Tinker rose slowly and painfully to his feet, re
- 114 AT AUNTY'S HOUSE BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY One time, when we'z at Aunty's house-- 'Way in the country!--where They's ist but woods--an' pigs, an' cows-- An' all's out-doors an' air!-- An' orchurd-swing; an' churry-trees-- An' _churries_ in 'em
- 113 By the wondrous discoveries of the improved telescopes of modern times, we ascertain that upward of several hundred millions of stars exist, that are invisible to the naked eye--the nearest of which is millions of millions of miles from the Earth; and as
- 112 "'All de better,' sez her mammy, sez she. 'Dar ain' gwine be no trouble 'bout dat, 'kase I kin do talkin' 'nuff fer two, an' I ain' want one dese yer back-talkin' son-in-laws, nohow.'"So de nex' night de gal went off an' comed back late wi
- 111 But I stiffen my back, and I stay on the track, And I won't get out of the way.When a gaudy carriage bowls along, With a coachman perched on high, Solemn and fat, a c.o.c.kade in his hat, Just like a big blue fly, I swing my leaders across the road, And
- 110 I take it the above notices are rather ingenious. The fact is, I'm no judge of acting, and don't know how Miss Pelican will turn out. If well, why there's my notice of June the 1st; if ill, then June 31st comes in play, and, as there is but one copy of
- 109 He modest merit sought to find, And pay it its desert: He had no malice in his mind, No ruffles on his s.h.i.+rt.His neighbors he did not abuse-- Was sociable and gay: He wore large buckles on his shoes, And changed them every day.His knowledge hid from p
- 108 The Wit and Humor of America.Volume V.THE MARRIAGE OF SIR JOHN SMITH BY PHOEBE CARY Not a sigh was heard, nor a funeral tone, As the man to his bridal we hurried; Not a woman discharged her farewell groan, On the spot where the fellow was married.We marri
- 107 "Miss Aura," he went on,--he has called me that ever since that little embryonic made his stupid blunder, and I have not corrected him--here it is almost necessary to have some sort of a name--"Miss Aura, don't you think we have been mere acquaintance
- 106 We wound up with an Earth dance called the Virginia Reel, the quickest means you ever saw for descending to a lower psychic plane. That's all I have to tell, and quite enough, I'm sure you'll think.--What? The Astorian? I have not seen him since.--But
- 105 "Then how am I to brighten others' lives?" I asked, more than a little disappointed, for several humans hurrying past had turned upon me looks indicating moods receptive of all the brightening I could give.I might have amused myself indefinitely, study
- 104 Den Emmeline she holler "Fire! will no wan come for me?"An' Dominique is jomp so high, near bus' de gallerie,-- "Help! help! right off," somebody shout, "I'm killin' on ma place, It's all de fault ma daughter, too, dat girl she's ma disgrace."
- 103 As the isolated oak that spreads his umbrageous top in the meadow surpa.s.ses his spindling congener of the forest, so does the country gentleman, alone in the midst of his broad estate, outgrow the man of crowds and conventionalities in our cities. The o
- 102 Up rose M. Tullius Cicero, And seized a Roman punch,-- Then mused upon the G.o.d-like soul Was coming round to lunch."By Hercules!" he murmured low Unto his lordly self, "There are not many dainties left Upon my pantry shelf!"But what I have shall Jul
- 101 "Come, neighbors, let us congratulate them. You begin.""Keep out of disagreeable company," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book."That is not congratulation; that is advice," said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Never mind, go on, my dear,"--to the Parian
- 100 "Well, the ground under my feet was soft, and, being relieved of my heavy boots, I put off with double-quick time, and, seeing the creek about half a mile off, I ventured to look over my shoulder to see what kind of chance there was to hold up and load.
- 99 But I didn't care a mite; we drove off tickled enough that we had got through with our sufferin's with agents. And the colt had got so beat out a runnin' and racin', that he drove home first-rate, walkin' along by the old mare as stiddy as a deacon.C
- 98 Amongst other things, Josiah had bought a barrel of salt, and the piano feller that had stuck to Josiah so tight that day, offered to help him on with it. And the organ man--not goin' to be outdone by the other--he offered too. Josiah kinder winked to me
- 97 HOW WE BOUGHT A SEWIN' MACHINE AND ORGAN BY JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE We done dretful well last year. The crops come in first-rate, and Josiah had five or six heads of cattle to turn off at a big price. He felt well, and he proposed to me that I should have a
- 96 "'Squire," said he, "that will do for a song, but it ain't no p'ints of a good hos. Trotters nowadays go in all shapes, big heads and little heads, big eyes and little eyes, short ears or long ears, thick tail and no tail; so as they have sound legs
- 95 He tried to speak calmly. "This is a disgrace. An infamous disgrace.Never in my life have I--" Words forsook him, and his face grew redder."Never in my life--" He stopped again, because, at the sight of him being dignified in his red drawers, I was ma
- 94 "We got the cook to help us," Mrs. Ogden told me, "so as not to disturb your cigars. In spite of the cow-boys, I still recognize my own country.""In the cook?" I rather densely asked."Oh, no! I don't have a Chinaman. It's in the length of after-d
- 93 De big Owl holler en cry fer his mate, My honey, my love!Oh, don't stay long! Oh, don't stay late!My honey, my love!Hit ain't so mighty fur ter de Good-by Gate, My honey, my love!Whar we all got ter go w'en we sing out de night, My honey, my love!_My
- 92 In the front parlor, there it stands, And there Jemima plies her hands, While her papa beneath his cloak, Mutters and groans: "This is no joke!"And swears to himself and sighs, alas!With sorrowful voice to all who pa.s.s.Do, re, mi, Mi, re, do.Through d
- 91 "I was afraid I was drawing my bead a _leetle_ too fine," said Billy."Now, Lyman, you see what the Soap-stick can do. Take her, and show the boys how you used to do when you was a baby."I begged to reserve my shot to the last; pleading, rather sophist
- 90 But this was a match of rifles exclusively; and these are by far the most common at this time.Most of the compet.i.tors fire at the same target; which is usually a board from nine inches to a foot wide, charred on one side as black as it can be made by fi
- 89 "Not exactly," replied he, surveying my horse with a quizzical smile; "I haven't been a driving _by myself_ for a year or two; and my nose has got so bad lately, I can't carry a cold trail _without hounds to help me_."Alone, and without hounds as he
- 88 Instead of repairing the mischief he had done in the sitting-room, Taddy devoted his time and talents to the more interesting occupation of constructing his kite-frame. He worked at that until Mr. Grantly, the minister, driving by, stopped to inquire how
- 87 "Yes, there is! Didn't ye hear 'em? They've been yellin' like fury.""It's nothin' but Atkins's brush.""That all?" And Taddy appeared very much disappointed. "I thought there was goin' to be some fun. I wonder who was such a fool as to yell
- 86 If ever you should go by chance To jungles in the East, And if there should to you advance A large and tawny beast-- If he roar at you as you're dyin', You'll know it is the Asian Lion.If, when in India loafing round, A n.o.ble wild beast meets you, Wi
- 85 W'y, The Raggedy Man--he's ist so good He splits the kindlin' an' chops the wood; An' nen he spades in our garden, too, An' does most things 'at _boys_ can't do!-- He clumbed clean up in our big tree An' shooked a' apple down fer me-- An' nothe
- 84 yelled at once, an' the next thing we see was the minister droppin' his book an' grabbin' his arm an' the deacon tryin' madly to do hisself up in Polly's veil. We would 'a' all been glum petrified at such goin's on any other day, only by that ti
- 83 put the lid on the hole so's to feel safe, an' there he was snug as a bug in a rug an' where no human bein' could get at him. They hollered an' banged doors an' sharpened the carvin' knife an' poured grease on the stove an' did anything they coul