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Jokes Book Collection Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the Jokes Book Collection novel. A total of 473 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : PART I.CHAPTER 1.THE EARLY DAYS.Johnny has always reckoned that being born is like comin
PART I.CHAPTER 1.THE EARLY DAYS.Johnny has always reckoned that being born is like coming out of the cinema in the afternoon having watched a romantic film - all that bright light and everyone crying.Johnny's was a notable birth. He was so ugly the n
- 301 Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?Answer:-Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on
- 302 Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down next to him. Joe tells the bartender, "I'll take a large beer."The bartender says, "Do you want dry beer with no aftertaste, or brewed beer with aftertaste?"Joe thinks about this for a minute. "Ah,
- 303 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you
- 304 SM: It's not working.SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way a
- 305 % ar r G.o.d ar: creating G.o.d % "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?Unmatched ".% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?Missing ].% ^How did the s.e.x change operation go?^ Modifier failed.% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?Too ma
- 306 The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.-- From an article on the growth of federal regulations in
- 307 > >a rubber is a condom!!!! ??? !!!> >U don't try to find a "lift"... U find an "Elevator".> >U no more ask for a "Route" but for a "RAUT"> >U don't ask somebody "How r u ?", U say "What's up dude?" or U say " How U DOIN"> >U never go to
- 308 Imagine you walked into a small hut by the river in the jungle.You pushed open the door, in front of you were 5 small beds to the right of the hut,and another 5 small chairs surrounding a small round table. In the middle of the table was a round food tray
- 309 And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"bye, sundar.Your Mama Is So Fat: The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.When she hauls a.s.s she has to make two trips.They had
- 310 Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Bud
- 311 > He threw it off a cliff.> > What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?> A wind tunnel.> > What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?> The back of his head.> > What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?> Just-beer Singh ('T' silent
- 312 PART IX.$64k Question.Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of th
- 313 There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of co
- 314 First Aid Trained."How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door."It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he
- 315 So the first guy has another drink and then stumbles home with this guys advice in mind.When he gets home, he takes off all his clothes, climbs into bed and starts "going to town" on his wife. She is loving it! She is moaning and groaning, grabbing his
- 316 Poor Guy.Ok, there's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker truck driver steps next to him, and drinks what he was staring at. The poor man starts crying.The truck driver says, "Com
- 317 "Is it true you're a prost.i.tute?""Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?""Well, I dunno. What do you charge?""I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there.""$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?""You see that Ferrari out th
- 318 "Huey" said the first duck."How's your day been, Huey?""Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day"."Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?"."Dewey" came the a
- 319 A customer walked into a bar and ordered three martinis in a row. "Say, anything wrong?" asked the bartender. "I've had quite a shock", the man confessed, "I just found out my brother's a queer"The next day the same man walked in and ordered three
- 320 Blonde in 1st Cla.s.s.A blonde bombsh.e.l.l walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Cla.s.s and the stewardess asks her for her ticket. The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket.The blonde says, "I'm a cute looking blonde and I'm flying
- 321 Capital.There was a blonde, a redhead and a brunette. The redhead and the brunette were always making fun of the blonde saying how dumb she was.So, the blonde decided to prove the other two wrong by learning the capitals of every country in the world.The
- 322 Her response was that she had read the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.Personal Pizza.One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza.When it was finished, the waiter
- 323 Two Cannibals.Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one.""No,"
- 324 After the father departs, the woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet, and too upset to continue she sends him on his way.The next morning at the breakfast table the little boy pulls out a roll of money and begins counting it. The mother asks "Where
- 325 Cla.s.s Photograph.The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture."Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a
- 326 Homework.Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what'd you learn in school today?"Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about p.e.n.i.ses, and v.a.g.i.n.as, and s.e.xual intercourse, and mastur
- 327 "Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said."That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his a.s.s in 10 years... so lick that!"Like Father, Like Son.Joey's teacher sent a note home to h
- 328 New Words.A little boy came home from school one day and told his mother "Mom, today I heard some older kids using some words I don't know the meaning of. Can you tell me what they mean?""Sure" his mother said, "Just tell me what they are."The litt
- 329 Stupid Kid.A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you.""Hey Tommy! Come her
- 330 The father answers, "That's for married folks, son. You'll need 1 for January, 1 for February..."Two Brothers.There were two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, who shared a room.One day, the older brother and the younger brother agreed th
- 331 Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then as
- 332 And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.Clinton's Name in Snow.President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is s.h.i.+ning, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to lo
- 333 Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and to find the culprit immediately.A week later, the FBI director calls. 'Mr. President, I have good news and bad news,' he says. 'The good new
- 334 He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"Miscommunication.A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"She replied, "About four acres and
- 335 Tight Lawyer.* The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that
- 336 How Indians are Named.This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face."Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."Then he asked, "Why is my sister n
- 337 An old cowboy - dressed to kill with cowboy s.h.i.+rt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked h
- 338 Bill Gates in h.e.l.l.Bill Gates dies and goes to h.e.l.l. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in
- 339 Henry Ford & Adam in Heaven.Henry Ford went to Heaven upon his death and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some
- 340 An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside h
- 341 Three Pastors in Heaven.Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van blew a tyre and skidded across the cliffside road, and went over the cliff. Sadly, they were all killed.At the Pearly Gates, Peter
- 342 A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy cla.s.s. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her a.s.shole does when she has an o.r.g.a.s.m."Sure." sh
- 343 Actor -- A man who tries to be everything but himself.Adult -- A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.Advice -- The one thing which is "More blessed to give than receive."Average Man -- One who thinks he isn't.B
- 344 Girl with Big t.i.ts.In high school, I dated a girl with big t.i.ts, but there was no pa.s.sion. So I decided I needed a pa.s.sionate girl.In college, I dated a pa.s.sionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency she cried all the ti
- 345 "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?""No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!New Math.The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying
- 346 School Trip.A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the
- 347 "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period.""d.a.m.ned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."Study on
- 348 Use the Word Fascinate.Little Johnny was in school one day and the teacher asked the cla.s.s to use the word fascinate in a sentence.One little girl raised her hand and said, "When I went to the zoo, the elephants fascinated me.""That's good" said th
- 349 A 54-year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and s.e.xy 18-year old secretary.When he arrived at the hotel,
- 350 Caught in a Wind Storm.A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunat
- 351 Foreplay.For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip.They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive.The husban
- 352 One man turned to the other and said, "Joe, was that Irma that just ran past us?" The other one said, "I think so, but what the h.e.l.l was she wearing?"The first one said, "I don't know, but it sure needs ironing!"Old Lady Driver.Sitting on the si
- 353 Two 90 years old.Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have s.e.x!" And so they did.As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My G.o.d, if I knew she was a virgin
- 354 Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"Pinnochio.One day, Pinnochio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what wooden girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinnochi
- 355 Amish and the Elevator.An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two s.h.i.+ny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"Th
- 356 Been Married 12 Times.A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."T
- 357 A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head.Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.An elderly man opens it and asks
- 358 And he said to her "Well, go iron the f.u.c.king thing first!"Emergency Training.Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fis.h.i.+ng boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what mig
- 359 "Well," the black guy replies, "it's all a matter of f.u.c.kin'. When you white guys f.u.c.k, you just stick it in and: Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am! It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman, we tease her first, and then
- 360 I'm Going.A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going."He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out th
- 361 Making Love in the Dark.A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.One night she grew tired of thi
- 362 A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's b.r.e.a.s.t.s increase in size
- 363 Proper Perspective.Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read
- 364 Son hit the Lottery.An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm and barely eked out a living. One day the son hit the lottery, winning $50,000. He burned rubber into town, collected his money, and left more rubber all the way back home, where he told his f
- 365 That night, before her husband gets home from working the late s.h.i.+ft, Edna strips naked, hops onto her big 4-poster bed and struggles for about half an hour trying to get her legs back behind her head.Just as she gets her feet behind her ears, in walk
- 366 Too Much to Drink.A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-
- 367 The child went into the next room and gave her dad the message. A few moments later, she returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."Arabs not Welcome.Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher r
- 368 The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.One day while the older man was away from his desk, the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over hal
- 369 Then, a gay man walked up to them and inquired about their actions."We're playing swords!" yelled one of the b.u.ms.The gay man wanted to play too. An hour later, the gay man was becoming exhausted. "I'm tired," he said. He bent over saying, "Oh ju
- 370 "Ok, you've got that too.""My last wish is a million dollars.""Ok, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have s.e.x all night with me.""Ok then, if that's what it takes."The next morning, the little man wakes the woman up
- 371 The Genie.A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix
- 372 Tombstone Curving.Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, "Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual."Much to his surprise, however, his wife
- 373 Horsie Ride.Little Johnny is pa.s.sing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a gla.s.s of water.Hearing a log of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act.Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims
- 374 Playing in a Closet.Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. T
- 375 "Yes, she told me it was nothing." "Well, That's true. That's nothing for your mother."What are you doing?Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having s.e.x.&qu
- 376 A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me that my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."His friend says, "Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't f.u.c.k her."Albert's P
- 377 "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers."It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied."I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated p.e.n.i.ses?"&
- 378 The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know
- 379 Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir, you're the father of twins.""What a coincidence" the man sa
- 380 A guy and a girl met at a bar. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his s.h.i.+rt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.So the girl looks
- 381 A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was sc
- 382 A man was rus.h.i.+ng his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital. He was so nervous and disoriented, he pulled up to the emergency room and rear- ended an ambulance! Though a very minor b.u.mp, he actually pa.s.sed out from the stress!Upon reg
- 383 "Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table."Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."The dwarf lady closes her eyes in pai
- 384 One day this lady goes into a plastic surgeon's office. She wanted something that would take away the wrinkles in her face. The doctor suggested that they put a screw in her head and every time she wanted the wrinkles out of her face she would tighte
- 385 Stamp on the Stomach.A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.The couple was curious
- 386 He said "sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news." the man said "tell me doc I can handle it." The doctor replied," well your daughter is pregnant, your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't quit masturbating you�
- 387 The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say
- 388 CIA Test.A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an a.s.sa.s.sin. These highly cla.s.sified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.Aft
- 389 KGB.The phone rings at KGB headquarters."h.e.l.lo?"h.e.l.lo, is this KGB?""Yes. What do you want?""I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his fir
- 390 Pulled over by a State Trooper.A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.Figuring that the driv
- 391 War Game.During an war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help push the jeep out of the mud."Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been d
- 392 Dying... a Smart Irishman.An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you ... you have the cancer and it can
- 393 Mississippi.A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma com
- 394 3 Nationals go Hunting.An American, Italian, and a Polock go hunting.American goes out, when he comes back he got a nice buck. "How'd you do that?" the other two asked. "He said "I followed the tracks and got this buck"Italia
- 395 Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?""Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night
- 396 Honeymoon Accident.On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital."Mother", sh
- 397 Vibrating.While exploring their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed."What's that for?" she asked her spouse."If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "The bed st
- 398 Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine." She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't.He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with p.u.s.s.ies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thic
- 399 How in the h.e.l.l am I supposed to know what it's called!Valentine's Card II.One of my neighbors sure learned a lesson last year on Valentine's Day. He gave this card to his wife extolling her virtues, beauty,and charm; said how lucky he w
- 400 Five Doctors go Hunting.Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was t