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Jokes Book Collection Novel Chapters
List of most recent chapters published for the Jokes Book Collection novel. A total of 473 chapters have been translated and the release date of the last chapter is Apr 02, 2024
Latest Release: Chapter 1 : PART I.CHAPTER 1.THE EARLY DAYS.Johnny has always reckoned that being born is like comin
PART I.CHAPTER 1.THE EARLY DAYS.Johnny has always reckoned that being born is like coming out of the cinema in the afternoon having watched a romantic film - all that bright light and everyone crying.Johnny's was a notable birth. He was so ugly the n
- 101 "Why do you say that, my little one?""Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a penny!"Gash.A man wakes up after some special tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.&qu
- 102 The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore d.i.c.k and an b.u.t.t full of quarters!What was that for?A guy was sitting quietly reading his pape
- 103 Did you hear about the man that put a small ad in the paper looking for a wife?He got hundreds of letters all from blokes saying, "You can have mine."Q: Why did the woman cross the road?A: Never mind that what is she doing out of the kitchen?Q:
- 104 "Telepathic watch, what's so special about it?" The intrigued woman asks."Well," says the guy, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me.""So, what's it telling you now?""It says you're not wearing any
- 105 The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Male.10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.9. A better model is always just around the corner.8. They look nice and s.h.i.+ny until you bring them home.7. It is always necessary to have a backup.6. They&#
- 106 "When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take or what.""Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me ag
- 107 News flash: A government spokesman has announced that a number of male p.o.r.n stars are to be arrested. The spokesman confirmed that ministers have viewed the videotape evidence. The tapes conclusively show that these men have, "Weapons of a.s.s Des
- 108 A: So they can find their way back to the house.Q and A.Q: What do you call a man with 144 warts?A: Gross.Q: What do you call three ducks in a crate?A: A box of quackers.Q: What do you call a skeleton that likes to solve mysteries?A: Sherlock Bones.Q: Wha
- 109 A guy goes to the doctors and says, "Doc all my friends say I'm a hypochondriac, but I'm sure I've got something wrong with me, I've got a terrible pain in my a.r.s.e.""OK drop your pants and I'll take a look,"
- 110 "No," says Johnny, "The one without a wedding ring. But I like the way you think!"Feeling ill.A worried lady rushes to see her doctor and says, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mir
- 111 A hunter kills a deer and takes it to a friend that is a butcher, to clean and prepare it for eating. He takes some of the meat home for dinner, but knowing that his kids are fussy eaters he decides not to tell them what kind of meat it is.His son keeps a
- 112 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.They should be changed regularly...and for the same reason!Did you hear about the mountain climber that wouldn't change their cloths on top of a mountain? They thought someone might peak.A pal of mines
- 113 American Tourists.A tour busload full of noisy American tourists arrives at Runnymede in England. The group gather around the guide, who explains, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."A man pushes his way
- 114 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their b.o.o.bs stared at.Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.Telli
- 115 "Shut up!" barks the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"Pregnancy Tips.Q: Should I have another baby after 35?A: No, 35 children is enough.Q: I'm two months pregnant now.
- 116 4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: "hmmmm...Barbecue."5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long p
- 117 Q: Why doesn't an Ess.e.x girl say much on her first date?A: She doesn't like to talk with her mouth full.Q: Why did the Ess.e.x girl stand for Parliament?A: She heard the House of Commons had a lot of members.Q: Why do Ess.e.x girls only eat on
- 118 A: Cos he didn't pay for her chips.Q: Why does an Ess.e.x girl keep her feet out of the bath?A: So her ankle chains don't get rusty.Q: How do you know when Ess.e.x girl's got her period?A: She stays in to wash her hair.Q: How does an Ess.e.
- 119 Q: An Ess.e.x girl asks her boyfriend to kiss her somewhere wet, warm and smelly A: He took her to Canvey Island.Q: Why did the Ess.e.x girl complain of s.e.xual hara.s.sment in the office?A: The boss asked her to get down to some hard work.Q: What is the
- 120 Q: What's the difference between Ess.e.x girl and a packet of Persil?A: Persil contains no bleach.Q: What word isn't in an Ess.e.x girl's vocabulary?A: No.Q: How do you drown an Ess.e.x girl?A: Put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool.
- 121 Q: Why do Ess.e.x Girls prefer men who sleep around?A: They know their condoms won't be past their Best Before Date.Ess.e.x Couple Driving along one night: Sharon: Don't you fancy me then?Trev: Yeh.Sharon: Well 'ow come we 'aven't
- 122 What did the doctor say to the woman with thrush?Natural yoghurt it's the yeast you should try!Q: Who is the most popular guy in hospital?A: The ultra sound guy.The Zoo.A blonde is looking for a job and is finally offered a position at London zoo. Du
- 123 20. SYMPTOM: Bed is b.u.mping around.FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.ACTION: It's too late, you made complete a.r.s.ehole of self.Two Trees.Two big trees are in the woods and they notice a young tree begins to grow between them. "Is that a son o
- 124 The gold fish.A guy looks over his fence to see the neighbour's boy, little w.i.l.l.y, filling in a hole in the garden."Hi w.i.l.l.y. What are you doing?" asks the guy."Burying my dead goldfish," sobbed w.i.l.l.y."So why do y
- 125 Two Flies.Two flies b.u.mp into each other over a pool of vomit."h.e.l.lo mate," one says to the other, "I haven't seen you in ages.""Yea," replies his pal, "I've been off sick."Newsflash: A lorry load of
- 126 FACT: There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those who don't.Deep Thoughts.He who laughs last - thinks slowest.A day without suns.h.i.+ne is like night.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.Back up m
- 127 "h.e.l.lo, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any subscriptions and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office. If you are still with me, leave y
- 128 A: King Kong merrily on high!Q: What do you give a Railway worker for Christmas?A: Platform shoes!Q: What did the little candle say to the big candle?A: I'm going out tonight!Q: Had do you feel at Christmas?A: Yule be happy!Q: How long does it take t
- 129 "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" asks young woman."No," replies the priest, "but it should wipe that smile off of your face!"The Sunday Golf Game.A was preacher an avid golfer and liked to play every chance he can get. One
- 130 Girl: I'd like you to see less of me 'cause I'm on a diet.Guy: I'd like to take you to dinner.Girl: Sounds good. Will you be able to pick me up again afterwards?Guy: Kiss me and I'll tell you a secret.Girl: I know your secret pal
- 131 A: They spend most of their time with their feet in the air!Q: Why are lesbians fatter than straight women?A: Because they don't do d.i.c.k.Q: What is the first symptom of Aids?A: A terrible pounding sensation in the a.r.s.e.Q: How can you tell if a
- 132 "O," replies the teacher, "it's a Sauce pan."Light bulbs.Little Johnny and his two friends are talking one day.The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool, he can eat four Burgers at one meal."The second one says, "Tha
- 133 A Man who eats metal paper fastenings has a staple diet.In time of recession a manufacturer's of percussion instruments should try to drum up some business.Ore is always a load off someone's mine.A lawyer for a church does plenty of cross-examin
- 134 Q and A Jokes.Q: Which Monster plays the most practical jokes?A: Prank-enstein.Q: Why do women fart after they pee?A: They can't shake it, so they blow-dry it!Q: How do you know when a plane if full of female pa.s.sengers?A: When it lands and they tu
- 135 "Hum," says the genie, "let me have another look at those corgis."Two married women are talking and one says to her pal, "My husband tried to put the magic back into our love life last night.""Really!" says her frie
- 136 "No get lost, it's gone three in the morning," the husband replies.After climbing back into bed the husband tells his wife what happened."Well that wasn't very nice of you," she says, "Remember that night when we broke d
- 137 The widow.A widow is sitting on a beach when she notices a guy place his towel on the sand and begin reading a book.A little lonely, she attempts to strike up a conversation with him."Morning, nice day?""Sure is," responds the guy and
- 138 8. It's a little dry - do you still want to eat it?9. Just wait your turn - you'll get some!10. Don't play with your meat.11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people
- 139 Q: What do American right-wingers think about Joseph Stalin's grave?A: It a Communist Plot!Confucius says...A Man that throws away his watch is losing time.All men eat, but Fu Manchu.If your tires are bald, expect hairy driving.A woman on a weight wa
- 140 PART III.Most commonly known as "Abo jokes". However, even the term "Abo" has become "politically incorrect". This is unfortunate, as it is actually legitimate Australian slang. A lot of Australian slang for nouns are an abbr
- 141 PART IV.JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS.ABSENTMINDEDNESS.The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrell
- 142 Possibly he welcomed the advent of prohibition-possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows: "Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some eesier somes to do at nites. This is what he brought home to me three nites ago. If fore gallins of
- 143 The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a red nose who sat near.These were: "First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it. That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."BURGLARY.A young co
- 144 "And have you washed your face thoroughly?""Yes, mother.""And were you particular to wash behind your ears?""On her side I did, mother."COMMUNITY.The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pre
- 145 In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him: "The show is very good, don't you think?"The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied: "Me, I alw
- 146 "Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have to find with your husband."And the wife was explicit: "He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!""Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated
- 147 DREAMS.The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of dreams and their significance.During a pause, one of the party turned to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked: "Do you believe that dreams come true?"&q
- 148 In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent importation from Lapland. The dialogue was as foll
- 149 EXPERTS.There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circ.u.mstances of the case had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky as to how he had managed to
- 150 FLOWERS.Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning- "An attachment a la Plato For a bashful young potato."Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life. Nevertheless,
- 151 But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mud and evidently worn with fatigue."Hi, dar, n.i.g.g.e.r!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been de las' foh days?"And Sam answered simply: "Ah&#
- 152 HELP.The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired: "How's that new hand o' your'n?""Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand-he's a sore th
- 153 A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father interviewed him: "Clinton, you
- 154 Then he went back to his job. And there, presently, the lawyer sought him out again."It's your Uncle Patrick, this time, Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer explained. "He has died in Texas, and left you forty thousand dollars."O'T
- 155 KINs.h.i.+P.The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his explanation: "They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt."The S
- 156 LOVE.The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and love: "Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things after each other."LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT.The little girl came in tears to her mother."G.o
- 157 "But," the husband protested indignantly, "I've already paid that dollar back to you twice! You can't expect me to pay it again!""Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never mind, since
- 158 MONEY VALUE.A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various viands, and did not hesitate to giv
- 159 A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the display of ba.s.sinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked: "Where are your sideboards?"Th
- 160 PEACEMAKER.The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your brains out!""It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, &q
- 161 "Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring-I belong to the Stand and Stare Club."She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet."I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll
- 162 "Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama has electricity on her head, and grandma has gas on her stomach."Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-congratulation of little Raymond in the following st
- 163 Shopper:-"Are these eggs fresh?"Apprentice:-"Yes, ma'am, they be."Shopper:-"How long since they were laid?"Apprentice:-"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am-I know, I laid them eggs there myself."PROPERTY.
- 164 Abe: "Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congregation now what the Lord has done for you?"Abe got to his feet awkwardly, and mumbled his response in a tone tinged with bitterness: "It looks as though the Lawd done rui
- 165 The man about to take a train was worried by the station clocks. There was twenty minutes difference between the one in the office and the one in the waiting-room. Finally, he questioned a porter. That worthy made a careful survey of the two clocks, and s
- 166 "No, suh," he declared with great emphasis. "Not perzactly, suh. I didn't git mah freedom, suh, after de war-I done got married!"SMELLS.An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time of service in the Darda
- 167 "Self-starter?""You bet!"SUNDAY SCHOOL.The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded pair."I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you send your children?"When s
- 168 "Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when he had been told: "I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilized country to come and live in this lonesomeness.""Fact was," th
- 169 VICTORY.That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts. When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in the museum, and his guide had explained tha
- 170 During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said: "Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting place, and there cast your vote along with his
- 171 Applicant for Situation: "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR."George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner and-she's still looking at it through her lorgnette.""I
- 172 Small Girl: "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."Smaller Girl (with air of superiority): "My mummy was married years ago.""Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?""Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants
- 173 FEMININITY.Julia: "f.a.n.n.y married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish for."Gertrude: "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."GETTING EVEN.Mrs. Lynks: "Jack, I have made up my mind t
- 174 A GOOD PLAN.She: "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can we give them?""We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."ENFRANCHIs.e.m.e.nT OF WOMAN.First Voter: "So Mr. Jones has been elec
- 175 QUALIFIED.The Leading Woman: "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"The Comedian: "He doesn't-he is."CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE.Chimmie: "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight-me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm."Billie:
- 176 GOING FURTHER.Flora: "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you I'd get even with her."Dora: "Getting even with her won't satisfy me. I'm going to get uneven with her."GETTING ON.Old Gentleman: "
- 177 Flora: "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my last letter."Dora: "What did you say in your last letter?"Flora: "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."WHY, INDEED.The Husband:
- 178 Commander: "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing-we want to get on."Mother: "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"Daughter: "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy. He's looking after him just
- 179 NOT RESTRICTED."That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free thinker.""Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"John: "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket."Mirandy: "Daon't yew dew it, Joh
- 180 Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son Bobby has."And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks."Remember you? Why, he remembers every f
- 181 Magistrate: "Can't this case be settled out of court?"Mulligan: "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered."An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he shou
- 182 "Ah! Miss Lis...o...b..," he sighed, "in your sweet innocence you do not dream how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are!""Perhaps I don't," replied the girl calmly."I would not for a moment have such a terrible fa
- 183 "Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and look wise.""I guess you've seen the last of him.""I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency expert.""
- 184 Sister: "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married."Brother: "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."Sister: "I know it, but he won't let me read the lette
- 185 NO DOUBT."Lend me ten, Tom.""I think not.""You won't?""I won't.""You've no doubt of my character, have you?""I haven't.""Well, why won't you, then?""Becaus
- 186 Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his "picter" Ian MacPherson came along."What's that ye hev there?" he asked."My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o&
- 187 PURE CARELESSNESS.It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck."My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults."&qu
- 188 "It is.""Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you can sell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?""I'll do my best, sir."The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without
- 189 "All right, then, how much does a six-pound sh.e.l.l weigh?""Ah," said the youthful mariner, a great light dawning on him. "Twelve pounds."The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in their 'teens, yet their conversat
- 190 Quoth she to a younger friend: "Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid.""That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend."Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?""
- 191 A FRIEND IN NEED.What true friends.h.i.+p consists in depends on the temperament of the man who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was much affected."You
- 192 "And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?""Has he?""Why, no.""Of course I would, darling.""Why do you object to children in your apartment house?""As a matter of kindness. People wh
- 193 Lady (in box): "Can you look over my shoulders?"Sailor: "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they are great.""How times have changed!""Yes?""Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of
- 194 "I say, Madge, its bitterly cold. Hadnt you better put something on your chest?" "Dont worry, old thing. Ive powdered it three times." Father: "Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girl robbed you of every cent y
- 195 PART V.Linguistic Lapses.In a Bangkok dry-cleaner's shop: Drop your trousers here for best results.Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.In a Copenhagen airline office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.In a Rome l
- 196 Blood Test.Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying. "Why are you crying?" asked the other child."I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."When he heard this, the other
- 197 The husband Shoots out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, 'shut up ... you're next!'Bar Boy.A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick po
- 198 Mirror, Mirror.In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the
- 199 The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white
- 200 Scorpio.Now let's try it with our clothes off.....Sagittarius.Don't call me - I'll call you...Capricorn.Do you have a business card?Aquarius.Perhaps I should untie you....Pisces.What did you say your name was?Pirate.A pirate steps into a pu